First step to setting boundaries and communication

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This is the part I really struggle with, knowing the right thing to say at the right time.

So BPDgf (ex?) has called several times today and things have been really good between us, normal conversations like they used to. However, I couldn't keep up the pretense any more tonight because what happened in December did hurt and I am still hurting and I can't continue to carry on like nothing happened, supress my own feelings to accommodate hers only for her to possibly turn around a week later and disappear again. Because then I will have hurt piled upon hurt and have a whole heap of it to try and navigate through.

So tonight I called her and I told her exactly how I was feeling. I asked for space over the coming days to be able to process my feelings and emotions because I am still hurting and I need to work through that.

I told her again that my feelings towards her haven't changed and that I'm not walking away, simply asking for some room to process because I'm afraid. I told her that my wants include her and that I haven't changed my stance on that but right now I don't think we are on the same page so I have to think about me and put me first. She talked about how right now she is in such a state that she can't see past today so right now doesn't know what it is that she wants and for her to even think about it hurts.

I talked about how I felt our communication for the last half of the year could have been better from both of us instead of becoming a guessing game and she agreed. I said that one thing I want to change is the way we communicate because it leaves so much uncertainty and that I'm equally as bad with that because I have to be more assertive in what I want rather than being flimsy on the off chance that I cause offence.

I didn't bring up the infidelity but I did stress that the events of December have caused a great deal of pain and that I wouldn't be true to myself if I tried to suppress that. So over the coming days I was going to work on healing, what it is that I want from life and to set some firm boundaries because I cannot go through that pain again.

She talked about some of her fears being that I was dismissive of getting married, and felt I didn't want to marry her. I explained that asking someone a few weeks into a new relationship can catch you off guard but that I had planned to ask her on our anniversary because it is what I wanted to do, I just wanted us to have some space to grow in the relationship before we took that step and that maybe I could have communicated that to her better.

I feel a lot of guilt in myself for having that conversation, especially when things were starting to look like they were returning to normal but it had to be done now so that if there is any chance of things working out, there are clear and defined goals and boundaries in place.

[Ripped Heart]

This is the part I really struggle with, knowing the right thing to say at the right time.

So BPDgf (ex?) has called several times today and things have been really good between us, normal conversations like they used to. However, I couldn't keep up the pretense any more tonight because what happened in December did hurt and I am still hurting and I can't continue to carry on like nothing happened, supress my own feelings to accommodate hers only for her to possibly turn around a week later and disappear again. Because then I will have hurt piled upon hurt and have a whole heap of it to try and navigate through.

So tonight I called her and I told her exactly how I was feeling. I asked for space over the coming days to be able to process my feelings and emotions because I am still hurting and I need to work through that.

I told her again that my feelings towards her haven't changed and that I'm not walking away, simply asking for some room to process because I'm afraid. I told her that my wants include her and that I haven't changed my stance on that but right now I don't think we are on the same page so I have to think about me and put me first. She talked about how right now she is in such a state that she can't see past today so right now doesn't know what it is that she wants and for her to even think about it hurts.

I talked about how I felt our communication for the last half of the year could have been better from both of us instead of becoming a guessing game and she agreed. I said that one thing I want to change is the way we communicate because it leaves so much uncertainty and that I'm equally as bad with that because I have to be more assertive in what I want rather than being flimsy on the off chance that I cause offence.

I didn't bring up the infidelity but I did stress that the events of December have caused a great deal of pain and that I wouldn't be true to myself if I tried to suppress that. So over the coming days I was going to work on healing, what it is that I want from life and to set some firm boundaries because I cannot go through that pain again.

She talked about some of her fears being that I was dismissive of getting married, and felt I didn't want to marry her. I explained that asking someone a few weeks into a new relationship can catch you off guard but that I had planned to ask her on our anniversary because it is what I wanted to do, I just wanted us to have some space to grow in the relationship before we took that step and that maybe I could have communicated that to her better.

I feel a lot of guilt in myself for having that conversation, especially when things were starting to look like they were returning to normal but it had to be done now so that if there is any chance of things working out, there are clear and defined goals and boundaries in place.

[Ripped Heart]

Got a phone call after she finished work today, was just to let me know how her day went and that she was waiting for a plumber because it seems her heating isn't working right now. Was short and friendly and there were a few little things brought up. Seems she had quite the restless night last night, over thinking too much and also still struggling with her pain.

