I feel an email to dad is in order

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So my uNPex seems to be at it again in not communicating certain information. We have 50/50 shared parenting, week on/week off with our kids. My son had a Halloween school parade on the 31st that dad mentioned yesterday during a conversation. Now, I never heard about this parade/party, never saw a flyer from school or anything. I don’t doubt the school sent something home and if it were during dad’s time he probably just never said anything about it. But then sometimes he will email bomb/text me with school flyers that are completely irrelevant. I’m so sad that I missed this school thing with DS.

It is my week with the kids. Yesterday my son spilled something on his pants during lunch and the only reason I found out about it was because my ex’s mom inadvertently sent me a text about it. I was like what is going on. She was picking him up from school for me to meet me at a doctor appointment with the kids so I figured I would talk to her about it then.

I was stuck in traffic and was about 8 min late to the doctor appointment. It was the kids yearly checkup and so I wasn’t there when the nurse came in to chat. Dad made the decision, without even talking to me about a Gardisill vaccine to “not” have D11 get it. He explained to the doc that “we” were going to wait until for this. His gf is a nurse so I’m sure that is coming from her and that’s fine but he and I should be making these decisions for our daughter and both be informed.

I kick myself every day, because when we divorced I did not higher and attorney and let my ex’s do our divorce. There is a section in our agreement that they included in the 11th hour that stated because dad was living in the district where the kids were going to school, he was listed as residential for school. I had no clue the ramifications of this at the time and want to cry when I think about it. I called the school this morning to find out why I did not get a call yesterday when they called about DS. The office lady looked at the records and dad is listed first (ok not a big deal) and then his gf, who is listed as his step-mom is on the list second. I explained the situation and she asked me to send her our parenting agreement to keep on record. I did this and asked that I be called in any matters related to DS.

I’m so angry. With these last several things that have happened I feel an email to dad is in order, the hard part is I know that’s how he engages me. He has tried a few little things the last several weeks that I totally ignored so I wonder if he is trying harder. What do I say, do I inform him of the things that have gone on and what I’ve done to rectify the situation but to let him know I’m on alert? Or is it best to not say anything to him?

[Swiggle]

So my uNPex seems to be at it again in not communicating certain information. We have 50/50 shared parenting, week on/week off with our kids. My son had a Halloween school parade on the 31st that dad mentioned yesterday during a conversation. Now, I never heard about this parade/party, never saw a flyer from school or anything. I don’t doubt the school sent something home and if it were during dad’s time he probably just never said anything about it. But then sometimes he will email bomb/text me with school flyers that are completely irrelevant. I’m so sad that I missed this school thing with DS.

It is my week with the kids. Yesterday my son spilled something on his pants during lunch and the only reason I found out about it was because my ex’s mom inadvertently sent me a text about it. I was like what is going on. She was picking him up from school for me to meet me at a doctor appointment with the kids so I figured I would talk to her about it then.

I was stuck in traffic and was about 8 min late to the doctor appointment. It was the kids yearly checkup and so I wasn’t there when the nurse came in to chat. Dad made the decision, without even talking to me about a Gardisill vaccine to “not” have D11 get it. He explained to the doc that “we” were going to wait until for this. His gf is a nurse so I’m sure that is coming from her and that’s fine but he and I should be making these decisions for our daughter and both be informed.

I kick myself every day, because when we divorced I did not higher and attorney and let my ex’s do our divorce. There is a section in our agreement that they included in the 11th hour that stated because dad was living in the district where the kids were going to school, he was listed as residential for school. I had no clue the ramifications of this at the time and want to cry when I think about it. I called the school this morning to find out why I did not get a call yesterday when they called about DS. The office lady looked at the records and dad is listed first (ok not a big deal) and then his gf, who is listed as his step-mom is on the list second. I explained the situation and she asked me to send her our parenting agreement to keep on record. I did this and asked that I be called in any matters related to DS.

I’m so angry. With these last several things that have happened I feel an email to dad is in order, the hard part is I know that’s how he engages me. He has tried a few little things the last several weeks that I totally ignored so I wonder if he is trying harder. What do I say, do I inform him of the things that have gone on and what I’ve done to rectify the situation but to let him know I’m on alert? Or is it best to not say anything to him?

[Matt]

I went through some similar things with the school.  I have 50/50 on paper, but in fact my kids - 8 and 10 when we separated - are with me most of the time.  But the school they were in assumed that Mom was in charge of the kids.  I've also faced the same thing from time to time, with doctors and pharmacies, who always call their mom, and then she has to call me.

