Not sure what to do with my BPDw

[Silveron]

Been married 10 years, it all started during our first year of marriage.  It started when she moved in, her attitude changed, she was emotionally and verbally abusive.  Everything was my fault, things that even happened before I met her.  I was the source of all of her unhappiness.  As the years went on she was physically abusive and threatened my life twice.  Four years into the marriage we had a daughter, very bad delivery, my wife lost 80% of her blood and they didn't expect her to survive.  She did and so the first three months I was caring for her and my daughter.  For the first few months things were good until one night she got upset because our daughter wouldn't go to sleep, so I took her and rocked her she fell asleep immediately.  It happened quite often, almost like our daughter could sense the negative energy in my wife.  She got verbal with me and was telling me how awful of a father I was, etc...

Anyway, a few steps back when we found out she was pregnant I was thinking of leaving her (against all my upbringing) only because of the abuse I endured and I didn't want our child to see this.  I decided to stay and sure enough what I feared to happen is happening.

Our daughter is 6 years old now and I see my poor little girl having to experience this abuse of her mother towards her father most nights.  My wife has a problem (she is a caseworker) of getting close to her male co-workers and clients.  Giving out her phone number and texting constantly.  This has happened with numerous men.  The current one is a 60 year old married man (she is 37) and works with her.  I noticed about 20-30 texts almost daily between the two from the online logs.  This has been going on for a few months.  Checking out the texts most are sending funny things back and forth, however I noticed the other day him texting her 'Good morning sweetie' and 'Hope you aren't busy today, I don't want to be bored'.  He also asked her out for drinks to which her reply was that he was just joking around.  She turns this around on me telling me I shouldn't be looking at the logs, which to me is total BS.

We had a blowout fight over this Tues. night, she went out with a friend who I trust.  He told her the same thing I told her, yet by Thursday she texted him first.  Last year she received roses at her work (from who, I still do not know) and only found out by seeing a picture of them on her phone.  If I were to text or call during the day she usually doesn't respond, and would ever hardly ever text me first.  At home she is verbally abusive, there have been times I had to take my daughter to another floor or call my wife's mom because she would get into a rage.  I don't believe she would cause physical harm to our child but in these rages I know she could do it to me.

Before her last rage (due to this texting issue), she told me 'You are making me feel bad about myself, you are judging me' and then that's when things started.

In regards to our daughter I see her treating her in a more negative way.  She will buy my daughter anything she wants and gives her attention when she gets home, but within' an hour my wife is on her phone (she is addicted to fb, youtube, etc... ).  If my daughter acts out trying to get her attention my wife becomes verbal with her, such as last night calling her a 'jerk'.  This got me very upset and stood nose-to-nose with my wife and told her that this will never happen again, no matter how bad our daughter is acting up.  I see the reason why my daughter is acting up, because she is trying to compete with my wife's phone.

I've had talks privately with my daughter in how mom doesn't know how to react to certain situations and that it's not her fault mom gets this way.  On Tuesday when we had the argument, I took my daughter upstairs, my wife took off for hours, didn't tell us where she was going... Didn't return until after 11pm, she went out to a couple of different bars.  My daughter was distressed and my wife didn't even call her back after my daughter left her a voicemail.

A year ago we went to a psychologist, she wanted to see my wife privately, at first my wife was upset because she felt that all the issues were with me.  She went a few times and then quit.  I called the psychologist and she told me my wife needed years of therapy, weekly.  That she is very unstable.  We went there mainly because she was telling me she was suicidal and I found on her internet search history about committing suicide.  When I try to suggest for her to go back, her response is 'I am fine, if there was something wrong with me she could have fixed it by now'.  She refuses to take any responsibility and when she doesn't do any chores or pay her bills, she blames me saying that 'I unmotivated her'.

I see her self-destructing, I've had told her mom and although she is supportive part of the issue was with her and her family.

My wife's history when she was a child: Her parents divorced at 14, her dad was never there, emotionally and verbally abusive towards her, her brother and mother.  When he would do things with her, it ended up her going to his friend's house while she sat in the car for hours.  After the divorce, her dad met another woman who had a son (28) while she was (15).  She lived with her mother and although she considered him a step-brother one day while her mom was at work he broke in a raped her.  This became a repeated thing.  She was terrified to tell anyone.  Few years later she had a baby, which died during birth.  When I met her, her mom was remarried, however her 'step-father' was trying to sexually come onto her.  He was eventually arrested for molesting a 17 year old.  My wife told her mom everything about her past and at that time her mom defended her husband, even towards her daughter!

