Breaking free of the 'shared' identity

[CloseToFreedom]

It's been almost 6 weeks since my break-up with my uEXBPDgf (that we kind of both agreed upon), and as many of you here know I'm having a very hard time with it.

I think I've identified one of the things that makes it so hard. It's that in the four and a half years we were together, we've really 'melted' in each other and created one identity consisting out of two people, if that makes sense.

Certainly thanks to the last year because we were living together then, but also before that. Our own friends became shared friends (well, my friends became shared friends, she didn't really had any friends left by the end), we watched the same movies and series, we were truly a couple, emeshed.

It is perhaps why I haven't deleted my photos of her and us together from my Facebook. They're still there in folders, and they feel like such a big part of my life. They ARE a big part of my life. I just can't get to a point where it makes sense to delete them, as she was the world to me for four years. She deleted them in the first weekend we were seperated, by the way.

So, I guess this is why I am having such a hard time with the break up. It feels like half of my identity has been lost, half of my own life has broken off. Thinking about just ME being MY identity scares me and feels wrong.

Does this make sense to anyone?

[eyvindr]

Hi Close,

It's hard to detach from someone we love. It sounds like you're experiencing the very normal grieving process.

I'm sorry to hear that you had to end this relationship, but without knowing the details of your story, I understand. I'm impressed that you and your ex were able to agree upon the split -- that in itself should give you both at least some sense of closure, which is more than many get when leaving these types of r-ships. The first time my ex and I split, she initiated it -- the last two times, I did. Each time, though, it was sudden, with no discussion, triggered by some final ridiculous last straw type of incident.

I completely understand what you're saying about holding on to pictures -- I do the same thing. Unlike my ex, who like yours went on an immediate erasure campaign, including gathering up every single gift I'd ever given her in our three years together and throwing them away, and immediately creating dating profiles and advertising herself with profiles along the lines of "looking for a real relationship, with a real person"-type themes.

All three breakups have been made more difficult for me by the lengthy splitting period. Every time, the minute she realized that I was really breaking up with her -- when I ceased returning her calls, texts and emails -- she has immediately begun painting me black online. She has reached out via email and social media to my friends and family members, initially pleading with them to talk to me, out of feigned concern for my mental stability (apparently the only legitimate reason to end a committed relationship is some type of insanity), then later to fill them in on "the person you don't know," focusing mainly on anger. Which, yes -- there was on my part. I don't deny it, nor am I proud of it -- but it wasn't spontaneous or unjustified. According to her accounts, she was never anything less than a patient, emotionally supportive, giving, compassionate, fun, easy-going partner -- in short, blameless. All of that stuff, ridiculous as the claims are -- even more ridiculous than her strategy of attempting to humiliate and smear me to people who have known me for most of my life -- is still hurtful. I loved her -- I still do. But the relationship wasn't working on many levels, and it had to end. That isn't a crime, and I'm not sorry for breaking up with her.

Which is what she needs it to be. As best as I can understand it, I think it's because, if she has BPD, breakups tap into the core shame -- and she desperately needs to avoid the feelings associated with losing someone who loved her. I know it triggers her core childhood abandonment wound -- she has used that word so many times to describe what I "did" to her -- which further triggers her deep fear that something must be wrong with her, that she is unworthy of love. None of that is true, of course -- it's just very sad. I loved her very much, and wanted to spend my life with her -- but I had to accept that there were issues and differences that couldn't be overcome, and which I was unwilling to commit to for the rest of my life. It was just a breakup. But in her mind, she was used, victimize and abandoned -- she has gone as far as to conclude that I'm a sociopath. You'd think the ridiculousness of these accusations would in itself undermine the hurt -- I'm working on that still. Because when someone you love attacks you with lies and hatred, it does hurt.

