Think we are headed for residential

[joeykttn]

I admitted dd14 into inpatient last night, the same place she spent almost 2 months at earlier this fall. She will have the same doc (a good thing). She was at first very resistant to the idea (wanted to come home), but once she got there, it was like a reunion between her & staff :/

While I was talking to admitting nurse, I mentioned I was concerned that dd was secretly hoping to end up in residential treatment, despite being told that wasn't an option for her. The nurse said the admitting doctor actually mentioned that while going over dd's application as something that might be needed. My heart sunk. I don't know much about what that means, or how it works... I just know it will kill me to tell my dd she can't come home. My family will be livid with me. My older son will probably disown me. She might hate me, feel I am dumping her... or she might really enjoy it (she seems to *want* hospitalizations, etc). On the other hand, I have other children to protect, not to mention dd. It's such a no win situation sometimes.

Meanwhile, I get a text from my bf saying that his 16dd (I'll call her A) is threatening to move out, if/when my dd comes home, for her own emotional well being because A doesn't want to have her own head messed with by my dd's self-injury/suicide gestures/attempts. She told extended family she thinks my dd's most recent attempt was designed for A to find her. This is ridiculous, because my bf & 2 younger kids were home, A wasn't going to be home for hours, and my dd knew that. Being that his older dd moved out 2 yrs ago, blaming me & my dd for her own stuff, my anxiety is through the roof, anticipating another round of the blame game from ex-wife, extended family, etc.

Just another day in this new life.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

joeykttn

I just wanted to send you a hug today and to share with me my experiences with my dd17. There was a time she was hospitalized a lot and there were times I thought she was acting out so she would get the help she needed so I think you might be on to something there. I think you are in a position like many of us... .we are trying to balance our dd needs with the health of our family. You are already in a blended family and that has it's own problems yet alone add a person with BPD so I feel for your struggle with that balance.

I would not let dd16 threats guide you in your decision for RTC. This is an attempt to split you and your bf and try not to fall into the trap. She is in the hospital now and hopefully they will assess her and decide what is needed. I will warn you that you need to look carefully at which RTC they are recommending for your dd. Not all RCT are recreated equally and they can do more harm than good. Have to thought about some kind of foster home living? Is there anything like that in your area? If you can get her into a more out patient therapy program I think that would be a good first step.

Your dd is in the hospital now... .can you tell us what were the circumstance behind this recent visit? Is school a stressor for her? I just think you need to look at what is triggering this behavior and try to relieve that as much as possible. I wish you luck and I know things are pretty hard for you all right now but they will get better... .things won't stay the same... .just hang in there

[joeykttn]

jellibeans,

thanks for the reply.

I posted a pretty long history of our last 4 months on the intro page, but as far as this most recent event, there was nothing major that happened. She just went into one of her spirals, and I wasn't home to get her out of it. There was no warning signs that she was a danger to herself that day. Two hours after I left for work, my bf found her in the bathroom. She cut, wrapped a cord around her neck & supposedly took pills (we are thinking that's fabrication, but it doesn't matter, really).

School is a major stressor for her. She is being tested for learning disabilities, we suspect adhd, and she is academically behind, for a few reasons. She displays comprehension problems, and her grades have been steadily going downhill for a few years, and I have always chalked it up to lack of effort on her part. I see it differently, now. And the social stresses are huge too. She says she is bullied, and I believe she instigates, and she has a bunch of "enemies". But everything seems to be a stressor.

There is not much hope for getting her into foster care. They would at the very least explore family as a resource, etc, first. But the waiting list for foster care is long, and the foster care system itself is very dysfunctional. I am considering asking if there are other outpatient options. She was already in outpatient counseling, DBT, a program thru the probation debt that aims to teach respect, and was set to start (this week) the most intensive service the county offers, a program called WAVER, which is designed to offer support to both parents & troubled child several times a week. I haven't even spoken to the doctor yet, so I'm not sure if he is going to recommend RTC or not. Part of me really wishes I could bring her home right now, and another part of me doesn't want to bring her home til she's "better". And oh, the guilt of that thought. And... the growing realization that "better" is a subjective term, and may never come, the way I wish it to.

[joeykttn]

So, we had the first treatment planning mtg yesterday, and I found out she is for sure being recommended for rtc/rtf. (I am not really understanding the difference between the two?)

