Strange new sensation

[Ripped Heart]

Woke up today feeling empowered and back in control of myself. I called BPDgf last night because I was worried about her given her state in recent days. She eventually called back and I spoke to her for a short time.

What got me with the call was that she was asking about an upcoming event I have in a couple of weeks. It seems quite minor but given that most of the time she forgets dates, or calls me in the middle of appointments saying she has forgotten I said I was going to be there. It now starts to feel clearer that she doesn't forget and its always a test to see if I'm where I say I am. The manipulation is becoming much clearer and I feel that power returning.

I'm not the same as her in that I can switch between love and hate in the blink of an eye. I do still love her and I do still care. I do wish things could find a way back to a sense of "normality" but I'm no longer going to hold on and wait around.

I've been working hard over the past few days about my own wants and needs. I deserve to love and have it returned, even from myself. I deserve to be allowed to be happy and not give control of my happiness to others. I deserve to be respected in the same way I respect others.

In terms of BPDgf, I won't be there as an emotional sponge. If she can't be there for the good times, why should I only be good enough for the bad? Its either all or nothing.

I'm not her parent so I should stop acting like it, also she needs to stop treating me as though I am too. If she can't see me as an equal, then she has no place in my life. I have children and they need a parent, not my BPDgf.

I wont tolerate lying, cheating or deception. That's disrespectful to me and I'm worth much more than that. What's happened in the past has happened and can't be changed. What can be changed is that I find acceptance of it and ensure that if it should happen again, she has no place in my life.

I won't continue to chase. I'm enabling the behaviour by reacting to the emotional crisis and dramas going on. If she cannot decide whether she wants to be in this r/s or not then I'm going to continue with my life with or without her. However, there will come a point of no return and once that has passed, only she is accountable for her actions. As to what that point is, I'm still working on that.

She will not play a part in my youngest children's lives whilever there is a continual push/pull. I just won't subject my children to that and she has already caused damage to her r/s with my eldest daughter as a result of her actions. Whilst ever she is undecided, my children are off limits. Even if she decides, there will need to be a drastic improvement before I let her into their lives.

For now, I've blocked her number again on my phone and having several days NC to work on me.

[patientandclear]

Ripped ... .Applause. So good to hear you saying you deserve to be loved and respected like you love and respect others.

Also good to hear you flag the parent role it is so easy to slip into, and that you don't want that.

I suppose it won't come as a big surprise that I am not a big fan of this r/ship But my one reservation about what you wrote is about your blocking and NC plan at the end.

You wrote that you are still undecided: you may be able to forgive and accept the past etc. And just last night you called her and had what sounds like a not-problematic conversation.

Since then you've done some important reflecting and realized important things. But you are still undecided. In that case, to me, a sudden NC and blocking is really push-pull just like pwBPD engage in. Huge overnight shifts without any big new event to explain them. People we care about suddenly disappearing is terrifying all around.

Why not just say (if you haven't) that you need some time to yourself after the events of the past few weeks, and you'll check in again in a few days? The more specific you are about when you'll be back in touch the more useful that communication is for allaying what will otherwise be her panic.

When she does panic she will cry in that way you find it hard to turn away from etc.

We should deal with others as we wish to be dealt with. (And expect the same as you wrote here.)  You are doing crucial work internally and learning a ton. But meanwhile you are probably really confusing her. Can you give her a head's up what you're doing?

[Ripped Heart]

I should have said previously that I did tell her I needed a few days to work through my own things but that and hour later I got a call in tears and ended up having to give a detailed explanation.

So she does know that I'm taking a step back but the blocking is more for my own sanity because I know that if I hear the phone ring I can ignore it but it will eat away at me until I call back.

[patientandclear]

Sounds like you've handled it wonderfully. I expect this next period will be very illuminating. Carry on! 

[sweetheart]

Ripped Heart the boundaries protecting your children are fantastic. Keeping them away from emotional chaos as you have said is a priority for any parent. It is my no.1 priority.

I read your post over on the PI board and it certainly sounds as though something about this relationship with this woman has proved to be a catalyst for your own emotional growth.

Remember to expect all sorts of chaos to be thrown at you now that you have set down some boundaries, keep that phone blocked until you are really ready and leave your cape in a box in the closet.

[Ripped Heart]

Thank you both,

Sweetheart, you are most certainly correct in that this experience has provided a catalyst. I married a pwNPD/BPD and it was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. To then go from that to a year later finding myself in another relationship with a pwBPD made me ask a lot of questions about myself. Yes, I took a year out to deal with the trauma and emotional experience of my marriage and to address my own feelings at the time but given that was my first true experience, you kind of put it down to luck of the draw.

My r/s before the marriage was 10 years and she too was relatively emotionally unstable, entirely dependable on me and the dynamic worked. There were ups and downs and although I gave her the space and freedom to grow, she chose not to and I put that down to her being in a highly abusive r/s before I came along. I saw to her every need and she gave me the space to be me but it was an unhealthy relationship.

This time has most definitely been an eye opener and what keeps me undecided is that there was never any of the arguing from the previous relationships, there were rages but those have been directed at other people. Yes, there have been nasty comments directed at me but she would accept responsibility and apologise when she was in the wrong, just as I do when I'm in the wrong. Given that this is 3 relationships with emotional instability, the issue had to be me in terms of why I keep following the same pattern and given the pain it causes, I can't allow myself to keep following the same pattern. So yes, this has been a catalyst for me to dig deeper and resolve my own core issues in order to break the cycle.

PatientandClear - I keep asking myself the same question as to what keeps me in this r/s when logically I see things very clearly. If I was on the outside seeing this with a friend or family member, I would say the very same thing. I think part of it has to do with my own past failed relationships and wanting to get it right this time, I feel like I failed them because at the time I didn't truly understand. BPD was an alien concept to me so the more I learned, the more I felt I could have done or said things differently.

Another part is what I've discussed already in previous posts, where I'm still reaching out for acceptance based on my FOO. I think as that link starts to break, I may start to see things in a very different light. I know which direction i want to go, I just don't think I have the tools right now to keep it but the more I learn, the stronger they will become. Yet another part and something I discussed with T, is that I know how difficult it is to be different and for others to judge you.

I've mentioned before, I have an exceptionally high IQ, can learn things in days that take others months or years to learn and people have been intimidated to the point of fearing my abilities. It's very difficult to explain to people that where I excel in some areas, I don't in others so most of my life I've dumbed it down. I've rather been the subject of ridicule than know someone feels intimidated by my abilities. I've done really well in that it often catches people off-guard when I tell them I have Aspergers because I've adapted very well over the years. The ones who usually pick up on it are people who have family members with Aspergers and usually approach me first.

So given that, I do empathise and understand what it must be like for a pwBPD living on a daily basis, even more so in the case of BPDgf, where is is aware of her condition but struggles to understand her actions and thoughts to the point it causes her great pain. I've been there, done that and know how it feels to be trapped in your own body where nobody understands. So a big part of why I'm undecided is my empathy towards her. The irony being that until recently, it was often believed people with AS lacked empathy too. We don't, we might struggle to express it but we feel it perhaps more than others, more when it's something we have experience of.