Her mom eventually divorced him and since then nothing much has been said.  So, my wife has been through a very traumatic childhood and seems to be stuck at that emotional age of a teenager.  This is what it feels like at least.  Her dad recently had a stroke and it doesn't look good.  He's only there when he wants something and she continues to try to reach out to him.  However I know when he passes, my wife will go completely insane.

I don't know what to do at this point, I know if I leave the courts will side with her as they usually do with women.  When she has become physical with me and I threaten to call the police, her response is that she would hurt herself and blame it on me.  Thing is, they would probably believe her as well.

I am currently in the process of changing my will and leaving the majority into a trust for my daughter.  I know my wife would spend it all way.  I've had to give her thousands and thousands to cover her financial mess and had to hide all my checks and wallet, even though I pay all the bills.  It's hard to keep a special bond with someone who just seems to be out to destroy everything they should love.  Any advice?

[maxen]

hi Silveron. i'm really sorry about your and your daughter's horrible situation. i myself experienced the financial irresponsibility and the other-blaming. i know how frustrating these things can be. if your wife does have BPD, then that psychiatrist was right.

i'd make two initial suggestions. first, have you read through the Choosing a Path lessons on the right of this page? they can help to clarify your thinking about how to proceed. second, there is no doubt that the courts have historically had a prejudice to situate children with mothers. however, police forces seem, on average, to be wising up. please go over to Family law, divorce and custody and discuss there specific scenarios you have in mind. those posters are very experienced and you'll get top advice.

[Silveron]

I read what you suggested and though to me it sounds good, I know each situation is different.  For example last night, my daughter has bowel issues (probably do to the anxiety she is experiencing) she's 6 years old.  I had her go potty, she was tired because of school and a xmas function I attended with her (my wife didn't want to go).  I got her on the potty but she wanted to play with her bracelet making project that she got at the xmas party.  My wife didn't want to do this with her because apparently her phone is more important.  So, I went and started doing this with her and my wife just started making fun of me and putting me down.

My daughter was getting upset and telling her to 'stop', which just got my wife more upset and continued with her verbal abuse.  In this type of situation do I just ignore her and try to continue to do the project with my daughter?  If I do this, to me this shows my daughter that it's ok for my wife to do this to us.  All I told my wife was to stop the abuse and that I am not talking to her anymore this evening.  She continued for awhile and then quit but it's a nightly occurrence.

A few hours later I had a talk with my wife saying that I hope she comes with me and our daughter to xmas eve mass, her reply was 'I don't know, if I want to'.  This infuriates me, to have this sort of attitude towards our daughter.  I feel like I have to cater to my wife non stop and everything is a struggle.  I just can't do this anymore and I know if my wife gets custody of her, that our daughter will be truly messed up for life.

Even if I remember and follow each step of the 'process' that is outlined that won't solve my wife's mental issues.  She will continue to self-destruct and destroy around her.  It just seems like we have to void ourselves and our children of attention and love from the BPD just to 'stay in a relationship'.  I have a choice, my daughter doesn't.  I know the marriage is becoming pointless in that my wife won't even go back for counseling.  Why should she when she believe everything is my fault?  How do you keep a bond with someone who abuses you so bad?

Two nights ago while our daughter was sitting between us, my wife went into a rage and reached over to flick a lighter on in my face.  Verbal abuse, threats of physical abuse is just becoming too much.  I know just writing a journal about it won't help in court, do I start to video it?  I'm sure that'll even put her even into more of a rage.

[ninjaspankypants]

Hey Silveron-

What you're going through sounds really rough. My kids are 2 and 3, so I can only imagine what it's like going through what you're going through.

I echo maxen's advice, and it also sounds like to me that you're struggling to understand BPD and why your wife does what she does. I recently read Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Manning, and it has helped me immensely in understanding the disorder and why my dBPDw does what she does.

Best.

[maxen]

you're right about the modeling, it's wrong to see one parent abuse another. your daughter seems to be onto it herself already. smart child!

Even if I remember and follow each step of the 'process' that is outlined that won't solve my wife's mental issues.  

it won't, but those lessons are not designed to do that. they're designed to help you clarify what you want to do. you can't change your wife's psychological composition, she alone must choose to modify her behaviors, and it sounds as though she has no intention of doing that.

I just can't do this anymore and I know if my wife gets custody of her, that our daughter will be truly messed up for life.

then you must take legal advice now. since i had no custody issues i can't speak knowledgeably to that. her mother will get some custody of your daughter. how much, you don't know, and conceding defeat before you start won;t result in a best outcome. the long-timers on the Legal board know all this, so again please have a read of the threads and post there. they're experienced, dedicated posters.