The wait is finally over

[Ripped Heart]

My exgf isn't pwBPD but has very strong Cluster B traits which have led to a 3 year battle for me to see my children. Initially, I was cut off from all access following my marriage to exN/BPDw which made things very difficult but I fought and settled for being able to speak to my children on the phone to begin with. The reason for the cut, was jealousy at the fact i got married and then when she got a new bf, she wanted just one father figure so I was pushed out completely.

Since then, there have been 3 "fathers" to my children and I've fought for 3 years just to be able to see them. The process here is that things have to go through mediation and she managed to stall mediation for an entire year, either by cancelling at the last minute, not turning up or turning up with the children. I lost all faith in the justice system and settled for having the phone contact as it was better than nothing.

Last year I started the ball rolling again because of changes in our laws. Courts are looking now at equality and even going as far as threatening jail to mothers who deny fathers access to their children. I saw my girls just 3 times last year which is extremely difficult considering I live less than a mile away from them. Despite not having access, I provide financial support for my children and would never even consider denying them that right. On top of that, I also get regular emails from exgf demanding money for school trips, clubs, clothes etc... Which I've also provided at the frustration of others as I pay more for my children than I would if it was done through Child Support.

Last year, I also found a solicitor that was prepared to fight my corner and what is going to be a battle of epic proportions. exgf landed herself in a lot of trouble previously for doing the same thing to her other children's father. Again though, mediation had to be completed first and it was the same mediation firm which made me feel a little disheartened. However, I spoke with the mediator about my reservations, they already had all the previous notes from before and when exgf cancelled for the 3rd time, they cut her off completely and straight to court.

In less than 2 hours I will be walking in to court to gain access to my children. In an effort to get me to drop the court case, exgf finally started allowing me access to my children in December but with condition. I wasn't allowed to tell youngest that I was her father because new bf has already got that label. exgf was also not happy with the reception both my girls gave me when they saw me because she was hoping for indifference and there was none, even from the youngest. The most heartbreaking thing was when d4 asked me why I wasn't her daddy too because both her and d10 have the same surname and she knows I speak to d10 every week and wanted some of that too.

In less than 2 hours, I'm truly hoping everything will be put right again and that I can finally close the door on a fight which has taken some of the most difficult 3 years of my life, both fighting for my children and also dealing with a partner that is pwBPD. I won't deny that I'm extremely nervous right now but I'm hoping that in the next few hours the fight will finally be over.

[momtara]

Let us know what happened!

And... .you have to not tell one of your daughters that you're her father?  If she wrote that in an email, bring it!

Good luck.

[ForeverDad]

Please let us know how it turned out.  Facing that level of obstruction and alienation, with her that entitled and unreasonable, I don't see how any level of mediation or settlement would be adequate.  You probably need a judge to rule.  Your ought to get at least 'normal' father time.  However, on her side she would have a 'history' of majority parenting time.  Let's hope the new laws will impact that.  It would be exceptional for you to get make-up time but do ponder if you can do that.

Many here have faced your situation.  In my separation I was blocked from seeing my son once the initial TPO orders were dismissed.  A month later I had prepared and filed for divorce and still she blocked contact.  It was 3 months before I got before a magistrate, she admitted blocking for 3 months and his only comment was "I'll fix that" and reinstated the prior temporary order which assigned her temporary custody and majority time.  No, there was no finger wagging, lecturing or even a stern look.  And no make-up time for me.  It took a few years but I eventually got a good order for my son.

If one or more of the children are unclear who their father is, then it is even more important for you to get meaningful counseling for the children.  (Courts like counseling.  We here like counseling too but handled by a perceptive and experienced counselor/therapist.)  They need professional/trained assistance to deal with the parental conflict.  Just make sure the court sets up a framework for an experienced counselor to help them, you don't want her to maneuver the girls into seeing a conned and clueless counselor.

[rarsweet]

Good luck and so good for you for not giving up.

[Crayfog]

I'm so pulling for you right now. SO HARD. In awe of your strength. The truth is encapsulated in the welcome you got from your children. Keep going.

[Ripped Heart]

Just back from the courts, there was some bad news and there was some good news.

The bad news was that the courts screwed up on the paperwork by not notifying Child Services of the court date so an Order could not be given. Court has now been adjourned until 24th Feb.

