so much sadness

[tristesse]

I need help.

I try to stay positive and strong, I try to look at the big picture and then envision a positive future, but in reality Im a mess. I am so incredibly sad. I cry almost daily and don't know how to get it together.

My DD is the center of my world, everything revolves around her and her moods, and I don't know how to get my life back. She has been so off and on since July that I feel like I am caught up in a whirl wind.

I struggle everyday with my own emotions right now, and the end result is just heart wrenching sadness.

I'm sad because she is so miserable and I can't make her feel better. I'm sad because no matter how hard I try I end up triggering a rage. I'm sad because my life is in constant turmoil. I'm just sad all day everyday.

I am looking for support locally, because therapy is not an option for me right now, financially I can not afford to go and the thought of creating another bill has caused too much stress for my DH. So I just feel so lost and alone right now. I have no body to talk with and air my feelings to. My DH is having health problems, blood pressure, heart etc. So I don't want to stress him out, and my other children, well they are my children, so I am not going to give them this burden, they lived it themselves. My friends have all distanced themselves and are uneducated about BPD, so I have nobody in my circle to talk to.

I struggle with letting go, I feel like I need to protect my DD from the evils of the world because she is so fragile, but in doing so I am slowly dying inside. I need some advice, I need help learning to be strong and letting go before the stress of a BPD child kills me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear Tristesse

I am sorry you are struggling... .we have all had days and weeks like this... the fact you can see is healthy. You can see what effect this is all having on you and that is a good place to start.

We all feel the pain that our dd feel... .when they are treated badly... .but this is a lesson for them to learn. They need to find a way out of the darkness. They need to cope... .we can't do it for them. This is something you really have to take to heart.

I am one for writing lists and putting down on paper... .have you tried to make a list of the three biggest issues you are facing right now? Have you tried nami? they might have free support. Or maybe the community has some support groups... .can you tell us your three main problems right now?

[lever.]

I have been wondering how you are Tristesse and I am sorry that you are feeling so unhappy.

I don't have any wonderful suggestions but want to send my support and let you know that people on here care about your situation.

I don't know if this is helpful but when we are caring for someone with a mental illness it doesn't mean that we always have to do everything ourselves. Sometimes our role is to co-ordinate other care and keep an eye on things.

I realised this when my Mum finally had to go into a nursing home at 93 because her needs became too great for us to cope with. My role changed from day to day care to finding the right place, advocating for her and visiting every day to keep my eye on things.

I made this decision because I weighed up the needs of everyone in the family.

Your daughter is indeed very vulnerable and needs care-but your needs and your husband's needs are also important.

A local support group would be great if you can find one-they may know more about what practical help is available.

I'm still inclined to think that it would be easier for everyone if your daughter lived separately from you-you could still offer your love and supprt.

[tristesse]

jellibeans -  I have not tried a list. that could be a good place to start. I know you are correct in that She must find her own way out of the darkness, That is one of my biggest struggles, letting go.

lever -  I have also concluded that she needs to live elsewhere, and I am working on it. There is a very long wait for low income housing in this area, so I have been searching other counties. Then we have also requested her medical records, that has been a week ago now, so we can apply for disability. I want her to be somewhat independent and have some type of stability, I do not want to just kick her to the curb.

Thank you both for the input and the support. It means the world to me.

This is all just very heart breaking for me. I love her to the very depths of my soul, and I struggle with forcing her to leave, I feel evil. When she is screaming " why are you doing this to me, why do you torture me" I feel as if somebody just stabbed me right through the heart. I actually feel like I am torturing her. I don't know how not to feel so intensely protective, and yet so horribly mean.

I am looking for local support, and I hope I find it before I go utterly and completely insane.

[lever.]

I wouldn't kick her to the kerb either until something was in place.

I would be making a big fuss with the local mental health services though and putting pressure on them to help with finding somewhere.

