What stupid things did you do to cheer up/ placate your exBPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey

Was just wondering what things people had done to cheer up or placate their exBPD when they were sulking or in a rage.

Mine was constantly sulking and giving me the silent treatment. Normally because I'd ask her what was wrong (before I even knew about BPD). To get her out of a sulk I once picked her up and pretended to throw her in the sea. She loved it, giggling like a 3 year old! Another time I bought her big animal slippers to stop her sulking and again she loved them and wore them everywhere. Even outside... .3 year old. Say no more!

[H Hi]

Hey

Was just wondering what things people had done to cheer up or placate their exBPD when they were sulking or in a rage.

Mine was constantly sulking and giving me the silent treatment. Normally because I'd ask her what was wrong (before I even knew about BPD). To get her out of a sulk I once picked her up and pretended to throw her in the sea. She loved it, giggling like a 3 year old! Another time I bought her big animal slippers to stop her sulking and again she loved them and wore them everywhere. Even outside... .3 year old. Say no more!

[Elpis]

For YEARS I would end up giving my uBPDh one of his Christmas gifts early, like a couple of weeks early! He'd get so sulky about the holidays, every stinking year, and every stinking year i'd think I had to "fix it" when for cryin' out loud HE'S A GROWNUP! (sorta.)

[vortex of confusion]

Sexual favors. If he would get pouty or sulky, I knew that I could get him aside and give him a certain favor and everything would be okay for a while.

Or I could cook him his favorite meal. Or find money in the budget for something that he had been obsession over. Or lay in bed next to him and hold him and rub his back like I do one of the kids. Or let him play his game nonstop without asking him for anything.

There are some other really stupid and silly things that I have done to cheer him up that I probably shouldn't share in public. Just think of the Milkshake song. . .

[Pingo]

Truthfully, I'd see red when mine pouted or gave me the ST.  I just ignored him (not really, it made me crazy inside).  I refused to give him attention when he acted like this.  Then when he'd be finished with this pouting and back to normal, this is when I turned into a pretzel trying to please him so I could avoid the next ST (unsuccessfully of course)!

[Tmwmf]

We were out walking miles from nowhere and she had spat the dummy and was way behind me on purpose, I was determined I didn't want to spend the whole weekend like this so I walked back to her and started singing why do you build me up buttercup from something about mary... .she joined in and we spent the rest of the day holding hands and singing songs  

[BuildingFromScratch]

Sexual favors. If he would get pouty or sulky, I knew that I could get him aside and give him a certain favor and everything would be okay for a while.

Or I could cook him his favorite meal. Or find money in the budget for something that he had been obsession over. Or lay in bed next to him and hold him and rub his back like I do one of the kids. Or let him play his game nonstop without asking him for anything.

There are some other really stupid and silly things that I have done to cheer him up that I probably shouldn't share in public. Just think of the Milkshake song. . .

Holy crap Vortex, that sounds like some top rated dating ad or something. And he still wasn't happy? Insanity.

Anyways, the way I placated the most was by taking all the blame after every argument. It's the reason why we lasted as long as we did. It's also the reason why my self esteem was damaged so severely.

[vortex of confusion]

Holy crap Vortex, that sounds like some top rated dating ad or something. And he still wasn't happy? Insanity.

Oh yes, it has been complete insanity. You have no idea how many things that I have read over the years to try to be a better wife and find ways to make my husband happy. I think I took the care taking role a little bit too far at times.

I started opening my eyes to the insanity of it all when I was talking to guys online and asking them ideas on how to take better care of my husband. At the time, I didn't understand why they were so flabbergasted and taken aback when I told them all of the things that I had tried. Almost all of them told me that if I did those things and he still wasn't happy then HE was the problem. I think a few people referred to him as a spoiled brat.

[Elpis]

None of the things I tried ever worked, but you might have had a shot, Vortex.

[evilpepsi]

Hey

Was just wondering what things people had done to cheer up or placate their exBPD when they were sulking or in a rage.

Mine was constantly sulking and giving me the silent treatment. Normally because I'd ask her what was wrong (before I even knew about BPD). To get her out of a sulk I once picked her up and pretended to throw her in the sea. She loved it, giggling like a 3 year old! Another time I bought her big animal slippers to stop her sulking and again she loved them and wore them everywhere. Even outside... .3 year old. Say no more!

not a damn thing. when she was happy and in a good mood then i tried to reinforce that, but i didn't play the game with her. i would just ignore her and then she would come back around. i knew her mood colors and when she went into red that meant leave her alone before she went black... .

[Elpis]

Evilpepsi,

you sound much less codependent and enabling than I was! So great.

[evilpepsi]

Evilpepsi,

you sound much less codependent and enabling than I was! So great.

wasn't my first rodeo... .

[Elpis]

... .and I was caught up in one loong, never-ending rodeo!