Her outpatient therapist & psychiatrist both have said she needs rtc/rtf, they can no longer provide the level of care she needs and won't be treating her anymore. This angers me, since she has had ONE mtg with the psychiatrist, and only ONE dbt group mtg, and only 3-4 mtgs with therapist. How can they just write her off so quickly?

I also found out that the mtg I had already scheduled for Monday, with the lady from WAVER (services I wish they had been able to start a month ago :/) will now also include the rtf/rtc topic since she is also the one who coordinates applications for those things, and the same committee that approved my dd for WAVER will approve/deny her for rtf/rtc. They may say that since she hasn't had a chance to even be in WAVER yet, that rtf/rtc is denied until it's proven WAVER doesn't help. Which means she comes home.

The problem with that is this... .she *wants* to go to rtf. Now that she knows several professionals are suggesting it, she is openly saying she wants it. Which means she won't put effort into anything other then that. I firmly believe she did as well as she did for the last month at home because she was motivated to not go back to the hospital. Now, her motivation is to not go home. So now my fear is if they don't approve it, she will come home, and make more attempts until they do. That's what landed her inpatient in the first place... her finding out inpatient existed, her insisting she needed it, and her threats/attempts escalating until we said ok, she needs it.

Yesterday, during the mtg, dd got upset when I asked her to vocalize why she feels rtf/rtc is what she needs/wants. She couldn't/wouldn't. Then she accused us (me, docs, therapist) of thinking we know who she is, and what she needs, and taking the control away from her. I said if we were doing that, we wouldn't be asking you to tell us why you feel you need/want this, but I can understand why you'd feel like you have no control, since you didn't want to come back to inpatient here, and I made the choice you had to anyway, for your own safety. She stayed angry & uncooperative the rest of the mtg.

After the mtg, a lady who has spent a lot of time with her over the last 2 days there said her whole demeanor changed walking into the mtg. And that after the mtg, dd told her that I was refusing to answer her phone calls. She hasn't called me! Not once! Then, my mom went to visit dd after, and dd told her that she doesn't want to be inpatient, and it's my fault she is there (I just wanted her to be treated by a specific doctor, she says... .a doctor that she even likes, but is twisting it around that she doesn't), and she thinks rtc/rtf "might help her, she doesn't know", but said it in such a way that my mother is insisting that dd DOESN'T want to go, and I'm wrong for considering it. I'm being accused of taking the "easy way out" by letting her go somewhere for other people to deal with, being asked to prove to her (my mom) that rtc/rtf works, being asked to justify my reasons for wanting to consider it. I'm seriously overwhelmed with the amount of "help" my mother thinks she is giving me.

I am concerned that the rtc/rtf's my insurance will cover aren't the "right ones" for my dd, that they will be bad choices. I don't have a single penny to pay for any of this. I have no idea what the options are yet (will find out more on Monday I guess), and whether I will even get a choice, since it sounds like it's committee decided? I just don't know.  At least with her saying she wants to go, I can release the emotions of "she will feel I am sending her away/rejecting her". Although, I'm sure if she gets accepted, and changes her mind about wanting to be there, that will be her first attack... .blame mom. I should be used to it by now...

I just don't know how people deal with this for years. It's only been 4.5 months, and I am already feeling as if it's been forever, and I'm exhausted & drowning.

[jellibeans]

joeykttn

your posts are so similar to my own situation. My dd is 17 but when she was younger we were in the same place as you. Trying to find help for her... .trying to find the right therapist... .the right doctor. I really don't know if that is even such a thing.

My dd went through a period of overdosing repeatedly... .she was unable to regulate her emotions and it was even harder for her to come down to baseline. She escalated unitl she was totally out of control. After trying to overdose twice in one weekend (I didn't even know) I took her to the ER and it was there that it was decided that RTC was the best place for her. She was placed in a RTC that was covered by my insurance... .it was not the best place for her but it did remove her from our home and it did send a clear message to her that things had just gotten too bad for her to remain home. My dd resisted help there and even ran away from the RTC one night which caused more stress. She was finally released after a couple of months but that was because the insurance was saying she was fine now. Looking back I do not think this was the right step for our dd but when things are in crisis then things unfold in a kind of way you have little control over.

