My heart feels no love

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I feel irritation, I feel stress, I feel anger, I feel suspicious, I feel lonely, I feel that I can not trust or confide in my partner - my husband.  I feel on constant edge, ready to jump in and minimize the damage & protect my kids.  I don't feel the love anymore, there is so little of the person that I loved here anymore.  I used to at least feel it when we had good days or good hours or when we were intimate.  That was actually one of the only times we could connect.  But now I don't feel it anymore.  It feels cold and uncomfortable.  Everytime he acts nice he will flip and be a monster.  I have 6 kids (4 are mine, 2 steroids) in the house to spread my time between, 2 with behavioral problems.  Plus I work and am trying to run my own business (according to him I don't do, my business is just "playing" & I am a terrible mother).  I feel like me and my kids would be better on our own.  My children's temperament visibly changes when he gets home.  I don't think I have the time energy or the heart left to make this work.  I don't know, maybe I will feel differently tomorrow.  Sad that I feel so cold, It's not who I am.  I have lost a lot of myself along the way.

[Smileypants]

I feel irritation, I feel stress, I feel anger, I feel suspicious, I feel lonely, I feel that I can not trust or confide in my partner - my husband.  I feel on constant edge, ready to jump in and minimize the damage & protect my kids.  I don't feel the love anymore, there is so little of the person that I loved here anymore.  I used to at least feel it when we had good days or good hours or when we were intimate.  That was actually one of the only times we could connect.  But now I don't feel it anymore.  It feels cold and uncomfortable.  Everytime he acts nice he will flip and be a monster.  I have 6 kids (4 are mine, 2 steroids) in the house to spread my time between, 2 with behavioral problems.  Plus I work and am trying to run my own business (according to him I don't do, my business is just "playing" & I am a terrible mother).  I feel like me and my kids would be better on our own.  My children's temperament visibly changes when he gets home.  I don't think I have the time energy or the heart left to make this work.  I don't know, maybe I will feel differently tomorrow.  Sad that I feel so cold, It's not who I am.  I have lost a lot of myself along the way.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Smileypants, 

I understand the mix of emotions of irritation, anger, suspicion, and loneliness.    It sounds like you have a lot going on all at once.  A culmination of stress can be overwhelming for anyone. What types of behavior are you having the most problem with? 

Sometimes coping with the behavior of a pwBPD can make you feel completely drained. I have felt that way as well.  Learning and understanding the behaviors of a pwBPD truly helps with coping. Learning and understanding the behavior will help you realize that you are not the cause of your pwBPD's behavior and the origin of the behavior stems from your pwBPD's childhood. Have you had a chance to read about the causes and behavior of BPD?

Similar to you, I have felt cold and uncomfortable in my relationship. My feelings of coldness, anger, and irritation stemmed from a lack of taking care of myself first. I spent so much time focusing on my pwBPD's needs and "walking on eggshells," I temporarily lost myself.  To rectify this, I started focusing on me.  I learned that the previous way I was doing things was not helpful and actually made a stressful situation worse.  Using tools on this site, such as effective communication techniques and boundaries helped me during times of conflict with my pwBPD. Also, I learned how to handle my own stressors by practicing mindfulness. Learning mindfulness has helped me feel centered and have less irritability. Here is an article to help you get started.  TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

[Smileypants]

Sorry didn't mean to swear.  And he has 2 sons - not 2 steroids.  Oops

[Smileypants]

His behavior does stem from his childhood.  His dad was a heavy drinker, his mom was abusive and neglectful.  But he believes that nothing is wrong with him, everyone else is crazy.  He doesn't even now that I know his diagnosis.  His sister who was more like a mother to him told me.  But the diagnosis is spot on with his behavior.

[EaglesJuju]

His behavior does stem from his childhood.  His dad was a heavy drinker, his mom was abusive and neglectful.  But he believes that nothing is wrong with him, everyone else is crazy.  He doesn't even now that I know his diagnosis.  His sister who was more like a mother to him told me.  But the diagnosis is spot on with his behavior.

It seems that he has had a rough childhood.  Has he been officially diagnosed with BPD?

Have you ever discussed this type of behavior with your husband? 

[Smileypants]

Yes he was officially diagnosed as a teenager.  He was diagnosed with BPD & Bi Polar.

I have not talked with him about it, the moderators said in my initial post, that it probably wasn't a good idea to confront him because of how he may react.

When I do talk about specific behaviors with him, he finds a way to turn it back on me and make it my fault.  It's impossible for me to get my point heard or considered.  That's why I pretty much keep to myself & the kids as much as possible now.  I leave the are whenever he starts to act like that.  I don't respond to him baiting me anymore

[EaglesJuju]

Yes he was officially diagnosed as a teenager.  He was diagnosed with BPD & Bi Polar.

I have not talked with him about it, the moderators said in my initial post, that it probably wasn't a good idea to confront him because of how he may react.

When I do talk about specific behaviors with him, he finds a way to turn it back on me and make it my fault.  It's impossible for me to get my point heard or considered.  That's why I pretty much keep to myself & the kids as much as possible now.  I leave the are whenever he starts to act like that.  I don't respond to him baiting me anymore

How are you feeling since your original post?  Have you had the chance to focus on you?

It is very difficult to talk to a pwBPD about the disorder. Talking about the disorder when a pwBPD is dysregulating, or (in your situation) having a manic/depressive episode usually ends up unfavorable.

I understand the combination of both Bipolar and BPD are a tough to cope with.   

Although, there are ways to discuss specific behaviors with your pwBPD.  Communication tools have really helped me discussing my concerns with projection or other type of coping mechanisms. Prior to using communication tools, the majority of my discussions about certain behaviors usually ended up with my pwBPD lashing out and me getting frustrated. His tendency to lash out (projection) is a coping mechanism.  I became more frustrated because, I was constantly suppressing my feelings, wants, and needs. Walking on eggshells for a long period of time, tends to build up a lot of frustration, anger, and hopelessness. After repeatedly trying the same thing over and over again, I started using communication tools like SET. Through communication tools, I was finally able to address my concerns, while making my pwBPD feel validated or not "criticized." I even extended communication tools on  my schizophrenic/biopolar mother. Communication tools have made all of the relationships in my life exponentially improved.  Here is an article to help you get started.    

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth