I am really undecided

[pocan_again]

I really don't know what to do. We have two kids (5 and 2) and maybe that's the reason I am sticking around till they turn 18.  The biggest trigger is when my parents and family speak to our kids. I had prevented that for 5 years and in the process reinforced her bad behavior. I have decided in 2015, I won't let that happen.

The first step was to have my mom speak with my boys yesterday. It has caused severe emotional and abusive reaction from her. She is crying non stop and saying I am done, etc. If she wants to file for divorce, that's fine with me. I am going to continue to make sure my kids have a relationship with my family.

In the event she does walk out, what are the chances of custody? What is better? Staying in this till kids turn 18 or move on? I am very worried about the prospect of kids being brought up in a divorced home.

As of right now, none of our friends and families know that she has BPD and neither does she.  Should I start letting close folks know?

[Mutt]

 

Hi pocan_again,

I'm sorry to hear things are difficult. You have big decisions you're contemplating. Divorce is difficult, even more difficult with a pwBPD. I suggest that you take a look at the Legal board to get an idea of what your getting into. It's not to say that it's not a good idea and you won't get custody, it is to say my it's emotionally difficult and it's a good idea to have a strategy in plan.

A quiet exit and we have information on the site as well. If your spouses fear of abandonment is triggered, it can be scorched earth. Not fun. I've been there. I told my ex I wanted a divorce, knew nothing about BPD and triggered her.

A good book I suggest ( only one of it's kind ) is Bill Eddy's Splitting; Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline

Divorce is a serious step, disordered or non-disordered. I didn't want my kids to be raised in divorce either, S3, S6, D8. I wanted to keep the family unit together. Protect and shield the kids. Being on this side of the fence, many are divorced. I also think it wasn't good for the kids to be blasted by mom. I provide an emotional safety net in my house, a calm and secure environment unlike the war zone we had when we lived together. I tend to their emotional needs, validate and show them simple strategies to cope in a way they understand (D8).

It sounds like your SO is railing against your boundaries when you decided that you wanted to involve family. I can relate to this as well. Does she act out more aggressively to your boundaries?

Mental illness and BPD is complex. I tried to explain to family and my advice is, it's best not to. Much of the behavior and acting out is behind closed doors. Does she keep things together around family? It is your marriage. Don't talk to family about family. Her disorder is not a burden for you to explain why she does what she does. The boards here a resource you can use. We all have a loved one with mental illness in our lives.

Are you in T?