Admitting that one is drama addict

[Sofie]

One of the very important things I have realised in the aftermath of having healed from my relationship with my exBPD partner is that I am - and always have been - a drama addict and that this very likely played a strong part in why I was attracted to her in the first place. What I am still struggling with is learning how to live a life without drama - it's something that I yearn to do, but that I have realised I am very badly prepared for.

Growing up, I was exposed to drama on so many levels - living with uNPD mother, serious illness, death, alcoholism, emotional and verbal abuse, constant worry and fear... .all of this became part of my life early on. What many people perceived as extremes was my normal as a child and this shaped me - it is as if as an adult I am constantly waiting for hell to break loose in my life. For chaos to unfold. And sometimes it is as if it's a release when the ___ DOES hit the fan, because waiting for it to do so, constantly being on guard, is more stressful. Recently, I saw the movie "Hurt Locker" about an Iraqi veteran who couldn't adjust to daily life coming back to the US, so in the end he chose to return to Iraq, because he somehow felt that being in life-or-death situations was all he knew how to do. On a metaphorical level, I could relate so much to this.

But now I am in a good and healthy place for the first time in my life, really. I am in a new relationship with a wonderful and HEALTHY woman,  I am taking care of myself and those around me, nice home, good income - future's looking bright. But there's a dark side in me which somehow yearns to smash this to pieces - to create chaos or find it. It's so sick - I really feel as if I lack the skills to live a life that is calm and healthy... .and it really disturbs me. Can any of you relate? How to let go of the need for drama?

[Mutt]

You've been through a lot. I'm sorry. I cannot say that I can relate to being addicted to drama. I didn't have boundaries and that didn't keep the bad stuff out. How's your self esteem / self worth?

[waverider]

Is it a need for competition, a need to beat the problem, any problem. Almost like an adrenalin need.

Maybe a sport to get the competitive side out, and something like yoga and meditation to help you embrace serenity.

[Ihope2]

"What many people perceived as extremes was my normal as a child and this shaped me - it is as if as an adult I am constantly waiting for hell to break loose in my life. For chaos to unfold. And sometimes it is as if it's a release when the ___ DOES hit the fan, because waiting for it to do so, constantly being on guard, is more stressful"

- this is a spot-on accurate description, Sofie.  Have you read Patrick Carnes' "Betrayal Bonds - Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships" yet? It comes to mind, because I think he is one of the behavioural experts on the forefront of trauma addiction issues.  There is a mini test in one of the chapters to uncover one's level of various behavioural problems, and one of this is trauma excitement, which is what comes to mind here.

I scored low on trauma excitement, I think it is because there was not really any loud and physical ranting and raving and shouting and slamming of doors, breaking of things, etc in my FOO household. Just a constant upwelling of negativity, sarcasm, moodiness, silences, pompous and self-righteous behaviour on the part of my uNPD stepfather... . But yes, I know the feeling of always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something to go horribly wrong again and for my world to spin out of orbit.  Consistency and security were in short supply in my family.  So I ended up becoming very rigid and static as a person, and I just wanted my life to stay the same.  

But I definitely score very high on the scale that measures extreme loyalty in the face of great betrayal!

What is helping me is to dig into the deep origins of my behaviour, and I find that it had to do with fearing utter loss and abandonement if I did not prop up my mother after the ugly divorce of my parents when I was about 7yrs, and also to be her 'little helper, confidante and sorority sister' during her 13 awful years of marriage to the NPD stepfather we had. I did it so that I could have her be there for me!  This same dynamic took over during my marriage to my exBPDh.  I propped him up, so that he would be there for me.

In the case of trauma excitement dynamic, Patrick Carnes writes about how physiological arousal and calming processes in the body kick in.  You get physiologically used to feeling that adrenalin pumping when the chaos hits, and then you do whatever is needed to calm the situation and calm your body down again.  This becames a self-perpetuating process, and hence, when things are calm, your body feels that something is missing.  

Perhaps the idea of working out physically is good for this,  to get those stress hormones out of your system?

I have seen the Hurt Locker, it rates as one of the best movies I have seen in recent years.  That guy was completely in the grips of trauma excitement.  That scene of him in the supermarket staring at all the different varieties of cereal whilst losing his mind, summed it up brilliantly.

All the best to you.

[hergestridge]

I see where you're coming from Sofie. It wasn't like that at all for me.

On the contrary I so scared of drama that I did everything my exwife asked me to. Everything to avoid an unpleasant scene. That was her power over me.