You will not be abandoning her Tristesse, although she may see it like that at first. You could still be available to her to offer your support and care-but you would have respite in your own home and your relationship with your husband and his health would benefit.

You NEED to look after yourself too.

[jellibeans]

tristesse

it looks like you have several avenues open that you are working on... .get your dd involved too.

Just take it one step at a time and break the problem down into manageable pieces. I know I will be right where you are one day. My dd turns 18 next year and there is only so much our family can endure. There will be a time she has to leave and find her way. Provide her with the opportunities and let her do as much of the work as possible. Take care of yourself Tristesse... .it all doesn't have to happen today... .take it one day of a time... .think that each day she is getting closer to getting her own place... .wishing you peace and happiness 

[MammaMia]

tristesse

I am so sorry for your pain.  It sounds like you are really struggling.

The Holidays always seem to magnify all of our emotions, making it very difficult to cope.

Added to that, we often see the Holidays as wonderful, sweet, happy, and loving times FOR EVERYONE BUT US.  In that way, we tend to create some of our own misery.  Even the most perfect-looking families have issues.  That is reality. 

The best thing to do is to try to anticipate upcoming problems and outcomes.  That way, whatever happens is no surprise.  Try to see how things play out from different perspectives, not just your own, and DO NOT take responsibility for things you cannot control.  I think we are all guilty of this.

I hope you can find local support as well as staying here with us.  Check with local medical and county services to see what is available free of charge or at a minimal cost.  Support is out there, we just need to find it.   Is there a NAMI chapter in your town?  They are excellent and offer free courses.  Family to Family deals with different mental illnesses and is very helpful in suggesting ways to cope with them.  One of their greatest advantages, however, is the direct communication with others struggling with the same issues we have.  It truly makes one aware of how prevalent mental illness is.

I hope you can find some peace and comfort.  We ALL need that, and please keep us posted. 

[swampped]

Dear Tristesse:  My heart goes out to you---such a difficult situation.  I wonder if you have thought about AlAnon for support?  It does not seem as if your dd has a substance use problem, but alanon is for anyone who has a friend or family member whose life is affected by alcohol.  That fits just about everybody in the universe, I think!  At any rate,  my dh and I have found tremendous help there for our situation with our ds and his uBPDexw, and I cannot say enough about how the principles and the people have helped us.  There are meetings almost everywhere, and there are on-line meetings as well, so maybe you could find some support for what you are dealing with.   The meetings are free, confidential, and all are welcome.  YOu can share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with, and we have found some very good friends through those meetings.  I hope you can find some peace.  You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.  Blessings at Thanksgiving!       Swampped

[Elbry]

Oh Tristesse, big hugs to you 

I know just how you feel, I have days like that too.  I'm sorry to hear you don't have anyone in RL to talk to, it can be so hard because people just don't get it.  I am so fortunate to have a couple of friends who do understand that I can talk to and I am so thankful for them.  Just remember, although it isn't the exactly the same, you always have us. 

[PyneappleDays]

Oh sweetie I know how you feel.  It is so hard.  This is never what you imagine for your kids future.  When you think about their future it's paralyzing.  Friends and family can only absorb so much and they don't know what to do with it.

Have you thought of staring a group yourself?  Start organizing just a social a speaker?  You don't have do it yourself ask a church.

Also just take a step.  Step outside get some fresh air.  Plug your music and walk for a bit.  The first person that strikes up a conversation practise "I'm not saying anything about anyone just me” then stop.  There are lots of free walking groups.  For years when I was in my meetup groups I would not talk about my problem just me.  No negatives just positives.  It worked.  You have to make room for it.

Then start with your daughter 1 day a week for a couple of hours.  Set up topics then ask how you are going to handle it.  List.  Then what I've been doing is DD this is what I did with this situation then leave it.  Do something fun so you’re not just concentrating on the problem.  With my daughter she doesn't think of me as anything but the problem solver so it's retraining her to call me other times and have other conversations.

I hope that help or I just gave you one more reason to scream.