Recovery of Money from Ex-Girlfriend / Ex-Fiancee

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello - I am suffering a very bad BPD break-up with my fiance / girl friend. It is over 2 months now, but still very hard to let go completely. Getting much better, but still get angry on occasions. It was all lies and drama when she left made me really sick, depressed to the point that I am almost dysfunctional for more than 2 months now.

She came here to USA in June as student. I had not sponsored her, so declared to USCIS that she has funds to support her studies. However, I did pay for her tuition and insurance, travel expenses in the amount of 15K USD for her MBA (not including other expenses like staying and expenses I did for her kid). She has my cell phone and laptop. She has put a restraining order on me of "no contact" by any means. She is extremely bitter and spreading lies (like she moved out because I was forcing her to sleep with me or was threatening her son etc., complete and utter lies.) She came from India to join us as family, with her kid. So, people trust her blindly, believe she must be a victim, otherwise why would someone with kid, new to this country with no money, no experience, no car, no ability to drive will leave the monster (me) abruptly. The reality is known to me and her and kids . She was very much loved, cared, respected, supported - emotionally, financially, psychologically and so on. She always put happy face and I love yous and love notes, until she decided to leave (expect for last 3 weeks before she actually left, where behavior was still normal, when she was planning to leave without me knowing. This has impacted me and my son immensely, as we loved them and welcomed them with warm hearts and shared everything we had.

I spent all my savings and also applied for loan for her next semester tuition, but she left. That was when I asked her to bring money from India, which she had for next semester Tuition fees. Now I realize that she left because she started realizing that I was knowing her better or she always wanted to leave after she was in USA. In either case, I lost about 20 months of my life (we used to talk 4-5 hours every day over phone, Skype, Google with kids etc).

My question is, is it a good idea to file a small legal claim to ask her to pay for my money and other items in her possession? Not sure what the reaction will be? Should I worry about what her sympathizers, new well-wishers and friends she had made by telling lies and playing victim, women activists etc will think if I file this law suit? My worst fear is that she may file some weird claim of harassment, rape, child abuse (which all can be proven wrong in court).

In any case, she came here as a student and we did not have any legal relationship. She came to stay with us as a student and stayed with us as "family friend".

I think it is important for me to recover the money, as I had given all I had only to be left without notice, spreading lies without any concern for me, my son, my family, her own son. Not sure if I should just let go the money or fight for it. I just feel that I should not let her advantage of me like this and feel the urge to fight back. But, knowing what she is capable of, I worry that it might trigger avalanche of other accusations, which could seriously hurt me, if facts are manipulated in court. Anyone had been in such situation? PLEASE REMEMBER, WE DID NOT HAVE A LEGAL RELATIONSHIP, so all transactions done by me for her college can be proved as a short term loan and she need to refund it. My inner voice is saying, let the money go, but somehow, I am struggling with this.

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE FOR READING AND YOUR SUGGESTIONS.

Regards,

Eagle1206

[eagle1206]

Hello - I am suffering a very bad BPD break-up with my fiance / girl friend. It is over 2 months now, but still very hard to let go completely. Getting much better, but still get angry on occasions. It was all lies and drama when she left made me really sick, depressed to the point that I am almost dysfunctional for more than 2 months now.

She came here to USA in June as student. I had not sponsored her, so declared to USCIS that she has funds to support her studies. However, I did pay for her tuition and insurance, travel expenses in the amount of 15K USD for her MBA (not including other expenses like staying and expenses I did for her kid). She has my cell phone and laptop. She has put a restraining order on me of "no contact" by any means. She is extremely bitter and spreading lies (like she moved out because I was forcing her to sleep with me or was threatening her son etc., complete and utter lies.) She came from India to join us as family, with her kid. So, people trust her blindly, believe she must be a victim, otherwise why would someone with kid, new to this country with no money, no experience, no car, no ability to drive will leave the monster (me) abruptly. The reality is known to me and her and kids . She was very much loved, cared, respected, supported - emotionally, financially, psychologically and so on. She always put happy face and I love yous and love notes, until she decided to leave (expect for last 3 weeks before she actually left, where behavior was still normal, when she was planning to leave without me knowing. This has impacted me and my son immensely, as we loved them and welcomed them with warm hearts and shared everything we had.

I spent all my savings and also applied for loan for her next semester tuition, but she left. That was when I asked her to bring money from India, which she had for next semester Tuition fees. Now I realize that she left because she started realizing that I was knowing her better or she always wanted to leave after she was in USA. In either case, I lost about 20 months of my life (we used to talk 4-5 hours every day over phone, Skype, Google with kids etc).

