How do they paint us black while idolizing another? Was it me?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My uxBPDgf seems to be getting along great with her new bf. it really makes me feel as if I failed miserably at the relationship and it was my fault regardless of her issues. I was great to her, probably too great, and always attentive to her needs, which was probably seen as being too available. Why do they paint us black after a period of time, hang up on us, curse us at the same time they are chasing someone else? And then act like they are so much better off?Is it the challenge? Was I just too boring?  (I'm told by many that I am not and she's the loser... .Trying to make me feel better I think) I was overlapped by 6 weeks. She pursued this guy and once she found out he was for real, she just stopped contacting me. That was 8 weeks ago. I am still in a lot of pain over this and I am trying to figure out what I could have done differently.  I just feel like I'm going to make the same mistakes again.

[Craydar]

My uxBPDgf seems to be getting along great with her new bf. it really makes me feel as if I failed miserably at the relationship and it was my fault regardless of her issues. I was great to her, probably too great, and always attentive to her needs, which was probably seen as being too available. Why do they paint us black after a period of time, hang up on us, curse us at the same time they are chasing someone else? And then act like they are so much better off?Is it the challenge? Was I just too boring?  (I'm told by many that I am not and she's the loser... .Trying to make me feel better I think) I was overlapped by 6 weeks. She pursued this guy and once she found out he was for real, she just stopped contacting me. That was 8 weeks ago. I am still in a lot of pain over this and I am trying to figure out what I could have done differently.  I just feel like I'm going to make the same mistakes again.

[thatwasthat]

You didn't do anything wrong. That is a simple fact.

Think about this simple question.

Let's assume you would have done things wrong that would warrant the end of relationship.

Even if.

Do you think the way it ended is in any way, shape or form normal or human? Do you think a sane person would have ended it the way she did?

Think about it. There's your answer.

Do you think such a person is capable of sound judgment of your "Mistakes?"

[vortex of confusion]

I think they feel like they have to paint you black in order to justify their behavior to themselves. My husband and I tried to do the whole open relationship thing. He had my permission to talk to other women yet he still lied to me and them. I had a feeling he was lying so I did a bit of snooping.

He was telling other women that I wouldn't put out and that I wouldn't tell him "I love you". He said all kinds of things to them. I called him on it and he tried to deny it. I actually talked to one of the ladies and friended her on FB. She sent me a screen shot of his BS. When she found out the truth, she ditched him. Actually, he ditched her and blocked her. She asked me what was up. Why did he do that? I told her that is the way he is.

She was a rather nice person and had been given a very false impression about me and even about who he was. I told him that it upset me because he had no reason to lie about anything to me or her. He had no reason to paint me black. And he had no reason to think that she was the greatest thing since sliced bread. He would listen to her talk about getting her nails done and would hang on her every word. He would use sweet little greetings like "Honey" and stuff like that with her. He has never done that with me. He only started after I asked him why he would address them so sweetly and lovingly and all he has ever called me is my first name.

I don't think I could have done anything different to keep him from painting me black. I did everything and then some. So, don't beat yourself up over it. There isn't really any explanation. I remember having a conversation with him one time about an ex of mine. Sure, the guy could be a tool but he wasn't all bad. There were some good things about him. There is no need to demonize an ex. Sometimes, things just don't work out. Everybody has both good and bad. I think it was shortly after that when he lightened up about his ex.

[Craydar]

You didn't do anything wrong. That is a simple fact.

Think about this simple question.

Let's assume you would have done things wrong that would warrant the end of relationship.

Even if.

Do you think the way it ended is in any way, shape or form normal or human? Do you think a sane person would have ended it the way she did?

Think about it. There's your answer.

Do you think such a person is capable of sound judgment of your "Mistakes?"

Thank you, this is a very good way of putting it. Unfortunately, I think a lot of people end relationships this way. It's happened to me before, but then I didn't care. She certainly made me aware of my mistakes and believed that she was right to call me out on things. Once she said: "You can't fool me, I've got your number" which blew me away. As if she knew she could control me.

It's clear that pwBPD act and react differently than non's. The part that bothers me is NOT so much that she painted me black to justify her actions (I get that), what bothers me is WHAT caused her actions? Obviously her attraction to me waned for some reason(s). I'm just trying to figure out why... .This is where I partially blame myself. I'm assuming the new shiny prince charming came along, wow'd her, because it's new and different and I got better dealed. Is this common? Do pwBPD always look for the bigger better deal? Funny... .I was the shiny new prince charming last year.

[thatwasthat]

to be honest i don't think they really have the choice, so to speak... .

i mean... .she replaced me with a guy she knew for four days of me having left the country. guess she felt abandoned.

although the guy is not really a step down from me in terms of status etc... .nobody can tell me she was being picky.

in retrospect I know she was using some other guy as "emotional support" while I was still there, and then met the "better" guy when I had left and pulled the trigger after four days (making it official.)

so I think it's merely a target of opportunity. if it wouldn't have been him, she would have probably settled for less.

so now to your question? what caused it?