Here's what I would suggest:

First, schedule an appointment with the principal, and just talk openly with her about what is happening.  Not a long list of complaints about Dad, but an objective description of the situation.  Then ask for her help:  "I need you to make sure that everything goes to both parents.  Here are our addresses, e-mails and phone numbers.  I need every single thing that the school sends to any parents, to come to both of us - no exceptions."  Listen to what she commits to do, and take her at her word, and thank her, if she commits to get you the information.

Then see how the school behaves.  If they give you all the information, wait a while and then maybe send the principal an e-mail thanking her and telling her that it's helping you and the kids a lot to have all the information.

(By the way, some schools now post a lot of information on their web sites.  It's possible you can check there every day and get a lot of what you need.)

But... .if the principal won't commit, or if she commits but then doesn't follow through, give her one more chance.  "I checked and I found out that you are legally required to provide this information to me.  I don't want to pay an attorney to help me, but I will if I have to."  This will get her attention, because it will mean she has to get the school district's attorney involved, which will be a hassle for the principal - she won't want to do that.

I doubt very much that you will actually need to hire an attorney.  I've found that everybody gets on board when I just let them know what I need and why, and in just one case I had to mention the possibility of hiring a lawyer, and that helped.  The principal will probably be glad to help once she is aware of the problem and when you tell her very clearly exactly what you need from her.

And by the way... .notice that I'm not suggesting you try to talk your ex into doing things differently.  If that worked you wouldn't be posting here.  It's much more likely that you can solve problems by dealing with others - and focusing on the kids - than by influencing your ex.

[Panda39]

And by the way... .notice that I'm not suggesting you try to talk your ex into doing things differently.  If that worked you wouldn't be posting here.  It's much more likely that you can solve problems by dealing with others - and focusing on the kids - than by influencing your ex.

I so agree with Matt's advice above you can't change the ex's behavior you can only change how you deal with a particular situation.  Don't rely on your ex to provide you with information obviously that is not working very well.

Always go straight to the source... .the school website, the kids teachers, doctors, dentists, friends parents... .whoever.  That way you bypass the ex and their drama and you also get accurate truthful information.

I'm sorry you missed the Halloween Parade I know it was really disappointing.  Just take it as a lesson learned and I you'll be at the next school event all ready to have fun and support your kids. 

[david]

My ex did the school thing all the time.

She actually had the school convinced, through an email from her to the school,  I couldn't pick the boys up at their school. I came with the court order. The problem was the court order was handwritten and they didn't think that was okay. I calmly and kindly asked them to fax a copy to their legal department and I would wait. Legal said it was legit and I took the boys. Keeping involved and going to meetings etc got the school to figure things out. The school finally realized I was looking out for the kids an ex was causing problems. At that point, I suggested we have a meeting without ex. We figured out ways to help the boys. I then told them that they needed to contact ex and keep me out of it. I made sure they understood "they" were coming up with the ideas. Ex quickly agreed. A few times of that and things went smoothy.

Our oldest then went to middle school and it started all over again. A few weeks into the school year I went to the school. I explained I wasn't receiving info about our son. The woman looked at the computer and I read her face. I don't know what the screen said but I told her she needed to call the principal at the elementary school and straighten it out. I said I was leaving and expected a call later that day. About 20 minutes later I received a call with an apology and telling me everything was resolved.

Staying level headed and not backing down goes a long way. I still get calls from the school for a meeting. We have the meeting and they contact ex. She has no idea what is going on and I really don't care. This has worked well for the last four years.

I always send an email to ex with info that I deem necessary for a parent to know. I never expect anything from ex and I have learned, most of the time, how to work around her.

I gave up reasoning with her 4 or 5 years ago. I didn't know how to do that and I realized my limitations.

[Swiggle]

You are all so right! I think what happens is things go smoothly for several months, we communicate well about any/all things then... .for whatever reason... .he pulls something like this with the parade. It is like he does it to see if he gets a response from me. 2-3 years ago he would have received an email about the incident, even if it wasn't an angry email he would know his actions had an impact on me. Then he would simply respond with "it is not my responsibility to remind you". That response would have triggered another email from me and then the cycle would've continued. There have been two things I've missed when it comes to my kids, the parade and just after our divorce a dentist apt. during dad's time. I hate tat I let my guard down when things are running smoothly, only to be reminded that for him it is a game about control.

I do keep records and write everything down. I've spoken to the school office and the nurse. They both stated that their policy is to call the first number on the list (becsaue dad is residential for school, that means him) and if they don't get him they call me. I struggle with the if they get him, he may not relay info. to me. The incident from this week and my son spilling juice is a minor thing and I'm certain if it was an emergency the ex would have called me, because the court order specifies this. It is the perception that scares me, my thought process on that is... .

it is my week with the kids and school calls dad, the first person on the list, to inform that son spilled juice on his pants.

dad doesn't communicate with me, calls his mom. They either take dry clothes with comments such as "Hi I'm grandma, mom refused to come and dad can't get out of work so I am dropping them by" or they don't do anything and tell the school I'll handle it but when I don't show up, because I don't know, they look poorly upon me. Am I being irrational, I mean I don't put it past him or his mom. These are the fears I have. I don't want it to be looked at as in dad can't handle something minor like this and I don't mind that he does. I worry about the fall out if it is being presented in a untrue manner.

[Matt]

I've spoken to the school office and the nurse. They both stated that their policy is to call the first number on the list (becsaue dad is residential for school, that means him) and if they don't get him they call me. I struggle with the if they get him, he may not relay info. to me. The incident from this week and my son spilling juice is a minor thing and I'm certain if it was an emergency the ex would have called me, because the court order specifies this. It is the perception that scares me, my thought process on that is... .

The juice incident - if you focus too much on that, the school might wonder why.  It's over and not a big deal - kids spill stuff and it worked out OK so I would suggest you let it go.

"Their policy is to call dad and if they don't get him call mom" - well if they read Dad, and he does what's needed, that is OK.

I think the issue is, whether there is important information regarding your child that you are not getting.  "He spilled juice" isn't critical, unless the child got very upset over it or there was more to the situation that you should be informed of.

His grades, any disciplinary issues, how he's doing in other ways, and school events - these are the important issues that should be communicated from the school to you, not through Dad or anyone else.

You can tell them very bluntly, "Sometimes Dad passes along information, and sometimes he doesn't.  I need you to communicate all these issues to me directly.  If you will do that, great.  If not, I will lawyer up and the result will be the same - you must provide this information directly to me - but it will cost you a lot more time and money to fight over it.  So why not work with me instead of against me?"

Don't back down - have as many meetings with the principal as you need to, or if that's not working, ask for the name of the school district's attorney so your attorney can call her.  You might even need to get a lawyer to do that - probably not since the principal would be wiser to give you the information than to fight over it - but if needed a single phone call or e-mail from an attorney to the school district's attorney may solve the problem.

If you end up paying a lot for an attorney, you can tell the principal that you will ask the court to award you legal fees, so the school district will have to pay your legal costs, since you're only hiring a lawyer to get them to do what's right.  But it's much more likely that just insisting, or maybe mentioning hiring a lawyer, will get the school to do what's right, since they really have no reason not to.

Make it easier to give you the information than not to, and they will give you the information.

[david]

The elementary school principal and I had quite a few conversations about 5 years ago. I thought he started to realize I was interested in the kids best interest only. We had several intense discussions.

I was getting frustrated one time but I kept my composure. I did, however, tell him what would happen if he followed through with what he thought was the correct action. I explained how ex would disagree and cause a problem. I even gave him my reasoning as to why she would do that. I lightly explained BPD and said I thought she had a mental health issue. He steered the conversation to a more comfortable place for him. I reiterated what I believed would happen. I told him what I thought ex would say and do. Well, he did what I advised against and fortunately my ex did exactly what I expected her to say and do. The principal called me up and said, "Mr. david, I still don't understand why this happened but it did occur the way you said it would. I really don't understand." I explained that it is a good thing he doesn't understand and I would never wish that him or anyone else would get it the way I do. That was a big changing point in my relationship with the school. I already had the guidance counselor seeing what was going on but the prinicipal helped move things much quicker. I bumped into the counselor a few weeks later and she told me that things were going to get better for our two boys.

[highroadstepmom]

My fiance has to constantly ask the organization/church/school to be included because uBPDex  won't share any information unless asked (the most famous example in our family when she screamed "you should have asked!" at my fiance after he pointed out (during co parent therapy) that she had never provided him the dates for an international trip she was taking while at the same time expecting him to be available to care for the children the whole time). So, if she signs kids up for an activity, she will not share the schedule (when are games, practices, etc.), will not put him down as a contact (and certainly never lists me as a contact). In contrast, if you do not provide complete details... .well... .the rages of a BPD are well described all over this site.

I agree with others that you have to state to the school, etc. that you are entitled, through the 50/50 custody agreement, to have all information.  We had to go into the school to make sure that the school and the teachers were aware that everything must go to both households.

Still, things get lost.  It might or might not be intentional.  This is complicated for anyone dealing with a BPD because if you ask for information you're seen as accusatory or controlling. If you don't ask the BPD, you're a defective parent.  Since no one can win these battles, engage directly with the school, church, activity organization directly and make clear that the bio parents do not communicate with each other. We have to re-affirm every year.