Sitting on the Fence

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey All-

First post on this board. I couple weeks ago I posted my first post on the Staying board:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=238125.msg12536358#msg12536358

Things haven't changed much in our situation, but as I have gotten space, therapy, talked a lot and soul searched, I have realized that the thought of her coming back terrifies me. I'm wounded. I pushed myself well past my limits, and now I'm tired and spent.

My dBPDw is currently staying with her Mom, but now is seeking her own place; and I see that as the surest sign that she's placing me and our marriage as secondary. I put down stipulations that she should seek a 6-month or less short-term lease or else she'll need to seek legal action.  But all this, Ii hurts. Oh God, it hurts. I'm depressed, and I'm practicing accepting the reality of our situation, and letting go. But oh God, it hurts.

Several people have counseled me that it's time to end to relationship and move on to a new one. To that end, I have setup profiles on several dating websites. I haven't done much yet, but it feels good. I have also had someone point out that part of the reason all of this is so hard is because being her caretaker and her fixer is part of my identity. And now that identity is being threatened - who am I? It's something I'm still processing.

I have also come to realize that part of validating myself is all this is wanting to be held in high-esteem by her family and not be the bad guy. I know if I begin to make moves away from the relationship, those fingers start to point at me, and that's something that has terrified me for a long time. Letting go, means letting those fingers point, and accepting the guilt that comes along with it; but also realizing that guilt is not mine to accept, but rather mine to wear as the family accepts who my wife has become.

But for now, I still on the fence, undecided. Gonna get through the holidays and see where the chips fall over the coming months.

[ninjaspankypants]

Hey All-

First post on this board. I couple weeks ago I posted my first post on the Staying board:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=238125.msg12536358#msg12536358

Things haven't changed much in our situation, but as I have gotten space, therapy, talked a lot and soul searched, I have realized that the thought of her coming back terrifies me. I'm wounded. I pushed myself well past my limits, and now I'm tired and spent.

My dBPDw is currently staying with her Mom, but now is seeking her own place; and I see that as the surest sign that she's placing me and our marriage as secondary. I put down stipulations that she should seek a 6-month or less short-term lease or else she'll need to seek legal action.  But all this, Ii hurts. Oh God, it hurts. I'm depressed, and I'm practicing accepting the reality of our situation, and letting go. But oh God, it hurts.

Several people have counseled me that it's time to end to relationship and move on to a new one. To that end, I have setup profiles on several dating websites. I haven't done much yet, but it feels good. I have also had someone point out that part of the reason all of this is so hard is because being her caretaker and her fixer is part of my identity. And now that identity is being threatened - who am I? It's something I'm still processing.

I have also come to realize that part of validating myself is all this is wanting to be held in high-esteem by her family and not be the bad guy. I know if I begin to make moves away from the relationship, those fingers start to point at me, and that's something that has terrified me for a long time. Letting go, means letting those fingers point, and accepting the guilt that comes along with it; but also realizing that guilt is not mine to accept, but rather mine to wear as the family accepts who my wife has become.

But for now, I still on the fence, undecided. Gonna get through the holidays and see where the chips fall over the coming months.

[maxen]

Several people have counseled me that it's time to end to relationship and move on to a new one. To that end, I have setup profiles on several dating websites.

hi ninja    i'm sorry things are moving in this direction, but we do have to take stock of our situations with our eyes open. you seem to be doing that.

first, have you read the Choosing a Path lessons on the right hand side of this board? they may really help clarify your thinking. second, it's one thing to end a r/s, and quite another thing to involve yourself in a new one. as you say, you're in great pain because of your marriage: that is, you're still emotionally invested in it, it seems. (full disclosure: i'm close to finishing a divorce.) you've posted in Undecided. how does investigating new r/ss fit into your examination from your marriage?

[ninjaspankypants]

Several people have counseled me that it's time to end to relationship and move on to a new one. To that end, I have setup profiles on several dating websites.

hi ninja    i'm sorry things are moving in this direction, but we do have to take stock of our situations with our eyes open. you seem to be doing that.

first, have you read the Choosing a Path lessons on the right hand side of this board? they may really help clarify your thinking. second, it's one thing to end a r/s, and quite another thing to involve yourself in a new one. as you say, you're in great pain because of your marriage: that is, you're still emotionally invested in it, it seems. (full disclosure: i'm close to finishing a divorce.) you've posted in Undecided. how does investigating new r/ss fit into your examination from your marriage?

Hey maxen, thanks for the reply. I have not read the Choosing the Path lessons yet, but will spend some time with them. I have come to this board, because, like you said, I'm taking stock with my eyes open, and realizing that the r/s in its current form is unmaintainable, and indeed, the marriage is not meeting my needs, nor may ever meet my needs.

