Have been lurking a few months

[landj]

Hi,

Lots of good info here. 2 weeks out of a 1 1/2 year wild ride. Me mid 50's, her 40. She left with her kids to find success. Never missed anyone/ anything so bad in my life. I am addicted, no doubt. I feel like I am half responsible for letting go of the best thing that ever happened to me. Have been leaning heavily on many posts here. Thanks.

[patientandclear]

I'm so sorry. I know the pain well.

Why do you feel half responsible? What's the thinking?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey landj, Welcome!  Sorry to hear what you are going through.  Many of us have been there, too.  What makes you think your former SO has BPD?  LuckyJim

[landj]

She has been diagnosed with BP, PTSD  and possible BPD and everything I have read seems to point to BPD as well.

I suppose the reason is because I waited to long to really try and understand what was happening with her. The more I learn about BPD, BP, PTSD and my role in this, I see that the reason I let my self get in so deep with her is because of issues I have of my own. I am still trying to figure things out but, if I let her become such an integral part of my life, because I have my own issues, then I feel like I am as much to blame for the failure of this relationship as she is. She told me it was over many times in the last 6-8 months but we stayed together. She really had noone or nowhere to go, is pretty much broke and probably stayed and tried to keep the peace out of desperation for her and her kids. I never had kids of my own and I find myself missing the kids pretty bad too. I guess the answer to why I feel equally responsible is that since I have my own self esteem issues, abandonment issues, possible narcissistic traits, and generally fear of being alone (all things I am just now learning), how can I blame her for trying to pursue her dreams? It feels like I have failed her. To top it all off, I gave her the car and the money she asked for to send her on her way. Even though she reached out via email, I went NC and now I feel like I have totally abandoned her.

Thanks for listening. I have really never done anything like this before.