I don't think anything coming from you. at all. to pick up my example... .if I hadn't left the country to visit a very Ill family member, if I had implemented all communication techniques and done everything right... .i am certain it still would have happened.

maybe at a later time. maybe with another guy. but it would have happened.

look... .i get what you are saying. people leave each other. for no apparent reason. breakups are often one sided and unfair. but even if someone gives you a lame reason like "I was bored... ." it's something.

our exes can't even give us that. the best they can bring up, if they do it at all is some stuff that is obviously delusional. I mean to say that with all we have done for them... .a more insignificant reason like "I'm bored" would be more credible than "I don't trust you. and you hurt me all the time." and what not.

if that makes any sense.

[Joe_CW]

I've read elsewhere on the Net that BPDs often engage in a "smear campaign" against us.

In my case, my ex- ingratiated herself with our across-the-street neighbors, convinced them that I was an "arrogant control freak", and enlisted them to serve as her "homeland security" to report to her  if I came to the house while she was away.  Her painting me black was so thorough and convincing that the neighbors wished her "a world of happiness" with her new paramour only a month after our separation.  

Outrageous, self-serving behavior and hateful lies are part of the package PBDs tote!  It's no wonder they leave us with our heads spinning and our self-confidence in tatters.

[clydegriffith]

How long has it been since you brokeup? If for one reason or another you must maintain contact with her, you will begin to notice a pattern very soon. The uBPDx's relationshps went as follows after our breakup:

1) Chased a guy that was married to one of her friends. I believe she had to have an abortion because he wouldn't leave his wife for her. I don't have any proof of this, just a strong hunch and my hunches tend to be right when it comes to her.

2) ":)ated" two other guys simultaniously for the last few months she was in my town

3) Moved back to her hometown and was engaged within  4 months

4) Guy she was engaged to brokeup with her because she was cheating a couple of months after said engagement

5) Is pregnant and living with another guy 3 months after guy she was engaged to breaks up with her.

I am shaking my head in shame and disgust as i write this because that waste of life is my daughter's mother.

[Raybo48]

I've read elsewhere on the Net that BPDs often engage in a "smear campaign" against us.

In my case, my ex- ingratiated herself with our across-the-street neighbors, convinced them that I was an "arrogant control freak", and enlisted them to serve as her "homeland security" to report to her  if I came to the house while she was away.  Her painting me black was so thorough and convincing that the neighbors wished her "a world of happiness" with her new paramour only a month after our separation.  

Outrageous, self-serving behavior and hateful lies are part of the package PBDs tote!  It's no wonder they leave us with our heads spinning and our self-confidence in tatters.

I can tell you from personal experience that my BPDxgf went on a huge smear campaign on several occasions in reference to me.  She actually spent much our relationship smearing me to her friends and family, but at the same time kept telling me how much she loved me and how she didn't care what her family thought of me even though she was the one that painted the ghastly picture me.  A very odd dynamic indeed.

After our last recycle ended she painted me as a 'psycho' and a 'stalker' even though she now lives 1500 miles away and I've not set foot in the state she now lives in.  She's gone on two very large smear campaigns on her FB and has tried her very best to get her friends to jump on board with her, which for the most part has them running to her rescue believing how she is the victim.   She's a very bad alcoholic and during both of those FB campaigns she called me prior drunk and when I rejected her she went on FB and went to town.

[Infern0]

This is something that people need to learn as kind of an absolute.

No, they are not "happy" with the replacement.  At least not once idealisation wears off.

My replacement lasted about a month before she started to have an emotional affair with me. Well it turned physical and to be honest I thought she'd be happy with sleeping with me and that'd be it but no my therapist has pretty much confirmed that she's lining me up for a recycle.

I never thought I'd hear from her again tbh.

These people can't be happy,  they can't be satisfied,  they are dishonest and disloyal by nature.  Don't belive what you see on face value because I guarantee there's ___ going on

[BrokenFamily]

Sorry you are going through this Craydar, it can't be difficult and many of us share and feel your pain. My. BPD would love me hate her mom, love her mom hate me, hater her best friend love me and so on and so on. I'm nothing with her she always has to be hating and blaming someone. Many of us try to understand why and how in an effort to give ourselves closure,  some of us are looking for hope or information they can use to be a better partner if the ex decided to come back. I personally am in the all of the above category, despite the destruction amd pain she's caused, her cheating and abandoning me and her daughter and replacing us the following day I would still take her back if she decided to get treatment. I don't think you could have done anything different that would have changed the eventual out come, I was the perfect boyfriend, daddy and friend to her I showered her with love attention and gifts. I've come to except that do to events in her past that were out of my control she isn't capable of having a stable relationship. She says she's happy with my replacement but I'm already hearing they have had many fights in only two months. She neglected our daughter, destroyed our family and erased all the fond memories of our 4 years together there's no way she can be happy knowing what she's done and how cruel she has behaved to the two people she loves the most in the world in her eyes the only option she has is to paint me black and deflect the emotional pain and anxiety she would feel admitting the truth.