[peiper]

At first I tried talking to her, but that always ended up going in circles. I finally got to where I just went in the den and watched TV. Figured she's a big girl she can figure it out. Well she did, she got a boyfriend 

[Loveofhislife]

Well, the STUPIDEST things were giving him money.  I was emotionally extorted out of more of my hard-earned money than I care to remember.  That's pretty much all he wanted.  Or the things that money can buy.    The true "love of his life" never was me:  it always was my checkbook.

[whythisgirl]

Let me not get started with my laundry list.

1. I would apologize for ___ I didn't do. ALL the time.

2. Buy him things that he mentioned in the past that he wanted.

3. Cook for him.

4. Stay with him resulting in me canceling other obligations.

5. Go on mini vacations (ride to the beach, book a room out at Disney, all sorts of things)

Regardless what I did he got would be happy one minute and mood change the next minute. We went on a cruise 2 months ago and its was the WORST! He hot upset over everything. We were having breakfast and he told me he was going to go back to grab another item. It took him an hour to return so I was a bit disappointed because I has finished my breakfast. Because I wasn't eating while he was eating he got so upset and said he wasn't hungry anymore. My favorite saying to him was that I can't win for losing. No matter how hard I tried I always came in last place.

[Deeno02]

Welp, I didnt do anything but apologize profusely to keep the peace, because, after all, it was all my fault.

[going places]

Stupid things I did?

1. Went into to debt, buying him whatever he wanted to stop the sulking / pouting / temper tantrums, and silent treatement.

2. Apologize TO HIM for HIS adulteress affair.

3. Do all the work (work 2-3 jobs, all the cooking and cleaning, the yard work, home repairs, paid all the bills, dealt with any repair man / insurance issues / anything that had an issue, all the shopping (clothes, grocery, etc). I did ALL the work. All he had to do is go to work, M-F 9-5, that was it. And if I bothered him with a 'repair' on a car or the house, or asked him to help around the house? WOW it was the end of the world... .

[Elpis]

When we were adopting our son, a social worker had to come interview us and such. After she heard what I did compared to my uBPDh's "go to work/come home/be waited on" life she looked me in the eyes and said "So you do pretty much everything." I nodded. But I had just accepted it as the way it was! That phrase has stuck with me now for nearly 20 years... .

[billypilgrim]

I mostly apologized.  And I tried to get her sidetracked on other things, trips, new car, outings, parties, etc.  And I don't think I ever realized that I was making a conscious effort to "fix" her issues.  It was just my natural response when things went a little off.  Then I just got used to the up and down of it all.  She'd be good for a while, then something would happen.  Boom, drama.  I think that's probably why I was so shocked when she left, she would always come back after she wasn't happy.  This time she didn't. 

[Lion Fire]

I don't know how many cups of tea I made her just to break the tension and buy myself a few minutes of ceasefire 

It helped when I apologized for anything and everything too 

It didn't matter if it was my fault or not.

She told me to "get funnier", ie tell jokes and prank around, I tried this for a while but I must say I really struggled to see the funny side while being in a volatile and abusive r/s

She insisted I watch series and comedy shows with her when all I wanted to do was go to bed and sleep away the exhaustion of the r/s

She liked to escape from the world through the instant gratification of sex. Unfortunately, I again couldnt turn on instantly because of exhaustion, pressure and performance anxiety.

This made her madder than a bag of wild cats 

Thank God I'm free now

[H Hi]

I don't know how many cups of tea I made her just to break the tension and buy myself a few minutes of ceasefire 

It helped when I apologized for anything and everything too 

It didn't matter if it was my fault or not.

She told me to "get funnier", ie tell jokes and prank around, I tried this for a while but I must say I really struggled to see the funny side while being in a volatile and abusive r/s

She insisted I watch series and comedy shows with her when all I wanted to do was go to bed and sleep away the exhaustion of the r/s

She liked to escape from the world through the instant gratification of sex. Unfortunately, I again couldnt turn on instantly because of exhaustion, pressure and performance anxiety.

This made her madder than a bag of wild cats 

Thank God I'm free now

You have real guts saying this! I've wanted to post something g so similar. I had ED and PE  down to the exact same thing. At first it was making love and tender and passionate and then it became like a porn film. No kissing, no touch. Just straight for one thing. I also got the silent treatment before and after sex. I asked how she could be intimate with me if she was unhappy/ upset with me. She said that she could separate the physical and emotional and could feel two different emotions at once. That's when I called it a day and walked away. That is seriously mixed up.

[Deeno02]

I don't know how many cups of tea I made her just to break the tension and buy myself a few minutes of ceasefire 

It helped when I apologized for anything and everything too 

It didn't matter if it was my fault or not.

She told me to "get funnier", ie tell jokes and prank around, I tried this for a while but I must say I really struggled to see the funny side while being in a volatile and abusive r/s

She insisted I watch series and comedy shows with her when all I wanted to do was go to bed and sleep away the exhaustion of the r/s

She liked to escape from the world through the instant gratification of sex. Unfortunately, I again couldnt turn on instantly because of exhaustion, pressure and performance anxiety.