One thing struck me during our conversation and that was regardless of what I've emailed her these past couple of weeks, although there was never really a response or acknowledgement to how I was feeling, I know that things were read and taken on board.

One such discussion was when she attempted to re-engage and I had told her there was nothing more to be said. During that discussion, I had mentioned there were things of hers at mine which I would post back to her. A couple of days later she received a card to say the postal service had tried to deliver something and she would have to go collect it.

I got a phone call from her and she was quite upset, she said it was because she hadn't ordered anything so was worried as to what it might have been. In other words (it took a couple of days for me to catch on) she was fearful that I had remained true to what I'd said and posted her things back to her. She didn't come out and say it outright until today but that is what she was fearing the most.

She is desperately trying to hold on while at the same time, can't see past the day she is on and doesn't know how to climb out of the spiral because it's hurting too much. I do feel really bad for her and it's taking every ounce of energy I have not to rush in and try to keep my distance. So right now, I'm going to head down to the gym and meet up with some friends to help clear some space in my head and release some of that frustration.

[Ridingthewaves]

Hi Ripped

the only thing I would point out here is that you are still sidestepping the infidelity issue... .this is in some ways the biggest issue, its the one that caused you the most pain and its the one that is being the least discussed. It may be that you are not talking about it because if you had to acknowledge it in full, you may realize that this and possible future infidelities, is such a big deal for you, that you would have to let go of her for real. She is desperate right now, in her abandonment phase, so she will do and say anything to keep you. My guy used to do the same with me, when he sensed I was just about to throw in the towel. This can give you an illusion that you have some power right now and that you can negotiate... .My experience is that every single thing I negotiated with my unBPDexbf during these times, and that he agreed to, he never followed up on in the future... .even if he was all willing at the time... .Seems once agreements happen and relationship is secured, they get comfy again and all the behaviors start all over again, and if infidelity is one of those behaviors, you can expect that to happen again too. If when the person gets mad or dont get what they want, their response is to go get it some place else, that is often how they will respond to relationship challenges again at a later time. So, the discussion on infidelity - talk to your T as to why you are not talking about it direct... .is it because then you would have to come out of your own denial, but your attachment to her is still strong enough that you are not ready to do that and face all that it actually really means to you? Its ok to not be ready and to need some time to integrate things... .infidelity is a shock to the system, like a death... .death of your previous reality, death of the person you thought you were with... .and the first stage of dealing with death is denial. Consider including this in your processing time, especially with talks of marriage on the table.

Al the best to you with this... .I am feeling you ... .

[Ripped Heart]

That makes a lot of sense Ridingthewaves and the infidelity is a big issue to me. I have definitely sidestepped it over the past few days but it does hurt. Part of this reason is that I did try and address it and she is adamant that it never happened. I can't bring myself to tell her how I know because then I bring other people into the mix and that's not what I want to do. This is between me and her so I'm not certain on the best approach, only that I know for certain it happened but that I'm also giving her the benefit of the doubt on this occasion.

Likewise, infidelity has played a part in previous relationships. I had a couple of girlfriends when I was in the army which weren't serious relationships but I was cheated on all the same. It made sense because being away for several months at a time, with the expectation that someone was going to wait for you was, I felt, a little too unrealistic, especially when you are only 18-19 at the time.

I guess I had much stronger boundaries then because that was always the deal breaker for me. Again, I couldn't expect them to remain faithful because it wasn't a typical relationship in that sense, but I also couldn't remain in a relationship with someone who could do that whilst trying to keep the pretense everything was ok. There was one girl who did at least say she found it too difficult and ended the r/s which I had a lot of respect for and all these years later, we are still friends and check in on each other from time to time.

I guess with BPDgf, it's two-fold. I'm in denial and want to believe she is telling the truth. There is a huge difference between hearsay and physical evidence though. Secondly, having seen the look in her eyes, the cry like nothing I've ever heard before and how she is feeling right now, I do feel she is punishing herself for what she has done and I feel that I can't possibly add to that. What I can do is lay down a boundary that I can't accept that kind of behaviour and should it ever happen, then there is no coming back from it. I would feel bad to place a boundary after the fact but what I can do is place one moving forward. It just means by doing that, I have to work on forgiveness and also find a way to remove that pain.