Dettaching from Family

[Dexter0420]

I am learning that my mother is an uBP.  I also believe that at the very least my grandmother is also an uBP but my aunt may be as well.  There have always been claims of victimization and poor choices with regard to finances with all three, and drug abuse and promiscuity with my mother and aunt.  Over time, I have cut my grandmother and aunt out of my life, as I can only withstand so much drama in my life.  My sister doesn't understand how I can do this and it is making me second guess myself.  As a child, I tried to protect her from a lot of what went on, and do not want to burden her with it now, but I still wonder whether I will regret the decision and if I am doing wrong by my kids.   

[clljhns]

Hi Dexter0420,

but I still wonder whether I will regret the decision and if I am doing wrong by my kids.   

Can you tell me a little more about what you mean? Are you afraid that you are depriving your children of their grandmother?

As a child, I tried to protect her from a lot of what went on, and do not want to burden her with it now,

There are 5 children in my family. We each had a very different perspective and experience at the hands of our parents. Could it be that your sister is the GC and therefore would have had a very different experience than you? Have you been painted black by uBPDmom?

If what you experienced in childhood was traumatic and painful enough that you felt the need to shelter your sister from it, what has changed now that you feel your children would now be safe around mom?

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Peace and blessings. 

[HappyChappy]

Hi Dexter, just to echo clljhns, would love to help and hear more of your situation. BPD and other PD do require a gene, so it's not unusual for it to hang around a family and some to have it and other not. It's also normal for a parent to want to protect their kids. If you want to expand on your position- happy to listen. 

[Dexter0420]

Thank you both for your replies. 

Usually I am fairly eloquent but my thoughts are getting muddied lately as I try and remember/come to terms with more things from my childhood and I find myself all over the page so to speak.

My story is long but it is what brought me to my decision, which I am trying to determine is selfish on my part when it affects my kids' relationship with my extended family. I apologize in advance for the length of this and if it goes off topic along the way.

I spent a lot of my childhood (3-4 days a week) at my grandparents.  My grandfather had a mental breakdown when I was a toddler and from that point forward became a religious zealot.  TV was bad, playing with boys was bad - anything but the perfectly behaved little catholic child was bad.  When I would stay there, we would pray the rosary on our knees every night and were read books on the lives of the saints as bedtime stories.  As a child of 4 or 5, I developed extreme anxiety over the horrific deaths they suffered and being told that only the worthy go to heaven.  I would lay awake for hours in a cold sweat knowing I was going to hell for ever and ever.  I would get physically sick on a regular basis.  Even though my parents and grandmother knew this, no one did anything because "grandpa only means well and loves you."

When I saw 14 I was molested by an uncle through marriage.  Even though my grandparents and other relatives knew this, the abuser was still invited to holidays, etc. and my aunt/his wife, disowned me until they divorced years later.  That was crushing.

Flash forward and my other aunt who is only a few years older than me gets married to an abusive man and has kids.  Those kids get abused so often I am told by my grandmother they are taken to different doctors to avoid speculation of abuse.  I talked to my aunt about leaving, offered her money to leave etc.  When she refused to leave and the abuse continued, I made a complaint to children and families.  That was a very hard decision to make but I couldn't live with myself if something happened to those kids.  When the investigator talked to my grandmother, she denied it.   The older kids have grown up to be abusive, alcohol and/or drug abusers and the younger ones are on the same path.  My boys are well behaved, love each other and are not disrespectful.  I do not want them around that.

Even though I grew up with a lot of dysfunction in my family, I have made a concerted effort to afford my children stability, the knowledge that they are truly loved and I would never knowingly let anything happen to them.  Sometimes I envy their innocence because I never felt I had it.  I guess I'm afraid of them seeing that side of my family.  I am also beginning to realize that my bigger issue is my mother's illness, which is a lot worse than my grandmother's in many ways.  I feel guilty for saying I feel I would be much happier and less stressed not to have a relationship with her... .but I know that is wrong.   I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me if I can cut people out of my life and not feel remorse about it.

[clljhns]

HI Dexter0420,

When I saw 14 I was molested by an uncle through marriage.  Even though my grandparents and other relatives knew this, the abuser was still invited to holidays, etc. and my aunt/his wife, disowned me until they divorced years later.  That was crushing.

I am so sorry this happened. I can only imagine the pain you suffered by this man and then your aunt. Often in dysfunctional families, the victim is blamed and/or ostracized for the abuse. Frequently, the abuse is never dealt with by the family, and it is simply swept under the rug. Have a you talked with a professional about this?

.  I feel guilty for saying I feel I would be much happier and less stressed not to have a relationship with her... .but I know that is wrong.   I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me if I can cut people out of my life and not feel remorse about it.

There is nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do. The difference is that you shouldn't feel guilty for something that you are not responsible for. You were a child who should have been protected and nurtured. You might want to read the article on FOG. I am including the link here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog.

Thank you for sharing your story. Know that we are here to listen and support. Please visit our board L5:Coping and Healing from a Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw. Many here understand what you are going through and can offer support.

Wishing you much peace.

[Dexter0420]

Thank you, I will definitely read that article.  I only recently learned of emotional incest and fog - it puts a lot into perspective for me. 

Yes, I saw a professional for the molestation and was able to forgive my family... .the forgetting is hard though and I don't think I ever really let my guard down with them since then.  I recently started seeing someone again for other childhood issues. Even with the anonymity here, I am uncomfortable speaking of other things that happened (not all relate to BPD).

[Linda Maria]

Hi Dexter!  I was very moved by your post - you have done amazingly well  to build a happy loving family of your own after everything you've been through.  That takes a lot of inner strength.  I wanted to reply because I was touched by your comment about cutting people out of your life and not feeling remorse about it.  I have not had anything like the experience you have had, my experience with a uBPD sis has only been a nightmare for the last 2 years, since my Mum died, but before that, although there was always the "walking on eggshells" situation, it was manageable.  But even before I understood what was really happening, that she probably has BPD, that there is very little I can do etc. and I was still thinking that she must just really, really hate me, but for some reason can't stop pestering me and trying to spoil my life, once I found a bit of strength from somewhere I just knew instinctively that I had to stop communicating as far as possible with her, and while it's not perfect, it has largely worked, in giving me my life and peace of mind back.  It no longer takes up all my waking thoughts and emotions.  I think you have very good gut instincts, and on some level you know that, sadly, cutting these people out of your life for the most part, is the right thing to do, particularly if you have children to protect.  You are fortunate to have such good insight about this, and to have come through what you have, understanding that the problem does not originate with you, that you are not responsible for it, and that this is how you have to deal with it.  Well done!  I can only imagine how hard its been, but you clearly have great strength of character.  I wish you well.