My question is, is it a good idea to file a small legal claim to ask her to pay for my money and other items in her possession? Not sure what the reaction will be? Should I worry about what her sympathizers, new well-wishers and friends she had made by telling lies and playing victim, women activists etc will think if I file this law suit? My worst fear is that she may file some weird claim of harassment, rape, child abuse (which all can be proven wrong in court).

In any case, she came here as a student and we did not have any legal relationship. She came to stay with us as a student and stayed with us as "family friend".

I think it is important for me to recover the money, as I had given all I had only to be left without notice, spreading lies without any concern for me, my son, my family, her own son. Not sure if I should just let go the money or fight for it. I just feel that I should not let her advantage of me like this and feel the urge to fight back. But, knowing what she is capable of, I worry that it might trigger avalanche of other accusations, which could seriously hurt me, if facts are manipulated in court. Anyone had been in such situation? PLEASE REMEMBER, WE DID NOT HAVE A LEGAL RELATIONSHIP, so all transactions done by me for her college can be proved as a short term loan and she need to refund it. My inner voice is saying, let the money go, but somehow, I am struggling with this.

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE FOR READING AND YOUR SUGGESTIONS.

Regards,

Eagle1206

[ogopogodude]

Dude, ... .chalk this one up to pure stupidity or insanity (choose one).  You got off "easy" in my opinion.  Things will likely not go well in court for you ... but who knows.  Judge Judy on TV would probably say the same thing (you gave it to her as a gift rather than a loan, ... .without anything written down on paper indicating a "loan", then you are out of luck).

It is my opinion (from what little you wrote in your story) that you are trying to still "hang on" to her and are using this financial rope to still be tethered to her.

Chalk it also up to having a wonderful "international" experience relationship (that ended), & then move on... .

There are always plenty more in the sea.

[ForeverDad]

This is a dilemma for sure.  What can be done practically without triggering or enabling retaliation?  I consider that the highest priority.

First, get local legal advice.  If you've got a restraining order against you, you need to defend yourself against it.  Is it still in the early stages and without a settlement or court decision?  If so, then you need to defend yourself from those false allegations.  Yes, it is hard to accomplish especially when you're a man trying to disprove unsubstantiated allegations.  Of primary importance is that you do not want an "admission of guilt" to the court nor a "finding of guilt" by the court, that could haunt you for years to come.

Also, if the court rules she is a victim of DV then my impression is she might even be able to use that to leverage herself into a permanent residency.  In other words, she's used you at least 2-3 times.  Once to get in, once to get support and again to play the victim card so maybe she can stay.

This is all very frustrating and you may be rightly indignant.  However, you have to be extremely careful to keep emotionally neutral about it.  If you are perceived as an angry man or a controller who wants her back, then the court could side with her.  You have to present yourself as a family man, a father, a stable provider... .and the target of a con, used and then thrown to the side to be used again.

The money becomes secondary.  Even if you manage the high hurdle of proof that it was a loan and not a gift and to get the courts to award you the money, how would you collect it?  Often the court won't help you do that.  For that reason, the odds of actually getting your money back are low.  Courts might even view it as a lovers relationship that went sour, you thought you were getting a lover and family and she thought she was getting an angle into your country and finances.  Actually, that would be a good outcome for you, it could reduce her claims of abuse to just a spat between a love relationship that soured and ended badly.

To continue that thought, try to make the case not about you angrily wanting your money but that you tried to make a family, shared your home, loaned her money for school and then she just left and after all those good things she unfairly painted you as the problem.  She's trying to portray herself as a victim, you need to show how you are a victim, used by a user, then maybe the court will call it a draw.  If you can't 'win' then try for a 'draw'.

Yes, it's not fair, the world isn't fair and what we have is a judicial system, not a justice system.  You likely won't get justice so try for next best and protect yourself from allegations as best you can.  Gift yourself Closure, you'll never get it from an acting-out disordered person.

Be glad you didn't have a child with her.  That would likely be two decades of never-ending conflict.

[livednlearned]

I don't know that it helps anyone to who comes to this site to have their actions referred to as "stupidity" or "insanity"... .these are complex relationships and shaming someone isn't helpful.

eagle1206, I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and it does sting to give so much and receive nothing in return. You wanted to provide her with advantages she could not otherwise attain, and instead of appreciation, she smeared your reputation and left without showing any gratitude. It's difficult to overcome that kind of betrayal. BPD is a serious mental disorder and it can leave some scorched hearts in its wake.

About following through with court... .

Some lawyers refer to people with BPD as "high conflict personalities" because they have a tendency to increase conflict instead of complying with court orders and trying to solve disputes in reasonable ways. If you take your ex to court, even if you were to win your case, chances are your ex would engage in stunning levels of conflict. She is also from another country and it might be likely that she leaves the country, and that would leave you with legal bills and no defendant to even follow through on things.

