DH intervenes = SS is worse off?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

Everything has been pretty quiet, but we have one thing going on that may, or may not, be an issue.

My DH got emergency custody of his two sons 18 months ago. It turned into sole custody of SS14 nine months ago. SS19 stayed with family to finish his senior year in their hometown, and SS14 moved in with us, two states away. BM went to jail for nine months.

SS14 has what we believe is regular contact with BM and his younger half sister via his cell phone. We don't ask or interfere. Younger sister recently turned 11 and is a mini me of her uBPDm.

SS19 went NC with BM when he enlisted last fall. His last contact with her was to threaten her with a restraining order should she bother him in any way. He came home to us for holiday leave at Christmas, and we (DH, me, and SS14) purposely kept it quiet so BM wouldn't know until after SS14 came home from his visitation.

One night before his brother came home, SS19 told me BM had texted that she wished he could just get on a plane and fly home. We both assumed she knew he was with us and had use of his phone. We were wrong. She had apparently just texted him on a whim thinking he'd see it at some point.

Thankfully, she didn't find out SS19 was with us until SS14 came home. She blew up their phones when she saw a picture on FB. SS19 did not respond, and SS14 told her he had no control over his brother and didn't want to be in the middle. They were with my son when this happened, and he said neither boy was upset.

SS14 mentioned in early January that his sister was texting asking him to tell SS19 to call. I was actually hopeful he could practice some of the skills he's learning with his counselor on the "lite" version of BM. This past week though, he told me they both called him together and we're still bothering him about it.

He went to counseling yesterday, and was pretty quiet for the rest of the day. He's an introspective kid anyways, immature for his age, and socially awkward. He usually "processes" for a bit after counseling and then bounces back to his typical self. We don't ask and he doesn't generally offer, so we don't know what they talked about. We alternate his one on one counseling with family counseling, but we don't talk about BM at that time.

Now I'm wondering if he mentioned the conversation to me because he needs help with this? My first thought was that my DH should email her and tell her that SS14 has no control over his brother's actions, but we all know that will just blow up in our faces and SS14 will take the brunt of it. I'm thinking instead that DH should email our counselor to ask her advice, and also ask SS14 if he needs help with this?  Sorry for the length of this post, and I appreciate any advice you can give.

[PinkieV]

Hi everyone,

Everything has been pretty quiet, but we have one thing going on that may, or may not, be an issue.

My DH got emergency custody of his two sons 18 months ago. It turned into sole custody of SS14 nine months ago. SS19 stayed with family to finish his senior year in their hometown, and SS14 moved in with us, two states away. BM went to jail for nine months.

SS14 has what we believe is regular contact with BM and his younger half sister via his cell phone. We don't ask or interfere. Younger sister recently turned 11 and is a mini me of her uBPDm.

SS19 went NC with BM when he enlisted last fall. His last contact with her was to threaten her with a restraining order should she bother him in any way. He came home to us for holiday leave at Christmas, and we (DH, me, and SS14) purposely kept it quiet so BM wouldn't know until after SS14 came home from his visitation.

One night before his brother came home, SS19 told me BM had texted that she wished he could just get on a plane and fly home. We both assumed she knew he was with us and had use of his phone. We were wrong. She had apparently just texted him on a whim thinking he'd see it at some point.

Thankfully, she didn't find out SS19 was with us until SS14 came home. She blew up their phones when she saw a picture on FB. SS19 did not respond, and SS14 told her he had no control over his brother and didn't want to be in the middle. They were with my son when this happened, and he said neither boy was upset.

SS14 mentioned in early January that his sister was texting asking him to tell SS19 to call. I was actually hopeful he could practice some of the skills he's learning with his counselor on the "lite" version of BM. This past week though, he told me they both called him together and we're still bothering him about it.

He went to counseling yesterday, and was pretty quiet for the rest of the day. He's an introspective kid anyways, immature for his age, and socially awkward. He usually "processes" for a bit after counseling and then bounces back to his typical self. We don't ask and he doesn't generally offer, so we don't know what they talked about. We alternate his one on one counseling with family counseling, but we don't talk about BM at that time.

Now I'm wondering if he mentioned the conversation to me because he needs help with this? My first thought was that my DH should email her and tell her that SS14 has no control over his brother's actions, but we all know that will just blow up in our faces and SS14 will take the brunt of it. I'm thinking instead that DH should email our counselor to ask her advice, and also ask SS14 if he needs help with this?  Sorry for the length of this post, and I appreciate any advice you can give.

[Nope]

I think getting input from his counselor is the way to go. The counselor probably has a whole lot more insight as to what is going on in his head and how he's processing his mom's behaviors. At the very least a counselor can work out a plan with him on how to deal with these pressures.

Ultimately all you can do is validate and provide emotional support. He will need to find his own way of dealing with his mother and sister. The answer needs to come from him or it becomes just the adults all trying to impose their will.