Shes moving away ... Need advice

[bengain]

-So she (EXuBPD) is moving an hour away with the kids. (d14 s7 s3) to live with someone she met online around 3 months ago. Her moving doesn't bother me as much as shes taking the kids along for the ride. I told her it seemed like a bad idea to make the kids changes school in the beginning of the year, but of course she says its a great idea.

-She was hospitalized for 7-10 days in June of this year for suicide / depression and has begun taking meds, which she understands she will be on the rest of her life.

-Shes had 3 boyfriends since we broke up 9 months ago, and has told me she was getting married with each new boyfriend. Not bad mouthing her dating habits, but shes introducing these temporary guys to our kids, which again, seems like a bad idea.

-Im not even sure I can do anything really... but Im worried. I feel like shes continuing to make bad decisions solely based on her happiness... .or lack of. (The grass is always greener... )

We went to court for primary placement and agreed to visitation schedule ( alternate sat-fri and fri-sat weekends and every Wednesday.) Im guessing when she moves shell make my visitations more difficult and shes mentioned going back to court to revise the visitation plans.

-I called my attorney from our first time in court, but again, not sure if theres anything i can do but express my concern. Any advice is appreciated.

I was kinda hoping all this had settled down, at least for a bit.

[enlighten me]

Hi bengain

my ex moved three hours away with my sons so I can understand your concerns.

Firstly which country do you live in as the laws are different. Im in the UK  and managed to get an order preventing her moving. I couldnt keep the order up though. Mine was due to her mental health. Once the medical reports were released and she fooled a psycologist into believing her depression was purely down to me the order was dropped.

I based my case on what she had told me which turnef out to be a pack of lies.

if you have evidence of her mental health issues then you could put together a case to prevent her taking the kids away.

Wushing you luck.

[ForeverDad]

You can't keep her local, she's an adult, she is allowed to do what she wishes.  The key difference is that she doesn't automatically make the parenting decisions, not if the matter is in the court's hands.  (And even if she has temporary custody, then moving and wanting to take the kids is definitely something the court should review and approve or deny.)  Is there a court case pending - divorce or at least regarding custody and parenting?  If so then you can ask the court to keep the kids local, at least until the court decides.  Often courts profess not to know or be able to determine the parents' mental states, they generally call in professionals for a psych eval or a detailed custody evaluation.  That can take time but if then professional is good, experienced and not easily conned then it will be well worth it.

Are you as involved with parenting as possible?  If the courts see you as just a sometimes-there dad and someone who pays the bills then the officials won't bother to try much.  But if you're as involved as you can be, state you want to be involved in the parenting and are able to get her multiple relationships (indicates her stability) and the medical records included (such as dates she was admitted to hospital treatment, etc) then you may accomplish more than you think!

[livednlearned]

Depending on where you live, there can be a lot that you do. Where I live, court does not want the status quo for the kids to change, including moving them to different schools.

Did your ex try to isolate you while you were married? It sounds like she is trying to do something similar with the kids now that you are split black.

You could actually get a better custody schedule out of this if you have a good strategy, especially given how serious her BPD is (ie. hospitalization). You can also ask to have a new order that says she cannot have new partners stay the night until a year of dating or whatever seems reasonable.

In my state, if I want to move, I have to file a motion and meet court criteria -- are the schools good in the new place, will the custody/visitation order need to be changed, is there family in the new location, new job, better pay, safer neighborhood, relationship with the other parent, etc.

If you do decide to stop her from moving (wise idea, because you're right -- the kids will suffer and so will visitation for you) be sure to have watertight language so that if/when she does not comply, you have consequences spelled out and already in place. That way, if you have to go back to court, the judge will see that the parties have already agreed to what will happen if someone does not comply. It'll save you money and the anxiety of worrying what the judge will do, but it won't make her comply, unfortunately.

[enlighten me]

As I said in my post I came unstuck using information my ex wife had told me. She said she was diagnosed with ME and bi polar. She wasnt. All im saying is make sure any medical infoemation you use is real and not one of their lies.

[david]

My court order has a section that does not allow either parent to move if it disrupts the current custody arraignment. It would have to be agreed by both parents or the court gets to decide. Taking the kids out of their school, away from their friends, etc would probably not be in their best interest. If ex had a job that required her to move or one that increased her pay considerably the courts would probably okay it. I'm not sure moving in with someone you met three months ago is a good enough reason. My ex is a nurse. She has brothers that live on the west coast and we live on the east. If she got a job out west as a nurse the courts would not let her go with the kids because she can get a job around here.

