Need help

[Hostage1234]

Me and my BPD ex split a year and a half ago we have a four year old son.i just found out she has moved my son in with her after 5months of knowing him and also makes my son call him dad.i noticed my son never wants to go home to her house anymore and also cries everytime I drop him off at school.also found out when I dropped him off at school the teacher was told I was not in his life even know I have him50/percent of the time

[Hostage1234]

Also to my ex told me,she had BPD when we were togeiter but now that we are split up denies ever having it

[Turkish]

She doing that is a form of alienation. No wonder your son's distressed, poor little guy!.

What did you tell the teacher specifically? I'm not into triangulating a 3rd party, but telling the truth is necessary. My Ex made a point to be the one to pick up S4 from his pre-K class most of the time (I work farther out), so she sees the teachers more. I've made a point to volunteer extra days in the class (ex was so oblivious that she didn't even see that I had already done a day, and I did this past Friday also before they went on Christmas break). Build a r/s with his teacher. Think of it as not alienating the, nor triangulating either. The teacher referred to my Ex as "your wife" the other day. I snapped my jaw shut on what I wanted to say.

Your case, however, is more blatant alienation. I would think, however, that the teacher probably doesn't want to get involved insofar as it isn't something affecting her student. There is nothing wrong with a short explanation of the truth: "we're divorced, but we have joint custody. I have mini-Hostage1234 half of the time. Please be mindful to inform me of any issues you see with him, as I am his father, and my son means the world to me."

I'm sorry that your exW moved a boyfriend in to involve him in your son's life. Notice that I didn't say "Replacement Daddy." You are his only and forever Dad. Own that role...

My Ex introduced The Homewrecker to my kids probably the week she moved out. A few months later, it caused emotional problems with both kids. They didn't want to leave me (reinforcex by her months of neglect of them while she was going out, doing her thing, and contacting him even in our home while I sat by and watched this.). I took Friday off to volunter in his class, so I had a 4 day weekend with S4 and D2. She had me take the kids an extra night Thursday, and at the exchange, she waifishly asked the kids "call me" several times. Sunday night, kids are in bed. They never even mentioned her. They had a fun weekend with Dad, periodic tantrums and all.

Such things are extremely painful. She's the empty vessel. You're the whole man, even if wounded. Own that.

[ForeverDad]

My son behaved the same.  When we separated he was close to four years old.  At exchanges for the first few years he would come running to me and jump in my arms as happy as could be and then be crying to stay with me when being returned to her.  Ex of course would glare at me and question, "What did you do to him?"  Something so obvious  but she was blind to it, perhaps purposely, I just don't know.

However, as he got older he became 'accustomed' to the new normal, the exchanges, and became calmer.  But he still asked for more time with me at every opportunity.  Any time she had to do something and asked if I would take him, she wanted to come and I said yes.  Eventually, at around age 9 when I already had equal time and was seeking custody, she managed to convince him that equal time was 'fair'.  But with him being older, in more subtle ways he still sought more time with me.

Validation is important to children.  They may not know how to express the words.  They may not remember your validating assurances so repeat them periodically.  Don't put them in the middle or make them choose one parent over the other.  Yes, ex is surely doing that but do what you can to counteract that.

If you've read Richard Warshak's excellent book Divorce Poison, you will have read his introduction warning the reader not to take the silent high road trying to be noble.  Attacks against us as parents do need a firm response, or else we enable or invite even more attacks.

[livednlearned]

Good advice to read Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak.

Does your ex have a history of having many partners? It will be confusing for your son if "dad" is what you call guys who come in and out of his life. He needs to know that "dad" means something. I found it was really helpful to ask child psychologists what to do. Or even the school counselor, if there is one. When you focus on what is best for your kid and set your own feelings aside, people tend to care and will try to help. Ask them how to help your son handle this. Should he tell the new guy that he doesn't want to call him dad (could be extremely challenging for a child with a BPD mom)? Or should he be encouraged to come up with some other kind of "dad" name that he can use to get his mom to back down? Child psychologists have often had great solutions that I never thought of when I was wrestling with stuff like this. My ex started on this campaign about how my new BF was a pedophile... .it was always one thing or another