Solid proof of other woman and a doormat

[Gimme Peace]

With strong suspicions, I did some snooping and learned my hwBPD has still been communicating with the married woman he was seeing during our break three years ago. I found the text messages, read everything. It was devastating to read and I wish I hadn't. 

Evidently he has stayed hung up on her for all these years, even though she doesn't feel that way about him and wants to only be friends. She told him to fix his marriage, but he has not been able to let her go. I was out of control and busted him with my knowledge, at first he was angry and non-empathetic... .which has transformed into apologies and possibly wanting to work this out.

I don't know what to do. He is clearly hung up on her, has discussed every major life event with her, complained about our marriage, said he'd rather be with her, etc... .even though she's not available.

I'm being a doormat, I begged him to stay with me. I'm so co-dependent. I can't stop loving him, no matter what heartbreaking event happens. We're going to continue couples counseling.

Why am I such a fool? Why is this not the last straw for me?

[grayarea]

You're not a fool and I know exactly how you feel... .I've been in your shoes, well I should say, I'm STILL in your shoes.  What did strike me in your post is this particular line: I don't know what to do. He is clearly hung up on her, has discussed every major life event with her, complained about our marriage, said he'd rather be with her, etc... .even though she's not available.  I think this is why he's been so hung up on her - it's not based on any real emotions or feelings for her, but rather he feels "safe" because she's not a trigger for him - he knows she has NO emotional investment in him.  I'll write more later as I'm work so I can't really get into, but just wanted to throw my 2 cents in and let you know you're not alone.  

[Gimme Peace]

Thank you, greyarea. I just found out a few days ago, I'm very emotional and it's hard to accept. I'm kicking myself for not realizing it's been going on for three years, he's had me shut out, silent treatment, glued to his phone, not communicating with me, etc. He admits that he hasn't been trying in the marriage and is very resentful/blaming. I feel like a fool, but I should have known that someone with BPD traits are incapable of empathy, don't really care if they hurt someone, and have the ability to lie constantly without thinking twice about it. 

I'm trying to keep my head on straight, I know he's a pwBPD and I shouldn't be surprised, I really just didn't think there was someone else. That's what I told myself anyway, but deep down I had a feeling in my gut. There was just never any evidence until I got bold and downloaded a program to recover deleted text messages from his phone. It was all there.

I am trying to understand why I am with someone like him and allow him to destroy my soul... .piece by piece.

[Perdita]

Gimme Peace, I am sorry that you are going through this.   I know just how hurtful and upsetting it is when such secrets are uncovered.

I just found out a few days ago, I'm very emotional and it's hard to accept. I'm kicking myself for not realizing it's been going on for three years,

Don't blame yourself.  They can be very convincing liars and we want to believe and trust in them.  My BPDbf had me fooled too about his married ex. When I first confronted him about her a year ago he even told me that I should go for therapy to help me with my jealousy issues! He actually had me convinced that I was imagining it all.  That is until I snooped on his computer some months later and discovered that he was going to her Facebook page everyday! Sometimes twice a day (he's not on her friend list).  I've never told him that I know as I don't think it will do any good. 

I had a shock though when I snooped in August and found new e-mails between them. Now I've found out that she is 5 months pregnant.  Not even her pregnancy is stopping him from going to check out her Facebook everyday.

even though she's not available.  I think this is why he's been so hung up on her - it's not based on any real emotions or feelings for her, but rather he feels "safe" because she's not a trigger for him

Yes, this is it.  Sad.  How to compete with a fantasy?  He didn't want her when he had her. She had the same issues with him that I do (read about 20 pages worth of messages between them).  Now that she is married and out of his life he has managed to turn her into his ideal and obviously she can do no wrong.  Meanwhile I am left trying to proove myself worthy of him everyday and always come up short no matter how hard I try.

I am trying to understand why I am with someone like him and allow him to destroy my soul... .piece by piece.

I think one day we will finally have enough and leave.  So much of my feelings for him have died.  That makes me sad because I went into the relationship with absolute trust.  Like you say, they destroy our souls.  I'm not myself anymore. I don't feel loved and I feel lonely.  I get sad, angry.  It affects my health. It's so hard. They are like stupid love struck teenagers when it comes to their fantasies. 

You know something, Gimme Peace?  You know what will happen if your guy should end up with that married woman?  He will start idealizing YOU! Sad but true.  They seem incapable of appreciating what they've got until they no longer have it.  Then suddenly it becomes the best thing that ever happened to them.