If you have been involved in their school, activities, etc then you have a good case to have the children live primarily with you. You need that stuff documented as best you can. My cell has all contact numbers for our boys: school, school nurse, docs, friends, etc. I am in regular contact with their teachers.

[ForeverDad]

Where I live, court does not want the status quo for the kids to change, including moving them to different schools.

You could actually get a better custody schedule out of this if you have a good strategy, especially given how serious her BPD is (ie. hospitalization). You can also ask to have a new order that says she cannot have new partners stay the night (if the children are present, court doesn't care about her adult behaviors when away from the children) until a year of dating or whatever seems reasonable.

In my state, if I want to move, I have to file a motion and meet court criteria -- are the schools good in the new place, will the custody/visitation order need to be changed, is there family in the new location, new job, better pay, safer neighborhood, relationship with the other parent, etc.  Doesn't mean the court will give it full scrutiny, but it is a way for you to reduce the risk of her just doing whatever she wants and getting away with it.

If you do decide to stop her from moving (she is welcome to move, just not with the kids) (wise idea, because you're right -- the kids will suffer and so will visitation for you) be sure to have watertight language so that if/when she does not comply, you have consequences spelled out and already in place. That way, if you have to go back to court, the judge will see that the parties have already agreed to what will happen if someone does not comply. It'll save you money and the anxiety of worrying what the judge will do, but it won't make her comply, unfortunately.

The above with my edits and emphasis is all dependent upon you being proactive and having sound strategies.  You don't want to appear obstructive or uncooperative, you want to be the problem solver focusing on the best interests of the children.  While you will have to detail her behaviors and evident behavioral issues at the proper time, give focus to the children and what's best for them.

[bengain]

Thanks for the input. Talked to my lawyer yesterday... Among other things she said I was being nice about the whole thing. Anyway, Im going in during lunch together to sign an order she drafted up 'restricting' her from moving right now. Im not sure what will come of that but its got to be a step in right direction. She also mentioned a/the judge wouldnt think the move in best interest of the kids at this time. The kids have their own appointed lawyer which Im guessing would agree.

Regarding her adult behaviors, shes introduced 3 guys over the last 9 months to the kids... guys she thinks shes going to marry or at least to be engaged to. These guys are meeting and hanging out with the kids, then disappear after a couple months. My son has made comments about "always having to go somewhere to meet moms new boyfriend". So that cant be too healthy for them. I would be a lot more understanding to her situation if in fact she was moving with someone she really knew, with a new job and there was family near by. But all of her and my family are in this area and are supportive of the kids and are involved in their lives. She quit her job of 15 plus years, which is certainly her prerogative, but to me goes along with a string of bad decisions shes made in the last year.

Her mental health is well documented. I dont want to drag that aspect into court but Im afraid it might come down to that. Theres a strong history of mental illness in her family, and she would not be able to deny her or her family's past. Shes convinced shes doing right by the kids, but anybody else would see the damage shes doing by creating such an unstable environment for the kids.

[ForeverDad]

Anyway, I'm going in during lunch together to sign an order she drafted up 'restricting' her from moving right now.

What's wrong with letting her move away?  Rather than 'restricting' her... .just order that if she moves too far away at this time (out of the school's area, etc) then custody and Residential Parent status would be assigned to father.  Does the drafted order offer or state that option/alternative?

Does that make sense?  My view is that anything that improves your status as involved parent is a big plus for you.  She can move if she wishes, you are very cooperative about that, but the kids stay in the area, you are firm about that since it is in the kids' best interests.  It sounds better to me if you present yourself as agreeable and not restrictive of either her life or lifestyle as an adult - except where it impacts the children.  Of course, I'm not a lawyer and my cautious wording may not be necessary.

I would have avoided several years in and out of court if I had gotten custody in 2006 during my divorce process rather than when I did in 2011 after a few times back in court to get baby step improvements to the order.  And saved myself many $$$.

[david]

Your sons comments about all the "new" boyfriends would be good if a counselor/psychologist/etc heard that and testified. A judge may listen to him in chambers with both attys present too.

I would encourage my ex to move as far away as possible.