I grew up in very silent household where conflicts where swept under the rug and I was a very cooperative, obedient child. Drama was the last thing I wanted. What my wife offered was 100% devotion from day one, which appealed to me because I found it hard to build a relationship.

When the abuse started I was just sad and scared. It was definitely not "home" to me in any way.

But I recognize the pattern you describe for many other BPD nons + partners of alcoholics/junkies. It's a great insight you have made.

[Sofie]

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful replies - it means a lot to me, since these feelings are very difficult for me to speak about with most people as few seem able to relate. Thanks, guys.  

@waverider

It's got nothing to do with an urge to compete, no. I am not at all a competitive person. It is more of a feeling of constant disbelief and mistrust in that I am now in a place where I don't need to have my guard up all the time. I know this may be difficult to understand, but I think I can best illustrate it with an example: When I grew up, my mother's mood swings totally dominated our family - if uNPD mother was happy, phew... .the possibility existed that we would have a day without rage. If uNPD mom was NOT happy, however... .better watch out! When I was small, my ability to decipher and interpret the slightest of change in my mother's behaviour could mean the difference between my sister and I getting out of the way of a beating or not. I guess it's this constant vigilance I am carrying into adult life - a learned survival tactic.

@Ihope2

What you wrote really resonated with me, and I will definitely look into that book. I am not familiar with the specific term "trauma excitement" but I am aware of that growing up in danger (emotional or physical) can lead to you having an over-active nervous system which - I guess - in some way is what constitutes post-traumatic stress. Thanks so much.  

[waverider]

It's got nothing to do with an urge to compete, no. I am not at all a competitive person. It is more of a feeling of constant disbelief and mistrust in that I am now in a place where I don't need to have my guard up all the time. I know this may be difficult to understand, but I think I can best illustrate it with an example: When I grew up, my mother's mood swings totally dominated our family - if uNPD mother was happy, phew... .the possibility existed that we would have a day without rage. If uNPD mom was NOT happy, however... .better watch out! When I was small, my ability to decipher and interpret the slightest of change in my mother's behaviour could mean the difference between my sister and I getting out of the way of a beating or not. I guess it's this constant vigilance I am carrying into adult life - a learned survival tactic.

Is it to do with an impaired ability to independently regulate? In other words your moods have always been reactionary regulations driven by the moods of others. Left without someone to react to you have lost your benchmarks and you become unstable.

[BrokenFamily]

I wouldn't call myself a drama addict but I do preform better under pressure. The constant destruction of our relationship and life together kept me on my toes and always fixing things which I love to do. Unfortunately or fortunately it had to end, I'm enjoying the peace and tranquility. I take bubble baths again, enjoy reading a good book and have plenty of time and energy to focus on bettering myself and my life.

[vortex of confusion]

One of the very important things I have realised in the aftermath of having healed from my relationship with my exBPD partner is that I am - and always have been - a drama addict and that this very likely played a strong part in why I was attracted to her in the first place. What I am still struggling with is learning how to live a life without drama - it's something that I yearn to do, but that I have realised I am very badly prepared for.

When you grow up constantly on alert, that is what you become programmed to do. You have to deprogram yourself. I have been trying to step away from drama for years but it seems to find me. I always have so many mixed emotions about it. On one hand, I get frustrated and want the drama to end but on the other hand, I am glad that there is some level of drama because that means that I am not sitting and waiting in fear. Like you, I grew up in a household where there was always some kind of drama going on. I am the youngest of four kids and our parents always had something going on. Dad would go to jail for a routine traffic stop. Mother would throw fits and go hide in a car in the backyard. My oldest sister and brother were known for throwing and breaking stuff. One time, they went after each other with a tree saw. And then there was a time when I put my turtle in the yard and my sister ran over it accidentally. My mother raised so much hell with my dad over that that he ended up beating the crap out of my sister. I still have flashbacks of her cowering on the floor while my dad just kicked her. Now that I am an adult, my family of origin is still at it. My mother alternates who she paints black. Last year, it was one sister. Now it is my brother. I knew that her being mad and starting a war with my brother was coming. I just didn't know when. Now that it has happened, it is like a release because I am no longer waiting for it to happen.

I wonder if you are like me in that when there is drama it means that you are not waiting in fear but are in a position where you know what is going on and you can actually act or do something, even if it is just to hide. If there is no drama, then you don't know what to do with yourself. I think waverider might be onto something when he mentions an impaired ability to independently regulate. I know that most of my regulation growing up was dependent on what was going on around me. I was really good at self soothing and becoming invisible.

