My Adult Daughter Has BPD Traits--I am feeling ill.

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi--I just joined this group.  My daughter--in her 30's--has been having a very difficult life.  We recognize the BPD traits in her.  After various incidents in her life we have recommended she seek therapy for her problems.  She has lost one job due to problems relating to the boss and is about to lose another.  It is always the boss's fault.  She is completely miserable in her job and has been pretty much told she is incompetent.  I never know whether it is them or her, but I am starting to believe it is her.  She does not get the concept that no matter how awful you think the boss is, you still need to maintain an aura of respect.  You have to pay the bills.  She blames her father for her problems.  She blames the boss.  It is complicated but she gets me to start believing she is not at fault. She berates me for not encouraging her to "stand up for herself."   She has been through numerous relationships with men where she is totally attached in a matter of days or weeks.  When they break up with her she practically stalks them and/or their friends to find out what went wrong.  When she does find a nice guy she rejects him.  She just left our house today after Christmas.  I gave her three sweaters which she just left on the shelf.  It makes me feel like crying.  All the way home she has been texting me though I told her not to text and drive and that I would not respond... .why don't we support her when she stands up for herself, she claims we tell her to lay down and be taken advantage of and that she has no options.  She is educated.  She could find something else to do.  I told her that I want her to find another job where she is happy to go to work instead of miserable.  I am 63 years old and I don't know what to say to her that will not cause me to be yelled at or nagged at.  It makes me sick.  I see a therapist to talk about her.  I want to block her from texting me.  I don't know what to do.  It is torture.  Can someone respond here to my post?  I really could use someone to talk to.  Thanks.

[Roxy Pearl]

Hi--I just joined this group.  My daughter--in her 30's--has been having a very difficult life.  We recognize the BPD traits in her.  After various incidents in her life we have recommended she seek therapy for her problems.  She has lost one job due to problems relating to the boss and is about to lose another.  It is always the boss's fault.  She is completely miserable in her job and has been pretty much told she is incompetent.  I never know whether it is them or her, but I am starting to believe it is her.  She does not get the concept that no matter how awful you think the boss is, you still need to maintain an aura of respect.  You have to pay the bills.  She blames her father for her problems.  She blames the boss.  It is complicated but she gets me to start believing she is not at fault. She berates me for not encouraging her to "stand up for herself."   She has been through numerous relationships with men where she is totally attached in a matter of days or weeks.  When they break up with her she practically stalks them and/or their friends to find out what went wrong.  When she does find a nice guy she rejects him.  She just left our house today after Christmas.  I gave her three sweaters which she just left on the shelf.  It makes me feel like crying.  All the way home she has been texting me though I told her not to text and drive and that I would not respond... .why don't we support her when she stands up for herself, she claims we tell her to lay down and be taken advantage of and that she has no options.  She is educated.  She could find something else to do.  I told her that I want her to find another job where she is happy to go to work instead of miserable.  I am 63 years old and I don't know what to say to her that will not cause me to be yelled at or nagged at.  It makes me sick.  I see a therapist to talk about her.  I want to block her from texting me.  I don't know what to do.  It is torture.  Can someone respond here to my post?  I really could use someone to talk to.  Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hello Roxy Pearl  

I also have a daughter in her 30s with BPD and I have found a lot of help and support on the board for parents. There are many of us there with adult children.

It sounds as if your daughter is finding it difficult to take adult responsibility for her own decisions and is always looking to you for support and advice-and ,of course, you are then to blame if things don't work out well.

There is a very good book called "I don't have to make everything better" which helps with handling this sort of issue.

If you visit the parent's board (L5) there are brief articles on the right hand side (called "tools" to help improve communication with your daughter and set boundaries.

People with BPD suffer great unhappiness and the guilt, stress and unhappiness spreads through the whole family. It is not surprising that you feel ill and tired-it is very important to look after yourself-we talk about that too on the parents board.

It has been kind of quiet on here over Christmas. I can assure you that the parent's board is a very welcoming place and there are people there who will want to offer their support.

Many of us have been in similar situations and really understand how difficult it is.

[NorthernGirl]

Hello Roxy Pearl.

I'm sorry you have been through such a difficult time with your daughter. As lever says, you will find lots of support and help on the Parenting board. Just click on this link to get there: Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board. As you read, you'll realize you are not alone.

You may find it helpful to try some of the tools on this site related to communicating with someone with BPD. Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN). It also is very helpful to learn about validation: Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it.

Please keep reading and posting. You've come to the right place.