I think it is easy for me to look back now and critique what happened. I just wanted you to read my story in hopes it might help you. I am going to go and look for your intro post so I can read your whole story but it sounds very much like many here.

After my dd was released from RTC she had the summer to recoop and rest up. We found a T that she connected with and she was in group therapy as well. Drugs were changed and although she still struggled she was now very much afraid of being sent back to RTC so she was even more secretive. She started a new school in the fall but by christmas she was in the hospital again. This pattern has pretty much been the same for the past two years. She has shown some improvements and they have been steps forward but it is those steps back that can really be upsetting. Now that is is fall again we see signs that dd is struggling again and we continue to try and find help which is not really easy.

Joeykttn I tell you my story so you know that this really is a long term problem... .we are running a marathon... .not a sprint. I have accepted completely that my dd has a seriuos mental illness and that it is going to take time and above all else I am hopeful for her. I think that is the most important thing.

There are many on this site that have tried RTC and have had a lot of success and others that keep searching for the right place and right doctors. There really is no right answer or one right path to take.

Here is what I feel helps me



I try not to take what she says personally. When she is raging at me she can say some pretty hurtful things

I am not my dd best friend... .I am her mother and sometimes that means making some pretty hard decisions on her behalf. Don't let fear guide you there... .don't be afraid to make those tough decisions. She is not capable to helping herself right now so you need to do that for her

I have really tried hard to focus on what I can do to change. I have gone to classes and read as many books as I could. Change really starts with you so read the articles here and use the communication tools. I found this to be the most helpful

I have really looked at the stressors in my dd life... .school has always been a big one. I have tried to back off from that. My dd is a senior this year and I have let her choose her own path going forward. Although I am disappointed by poor grades when I know she is capable of more I try not to let it show. That doesn't mean I ignore her grades all together. I do expect her to be passing everything and to do the work. If school is a big stressor I would look for ways to relieve this stress with either a new school or home schooling.

I think one of the most important things I have done is to try to reduce the power struggles in our home. I have had to really look at the things that we fight about and see what could be done to remove these stressors. I use to have a bed time for my dd but I don't anymore and haven't for some time now. I let the natural consequence unfold whenever possible rather than imposing a punishment. My dd is ODD and the battles over bedtime and meals were on going. So look for ways to give her more control.

These are the main points that come to mind... .I have been doing this for what seems like a long time. In the beginning everything was a crisis and it was really hard... .I don't know if it really gets easier but I have learned a few skills that help me get through the next crisis and the next. I will tell you not to worry so much about the future... .try to live in the present and focus on the problems of today. I really use to worry that my dd wouldn't graduate from high school but I really had to just leave that behind. She is set to graduate this year but I always know there is always a chance a crisis will come up and that might delay her graduation and that is okay.

I want to suggest one book for you and that is by Valerie Porr... Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder. I have really found this to be the best help and it is a book I reread over and over again. I hope that you get the help for your dd... .please research the RTC very carefully before she goes there... .and remember to take care of yourself. While your dd is in hospital find the time to relax and take care of yourself. Please keep us posted... .sending a big hug your way

[joeykttn]

I just found out I , for sure, have no say in which rtf dd goes to, except to refuse if one is offered. There are only a few in our area that will be covered by insurance, and I certainly don't have the $$ to send her elsewhere.

[joeykttn]

jellibeans, thank you for your story, and helpful tips. I am going to try to get that book this weekend, as I've seen it mentioned many times. Now to just be rested enough to be able to read without falling asleep! HAHA

[jellibeans]

keep us posted... .I really hope you get the help you are seeking. The book by Valerie Porr is really good and I hope you can get through it. Of all the books I have read this is the one I return to over and over again.

[nzmum]

that this really is a long term problem... .we are running a marathon... .not a sprint. I have accepted completely that my dd has a seriuos mental illness and that it is going to take time and above all else I am hopeful for her. I think that is the most important thing.

Oh Jellibeans, you are so good at telling it how it is.  Thank you for sharing your story and wisdom for all of us who are starting this journey with our families. 

joeykttn, please take some time to care for yourself too  . We too are relatively new to all this and fully understand. Breathe lots. 

I just don't know how people deal with this for years. It's only been 4.5 months, and I am already feeling as if it's been forever, and I'm exhausted & drowning.