Feel like I'm going crazy from stress, his ex is a lunatic

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We are in the middle of a custody eval. I'm the step mom.

Just got some horrific stuff from our attorney that she sent to evaluator this morning. It's so hard to read, she is a lunatic. I'm so worried they will believe her lies. Seems too hard to try to disprove some of this stuff, it's so completely fabricated I wouldn't know where to start.

I've been trying to get into see a therapist to talk me off this ledge, I know we haven't done anything wrong, I know we are good people, I know there are a lot of good professionals out there that have confirmed she is most likely BPD and maybe more. But I'm still so worried, SD6 is being put in harms way every time she goes back to see  BPD mom. I'm afraid mom will just snap. I am starting to think she might be quite dangerous, it feels like being attacked and scary.

Guess Im looking for some words of support, reassurance. Anyone else's been here? Got any advice?

[bravhart1]

We are in the middle of a custody eval. I'm the step mom.

Just got some horrific stuff from our attorney that she sent to evaluator this morning. It's so hard to read, she is a lunatic. I'm so worried they will believe her lies. Seems too hard to try to disprove some of this stuff, it's so completely fabricated I wouldn't know where to start.

I've been trying to get into see a therapist to talk me off this ledge, I know we haven't done anything wrong, I know we are good people, I know there are a lot of good professionals out there that have confirmed she is most likely BPD and maybe more. But I'm still so worried, SD6 is being put in harms way every time she goes back to see  BPD mom. I'm afraid mom will just snap. I am starting to think she might be quite dangerous, it feels like being attacked and scary.

Guess Im looking for some words of support, reassurance. Anyone else's been here? Got any advice?

[ForeverDad]

You likely don't have much to worry about if you have an experienced and perceptive custody evaluator.  Likely your H needs to cover all bases and refute it to the CE, "This stuff she's claiming is simply not true.  She has no proof of any of this.  This is largely emotional blaming and as compelling as the claims and allegations may feel, there is actually no substance to it.  In this case, there is no fire, no matter how much smoke is claimed.  This is yet another reason why we are having the custody evaluation since the children need a responsible and credible parent to care for them.  Please advise me if I need to figure out how to respond since it's harder to prove something didn't happen than prove that something did happen."

I had a custody evaluator, a very perceptive one, a child psychologist, and he noted the blocking behaviors of my ex and the entire report could have been summarized in these three sentences: "Mother cannot share 'her' child but father can... .  Mother should immediately lose her temporary custody... .  If Shared Parenting is tried and fails then father should get custody... ."

[bravhart1]

So how much effort should be put into disparaging her claims do you think?

She submitted a calendar with a remark on everyday, ie "didn't come home, got very drunk, was verbally abusive". These are clearly made up, they are from five years ago. She even elaborates on the day specifically what was supposedly said. Who does that?

Jan.15... .grandpas birthday, payday, ex told me he wished I would die a horrible death

[Nope]

So how much effort should be put into disparaging her claims do you think?

She submitted a calendar with a remark on everyday, ie "didn't come home, got very drunk, was verbally abusive". These are clearly made up, they are from five years ago. She even elaborates on the day specifically what was supposedly said. Who does that?

Jan.15... .grandpas birthday, payday, ex told me he wished I would die a horrible death

My DH sent his lawyer emails with the specifics of every time he couldn't get ahold of the kids on his one day a week to call He also sent emails about every time she started arguing with him in front of the kids or simply not acting in the kids best interests in a bunch of other ways. When we dragged her in for contempt the magistrate called those contemporaneous emails "self serving". So in other words it was no better than any other verbal claim that he might have made regarding his BPDex. Hopefully your CE will see it the same way as long as there is no supporting evidence.

Also, you said five years ago. The professionals don't seem as concerned about things that happened that long ago. Especially if the alligations weren't likely to have effected the child.

I would put together as much hard evidence that disproves the lies as I possibly could. If it can be shown she is repeatedly lying it will destroy her credibility and then you won't have to worry as much about future lies once the CE has her figured out.

[bravhart1]

Thanks nope that's really great advice. This is so exhausting, where do they get the energy for all this drama?

[ForeverDad]

I recall I tried to testify about events in the past year or so and the court told me to limit it to the past 6 months.

Very likely claims from years ago will not interest the court or evaluators, especially if there's nothing to support her claims.  A lot depends on her credibility too.  If she is shown to have a pattern of lying, exaggerating, etc then that will make it easier for the professionals to have a skeptical eye if there is no real proof or documentation.

[Nope]

Thanks nope that's really great advice. This is so exhausting, where do they get the energy for all this drama?

What do you think keeps them from having the energy or self discipline to properly care for their children? My SD11 used to wait on her mother hand and foot because her mom would go through long bouts depression and of being literally useless when she'd go to work at her part time job and then go home and do nothing else while her little daughter did all the cooking and cleaning and care for the younger kids. But when it came to giving my DH a hard time and causing drama she suddenly had all the energy in the world! She has two modes: Emergency mode, and off mode.

[livednlearned]

Also, you said five years ago. The professionals don't seem as concerned about things that happened that long ago. Especially if the alligations weren't likely to have effected the child.

That's the same thing my lawyer told me. My L also told me that a judge or CE might look at my evidence about n/BPDx's drinking and abuse and ask why, if it was so awful, did I stay? As though my judgment wouldn't be all that good if I started talking about how things had been that bad for 5 years.

When people get a custody evaluation, court (judges, lawyers, CEs) expect to hear conflict, mudslinging, and false allegations. Most court officers, if they aren't burnt out, will be looking for parents who can't focus on what's best for the kids. Because feelings = facts for pwBPD, they can't focus on what is important, because they think it's about them. They're constantly reacting to perceived slights and external stimuli that may have nothing to do with what's really going on. Your job is to be the side that focuses on what is best for the kids, regardless of what triggering event happens, including hysterical and untrue allegations. People with BPD can't do that because they have a limited emotional range, trigger easily, and take a long time coming back to baseline. Bio mom wants to throw a grenade your way and have everyone scramble, so you'll all be reacting to her, instead of focusing on your calm, normal, and healthy truth and reality.

I like what FD suggested saying to the CE. Depending on your own frame of mind, I can also imagine responding to any questions from the CE with, "Oh, do you mean the allegations that biomom made? She always does that. Maybe you can offer your advice on this -- we know her allegations are false, and it won't be hard to disprove her stories in a deposition, but what is the best way to handle it when she shares these allegations with the kids?"

It's really really really hard at the beginning of custody battles to remain calm because so much is at stake and a lot of money is flying out of your pockets, but do your best to emotionally detach from what she does or says. That doesn't mean being passive, it just means you bring your anxiety down low enough so you aren't on the defensive. Stay neutral to her as much as possible, and pivot everything she says and does back on her. She wants to make damaging false allegations, so you point out your concerns that she does not have very good boundaries and will hurt the kids if she talks about these allegations with the kids. Anxiety makes us overthink things and can almost be big a problem in these cases than our exes behavior.

What BPD mom says and does is part of a serious mental illness. It is not exactly personal what she's doing, although of course it can sure feel that way. She is trapped in a very small cage where she has only a handful of coping mechanisms to deal with her emotional prison. You, on the other hand, have the entire wide range to roam and lots of options and support to help you cope. Don't lose sight of the fact that she's the one in the cage, not you.

And of course, stay on top of your L and make sure there is a good strategy. If you have a very tricky BPD parent who is high-functioning and persuasive, consider doing a deposition. I was so afraid divorcing my ex because he was, at the time, a trial attorney. He had literally done hundreds if not thousands of depositions. You would think he knew how these things worked. But then we got into the deposition and my L sliced and diced his testimony. I had been so anxious about the deposition that I threw up that morning, but by the time N/BPDx was being deposed, I almost burst out laughing. My L had just asked him if he was ever angry at me, did he ever get so angry he called me names, did he think it was ok to call me names, etc. N/BPDx said he had never called me a name, was not angry at me, and it was wrong to call anyone names. And then my L read through a list of 40 names he had called me in emails I gave her. She went through them one by one, each time asking me if he recognized the email, did he send it, could he please read what he had written, did he write those emails. She kept taking that same strategy.

Then she looked at his emails and asked him what he meant by this, or that, and she just kept poking holes in everything. Toward the end of the deposition he was sweating profusely and furious, and I think he forget it was a deposition. His mask came off.

That experience is what made me calm in the face of his accusations. I needed to know that other people could see through him.

Maybe ask your L if depositions are something in the toolkit. They can be expensive, mine was a few thousand dollars. But the peace of mind it gave me was priceless.

[bravhart1]

Yes, the deposition question has come up a few times. We've been on the fence about it as cost is an issue. We fronted entire cost of CE even though she asked for it and said she could pay for it. But then delayed paying to draw it out.

