Blaming me for not trusting him

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

How can he do this.  How can he turn around the fact that he slept at another womans house last week, he has also send her X rated pics of hmself, and then when I confront him, he turns it around and says, ok, I can't do this, I have trusted you with your x husband, but you have trust issues and u believe ___ about me.

Suddenly, I am too blame for his behaviour.  I feel so confused, almost like maybe I am overreacting. 

But I know, of course he trusts me, I don't give him any reason not too.  Why can't he understand this.  He has this ability to turn everything into my fault.

[DreamerGirl]

How can he do this.  How can he turn around the fact that he slept at another womans house last week, he has also send her X rated pics of hmself, and then when I confront him, he turns it around and says, ok, I can't do this, I have trusted you with your x husband, but you have trust issues and u believe ___ about me.

Suddenly, I am too blame for his behaviour.  I feel so confused, almost like maybe I am overreacting. 

But I know, of course he trusts me, I don't give him any reason not too.  Why can't he understand this.  He has this ability to turn everything into my fault.

[DreamerGirl]

So the next chapter begins...

I caved.  I feel like a drug addict.  I just had such a strong craving for him, I texted him to come over.  He texted me back and said he just wanted to come over, and wrap me up in his arms, and fall asleep, but no talking or S**.  Even though he had said no S*X, he was intimate with me.

So, that's what we did.  I lay there, in his arms, feeling so many emotions, the hurt and sadness were quite overwhelming, but then I felt so much love between us.  It's just so confusing, my mind was and is everywhere. 

The elephant was still in the room when we woke up.  Him sleeping the night at a single girls house!  But its all innocent, in his and her words.  It's apparently my trust issues that are making me doubt him. 

We are talking about the problem tonight when he finishes work.  He half jokingly, but also half seriously, said to me as he was leaving for work, I expect you will be apologising to me tonight for doubting my love for you, again!

I'm so grateful for having a place to share my feelings.  It makes me feel that I'm not getting judged.  My family do not understand why I stay with him.

When I looked into his eyes this morning, he was stroking my hair and he said to to me, you're the only one I love.  I do believe that, but I also think he has this other woman (the friend) who he visits, possibly to seek some sort of high and also company.

He has told me when he is not with me, he is lonely.  That puts pressure on me, because I work full-time and some nights I don't want to see him, but now I will always worry, that if I don't want to see him, then he will be with Number 2 woman.

I don't know if this is reasonable, but I am going to try a boundary tonight. 

I have no concrete evidence that he has cheated.  I am just going to let him know, for me to feel trust, there can't be sleepovers at any single womans place.  He may think that's normal but I don't.

[Ghost733]

Have you ever been in any romantic relationships where you slept really well at night and felt supported?

[DreamerGirl]

Hi Ghost, yes, there was one relationship where that was the case.  Although that relationship had different issues.  He had Aspergers, which created different problems for us.  He was very honest and reliable and smart, but there wasn't a lot of affection, that was just his way.  This relationship is so full of affection, but it has all the BPD problems as well.

[Ghost733]

I ask because I once was in a loving, supportive relationship with a girl, let's call her Anne. Fast forward to when I was with my uBPDexgf, I had a vivid dream where Anne asked me what I thought about BPDgf.  I remember saying, "she's too intense, too emotionless, she's not nice to me." And Anne said, "Then you should leave."  I'm pretty sure that was my subconscious literally speaking to me, telling me this relationship wasn't right.

Your subconscious probably wants to tell you that, too.  You remember what it's like to love someone who respects and trusts you, but you literally are addicted to this BPD guy.  I don't refer to my BPD ex as an ex anymore (in my head); rather, I refer to her as heroin.  I was addicted to her eyes, and her body at night, and her laugh.  I was addicted to the times that I won.  You sound like you're addicted to the same things.

The high is real. The relationship is not.

[DreamerGirl]

Hi Ghost, was that dream your turning point?  How did you overcome her?

Respect and trust are values I give and want to receive.  I think, because, like you have said, I'm addicted, totally.  I am letting these my values slide in order to receive the fix, he gives me. 

[Ghost733]

My turning point should have been that dream.  It should have been my pop telling me she was crazy and not to turn out like Uncle Bill.  It should have been the first time she told me to sleep on the couch because of something petty.  It should have been a lot of things.  My turning point was telling her she had BPD and her subsequently breaking up with me. 

I'm looking back now just 3 weeks out and thanking my lucky stars I'm free.  I'm almost back to the badass I was before her.  And she's not happy, despite her happy posts online.  You and I know these two individuals on a level no one else in their lives do.  We've seen behind a beautiful mask they've crafted for years, and my god it's terribly ugly under there.

You have to be strong, you need to look yourself in the mirror and ask if the addicted and disrespected person you are right now is who you want to be when you look back on your life at the end.  I think you can do better, but that's my two cents.  It seems the common trend here is either you leave calmly or they leave dramatically.

[DreamerGirl]

Thanks Ghost, thanks for responding.

