Wearing down

[Kabooma]

It's been a while since I've visited, but quick summary- my wife is udBPD, we've been married 13 years, and while I didn't know it was BPD until just about a year or two ago, I always knew it was something.

And every single year, it got worse.

Until about 4 years ago, when she threatened suicide, I called the police and after they interviewed her, they committed her for 72 hours.  I understand that with such limited time, they made a bad call- and diagnosed her with depression, but at least we had a platform to start on, and who knows- she probably does suffer from depression to some degree.

But as I said, it was about 2 years ago, after lengthy discussions about her behaviors on TAM forums, and ultimately them referring me to bpdfamily that I fully understood what her affliction really is.  It explained why the depression meds didn't seem to help as well.

So, after a bitter fight a couple years ago, I almost told her she was BPD, but bit my lip at the last moment, realizing that she could never accept it, and told her (angrily) to get her meds checked.  And something clicked, because she did... and her new psy prescribed a new mix, which while still treating the wrong problem IMO, the combination is very well suited towards smoothing out the peaks and valleys.  Not perfect by any stretch though.

I've bought and read two books recommended- splitting, and one other whose name escapes me, but it was about SET, and all the other ways to deal with a BPD loved one.  I was considering divorce at the time and wanted to be prepared for both possibilities.

So we've really had the best two years these last two, but as you can guess, the holiday season is starting to wreak havoc... she gets so anxious about everything, but it always comes out as anger and making mountains out of molehills.  She will get completely bent about the most insignificant detail, and let it ruin her day, or even days sometimes.  She can't let things go, and she can't admit to any wrongdoing on her part.  So it's always putting everything (mostly the blame) onto me.  She's so far into oz that even the meds at times seem to have zero effect when she splits.

So, we barely made it through thanksgiving, and it left me drained, and profusely apologizing to my family, who all at this point beg me to divorce her.  They deal with her (as I've asked them to) gently- but only out of their love for me.  I don't blame them for not wanting to be around her, but that also includes me at times.

Now we're approaching xmas, and we were having a nice relaxed day, but I made a mistake.  I said two things that while were not contradictory, she made a broad assumption and let it ride.  Instead of asking me to clarify, or to question why I was doing one thing when she assumed I was doing something else... she just let it ride... and stewed on it.  An hour later, stewing turned into full rage- and I was blindsided by her anger, because I never realized she made such a poor assumption... .Long story short, we fought, and of course I made the mistake, so it's double blame for me... she's not talking to me right now, and I'm just pissed at the world because I know exactly how this will all play out.  Christmas is now ruined.  She will be a total B to me and our child for days on end, and whose fault is that?  Mine.

These flair-up's are most common on holidays or any special day, and every time, my fuse just grows shorter.  I question how much more I can take.  I'm so tired of every day- start to finish, having to control the environment (her world) to exact specifications to keep the BPD at bay, then come the "bad days" where it all goes to hell.

She will eventually cool down, days, or even weeks later, and apologize.  But until then, I'm trapped in hell.  So is our child, who doesn't understand at all.  I'm very worried about divorce though- in my state, the official statistic is that women get the kids 95% of the time, and there's way too many cases where abusive women still get the kids when the husband is clearly the better choice.  It would ruin my childs life if I wasn't there to temper (or take her away from) the outbursts.  She hasn't been abusive except once (and it was very minor), but I made it clear to her that I would leave with our kid if she ever did it again.

So there, I got it all out, and I know it's a jumbled mess, but I'm just frustrated right now.  It's been a while since I needed to come and let it all out... but I'm not sure how much I can take it anymore- even though we've had the best two years, I'm worn down.

(edit) SOmething to add to this- I can feel it coming in advance, sometimes days before... I can tell she's just looking for a reason to paint me black... it's like tremors before a volcano goes off... you just never know exactly when, but you know it's going to happen, and I walk on eggshells the whole time, being especially careful not to trigger it, but at some point, I will always eventually make that tragic mistake, like today, where something with no ill intention, simply not wording my sentences perfectly, triggered it.  That's that part that frustrates me the most.