L thinks it's a good idea to depose her, but also says that since she has been proven to be a liar (though no one actually says that out loud) that her claims aren't taken very seriously. I just don't want to regret missing any thing, or find out that CE bought into her stories.

In typical BPD fashion she does something to SD6 then immediately turns around and says, or sends out emails saying we did it. Sometimes it's ludicrous, other times we scramble to prove it was her.

She sent those calendars out with copious notes that look like real stuff with fake stuff thrown in. She truly has been waiting on this as her grenade ( great example) and we were def caught off guard.

I think the reason she was able to cause distress with this stuff is that it clearly looks like she's setting up for a sexual abuse allegation. Pretty scary as we know this type of stuff can wreck lives, jobs, and get kids put in foster care while they "sort it out".  She  is skating around it, but it's def on her radar and the CE's.

[livednlearned]

Your instincts are probably correct, bravhart1, that she is winding up for something drastic like a molestation charge. That's one that puts everyone on high alert, and it's good to take it seriously.

If it were me in your shoes, with those particular details, I would get the deposition. It could be the extra cost that makes everything else pay off. Plus, that calendar could be an enormous gift if you have a lawyer who knows how to depose people. If there is any way to go back through those dates and look for even one hole in her story, that will go a long way. She probably backdated everything, and chances are she did not check to see if other things were going on at the same time. At least, I doubt it -- my experience with a so-called high-functioning person with BPD is that their minds don't work that way. They've never worried about their "facts" lining up with reality.

What you need to do is take back control of the story. Right now, she's probably ahead because she has all that documentation. And she may lob an inflammatory accusation about molestation that is particularly hard to refute. No one in the court system wants to look like they missed a case of child molestation. Nothing may come of it, but you also don't want her accusations to level any leverage you may have had, which can happen.

Study that calendar date by date and piece together any inconsistencies. Maybe your H was out of town during certain stretches of time, or something that stands out as incongruent. Was Jan 15 really grandpa's birthday, was it payday, etc.

Also, another thing you can do when the CE meets with you -- if they have a psych background, use key words. "We try to avoid doing x or y because we do not want to dysregulate biomom." Or, "It can be like walking on eggshells with her, so we are careful to not do anything to trigger her, since that is not good for the kids."

Those are words that therapists understand. It allows you to describe the behavior without having to diagnose her. No need to use them a lot, just use them when it's appropriate. It's possible the CE will see through biomom, but sometimes it can take a while and you don't want to gamble on it because the CE is going to have the most say in what happens to the kids.

[catnap]

The calendar is an "enormous gift" as liveandlearned said to an attorney who is good at depositions.  They can elicit her memory on these "events" and get details.  Most (If she is good at keeping track of her lies, the attorney also needs to know this) will make up whatever, but do not commit their lie to memory.  So when asked later, a whole new story emerges.  Key details given in depo not recalled or changed considerably.  Get a set of questions ready where you have proof as well.  The key is to be able to show the court that she is not credible aka lying. 

If you can get back debit card/credit card statements for the year she is using it might be useful. 

Going to throw this out there--maybe I am being farfetched, but what if your L asks if she would be willing to submit the original calendar for forensic testing? She would have to suppose that there would be a way of telling if the additional comments were written in the same time frame or years later.  It might be a question ask at the end of deposing her. 

[bravhart1]

That's a great suggestion. We have caught her in lies before using the "we would like to investigate further" line about some not so anonymous emails. Asking if she would submit to letting a computer forensic determine where they came from. No surprise her veracity in objecting to getting at the truth far outweighed the emails. Thanks for the idea!

We are trying to get at old bank statements this weekend. I have no doubt she took a regular calendar and added her "comments", then transferred those onto a newly printed outlook calendar.

What a useless and time consuming effort to disparage her daughters father. Wish she would put her efforts into feeding, bathing, and caring for her child instead. 

[Thunderstruck]

My SO's uBPDx made a fake calendar like that right after they split (before the custody stuff). It was all full of lies about them still sleeping together designed to scare me off. Do they all read from the same manual on how to be BPD?

I guess we're lucky she didn't try that with the CE. Her "evidence" was a huge 4" binder that contained a few truncated emails taken out of context to make SO look bad, her motions for restraining orders for false DV charges, some medical records for SD9... .All of that was like 10 pages. Then she printed out the ENTIRE financial discovery and went through and highlighted every time SO spent money on something she deemed wasn't necessary (like eating out or car parts or whatever). It seems her only claim so far was that SO doesn't pay child support (which he does, we gave the CE the statements showing as much).