What many people perceived as extremes was my normal as a child and this shaped me - it is as if as an adult I am constantly waiting for hell to break loose in my life. For chaos to unfold.

Yep, that explains my childhood to a tee.

But now I am in a good and healthy place for the first time in my life, really. I am in a new relationship with a wonderful and HEALTHY woman,  I am taking care of myself and those around me, nice home, good income - future's looking bright. But there's a dark side in me which somehow yearns to smash this to pieces - to create chaos or find it. It's so sick - I really feel as if I lack the skills to live a life that is calm and healthy... .and it really disturbs me. Can any of you relate? How to let go of the need for drama?

I can relate. One of the reasons that I liked my husband that has a lot of BPD traits so much in the beginning was because he was not addicted to drama. He had a regular childhood that was pretty peaceful and was very, very routine. I thought he was safe. He was the exact opposite of my family growing up. He avoided conflict as much as I did and that has led to a whole host of problems between us. I have run from chaos and conflict while secretly enjoying it when it does happen. For me, I don't have a need for drama as much as I have a need to not live in fear. If there is drama, I am not afraid. If there is peace and calm, then I am afraid. If there is drama, I am able to act. I know what to do and how to handle it. I don't think it is the need for drama as much as it is the need to feel like I know what to do and how to handle things. Think about what happens when you hold your breath. You get tense trying to hold it in. When you finally breathe, it is a huge relief. I think that is how it is with the drama stuff. When things are calm and peaceful, I feel like I am holding my breath. When things are chaotic or when there is drama in my family of origin, then I feel like I can breathe again. That might be what happens with you as well. The key is to figure out how to breathe when things are calm and peaceful.

[Sofie]

Thanks everyone - so great to hear your thoughts!

@vortexofconfusion

Wow... .I could have written your post word for word. Thanks so much for your insight!

I wonder if you are like me in that when there is drama it means that you are not waiting in fear but are in a position where you know what is going on and you can actually act or do something, even if it is just to hide. If there is no drama, then you don't know what to do with yourself. I think waverider might be onto something when he mentions an impaired ability to independently regulate. I know that most of my regulation growing up was dependent on what was going on around me. I was really good at self soothing and becoming invisible.

This is exactly how I am, yes. I work in a managerial function where I often have to negotiate and defuse high conflict situations, and my colleagues often remark how my ability to stay calm and efficient in almost every situation is uncanny. The more everyone else panic, the more I keep my cool. Of course, this is a good ability to have in many situations, but it does sicken me a bit to begin to understand that my abusive childhood groomed me into having this personality trait. Because at what cost did I get it? The ability to reognize and express my own emotions, I think.

And yes, waverider is absolutely right - I have difficulty regulating my own emotions without someone else being there to counterbalance me somehow. Again, when you grow up learning that your job is to be a counterweight to crazy, it's difficult to know what to do when crazy is not there anymore.

[Ziggiddy]

Sofie I read this thread with great interest.

I can relate about the drama thing. Yes there was plenty of it in my home - my uBPD/NPDm is histrionic to a marked degree.

I also identify with Vortex and the sense of security I derive from being in control. I cannot STAND suspense.

Day after day waiting for Dad to come home from work to spot whatever I hadn't done perfectly and cop a whopping. It was too awful. I'd rather get the thing happening than wait for it.Too unbearable.

I have learned through trauma work that I have a very low tolerance for ambivalence - you may wish to look into that as it can lead to a compulsive need to act rather than wait.

Could you channel the desire into a productive end? like making art or writing fiction?

Then you couldn make the characters the centre of the drama rather than feeling a need to conflict with those around you? (if that is what you feel, you may not want that kind of drama)

Also i have a playlist of music that affects my emotions and that is my go-to when i need to live more than is in my life. Tales of broken hearts, or loss, or just reminders of intense times in my life.

In the end though, I am finding that as I genuinely grieve my losses and truly feel old pain my desire for more drama in my life has lessened considerably.

Is there a particular type of drama you prefer? As in, do you feel more from histrionic displays or people invoked into intense feelings? It would help to know what you define as 'drama'.

Ziggiddy

[DreamerGirl]

Gee just reading all your responses brings back so many memories. 

I grew up with a BPD Queen/Waif Mother.  She is so dramatic about everything and takes on your pain as if it's her own.

I was very emeshed with my Mother until about 8 years ago.  It was hard, the drama and hysterics.  I always felt like to get her approval and love I needed to be as emotionally charged up as she was.  Show the same type of reaction, even if I didn't feel it.  So, I would rise to her level for her approval.  She could relate to me then.  If I stayed calm when she was hysterical, then