How to approach

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello 

Its been a long time since I have posted on here so I doubt anyone remembers me. Quick recap, married 10 years, typical BPD stuff, except there is no violence, just lots of lies, rage, using, and mental/emotional abuse. The past year things have gotten out of hand and I have yet to learn to put my foot down. I have gone through 4 other women in the past year, and those are just the ones I am "sure" of. (one he told me he was leaving me for, but that only lasted a few days before they broke up) All of my so called "evidence" has always been circumstantial, as I like to call it. The constant texting and/or phone calls. Not being where hes supposed to be, etc. No actual proof although he did admit to being at a hotel with one and also going to the movies with her, but "they were just friends" (this was not the one he was leaving me for). Now I may be naive, but I am far from stupid, and as far as I am concerned, my gut has always been right. But as of last week I have actual proof of a lie, although its not about another woman, its a lie that i have ACTUAL proof of. My H has told me that he "lost" his tablet "several months ago". He just got around to telling me this last week though. Now the lie comes in because I know for a fact it wasn't lost, it was pawned. I saw the receipt and everything. He of course has no idea I know. While this is just a stupid lie about a tablet, this has really been eye opening at just how far he will go to lie to me. The story he gave was so drawn out, so many details of where he was when he lost it, how drunk he was, named people helping him try to find it, etc.

I want to call him out on it, but being I am dealing with BPD, I can imagine the fight/argument that will ensue. He will tell me I am nuts, I dont know what I am talking about, all the stuff I have heard before. (when I called him out on the girl in the hotel I came really close to leaving, but after about a week and a half the guilt got to me and I backed down. This was after I spent the week being told i was cold hearted, if i was a good wife he wouldnt need female friends, and my favorite: I "should be in jail for the years of emotional abuse I have put him through". So, I am planning ahead and seeking advice from the experts here on how to at least call him out on the one lie I can prove and then go from there.

Any advice whatsoever would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks in advance!

[sotiredtoonice]

Hello 

Its been a long time since I have posted on here so I doubt anyone remembers me. Quick recap, married 10 years, typical BPD stuff, except there is no violence, just lots of lies, rage, using, and mental/emotional abuse. The past year things have gotten out of hand and I have yet to learn to put my foot down. I have gone through 4 other women in the past year, and those are just the ones I am "sure" of. (one he told me he was leaving me for, but that only lasted a few days before they broke up) All of my so called "evidence" has always been circumstantial, as I like to call it. The constant texting and/or phone calls. Not being where hes supposed to be, etc. No actual proof although he did admit to being at a hotel with one and also going to the movies with her, but "they were just friends" (this was not the one he was leaving me for). Now I may be naive, but I am far from stupid, and as far as I am concerned, my gut has always been right. But as of last week I have actual proof of a lie, although its not about another woman, its a lie that i have ACTUAL proof of. My H has told me that he "lost" his tablet "several months ago". He just got around to telling me this last week though. Now the lie comes in because I know for a fact it wasn't lost, it was pawned. I saw the receipt and everything. He of course has no idea I know. While this is just a stupid lie about a tablet, this has really been eye opening at just how far he will go to lie to me. The story he gave was so drawn out, so many details of where he was when he lost it, how drunk he was, named people helping him try to find it, etc.

I want to call him out on it, but being I am dealing with BPD, I can imagine the fight/argument that will ensue. He will tell me I am nuts, I dont know what I am talking about, all the stuff I have heard before. (when I called him out on the girl in the hotel I came really close to leaving, but after about a week and a half the guilt got to me and I backed down. This was after I spent the week being told i was cold hearted, if i was a good wife he wouldnt need female friends, and my favorite: I "should be in jail for the years of emotional abuse I have put him through". So, I am planning ahead and seeking advice from the experts here on how to at least call him out on the one lie I can prove and then go from there.

Any advice whatsoever would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks in advance!

[maxen]

hi sotired 

first, i'm so sorry for the misery you've been put through. i was (technically still am) in a marriage with a pwBPD, so i have some idea of the experience of it. you've posted this on the Undecided board so i'll proceed on that basis. have you read through the lessons on the right hand side of this page?

you seem to be trying to build a legal case about an emotional issue. not a real legal case, i just mean an airtight argument of proof. but you already know (b/c you've said in your OP) what the result of presenting your h with the evidence is going to be. marriage is a relationship of commitment. based on your OP, your h has shown that he doesn't understand what that is.

if you want to work on setting boundaries, we have a few resources. two places to start are Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN) and BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence.

he certainly displays characteristic behaviors of a pwBPD: the verbal abuse (BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.), the projection (BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection ), the lability.  has he any awareness of his behavior patterns?

[sotiredtoonice]

Ironically enough if you get him drunk, he becomes crystal clear to everything hes ever done to me. But that goes away as soon as hes sober. He sees clearly that I do not communicate with him whatsoever and no matter how many times I try to explain why that is, he informs me that everything I say is not a reason, its blame or an excuse. So, I have just resorted to not talking at all, which annoys him, but it is what it is.

Just like most of us here, I love him, I really do, but I dont want to be with him anymore, and he knows that, deep down he does, but he wont let me go so here I am.