Money issues

[gypsy rose]

feel silly being back on this board... .i divorced my uBPD husband of 10 years because he got back on meth, lied about it, and kept doing it.  i gave him a choice of rehab and therapy or divorce court, he chose divorce.  we work in the same field, have mutual friends.  It's been hard to watch him lose all his teeth, lose his job, and become homeless.  I give him work at the craft fairs we do, when i can, and try to maintain contact as a friend.  I've gone nc, then he will text, or i will see him at the events that we do, so i've tried light contact and compassion.

he is in a new relationship, but she won't let him live with her (well played!).  I know the woman professionally, she is motherly, compassionate, a good woman.  he  called me a couple of weeks ago, and asked to come up to the farm to stay for a month while he waits for his next job.  i told him he could do some work for me in exchange for room and board.  turns out he is dead broke (go figure) and has no $ for next months bills.  he talked about the last place he stayed giving him money for chores.  I am in debt, and have enough $ to make it to my next show, with maybe a couple hundred extra.  I know he needs $, and now i feel guilty for not offering him money for chores, and i feel resentful because i am feeding and sheltering him, and now i must come up with $ too to help him out. He spent one day digging a ditch for me; he's been here five days.

today he talked about leaving to get out of my hair, how it's just no fun here, and it's like living in a dump.  i'm trying to come up with $ to give him, and wondering if i'm being played, or if i am hypersensitive to his needs and being overly selfish, because i have a house and a roof over my head, and he is homeless.  it's like I SHOULD be less selfish about money, and i SHOULD pay him for the chores he does.  meanwhile, i'm cooking and cleaning, and he's back to washing the occasional dish and turning on the tv first thing in the morning.  and the cycle of resentment continues.

I thought my boundaries were stronger, and i would be ok with his behavior.  I asked him to watch tv in my son's room (he lives with his dad) in the a.m., because i can't stand the noise in the morning.  he retaliated by staying in the room all day with the tv on. i talked with him about taking him down to the county to get some type of financial aid.  then i got the I'm leaving... .

so, am i out of line with the money thing? am i being unreasonable?  i worry about him leaving, and i'm terrified he will stay... . that can't be good.  thanks for any advice.

[Samuel S.]

Gypsy Rose, I think you are being played, being used, bottom line. He asked you, if he could stay at your home. You said he could, provided that he does chores and earn a little money which is a hardship for you to do in the first place. You have been generous and reasonable under the circumstances. On the other hand, he has done limited amount of work, and he sits around watching tv, like if your home is totally his, which it is not. It is yours!

Under your circumstances, it is suggested you give him a very soon deadline as to when he leaves, like a week and no more. Sure, you can give him possibilities as to what he can do, but ultimately, it is his choice. It is not your responsibility to pick up after him, especially after he has lied to you and frankly has been using lately. You need your own life to be free of his drama! He needs to grow up!

I hope I am not being too blunt, but it is horrible to be used when you obviously have been generous and reasonable. I have been that way with my BPDw, but only to be hurt over and over again.