I had a well-documented custody case, an excellent judge, an excellent lawyer, and my ex was severely disordered, and it cost me over $100K to get full custody. The court process is very slow moving, and expensive. It could easily cost you $25K to try and get $15K, and that's only if the judge awards you that amount. The worst part is that even if you win, and your ex is ordered to pay you back, she won't. To get her to pay you per the court orders, you have to file a motion for contempt, which costs you even more money. In family court, at least where I live, motions for contempt stack up like parking tickets. If the person cannot pay, or refuses to pay, it's possible that they will be shipped to jail, but my guess is that a non-resident alien from another country who has no income and a young child will not be ordered to do anything.

You might be better off working with a therapist to understand the dynamics involved in giving so much to someone who gave you so little in return. Often, people who end up in BPD relationships have very soft or non-existent boundaries, and what might be a small problem for someone else with good boundaries because a disastrous problem for conflict-avoidant types. This is a good article to read, that can explain it better than I can: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=122547

[ogopogodude]

I stand corrected. Bad choice of words.



(these are words that I would utter to myself about my own actions)

[charred]

Chalk it off to experience and move on.

After a 30+ yr on/off destructive relationship with a pwBPD... .I have found that thinking "what could it hurt" or "it couldn't be worse" or "its not fair" anything like that, is always dead wrong. It can be worse, you have more to lose so long as you have anything whatsoever, and are alive. It is not fair, accepting that is hard but necessary.

If you watch court shows, you will see that the questions about money being owed between people in relationships, usually are dismissed quickly with a few questions about; Did you have a loan in writing, an agreement that you both signed? Were you living together? Were you in a relationship... .then something about their being give/take in a relationship and it doesn't always workout, lick your wounds and move on.

I would have argued till I was blue in the face that being dumped by my pwBPD over 30 yrs ago was the worst thing that could have happened... .and it was the best, but it took many years and horrible things happening to realize that if it didnt' work after all that pain, its not going to work.

[eagle1206]

Thank you all for replying. My gut tells me to let it go. I just don't know what will be the implications of doing anything legal anymore. Even if she misrepresented the facts to US Govt for entry in this country (as she did to me), and used and threw me when the purpose was served, I know she is capable of "winning hearts of the people and making 'best' friends quickly and making them believe her stories" and to get whatever she wants. Doing anything to more with her, let apart legal case will be utter stupidity on my part.

Well, to answer some questions, she filed a temporary restraint with all false accusations. The only thing I asking (pleading, almost begging) her was a proper closure for her and my kids sake. I had no idea about BPD then, and I had hope that eventually she will respond. I was not overboard with number of messages to her ( a few messages, a few calls, one visit to family where she was staying - I was very respectful and polite). It costed me restraining order. I hired a lawyer, who was able to get the case settled out of the court, however, the agreement he signed with her, reads in her favor to me. In spite of my strong objection to that,  Lawyer warned me that it is good for me to put it behind with dismissal, as she can cry and make drama and I may end-up in permanent injunction / restraining order, which could damage me professionally and personally for ever. I took his counsel, even though I wanted to go to court and fight, because she could not have proved anything. But as someone said, we have judicial system, not justice system and court may have decided in her favor. I just did not want to get that chance. Oh boy, what a mess. I am getting better guys. Still feed sad at times, still keep thinking a lot about all of it, but definitely getting better.

I really appreciate you guys taking time to respond and provide your insights.

Wish you happy holidays and happy new year.

Best Regards.

[livednlearned]

I'm curious about the visa situation. If she has no money for tuition and you aren't paying for her next semester, how is she able to stay? I thought student visa were only good if you were enrolled in school.

Also, the laptop and cell phone. Are you paying the bill for the phone?

I would want to make sure there are no actions that she could use against you, like racking up big phone bills then not paying, or claiming you were stalking her through the laptop/phone.

If you poke the bear, it will escalate things. You want to be sure you've thought through everything, otherwise weird accusations can start to fly.

[catnap]

I'm curious about the visa situation. If she has no money for tuition and you aren't paying for her next semester, how is she able to stay? I thought student visa were only good if you were enrolled in school.

Also, the laptop and cell phone. Are you paying the bill for the phone?

I would want to make sure there are no actions that she could use against you, like racking up big phone bills then not paying, or claiming you were stalking her through the laptop/phone.

If you poke the bear, it will escalate things. You want to be sure you've thought through everything, otherwise weird accusations can start to fly.

If she is on your cell phone plan I would cancel her service.