introducing a child to exs new partner with BPD

[ashmum1977]

I posted this on another section and was directed here. My ex has a new partner that has BPD and at some point wants to introduce our 7 year old daughter to her. I know nothing about how BPD affects her as he won't tell me anything.  I know she has it and for  some reason doesn't have custody of her own child.  Should I be concerned about how she could be with my daughter?  I know very little about BPD so I have no idea of if i need to be concerned. My ex will love her being a broken doll type and will jump straight in and try and fix/protect her. His judgement won't be the best!

[Turkish]

Hello ashmum1977,

I saw that you were given some good links in your intro thread in order to learn more about BPD.

It's tough enough on children when a parent brings in a new romantic partner into the "family," and the concern of the OP (Other Parent) is justified. That she has BPD means that your concerns are valid, but as it was said, the behaviors lie on a spectrum, and underneath the disorder, they are still people just like us.

It sounds like you both have a decent relationship. What is the legal custody order like? Do you have legal power to reduce contact if you become aware of unhealthy behaviors?

My Ex (undiagnosed, but strong BPD traits) introduced my two little kids to her affair partner, basically, right after she moved out. I don't know if he's BPD (though certainly "odd", but he seems to be ok with them so far that I can tell. pwBPD (people/person with BPD) tend to idealize their partners in a way that sometimes goes into love addiction. What I am seeing is signs of neglect.

One book here which many of us recommend is The Power Of Validation. It's written specifically for parents to teach them ways to validate their children so that they open up to us and feel safe sharing their emotions. If you have D7 most of the time then you may have a great relationship with her already, but with a pwBPD in the mix, so to speak, unhealthy behaviors may filter down. I'd pay attention to how she acts and what she says if her daddy's gf does indeed become part of her life. Guarding against alienation and protecting your young daughter from adult concerns is also something we can help you with here if needed. If your ex husband's gf is diagnosed with BPD, then it is ok to mention it to your D if it comes up, but really, if you don't see anything odd going on, then it's better to not mention it.

[livednlearned]

I know she has it and for  some reason doesn't have custody of her own child. 

That says volumes. Most of the people on the Family Law board have shared custody with their BPD exes. It's really hard to lose complete custody. I wonder if there are any public files on her custody case that you could track down?

In terms of what how she might be around your D, it's possible that she will be jealous of your ex's attention on her. There is a child like quality to many BPD sufferers, and they have a hard time regulating their emotions.

You can read more about BPD traits and parenting here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331289#msg1331289

It's also possible that your ex's new BPD gf is in the idealization stage. It's often the devaluation stage when things start to worsen.

The book Turkish recommended is great -- it will help you create a strong bond with your D so that she feels emotionally validated when she talks to you about her experiences. It's an amazing tool for any parent, but in particular for kids who come into contact with BPD sufferers.

[Hawk Ridge]

Neither my expwBPD or  i had children but she often discussed the children in the previous relationship.  They were her non partner's children  my ex talked about being frustrated by details and perfectionistic ideals the kids did not meet.  With me, once I was devalued, she referred to me as a child, "random," as having ADHD.  I was very happy go lucky when we first got together.  I am a respected and accomplished professional yet I was made to feel as if I was an idiot.  The constant berating and my inability to meet her perfectionistic ideals tore me down.   My replacement has several children. I often wonder how that is going.  I can't imagine well.