This was easier when I was angry

[Bee Girl]

I'm having a difficult time today. I thought posting might help.

I am in the process of breaking up with my BPDbf. We live together in my house. This is not the first time I've asked him to leave, but it's the first time I'm staying steadfast with my decision and not caving in to believing he will change, or other rationalizations to avoid this pain. I recognize this as recycling now.

I know I am in the depression stage, I'm crying a lot, but it sure felt a whole lot better when I was angry. There is more energy in anger, and a more singular focus. Now I just feel all over the place... .unbearably sad for him, for me, and he's not even gone yet. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not.

[maxen]

hi Bee Girl    i'm really sorry for your situation, and i hope posting will help. reaching out to others often does, and even just writing it out can be therapeutic.

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not.

if you mean sadness-after-anger, it certainly is a painful thing, but it's also a natural thing. anger can't last forever. i don't know if we can think about it in terms of a good or bad thing. we have a page of Lessons that may be useful to read, Tools for detaching and grieving.

living in the same place must be a great stressor.    are you able to find time for yourself alone?

[Bee Girl]

Thank you, I am making space for myself to be alone. Have been for a while, since I'm an introvert that needs alone time. Now, it's crucial. I'm sleeping in another room and trying to keep as much of a distance as this sinks in (for both of us). I'm being clear and unequivocal. I know I may have to push this further. I may have to leave myself, temporarily. I am making my way though it.

I appreciate the link, I've been reading and will take a look.

Writing it, like saying it out loud, is therapeutic. In particular for this situation, it feels important to be understood. A good first step for me in detaching.

Though I don't want to dwell on anger, in this case it feels important to be able to access it, so I can remind myself why I need to detach. When I feel myself start to spin and rationalize, I recall the episodes, and the way they make me feel. I compare the pain of loneliness and detaching to the pain of being verbally abused, and that renews my resolve.

It's like nothing I've ever experienced. I think it's because he's two people, and I just want to keep one of them.

[StayOrLeave15]

It's like nothing I've ever experienced. I think it's because he's two people, and I just want to keep one of them.

I've been there.  I think everyone on this board has. 

When our BPD partners are not dysregulated they are wonderful.  When they rage/control/shut down/paint black they are monsters.  Intellectually we know this, but the emotional part is very hard to separate.

What you are feeling now is normal, BeeGirl.  Writing is very therapeutic.  My therapist tells me, "Sit with the pain," rather than trying to numb it - a poor coping mechanism I sometimes employ.  Be good to yourself and know that the pain is okay.  I can't even imagine what it is like still living with your partner, so keep up the good work and stay strong.

[fred6]

Hey there Bee Girl. I can relate, I lived with my exgf for 2 months while securing another place to live after she cheated on me and split from me. It was the most stressful time of my life. The way she acted toward me made me feel lonelier then than I do now living alone. It was just horrible. Anyhow, how long before your ex moves out?

[Bee Girl]

I appreciate the support. How long until he moves out is what I am working on. I am sleeping in another room and detaching as best I can under the circumstances. I am trying to be civil, even kind. I've probably done this all wrong, but I've told him I no longer want to live together and asked him to talk about it several times over the past month and he freaks out and then soon after acts as if nothing is wrong, one of his coping mechanisms that get employed frequently post-dysregulation.

I've been afraid to push it further to discuss the when of his leaving, but tonight I did (I am being direct but not mean) and all hell broke loose. I got put through the verbal/emotional abuse gaslighting wringer. I'd thought that we could mutually agree on a couple of months for him to vacate and I would help, but he was so horrible I asked him to leave by the end of this month. I worry this will escalate but I am determined. I hope I don't have to take legal action. He began by refusing to leave, then said he couldn't do it financially. All of this, of course, is my fault.

I am sitting here now, reviewing what I know, because he is either astonishingly ill or I am. Sometimes I really am not sure. My head is done in because I've just endured another round of his shaming, sneering accusations and twisted hatefulness that has me as the problem and the emotional abuser from the beginning. It is so incredibly painful and frustrating. It's like being sucked into a vortex and everything single thing I say or have said or have done (even good things, somehow!) are weaponized and delivered to shame and belittle and blame me. (I know I probably don't have to explain all this to people here but I still wrestle with the urge to defend and explain myself, even to myself, then wonder if that means that I am actually overcompensating because I am a terrible crazy person. I've learned not to overly defend or explain myself to him.)

And then he will tell me I am his favorite person in the world. And cry.

I feared this would not go easy. I do have compassion for him, but I can't tolerate this anymore.

I will probably sit here for another hour honestly wondering if he is right. He really got under my skin.