Advice from a 10yr veteran

[Crumbling]

I've opted to stay with my BPDh.  He has had counselling.  He has fluctuated back and forth with his alcohol addiction for years, and is in a place right now where he is staying away from it because his health fails every time he drinks.  And we are in our early 50s.

I love this man with a love I have never known before, and still do even after everything we have been through.  If I'm being honest, I must say the feelings come and go, but it seems they grow deeper each time they come back.  And I pray I will die still married to this guy.

The cost of this commitment?  oh my.

We all need things in our relationships that help make them good for us.  Something the other does that lifts us up, makes us feel strong, brings a smile and a warm and fuzzy.  I've committed to a man who automatically pushes me away in some fashion when he gets a warm and fuzzy.   He gets uplifted and without even knowing what he is doing, he begins to lash out at me.  Or on good days, push me away.

The cost of staying for me has been that I have accepted that I will be punished (or so it feels) every time I do something good for the man I love.  Through the one year of therapy he had (he isn't going anymore), he learned lots of tools and coping skills to help us, and him.  And it does help at times. 

What therapy doesn't do, is erase the BPD in him.  It still happens, the mood swings, the unexplained lashing out, the black/white ___.  And I've learned from veterans with far more experience than I, on this site, that this is NEVER going to change.  We simply learn to adapt enough to live with it.

This means that I will almost never get the opportunity to feel complete joy in the moment with my husband.  He can't stay 'in the moment' and mindful when he is happy - it is just who he is.  Doesn't make my need to bond through the good times with my spouse any less, tho.  Just unfulfilled.  Loneliness and a yearning for a compassionate human connection are constant companions of mine.  For the rest of my life. 

It is a huge burden.  I work at accepting it every day.

My advice?  Think.  Think long and hard.  Look within yourself and decide if you are strong enough to live happy in spite of the BPD.  Pray, meditate, seek answers whatever way you do, just don't do it lightly.  So much is at stake.  Especially if there are children involved.  Everybody knows about the 'generational curse', right?  The little sponges in your home will mimic what they see.  They will learn BPD behaviour as normal behaviour, and continue the cycle.  And it's a very very very hard one to break.

I'm sorry if my words sound harsh, but I need to speak the truth - as I see it.  With every breath you take, your book is being written.  What was can be thought about later, what is to come will be what it is.  So stay in the now.  Decide if this is a now that defines the real you, because each word comes from the breath you take now. 

My prayers are with the young couples I read about here, struggling with huge burdens every day.  And my appreciation goes out to the veterans, and the BPDs who are so brave in their honesty in these posts.

Now I'm late for work.

Yours truly,

The Rebellious Preacher In Me,

C.

[adventurer]

I'm not young (mid40s) but I feel very lost and confused about things at times.  I read and appreciate your post very much.