I met and fell in love with a special BPD woman

[FrenchConnection]

Hello, first time post after visiting for several weeks.

I began a relationship with a woman back in March (2014) which quickly blossomed into a full on love relationship.  I was at a point in my life where i was ready to find someone to build a full, romantic and happy-filled relationship.  Something that would lead into marriage and build our dreams upon.  This woman seemed to want the exact same thing and we had genuine happiness and fulfillment at the beginning.

Then little by little i noticed things not so normal with her behavior and emotional state.  We lived 3 hours apart and only saw each other on the weekends.   She would often be afraid that i would give up on her because of the distance, or afraid that i would get tired of her and find someone more attractive.  Or that my children would not like her and i would choose them over her.  And even afraid that my ex-wife would one day want me back so that she was always afraid of her.  I had to re-assure her almost each week because of these "abandonment feelings".  And each week it seemed there would be something to upset her and make her angry with me.

In between those times of abandonment feelings and mood swings were incredible passionate and loving moments.  Long conversations on the phone each night during the week that were inspiring and fulfilling; followed by close and intimate moments spent together each weekend.  Sundays i noticed her attitude would change as it became time for me to leave to go back home.  She was more agitated and easily angered.  We would normally have some sort of argument that she would start just before i left.

After months of living this way i slowly became "trained" to this behavior and learned to accept it as "normal".  It wasn't until one night at the cinema together that she "lost" it and had an aggressive verbal attack on me in the theater (before the movie started) for no apparent reason what so ever.  She yelled and told me to shut up and not start anything (when i simply asked her how she felt).  Everyone around us in the seats looked at us; i felt humiliated.  It was the first time i ever saw such aggressive behavior from her like that.  Then as i fell silent and no longer had any desire to speak she grabbed my hand and held it like everything was normal and there had been no episode. 

Our relationship stopped that night as we got home from the cinema and she could feel i was not comfortable in her presence any longer.

Separation for 5 weeks and then we decided to begin our relationship again.  2 months after that all the same problems of abandonment and aggressive behavior came back and we ended our relationship again.  I began looking on the internet for anything that could clue me in on what had happened and once i read about borderline personality disorder it described her perfectly.

She has met 7 or 8 of the 9 criteria.  Which is very scary. 

The most interesting thing is that she is studying to become a psychoanalyst .

Her parents abused her and abandoned her when she was 2-3 years old.

She has had a pattern of inter-relationship problems all her life with men, and within her own family.

She blames me for our relationship problems and says i have emotional problems that keep me from being a true man (projection).

She constantly invents things in her head and talks about them like they really happened when they never did.

She always pulled me in only to push me away; then pull me in again.

She says i never loved her or cared about her; and that i treated her so badly (completely false).

Then says i was the greatest love of her life and she will always love me.

The relationship only lasted 7 months but what a way to be introduced into the world of BPD.

There is real love between us (i know it).  But what to do after the bomb explodes like that in the relationship and she does not want (or see the need) to get help for herself.

Honestly, i love her and have come to the realization that i can not help her to get better.

And i respect myself too much to be treated in such a poor way (even if she has no control over it).

So just sharing my story.  Thanks for listening or reading. 

[terranova79]

Thanks for your post.  You're lucky you made it out and appear to be on the path to recovery.  Your situation sounds similar to mine, though I've been with my uBPDw for ten years.  Only the last year has been truly hellish, but that is enough to completely mess with one's mind.

Best of luck!

[tryingtohelp]

Hello French Connection, 

If this woman is BPD, you will need to protect yourself , as you are entering a minefield,  I have had seven years of it and have learned the hard way and would not wish what you are in for on anyone.  She will no doubt be very 'addictive'  and definitely 'special'  which keeps us coming back for more,  but god I paid for the 'good times' like 1 good time = 10 bad times. 

I still love my BPD friend, and I care about her very much,  but I will not let her cause the destruction I endured in the past... .it took me a long time to learn to walk away when she was mis behaving.  I think the worst to deal with were the multiple 'infidelities' !  Often the bad behaviour was fuelled by alcohol and other things. If she starts any of that behaviour, have the strength to pull away, I just got drawn in and went for the ride and for some reason just didn't seem able to do the right things, I did all the wrong things.

Some other tips:  Don't pressure her,  do not appear 'needy',  and walk away from bad behaviour.  If she starts raging at you, do not try to 'calm her down', do not argue with her this will make her worse, and do not get in her 'space' when she is in this state, again walk away. 

When she is happy and all is well, she is no doubt magic, but she will always be the way she is , unstable and volatile, it's not her fault , but don't let her mental illness destroy your life.   

[behindme]

Welcome French Connection - I'm sorry you've had to go through this but I'm glad you recognized these signs when you did and came to this site where you've gotten some good advice/support. 

It's interesting you wrote that this woman is studying to be a psychoanalyst. The first encounter I had with the person who opened my eyes to BPD was a male - who happened to be a psychologist of quite respected standing in the progressional community - affiliated with a teaching hospital, a health "guru", an author and lecturer. I was so honored he quickly transitioned me from patient to "friend" (major    in retrospect) wherein I learned of his three failed marriages, his multiple live-in girlfriends, his many doomed "love of my life" experiences, his numerous casual affairs. And then I finally his Jeckyl and Hyde personality emerge - no small wonder there.  I remember watching a cable TV show "In Treatment" where the lead character is told my his mentor, "You're a therapist with surprisingly little insight into yourself".  That was an aha moment for my ex-BPD/NPD "friend".  Sometimes I think such high-achieving PDs go into the field b/c part of them is aware something is not quite right but rather than admit to themselves they'd rather search for it in others. 

I took years of abuse and manipulation at the hands of such a person and what he was capable of doing to others.  I saw the damage he inflicted and I myself wasn't even a romantic interest so to get out of such  an entanglement now, even though the pain is raw, you must realize you are doing an invaluable service to yourself  in the long run. She is only going to perpetuate this pattern upon you and you deserve so, so much more.

From another perspective, my son married such a woman - ultimately divorced after a child. It's much harder then.

Whenever you feel those moments of doubt poke through, come here.  You'll get the encouragement you need to forge ahead.

Behindme

[FrenchConnection]

Thanks Tryingtohelp and Behindme for both of your insightful wisdom.

I agree with both of you and am thankful for your encouragement. 

I have read enough stories from others that i understand i can not help this woman overcome this disorder.  And i have decided to not have any more contact with her unless she really goes in for an exam or treatment with these specific issues.

I have seen that her behavior only hurts our relationship and i can not imagine living like that with someone for the rest of my life.  It is strange that she does want to go into this profession.  But i think you are right when you say it could be a way for her to search for her problems within others. 

In any case, she has not held a steady job for more than a couple of years (as far as i can see and from what she has told me).  So i doubt this hope for a profession will actually "stick".  She still has 2 years of school to finish.  She is 42 years old... .

Thanks again for being here to share your valuable experiences and helping people like me who have just stumbled upon this BPD lifestyle.  It encourages me to do the right thing: which is take care of me.

[Aussie0zborn]

Yes, continue taking care of you. So glad to hear you had the foresight to step out of the quagmire. That's the best place to be.