I'm sorry to hear how your relationship ended.

 

Do you think you are strong enough to resist if she tries to recycle?  That's where I seem to fail.

I alternate between weak and strong.  With NC I get stronger, but I am still obsessing about him.  I have seen behind is beautiful words to me.  One minute so loving and the next scathing with a smile.  If he is angry or feels I have in some way, in his mind rejected him, it will be payback.  Silent Treatment is his preferred method, yet he is good at suptle putdowns.  He is passive agressive, so I never really know what I've said or done. 

I think they do mean what they say, in that single moment of time.  It can be fleeting though.  So any promises made can be broken within hours, depending on their feelings.

[Ghost733]

I'm 80% sure I could defeat a recycle attempt right now for 3 big reasons:

• Her life was ugly: I'm remembering how mean and insecure she and her friends were, how all of them wanted to have sex with her, the cocaine, the molly, the pot. Her house was filthy, beer bottles and dirt everywhere, stains. Images of me opening the door and seeing a sad little girl curled up in bed come to mind now versus images of us holding each other late at night.



• I'm working on making my life better and it feels awesome: Things like working out and gaining weight, working on getting my business off the ground, school, are building up my self esteem in a way she could not.



• She's not in my vision of a happy life: I keep a journal and in one of the posts I painted a picture of where I wanted to be in five years. Safe to say an emotionally abusive, lying, and severely unhealthy girlfriend is not in that picture.

But that other 20% probability is in there because I don't know if I could withstand an invitation of the physical sort.

Do you obsess because you feel like it's a game?  I called myself out the other week for being stuck on this thing because I felt like I was beaten in a game, and I can't stand to lose.  That's an immature way of approaching a romantic relationship.  Oh, and you probably aren't saying or doing anything wrong.  In fact, the more healthy and strong you behave, the more ticked off and stormy he'll become.  That's my experience.

[DreamerGirl]

Ghost, you really have created some very firm mental boundaries, and with the work you are doing on your self esteem, I doubt very much she will stand a chance getting through your door again.

The physical invitation I totally understand, now that could be a harder to resist, but from what I 'm hearing, you are getting stronger by the day, and I think you will also be able to handle that, if it should come along. 

Have you had any contact with her recently?

Yes, in a way, now that you ask if it feels like a game, I guess I do.  But, he seems to always be the one in control of the game.

I wonder though, do they play mind games to remain in control, or does it just appear to be a mindgame, when it's actually their natural way of reacting to what they perceive as rejection?  I'm not sure whether it is intentional.  I think sometimes he believes I have hurt him, so he tries to hurt me back, which makes him feel better and more in control of his feelings. 

[raisins3142]

My uBPDexgf would do dumb things and lie and because I had no definitive proof that she betrayed me, then I was supposed to trust her.

But she acted like an untrustworthy person.

Unfortunately, she had not witnessed a functioning relationship where 2 people act in a way that builds and maintains trust.  So, to her, so long as you don't catch her in bed with another man then trust should be 100%.  Never mind that we would spend a weekend together and I'd hear her phone vibrate in the special way it does when it gets a facebook messenger message, and she would never check if I were nearby at all or in the same room (and this wasn't out of respect for "our quality time" as she would do other distracting things and often we were just doing our own thing and it was no imposition to flip open a phone quickly).  But I would play a little game and walk outside to grab something from my vehicle (or go to the bathroom, etc) and then look online and I could see she had quickly logged in to retrieve the message (quick as in the moment I walked out of the room).  I'd walk back in and the phone would be in the same position in the room and she would be away from it in the same position she was in when I left (mimicking that nothing had happened at all).  I could do this 10 times a day and it happened the same way every time.  I never mentioned it because, although shady, this was like the least shady thing she did!  Normal, non-sneaky people don't make me want to check up on them.

In the morning, she'd roll over in a ball and while she thought I was asleep would check her phone quickly with the screen covered by the blanket.  Toward the end I would announce "are you over there being weird about your phone again?"

[Ghost733]

But I would play a little game and walk outside to grab something from my vehicle (or go to the bathroom, etc) and then look online and I could see she had quickly logged in to retrieve the message (quick as in the moment I walked out of the room).  I'd walk back in and the phone would be in the same position in the room and she would be away from it in the same position she was in when I left (mimicking that nothing had happened at all).

Dude, are you me? One time I decided to be nice and bring over coffee and muffins (coffins) and while I was waiting in line I checked my messenger app - she was online.  I swing by her place, she's fast asleep.  Later I ask, ":)id you just wake up?" and she goes, "Yeah, I've been asleep all morning." 

A few times she'd check her phone in the morning and proclaim "Wow look at all the people trying to sleep with me!"  In my head I was like damn, this girl puts out like no other.  But on the outside I was like "Wow you're so popular!"  I feel like such a dope for dating this little baby girl!