Of course, if she were to read these boards and recognize herself, she'd argue that I'm doing the same thing. Except the difference is that I'm not. I'm not trying to make her look bad -- I don't think she's a bad person at all. I do think she has a serious emotional disorder, however, and I do think it's irresponsible for her to have some awareness of it and think she can waltz through life without giving it any serious attention, because it doesn't affect just her. This illness impacts everyone who comes in contact with the person who is suffering from the disease. I don't want it in her life, and I certainly don't want it in mine. I had to make a choice. I tried for three years. Life's short, and I'm not 20.

Hang in there.     

[CloseToFreedom]

Thank you for your story! Much appreciated.

Well, when I say mutual break-up, it went like this: she got pissed off about something small again (this would happen almost every day) and I just couldn't take it anymore so I raged back. The next day, I asked her if she was planning to move out. She said: 'In a few weeks when my appartment is ready'. I said: well if you are planning to go anyway, just go right now! I wasn't looking forward for living with someone in that state for a few weeks.

Now she's basically convinced I broke up with her, but I didn't. I asked if she was planning to move out. She was already planning to do it anyway, I think. The last couple of weeks she was emotionally distand and didn't want to have sex anymore (not that we did have a lot of it anymore anyway), and she found that appartment real quick... .a bit too quick if you catch my drift.

Anyway yeah, I do think these feelings are normal, although I do often wonder if I'm not the one with BPD as I feel such a hole in my identity right now, like I'm totally empty, non existent. I hope I will get through this. I know I have to, but its so hard.

[fromheeltoheal]

we've really 'melted' in each other and created one identity consisting out of two people, if that makes sense.

Yes, it makes sense.  Borderlines don't have a fully formed 'self' of their own, so they 'attach' to other people to become 'whole', not in a romantic 'you complete me' way but in an unhealthy fusing of psyches way, to create one person out of two with no boundary between; it's a replaying of that earliest attachment they never successfully detached from as infants, the situation that created the disorder to begin with.  Your experience actually confirms what is known about BPD and if we go there, if we accept the attachment, which you and I both did, it does feel like half of you has been ripped out when the relationship ends.  Not like a 'normal' relationship at all, where two autonomous individuals partner up but still retain their individuality; BPD is a mental illness.

I do often wonder if I'm not the one with BPD as I feel such a hole in my identity right now, like I'm totally empty, non existent.

 

It's common in these relationships to adopt some of the behaviors and thought processes of our partner, common in any relationship really, but more so in a relationship with a borderline due to the 'fusing' mentioned above; they're called 'fleas' around here.  You will probably find that over time, as you find yourself again, that those traits go away, hard to say entirely though since the traits of the disorder are on a continuum and we all exhibit them from time to time to different degrees, but with a borderline they're consistent over time and exaggerated.

Take care of you!

[eyvindr]

fromheeltoheel --

Great post. You managed to convey exactly what I was trying to post to another board yesterday much more clearly than I was able to. Thank you.

Ev.

[eyvindr]

Close --

"When we become hollow bones there is no limit to what the Higher Powers can do in and through us in spiritual things." -- Frank Fools Crow, LAKOTA

If we want to be of maximum use to the Creator, we must ready ourselves to do so. if we are to become a channel for His purposes, we must prepare ourselves to do so. If we have resentment, fear, selfishness, or anger, we are not hollow bones. We must be rid of these things. We must change ourselves. We must ask for forgiveness for ourselves and forgive our brothers and sisters. We must keep our insides clean. We cannot use our power in a good way when we have blockages such as hate, judgement, and envy. When we are free of these things the Higher Powers can use us beyond our wildest imagination. Then we can really help ourselves and help our people. Only when we are hollow bones can we have an effect on the world.

[borderpatrol]

"Thinking about just ME being MY identity scares me and feels wrong"

Just remember you were your own person before your relationship. Change is hard and I think your feelings are normal and they will get better with time. I am going through a similar process and did erase photos from facebook. I think it's important to do if you are truly convinced it's over. I have not been able to bring myself to erase all the photos from my phone yet though. Over time I think I will, but not there yet.

Be Strong!