So; why do they not answer calls or respond to texts or emails?

[JRT]

I am winding down my shock and associated pain as a result of my exBPD fiance's sudden and unprompted disappearance from my life. There are a number of remaining questions that I have that have been vexing me in an attempt to understand.

Mine had moved in just three months prior to her disappearing act and broke up with me via an angry text while I was out of town. She went as far as to block me from calling, texting, email. social media (where she unfriended and blocked me, unfriended my friends and compelled all of her family and friends to do the same). The few contacts that I had attempted were met with threats of legal action should I repeat the attempt (although the lawyers that I have spoken with confirmed that there was little chance of success with a PPO). She has even rebuffed contact by friends of mine whom she had developed a friendship with.

I have done a significant amount of reading as it relates to BPD and I realize that I have been 'split' and that she has 'painted me black'. But what is it about mere communication after the fact that drives them to extremes such as this one to avoid contact by any means possible? How about some sign that there was something that was bothering her in the first place (mine was a waif - she never complained, we never argued, there were few if any disagreements)? Is it fear that drives this or is it part of a larger, 'punitive'[, sort of strategy on her part?

We had recycled a few times prior. In each case the cadence was identical where ultimately she acknowledged the the end of the episode came when she saw me; THEN it was over and 'the world was good'. The only thing that I can think of is that desperate to hold steady to her course of action, she has eliminated all possibility of being able to HAVE the conversation that will lead to that meeting where the relationship resumes (in her mind). Anyone else have such an experience?

[maxen]

hi JRT.

But what is it about mere communication after the fact that drives them to extremes such as this one to avoid contact by any means possible?

well this isn't always the case. you'll see many stories here about BPD ex's blowing up a poster's email box or phone; they are trying usually to avoid a sense of abandonment. but what you describe was true in my case also. my stbxw culled all my family from facebook, was furious when my mother tired to get in touch with her, and at first refused to respond to my (few, but madly heartfelt) emails, and then refused even to read them, as she pointed out to me. i think there's a good dollop of NPD in with my wife's BPD, and the desire to be vicious was part of her motivation. however, shame is a strong component of the BPD experience, and for a pwBPD to actually face the content of what he or she has done is furiously painful. (my wife expressed shame about how much she spent and drank during the marriage, but apologized about nothing, even shrugging about the effect on me of her campaign of deceit). what the pwBPD is avoiding is a sense of being judged. the best way to do that is not to be faced with the consequences of his/her actions.

you've posted this in Undecided. where do you stand now JRT?

[JRT]

So what you are saying is that if she WERE to connect with me, the logical topic of conversation would be, 'Why did you do this?'. In anticipation and as a matter of avoidance, she has chosen to go thorugh great lengths to avoid the conversation altogether as the shame and judgement associated with what she had done would be unbearably painful? So, rather than go down that road, she has built this communicational moat around herself to bar the conversation in the first place? If that's the case, it makes me really sad for you her. She could be one step away from what she REALLY wants out of life. Since your case is similar, let me ask you: was yours conflicted about her actions? What ended up happening?

There is a (quickly) decreasing part of me that would take her back conditionally. I did have 2 very good years with her and do miss her. But man: there would have to be some serious work that would need to happen.

What is a stbxw?

[maxen]

So what you are saying is that if she WERE to connect with me, the logical topic of conversation would be, 'Why did you do this?'. In anticipation and as a matter of avoidance, she has chosen to go thorugh great lengths to avoid the conversation altogether as the shame and judgement associated with what she had done would be unbearably painful?

that would not be untypical of BPD.

six weeks after she blindsided me, moving directly in with the other party, i met with my wife. during this horrifying hour, i looked at her aghast and said "you lied to me you know." her reaction was to shrug (as i mentioned above). a moment later though she reared back red-faced and yelled "I'M NOT PROUD OF IT?" she knew, and could see written all over my face, that she had blown my life apart, that i had been taken in by friends, and had known all along that i have major depressive disorder. but her reaction was to feel judged by my wreckage. and this wasn't the only time a desire to avoid judgement had cost me in the marriage (though of course not nearly so violently). fear of judgement s a major marker of BPD.

What is a stbxw?

soon-to-be-ex-wife

[JRT]

So what net effect then did it have? One would think that it would sober them up so to speak.

In my earlier recycles, she would disappear, then I would get an email or such after a day, week, month. Then I would get an email (something business related - she managed my website; an EXCUSE to reach out. 'Your website password it 'password' ". I would email her back and she would THEN respond. Then an angry phone call where i had to work hard not to get sucked into anger. Then a meeting and here is my point: she would report well after the fact that on mere sight of me that 'all was well with the world'. The episode was over (until the next one). I am thinking that she has worked hard to prevent that face to face meeting knowing that any contact (ie RATIONAL ADULT CONVERSATION) would lead to that meeting and hence, to her snapping out of it.

I'm just guessing here: Does this sound right?