BPD "mom" basically rejected the kids... do I ask if she wants to see them?

[Boss302]

Looking for some advice here... .UBPDx is currently up on felony charges, and had the kids lie to me about not showing up to her first hearing on January 2nd. I called the kids on it, and per the kids, they called her on it too. She also blew off paying for D18's college, which D18 confronted her on as well.

After that, this lovely little message was sent:

(D14 and D18), you both have joined your father and convicted me without any knowledge of what's going on or what went on. You both need me as a checkbook that's it. You tell me we have discussed things and we are all understanding each other. I feel like its a front for me. Then you go back to your "other family" and everything changes. I can't handle it anymore. You want to be with him completely 100% of the time that's fine. Sad but fine. I have always said I wanted only what is best for you. If this is what's best  then your father is your ticket.

So... .we all know now what it takes for her switch from Queen mode to Witch. Isn't it just dripping with motherly love?

Before, D18 was the good kid, and D14 was the bad one, but both are painted black now. She also cut off D14's GMAIL and Netflix accounts, and has threatened to shut off their phones.  

I've discussed this with both kids and have tried to validate with them that this is their mom's issues surfacing, not theirs - they didn't do anything wrong, of course, aside from spillling the beans to me that their mom was lying about something that directly affected them both (I'd say impending jail time and failure to pay for a child's college as promised definitely fall under the category of "things that affect their well being".

My problem is this: uBPDx has visitation with the kids on Wednesday evenings and the first three weekends of the month. D18 isn't covered by the child custody orders anymore and can do what she wants, but D14 is still covered, and she has absolutely no desire to go to her mom's. I don't want to ask her whether she still intends to keep her parenting time in place - that'll just trigger her, and she'll take that out on the kids. However, uBPDx also has a bad history of making up stories about me, and given how disregulated she is now, I have no doubt she'd be capable of accusing me of keeping the kids against her will if I don't make them go over there, and have the cops show up at my door. I don't think the kids would be well served by that.

At the same time, I don't think they're in any danger, so I can't see how a court would cut her off from parenting time based on one pissy email.

I'm also concerned that if I start unilaterally making changes to the parenting agreement, it'll be open season - she'll start doing stuff that's outside her legal authority, and the legal framework is the only thing I have to keep my boundaries with her vis a vis the kids. Without it, it'll be chaos... .and she is a MASTER of chaos.

Any suggestions? I don't want to make the kids go over there if they don't want to, but I don't want to paint myself into a corner legally either.

[livednlearned]

If she is facing felony charges, do you feel this will give you a leg to stand on in terms of modifying custody? I know it's different depending on where you live, the judge, etc. so you have to take into account your specifics. But maybe a quick call to your L will help justify any actions to withhold visitation right now. My L often seconded my instincts when I withheld visitation, and often gave me advice on how to draft the email announcing the change.

An email like the one your ex wrote to the kids would go far in my court. If I withheld visitation, and my ex filed a motion for contempt, that email would be Exhibit A and get read in court. And the worse that might happen is the judge would say "resume visitation," hopefully after a long series of continuances in which S13 did not have to interact with his dad.

Your instinct to protect the kids right now is really good, Boss302. Your ex is in a defensive crouch, and her behavior is likely to be worse. If you can protect your D14 from experiencing the full effect of the blowback, do whatever you can to make that happen.

At the very least, buy yourself a short break until things play out in court around her felony charge. She is going to be severely agitated and unstable while it inches forward, no?

[Boss302]

She is going to be severely agitated and unstable while it inches forward, no?

I'd say that's an understatement.  

The problem is that one one hand, I can't let her "get away" with stuff like coaching the kids to lie to me about her court case - she has to know there are lines I won't let her cross - but on the other hand, when I call her on it, she makes me suffer by making the kids suffer. It's like a Nazi prison camp guard killing all the prisoners until someone confessed to stealing food. It's just evil.

To this point, I've been telling the kids that I have certain "threshold" items that demand my involvement - things like endangerment, inappropriate living conditions, following through on her court-ordered responsibilities when it comes to getting them to therapy, payment of college tuition as promised, etc. But I also was clear to them that I won't get involved in mom-daughter fights or plain old complaints ("I'm bored at her place," "she likes my sister more than me," etc). But I think I need to go a step further and let them know in advance when I'm going to call dear old mom on something that demands some involvement from me, and have them turn off their phones and email so she can't "troll" them.

They're supportive of the idea of me holding mom accountable when necessary, but the know the consequences will be that she will paint them black. Maybe if we cut that off at the pass we can avoid some of this garbage.

I don't have a lawyer, so if you have any hints on how I could phrase this, I'd appreciate it.

[livednlearned]

Can you consult with an L if you don't have one on retainer? I learned from my own lawyer that there is a lot of insider baseball -- who the judge is, how the court tends to rule on certain items, the significance of prior history, prevalence of gender bias, etc. So sharing the details with an L and asking if this is enough to modify custodial time might go a long way. If yes, then you go from there. In my state, it's an ex parte motion for emergency modification to visitation. It has to be approved or not approved very quickly, and then often there is a hearing that can be as long as 3 months off.

Her email seems a bit more than pissy to me. She says "you say you want to be with him completely 100% of the time that's fine." She has just documented what they said -- it's no longer hearsay.

It also seems very obvious that she coaches them when they're with her on what to say. "You tell me we have discussed things and we are all understanding each other."

Those are all good things to share with an L. Most states say that there has to be something "substantive" in order to modify custody, but that is left vague and only an L can help you interpret what that means in your situation. Her felony counts plus an email like this might give you a good chance to modify.

[PinkieV]

My DH and I keep tabs on his uBPDex's various court cases through the County Linx website.  In fact, it's how we found out she was charged with two counts of first degree theft for embezzlement.  DH filed for emergency custody, and that's how we ended up with full custody!

[Boss302]

My DH and I keep tabs on his uBPDex's various court cases through the County Linx website.  In fact, it's how we found out she was charged with two counts of first degree theft for embezzlement.  DH filed for emergency custody, and that's how we ended up with full custody!

I had to do the same. Mine's up on two felony charges for writing bum checks. And never once did she apologize to me or the kids for throwing a wrench into their lives - her only concern was how I could possibly have found this out. I guess she hasn't discovered that there's no such thing as a private criminal act. 

[Boss302]

Can you consult with an L if you don't have one on retainer? I learned from my own lawyer that there is a lot of insider baseball -- who the judge is, how the court tends to rule on certain items, the significance of prior history, prevalence of gender bias, etc. So sharing the details with an L and asking if this is enough to modify custodial time might go a long way. If yes, then you go from there. In my state, it's an ex parte motion for emergency modification to visitation. It has to be approved or not approved very quickly, and then often there is a hearing that can be as long as 3 months off.

Her email seems a bit more than pissy to me. She says "you say you want to be with him completely 100% of the time that's fine." She has just documented what they said -- it's no longer hearsay.

It also seems very obvious that she coaches them when they're with her on what to say. "You tell me we have discussed things and we are all understanding each other."

Those are all good things to share with an L. Most states say that there has to be something "substantive" in order to modify custody, but that is left vague and only an L can help you interpret what that means in your situation. Her felony counts plus an email like this might give you a good chance to modify.

Unfortunately, I don't have an attorney and can't afford one (uBPDx's damn alimony sees to that). I think I'm going to wait to see how this case against her plays out - if she's in jail, it's pretty much a settled question who has custody.

I emailed her last night and told her D14 would not be coming to see her until she changes her behavior. I have not had a response but D14 is grateful.  

[Nope]

Sounds fair to me. Now we wait for the entitled explosion.