[Wrongturn1]

Kabooma (I like your forum name - that's awesome),

Similar situation here... .holidays are normally a bad time around my house as well.  I'm hoping to find a convenient opportunity this Christmas season to make the point to my kids that most moms don't binge drink and cry while they decorate the Christmas tree... .

I know what you mean about feeling the tremors before the main eruption; they certainly can be felt.  I may not always put this into practice very well, but the thing we nons can do to set ourselves free is refusing to walk on eggshells when those pre-eruption tremors set in, and stop trying to control the world to avoid triggering our BPDs at other times as well.  They are mentally ill and will become dysregulated, regardless of what we do.  So the answer is to stop worrying about what they're feeling and stop trying to control situations to avoid blowups.  Easier said than done for most of us, or we wouldn't be in this situation to begin with.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Kabooma, Why are you beating yourself up?  Who says you made a mistake?  Why is it all your fault?  You seem to be judging yourself harshly.  I would suggest that you, of all people, should be more kind to yourself.  You didn't cause BPD in your W, and you can't cure it, my friend.  Try to focus on the things you can control, which is to say, yourself.  Perhaps Christmas isn't ruined after all, if you view it from a different perspective.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[Kabooma]

Thanks for the comments guys.  The only reason I was beating myself up was because yes, I do try to control the environment to avoid blowups.  I've been doing it so long I might as well have a PhD in conflict avoidance.  In this case, I made an error, and was upset that I should have known better during these "eggshell" times.  The blowouts are unavoidable, I know that, but through controlling what I can, I've managed to reduce them to a minimum.  It used to be a constant, and I couldn't live like that.

What I meant by wearing down is simply that while the rate of occurrence of these blow-ups is much much lower than in the past, I've found that I really have lost my patience and tolerance, so when things do go downhill, I'm finding myself tumbling down the hill with her- What used to be fear, compassion, understanding, and patience on my end is now loathing, frustration, and bitterness.  Don't get me wrong... when she's regulated, everything is dandy, but when she starts on that path, or starting painting me black, I instantly seethe anymore.  I fear I'm coming to the end of my rope with her, regardless that she's greatly improved.

I actually don't beat myself up in the manner you think.  More often these days, I self-evaluate and come to disturbing conclusions, such as: "why do I put up with this.  I don't deserve this.  I can't stay anymore".  Somehow I still do (and why I do is a whole other topic).  I know I can't leave, which makes me frustrate even more.  I've always felt so trapped, and it's all turning to anger and bitterness.  My child is the only thing that keeps me level and focused.  I don't do anything for me, I do it for my kid.

[kerin]

I agree, you didn't make a mistake Kabooma. All you did was relax momentarily and say something that was not 200% precise and clear. That's normal isn't it? that's what we all do many times a day, and your wife just chose that as her justification. She would have found a reason to do it no matter what you said or did.

I also agree about refusing to walk on eggshells. I've been there more times than I can remember, so afraid of the outburst I can feel coming that I barely breathe or speak for fear of it.

I've come to realise though, that storm is coming no matter what so I might as well breathe, and crunch all those eggshells. I feel more in control and happier in myself now, and the outbursts and acting out from him happens no worse than if I had trapped myself in my own prison of fear. In fact sometimes it surprises him so much that the outburst I expect fails to materialise, as though it has shocked him out of his cycle for a while.

Maybe during the holidays, you can try to detach from your fear of what she is and isn't going to do, and what she does, and instead focus as much attention as you can on your child? If you can be civil and bland to her, and focussed on your child, you might enjoy it more than you fear.

I've also been in that place you mention of loathing and anger, it's hard not to feel that way and get dragged into the chaos, I still get dragged in sometimes. You're there for your kid though as you say, I hope that you and your child find some times of joy and happiness this Christmas and in the future. Best wishes to you and good luck