Daughter wants nothing to do with us now

[kelc323]

I'm just reaching out for advice and trying to grapple with guilt and extreme sadness.

I've posted a couple of times this week about the enormous difficulties we've had with our BPDD27, her boyfriend and our desire to protect our GS3. Last week, CPS notified her that they were sending her case file to the DA to review and make recommendations. My husband and I made four reports between us and once my T called the hotline when I was sharing a particularly scary situation. The last report we made was in June. The violence and drug use that occurred within their home IN FRONT OF our grandson is horrific. Both of them have been arrested throughout the last 10 months, but no one looked out for our grandson's welfare. We were unable to take more responsibility of our grandson, because his father lives with my daughter. He has made it perfectly clear that he hates us and doesn't want his son to have much contact with us.  Recently, he picked up my grandson, held his face to his, and yelled as loud as he could that "his grandparents were pieces of ___." (My daughter reported this) In the past, we offered to let her move in with us to get on her feet, but she'd move back in with her boyfriend within a couple of days. We also paid for her deposit, rent and utilities in July, when she retained Section 8 housing, but then her abusive boyfriend moved in with her a couple of weeks later. Once we found out we were supporting him, too, we quit paying. I will not support her boyfriend and pay for him to live with my daughter and abuse her and terrorize my grandson.

According to my daughter, they are being taken to court because of their refusal to participate in family counseling. However, she and her boyfriend blame us entirely for this. According to them, if we had kept our mouths shut and minded our own business, none of this would be happening.

We are being blamed and painted black. It seems like every time I try and reconnect with my daughter and grandson, the boyfriend is in her head and convincing her WE are the problem. The focus then shifts back to how terrible her parents are. I know this is typical abusive behavior, but it's almost impossible to battle. As an aside, the boyfriend's brother and mother are both serving time in prison. His mother has been in and out of prison most of his life. His father is deceased. In the beginning (about 6 years ago), I was very empathetic to his situation. He had a tough life. I opened our home to him and tried very hard to make him feel welcome in our family. He always felt uncomfortable and never liked how close we all were... .even my daughter and I used to be fairly close and able to brave the storms of her illness. Sadly, this has all changed.

Today, through her texts, my daughter was particularly vicious. I decided to call her and calmly tried to talk with her. When she said she felt hurt and betrayed, I validated her. I do understand why she feels this way. I tried to explain that I was trying to protect her and my grandson and was hopeful counseling would help all of them. My daughter started to soften and then the boyfriend re-entered the room. Everything changed. He was yelling at her and telling her I'm a liar and that I'm trying to manipulate her. That I'm trying to antagonize her. Basically, I'm the enemy.

So here's my dilemma. My daughter has clearly stated that she wants us out of her life and out of her son's life. Part of me believes that I should step back. I'm beginning to think the abusive relationship is leaving her more at risk to have contact with me. Given her BPD and her unstable sense of self, her boyfriend has managed to take complete control and manipulate her perception of reality. Am I making things worse by trying to stay connected? Do I even fight for visitation of my grandson or am I putting all of us at risk? Is it ever appropriate to wave the white flag and walk away? Is there a way to stay connected, without being connected, that is safe for her? I am scared for her welfare, but I can't protect her. What do I do?

My heart hurts.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

My heart hurts.

 ... .No wonder your heart hurts, this is a terrible dilemma to be dealing with... . 

So here's my dilemma. My daughter has clearly stated that she wants us out of her life and out of her son's life. Part of me believes that I should step back. I'm beginning to think the abusive relationship is leaving her more at risk to have contact with me. Given her BPD and her unstable sense of self, her boyfriend has managed to take complete control and manipulate her perception of reality. Am I making things worse by trying to stay connected? Do I even fight for visitation of my grandson or am I putting all of us at risk? Is it ever appropriate to wave the white flag and walk away? Is there a way to stay connected, without being connected, that is safe for her? I am scared for her welfare, but I can't protect her. What do I do?

I wish I had the answers for you, these are difficult decisions with serious implications. If I were in your situation, I would consult at least two psychologists that I trust and also really examine my gut feelings about this together with all of the logical arguments. I would also treat the grandson question separately from the daughter question.

That being said, what makes you believe that you should step back? Do you feel like backing away a bit, giving your dd more space might be safer for her and give her opportunity to reach out to you?

How much time does your gs get to spend with you?

[kelc323]

That being said, what makes you believe that you should step back? Do you feel like backing away a bit, giving your dd more space might be safer for her and give her opportunity to reach out to you?

This is part of the reason. She feels very out of control of her life right now. Unfortunately, the only control she actually does have is her relationship with us. Maybe by lovingly acquiescing to her demands, she will not be focused on us and will have to sit with the reality of her life. I also believe that since she is in an abusive relationship, she is projecting a lot of his stuff, as well as her own, onto us. There has been a definite pattern created. When she is in a good space with us, he starts messing with her head and treating her poorly. When their relationship is rocky, they need a distraction and a common bond to reestablish a connectedness. Typically, this is when they split us black. When they do this, it takes the focus off their relationship and other problems. I think that if I step back, my DD will have no choice, but to deal with the reality of her situation. We won't be around to blame.

How much time does your gs get to spend with you?

We typically spend one or two evenings after work each week, then an overnight every other week or so. It's been hard having overnights with our GS, because of his sleep schedule. His parents keep him up until 3-4AM, so he will sleep until 2-3PM. I can usually get him to fall asleep around 12:30AM, at which time I'm exhausted. I feel a lot of shame that I don't spend more time with him, but I still have a teenager at home and a husband who travels a lot for work and who is only home on the weekends. Plus, an older son who I spend time with as well. My job is very stressful and I often put in long hours. I feel pulled in many different directions and find myself feeling very tired. My dd has never been willing to come over with our grandson and just spend time with us, which I would've really enjoyed and asked if she would on several occasions. My BPDDD has constantly told me that I'm a terrible grandma when compared to other grandmas. I don't know. Maybe I am.

I don't have any relationships with psychologists to consult. I do have a relationship with the DBT T that originally saw my daughter and worked with our family. We have worked together for the last 10 years. She has been a wonderful resource in helping me make my way through the maze of BPD. In this situation, she has been very supportive. She reminds me that I need to focus on me and stop living my life for others. She has also been fearful of the boyfriend and encourages me to be safe... .like meeting in a public parking lot to pick up my GS. My T helps me practice DBT skills and effective ways to communicate with my dd, but gently reminds me that some radical acceptance of my own may be in order.