Regret?

[merlin4926]

Do they ever regret losing you (or pushing you away) and losing you for good?

[Deeno02]

I honestly dont know. Seems like I never existed to her, so Its hard for me to answer that question.

[mrshambles]

I would normally reply no. But after last night, I don't know. Honestly? They are puzzles to themselves. That's my take on it.

[mrshambles]

Let me put it this way. If they feel it, yes they will. If they don't. No they won't. The trick is... .When will they? Or will they? Have you ever read 1984? In that book, big brother constantly changes history books to match the current wars/issues that are going on in the present. If a new alliance is made, they change history so that the current enemy/former ally was ALWAYS the enemy. If they flip flop, they rewrite history again and burn the old pages. BPD's do the same thing.

[Alberto]

I know why you ask, and if he/she had an stable relationship with you is because he/she saw something special in you, they simply are not made to sustain long term relationships.

Stop thinking about that and concentrate on recovering your true self so you are atractive to sane people.

[cehlers55]

That's true. They re-write history. My exBPD wife was seeing a therapist. The therapist asked me to come in to talk about things and her problems. I agreed to it. Once the therapist told her i was willing to go in and talk about stuff she never called the therapist back. I'm sure I'm in the process of having the history re-written about the 2 of us. It is called ":)issociating" I think.

[myself]

Some do, some don't. Often similar details, but different stories/individuals.

Agreed, depends on how and when they're looking back. The honesty, etc.

This disorder causes extra damage. Extra hard to face while running away.

[BorisAcusio]

My BPD ex regret losing her old life, where she was provided food, shelter, money and safety, not her husband. The question is, do they regret losing you or what you can provide them as a soothing object? BPD is all about getting their needs met.

[Trog]

My BPD ex regret losing her old life, where she was provided food, shelter, money and safety, not her husband. The question is, do they regret losing you or what you can provide them as a soothing object? BPD is all about getting their needs met.

Seems that way. However my ex was obsessed with her exes. Our conversations were 50% about all her failed relationships for the first year or so and even after we were married she was endlessly checking up on her exes.

I don't know if she regretted losing them as much as losing what they provided in terms of feelings and friendships. None of them, the close or serious ones, remained friends with her and their NC and cutting ending letters with her certainly left an impression. Not to the point of crying or wondering about her behaviour, more obsessive stalking and trying to convince me that they were wrong or bad.

They don't miss us the way we miss them, they didn't love us as we loved them, they didn't have the same dreams for us at all. It's like they are day to day existing while you are planning a life.

[merlin4926]

Well put mr shambles.

[merlin4926]

I suppose it's because I have come such a long way that I'm thinking this now. I'm doing much better and can now see just how much I did for him and how good I was to him (he had messed me up so much I thought I truly had treated him badly)

Sounds weird but now I'm valuing myself again I can't believe he let such a good thing go and traded it in for what he did.  I do want a better future for him but there's a bit of me that wants him to feel some sense of loss at what he tossed away.

[paperlung]

My ex and I were together for a little over a year. She had an online affair with man twice her age who lived very, very far away. I found out from doing some snooping and then broke up with her. A couple of days later, my replacement takes a plane over to visit her. They sleep together, and the next morning she calls me up telling me what happened and that she made a mistake and doesn't want to be with him. I take her back, he leaves, but she begins to miss him, so I break it off with her again. She invites him back, but then makes him leave like a week later because she apparently then realizes how crazy she is being. She asks for my help, like with getting her to therapy and stuff. That doesn't last long. She finds some new guy off the internet who also lives pretty far away and falls in love with him almost immediately. After she confesses this to me, I tell her "See ya later!" and go NC on her for a year.

Back in November, she told me via text, "Like when I think of what happened now. I'm just like what the hell was I evening thinking. Like the stupidest ___ing thing ... I clearly had a great supportive boyfriend who wanted the best for me and to help me and I went behind his back and did that with ... Of all people HIM. Just ridiculous. I entirely regret it and I'm not one to regret things but learn from them. But that situation I very much regret. I hate that I did that to you."

Then in December we talked on the phone for the first time in over a year and she told me how she saw this movie recently where you were able to go back in time and fix things that went wrong and she said it got her thinking about us, and you know what she said to me? "I don't think I would've changed anything." I was like... .What the heck?

[Trog]

My ex and I were together for a little over a year. She had an online affair with man twice her age who lived very, very far away. I found out from doing some snooping and then broke up with her. A couple of days later, my replacement takes a plane over to visit her. They sleep together, and the next morning she calls me up telling me what happened and that she made a mistake and doesn't want to be with him. I take her back, he leaves, but she begins to miss him, so I break it off with her again. She invites him back, but then makes him leave like a week later because she apparently then realizes how crazy she is being. She asks for my help, like with getting her to therapy and stuff. That doesn't last long. She finds some new guy off the internet who also lives pretty far away and falls in love with him almost immediately. After she confesses this to me, I tell her "See ya later!" and go NC on her for a year.

Back in November, she told me via text, "Like when I think of what happened now. I'm just like what the hell was I evening thinking. Like the stupidest ___ing thing ... I clearly had a great supportive boyfriend who wanted the best for me and to help me and I went behind his back and did that with ... Of all people HIM. Just ridiculous. I entirely regret it and I'm not one to regret things but learn from them. But that situation I very much regret. I hate that I did that to you."

Then in December we talked on the phone for the first time in over a year and she told me how she saw this movie recently where you were able to go back in time and fix things that went wrong and she said it got her thinking about us, and you know what she said to me? "I don't think I would've changed anything." I was like... .What the heck?

You know I think I'm starting to understand. I guess you can't go around your whole life cringing at your behaviour so you have to minimise and normalize. Truth is thou, this energy does not go nowhere. It can't. But we have to release it before it consumes us too.

I need to read these forgiveness books, been avoiding them because I feel she doesn't deserve forgiveness, but I guess we are forgiving for us, not them.

I'm sorry this happened to you paper lung

[Tim300]

Generally I don't think they regret it.  I think they see themselves as genuine victims of their failed serious relationships.  And I think ultimately they enjoy the drama and chaos as opposed to the white picket fence, etc.  I think as they get older they will have to keep going for lesser quality marks, but that this doesn't even bother some of them.