[DreamerGirl]

raisins3142 I know that feeling, something is not right, the behaviour they display, keeps you on edge, it's just not trust building behaviour on their part.  But I have no definitive proof, only the signs that seem shady.  That's where I am.  To stay in this relationship, I need to have trust, so I've chosen to believe him, although this has been a huge struggle.  It's easy to say I trust him, but I can honestly say here, it will take me a while to believe him again, but never 100%.

I've thought a lot about my BPDbf's behaviour during the last two weeks and listened carefully to his words.

He is very good looking, but has a very low self esteem.  Always saying he does not feel worthy of me.  When I ask why he feels this way, he can't give a good reason, just how he feels. 

I think he thinks, that I will eventually leave him, and because he thinks he is worth nothing, he acts that way, nothing to lose because I am only temporary, if that makes sense.  Like, he thinks I think he is unworthy, just like he does, but I dont, although, there have been times recently where I am starting to think otherwise! 

It doesn't matter how much love I give him, how much I show him, and tell him, he never really believes me.  I can see the doubt in his eyes, quite a lot.  He's like a puppy at times, craving love but you can't give him enough bones to ever fill him up!

In one way I'm glad he is not social media savvy, but he seems to do quite well in other ways, bar hopping and women friends galore.  His life when I am not with him, well, who knows what he does.  And that's what I find hard, I want to be in a relationship with him, where I know and trust where he says he is.  And if he doesn't answer his phone, or text message to me, then I don't want to feel the anxiety that I do...

[raisins3142]

But I would play a little game and walk outside to grab something from my vehicle (or go to the bathroom, etc) and then look online and I could see she had quickly logged in to retrieve the message (quick as in the moment I walked out of the room).  I'd walk back in and the phone would be in the same position in the room and she would be away from it in the same position she was in when I left (mimicking that nothing had happened at all).

Dude, are you me? One time I decided to be nice and bring over coffee and muffins (coffins) and while I was waiting in line I checked my messenger app - she was online.  I swing by her place, she's fast asleep.  Later I ask, ":)id you just wake up?" and she goes, "Yeah, I've been asleep all morning."  

A few times she'd check her phone in the morning and proclaim "Wow look at all the people trying to sleep with me!"  In my head I was like damn, this girl puts out like no other.  But on the outside I was like "Wow you're so popular!"  I feel like such a dope for dating this little baby girl!

LOL it can seem that way sometimes, huh?

Yeah, she'd do the same thing also you just said.

She wouldn't return a text all day and say she was sleeping or busy, but I would check periodically and see her last time since facebook log in and she was on there like every 15 minutes.

Once after she blew me off by text all day and I knew she was on facebook all day, I messaged her via facebook and said some sarcastic comment about maybe if I use this message system I'll be more important.


I didn't start this until I was already suspicious of her, and this is not my usual MO.

I got obsessed with proving my suspicions right or wrong, when I should've just walked.

And not that I demanded constant communication, but if you say you love me so much, etc., then if you are on facebook all day talking to randoms you definitely have time to answer back a short text from me at some point.  Just shows me her real priorities and feelings.

These types think you are being controlling or weird when you just want them to act like an honest and emotionally normal person.

[raisins3142]

raisins3142 I know that feeling, something is not right, the behaviour they display, keeps you on edge, it's just not trust building behaviour on their part.  But I have no definitive proof, only the signs that seem shady.  That's where I am.  To stay in this relationship, I need to have trust, so I've chosen to believe him, although this has been a huge struggle.  It's easy to say I trust him, but I can honestly say here, it will take me a while to believe him again, but never 100%.

I've thought a lot about my BPDbf's behaviour during the last two weeks and listened carefully to his words.

He is very good looking, but has a very low self esteem.  Always saying he does not feel worthy of me.  When I ask why he feels this way, he can't give a good reason, just how he feels. 

I think he thinks, that I will eventually leave him, and because he thinks he is worth nothing, he acts that way, nothing to lose because I am only temporary, if that makes sense.  Like, he thinks I think he is unworthy, just like he does, but I dont, although, there have been times recently where I am starting to think otherwise! 

It doesn't matter how much love I give him, how much I show him, and tell him, he never really believes me.  I can see the doubt in his eyes, quite a lot.  He's like a puppy at times, craving love but you can't give him enough bones to ever fill him up!

In one way I'm glad he is not social media savvy, but he seems to do quite well in other ways, bar hopping and women friends galore.  His life when I am not with him, well, who knows what he does.  And that's what I find hard, I want to be in a relationship with him, where I know and trust where he says he is.  And if he doesn't answer his phone, or text message to me, then I don't want to feel the anxiety that I do...

This would be my one piece of advice.  First, determine if he is really acting in a way that kills trust or if the issue is on your end.  If he really is just a shady acting person, then it doesn't really matter if he is doing bad things or not, the emotional effect on you will be similar... .you'll be a nervous wreck.  Don't push to trust someone that acts in a way that makes it difficult or impossible to trust them.  There are many other people in this world that will not cause you this issue.  My ex was my 6th relatively LTR, and I never had these issues before.  So, I don't think it was me.  Maybe ask yourself if this is a pattern with you or if it really is just him.