This made her madder than a bag of wild cats 

Thank God I'm free now

You have real guts saying this! I've wanted to post something g so similar. I had ED and PE  down to the exact same thing. At first it was making love and tender and passionate and then it became like a porn film. No kissing, no touch. Just straight for one thing. I also got the silent treatment before and after sex. I asked how she could be intimate with me if she was unhappy/ upset with me. She said that she could separate the physical and emotional and could feel two different emotions at once. That's when I called it a day and walked away. That is seriously mixed up.

Same here. Sex was so rushed 90% of the time due to 5 kids running around all over, most of that spent trying to do it in the bathroom. The only tender times were when the kids were gone, which was about twice a month. God, I haven't been intimate with anyone in 4 months, and I don't miss it, not in the way we were intimate at least.

[evilpepsi]

I don't know how many cups of tea I made her just to break the tension and buy myself a few minutes of ceasefire 

It helped when I apologized for anything and everything too 

It didn't matter if it was my fault or not.

She told me to "get funnier", ie tell jokes and prank around, I tried this for a while but I must say I really struggled to see the funny side while being in a volatile and abusive r/s

She insisted I watch series and comedy shows with her when all I wanted to do was go to bed and sleep away the exhaustion of the r/s

She liked to escape from the world through the instant gratification of sex. Unfortunately, I again couldnt turn on instantly because of exhaustion, pressure and performance anxiety.

This made her madder than a bag of wild cats 

Thank God I'm free now

You have real guts saying this! I've wanted to post something g so similar. I had ED and PE  down to the exact same thing. At first it was making love and tender and passionate and then it became like a porn film. No kissing, no touch. Just straight for one thing. I also got the silent treatment before and after sex. I asked how she could be intimate with me if she was unhappy/ upset with me. She said that she could separate the physical and emotional and could feel two different emotions at once. That's when I called it a day and walked away. That is seriously mixed up.

Same here. Sex was so rushed 90% of the time due to 5 kids running around all over, most of that spent trying to do it in the bathroom. The only tender times were when the kids were gone, which was about twice a month. God, I haven't been intimate with anyone in 4 months, and I don't miss it, not in the way we were intimate at least.

After reading a lot of these posts I'm starting to think that maybe I had it easy. She loved the slow, soft, romantic stuff. She wanted the full on seduction. She would never call it ×\=%ing, It was ALWAYS making love. The very first time that I was ever soft and slow like that she freaked out on me because she had never had that before. She wouldn't settle for anything else from that point on unless it started out that way. Weird... .

[Pingo]

After reading a lot of these posts I'm starting to think that maybe I had it easy. She loved the slow, soft, romantic stuff. She wanted the full on seduction. She would never call it ×\=%ing, It was ALWAYS making love. The very first time that I was ever soft and slow like that she freaked out on me because she had never had that before. She wouldn't settle for anything else from that point on unless it started out that way. Weird... .

Same with mine but he was the guy.  Had to call it making love, didn't like the other term, wanted it to go on for hours... .frankly he wore me out!  So much pressure!  I don't have an E to get a D (being the woman) but I can relate to being too exhausted for things to operate properly.  I spent all my energy trying to placate him and by the time we went to bed, I just wanted to go to sleep!  Resentment built up and I no longer was enjoying sex like I had in the beginning.  It became yet another chore in which I could never do enough to satisfy him. 

God, I haven't been intimate with anyone in 4 months, and I don't miss it, not in the way we were intimate at least.

Been 6 mths for me Deeno and I don't miss what we had either.

[Trog]

Nothing I could do would cheer her up. I remember trying thou, and getting slapped down fir the troubles. She seemed to love going on and on about her exes so when she was in a foul mood I'd start conversations about things I hated to talk about... .(!) so she could be happy. But there really was no pulling her out of foul moods, I wish I did know a way! Best thing I could do would be leave,

[evilpepsi]

After reading a lot of these posts I'm starting to think that maybe I had it easy. She loved the slow, soft, romantic stuff. She wanted the full on seduction. She would never call it ×\=%ing, It was ALWAYS making love. The very first time that I was ever soft and slow like that she freaked out on me because she had never had that before. She wouldn't settle for anything else from that point on unless it started out that way. Weird... .

Same with mine but he was the guy.  Had to call it making love, didn't like the other term, wanted it to go on for hours... .frankly he wore me out!  So much pressure!  I don't have an E to get a D (being the woman) but I can relate to being too exhausted for things to operate properly.  I spent all my energy trying to placate him and by the time we went to bed, I just wanted to go to sleep!  Resentment built up and I no longer was enjoying sex like I had in the beginning.  It became yet another chore in which I could never do enough to satisfy him. 

God, I haven't been intimate with anyone in 4 months, and I don't miss it, not in the way we were intimate at least.

Been 6 mths for me Deeno and I don't miss what we had either.

I always lived by the motto that if one horse bucks you off to just jump right onto another, but this time, I'm saddle sore as fug and I'm just going to do this one on my own... .

[Elpis]

Mine unfortunately decided he wasn't interested in me anymore about 4 years ago--well, sexually anyway, unless I wanted to do everything for him. He was still plenty interested in me cooking/cleaning/waiting on him... .