I'm thinking about other r/s, because others have suggested it to me. I also believe that another r/s will help me move on and keep from getting sucked back into the cycle. I agree that the conventional wisdom is to wait until you have healed; but for me, and who I am (Golden Retriever!), it may be part of my healing process.

You point about being still emotionally invested in my marriage rings true. But slowly, I can feel the investment fading. Even on our good days, I feel... .empty. But I do have moments when I want the marriage to go on, and I believe things can get better; but I also have moments when letting go is the thing that makes sense.

I saw a lawyer a few weeks ago, and for my state (in US), you must be separated 6 months before divorcing. We're still a ways to go until the 6 month mark. That, for me, means sitting on the fence and waiting for the back and forth moments I have to make sense, for things to settle, and for the path forward to reveal itself.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ninjas, Are you hoping to reconcile w/your W, or hoping to part ways w/her?  I can't tell, which I guess is why you describe yourself as "on the fence."  I am unclear why you care whether her family points their fingers at you.  How can you prevent this, in any event?  Perhaps you could just sit with your feelings and try to figure out what is the right path for you.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[ninjaspankypants]

Hey ninjas, Are you hoping to reconcile w/your W, or hoping to part ways w/her?  I can't tell, which I guess is why you describe yourself as "on the fence."  I am unclear why you care whether her family points their fingers at you.  How can you prevent this, in any event?  Perhaps you could just sit with your feelings and try to figure out what is the right path for you.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

Thanks for the reply, LuckyJim.

This thread is very much the epitome of my own internal confusion. I'm still of two minds: one, wanting to stay; another, wanting to leave.

The family pointing fingers at me is something I've been processing recently. I have always seen myself as caretaker, and a sick part of me always wants to be right - to be the hero that's never wrong. Part of my issues in the relationship revolve around me avoiding conflict and attempting to validate myself by doing the "right and loving" thing. Unfortunately, what I thought was right ended up hurting the relationship.

Another part of the family pointing fingers at me thing is me thinking about what would happen in the advent of a divorce. If I go for a divorce, I'd have to don a black hat and be the bad guy for my dBPDw's family. Along with that comes feelings of guilt and shame - as if I have wronged everyone by ending the relationship. - even if those feelings aren't those I should accept responsibility for, nor can I possibly prevent the feelings or the family's response.

My current gameplan is to sit tight for the next couple months and see where the chips fall. But when reading the Choosing a Path guide last night, it struck me when it mentioned that NOT choosing is also a choice; and that's what I'm afraid of now - letting it all keep sliding by, letting the cycle continue. That can't happen anymore. For now, I'm laying down limits and getting space. But what comes next? I'm trusting it'll make sense in time.

[Lucky Jim]

NOT choosing is also a choice; and that's what I'm afraid of now

Right, adopting a "wait and see" attitude is nevertheless a choice.  You describe yourself as "of two minds."  What is it that you really want to see happen?  Do you want to stay or go?  Try listening to your gut feelings.  If you can't make up your mind, it seems likely that someone else, such as your W, is going to make up hers in the meantime.  LuckyJim

[maxen]

But what comes next? I'm trusting it'll make sense in time.

it may make a kind of sense, but if your wife does have BPD then you're dealing with a disorder. you have to be ready to come to the conclusion "this is making no sense." i now understand what happened in my marriage and why it exploded, but it makes no sense, so to speak. it's hard to absorb that, but i have to learn to absorb it.

has your wife ever acknowledged her patterns of behavior?

[ninjaspankypants]

Right, adopting a "wait and see" attitude is nevertheless a choice.  You describe yourself as "of two minds."  What is it that you really want to see happen?  Do you want to stay or go?  Try listening to your gut feelings.  If you can't make up your mind, it seems likely that someone else, such as your W, is going to make up hers in the meantime.  LuckyJim

I know the marriage in its current form can't survive: she leaving me, she pursuing other relationships, she physically attacking me (sometimes in front of the kids), she being unwilling to take more responsibility for the kids. My gut tells me that it's time to move on. I was reading the Surviving a Break-Up article last night in the Suggested Readings thread, and it resonated with me very much, especially these two lines:

"You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth."

"You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival. If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible."

it may make a kind of sense, but if your wife does have BPD then you're dealing with a disorder. you have to be ready to come to the conclusion "this is making no sense." i now understand what happened in my marriage and why it exploded, but it makes no sense, so to speak. it's hard to absorb that, but i have to learn to absorb it.

has your wife ever acknowledged her patterns of behavior?

Isn't that the truth! Through research, I have come to understand her inner turmoil and why she responds to it like she does.

She has and has not acknowledged her behavior. She admits to having BPD, has just started DBT, and knows that her responses aren't normal. She does apologize for her outbursts sometimes; but other times, she does not.