The good news is that my solicitor ran rings around her, the judge was not impressed with what came out (only a fraction of what lawyer is going to bring up) and that she is on a very tight leash. Judge told her that if she so much as puts a foot out of line or does anything to mess around, the order is going against her in a very big way. She has a few weeks now to prove she can be reasonable and in the meantime I have access to my children.

Only 3 hours a week for now until the next court date but that's enough to start to build up the relationship.

Everything backfired against exgf today, her lawyer was a friend of my lawyer, she only decided to get herself a lawyer yesterday and found one who didn't like her actions and felt she was being unreasonable. Judge tore her to pieces with far more to come next time, she's on a warning for her actions and been ordered to attend a separated parent course to learn how to communicate and act in the best interests of our children.

Judge said she was appalled at my exgf's actions in cutting me out and making new bf "dad" She said she could understand if I had just turned up on the scene after disappearing as it is a way to provide stability for daughter and something to address further down the line. However, as she hadn't been with him that long and knew I was fighting for access to my children whilst she did this, it is going to have serious repercussions. This is something she wants to take away and think about, so will address at the next court date but also warned exgf that it isn't going to be pleasant. She was especially angry that exgf was sending me emails for money for both girls but that new bf was "daddy" and this too will be addressed.

In all it was a very good day, would have liked to have resolved it all today and got more than 3 hours but it's a start in the right direction and lots more to come.

[Crayfog]

One small step in visitation, but a giant LEAP in RECORDINGS what she's doing! And you're right, three hours will be a huge blessing for your children. I'm sure you were hoping for more. But this is definitely progress.

[ForeverDad]

Three hours is better but I think it shows the mindset of many judges - they are reluctant to make major changes and they are reluctant to make changes without input from the professionals who should be providing input.  It's often been reported by members that judges will profess ignorance of the case and turn to the evaluators, child protection agencies or social services for reports.  Unfortunately that takes time.

Right now you're on a very restricted schedule, but even that is better than the crumbs and conditions from the Ex.  Maybe the judge is thinking to ease you back into 'visitation' or parenting?  Or maybe just a stopgap until he gets some reports to guide him and confirm you're not a Problem?  One problem you'll have to overcome is this concept prevalent in family courts:  The parent who is behaving poorly seldom faces consequences and the parent behaving well seldom gets credit.  There can be various reasons.  Maybe the judges prefer middle-of-the-road decisions because they don't want to proclaim winners and losers.  Maybe they figure it will all eventually work out so no rush to intervene.  Maybe they're hoping the parents will figure out how to work together.  (Sadly, it takes just one to sabotage that.)

Your Ex will likely be much like many ex-spouses described here, dragged kicking and screaming into less unreasonable parenting schedules.  Expect that you will face resistance to any and all improvements for the next 14 years.

Don't forget, put meaningful counseling high on the list for your children in the court case, right behind your parenting time and involvement in major decisions (school, doctors, etc).

Very likely you will need a custody evaluator, or someone similar in your country.  I recall my custody evaluator summarized it this way, his quotes too about 'her'... .  "Mother cannot share 'her' child but father can... .Mother should immediately lose temporary custody... .If Shared Parenting is attempted and fails then father should have custody."  How did it work out?  Everyone pressured me to settle for Shared Parenting.  And of course it didn't work out.  And though it took years eventually I did become my son's Legal Guardian.

[Ripped Heart]

Very true Foreverdad, though we all got the impression from the judges that exgf is not in good books right now. Initially, the request was for the court to be adjourned and no further action taken. However given the games and the obstacles exgf has thrown in the way, they made a decision to allow some contact.

Explaining the reason behind the 3 hours was as you stated, to ease the children back in to a new environment and to not overwhelm them immediately. There is still the matter of explaining to d4 that I am her father and the judges held exgf in very low regard for her actions around that. They have put the responsibility for any fallout on her shoulders rather than on mine and that I have every right not to play her game and actually be the father to my children. It's not like d10 doesn't know and d4 is already asking why I'm not her father given she has the same surname as d10 so the wheels are turning in her head already.

The request exgf had was immediately turned down too. She actually stated in court that she wanted to go through mediation and requested that the case be dropped from court so we could resolve our differences together in mediation. The judges had already read the file and the games she played through both lots of mediation and explained to her that she had those opportunities but in their eyes did not take it serious enough. They explained to her that we were not sat in that room because I had a grudge against her or was trying to make life difficult for her, we were sat there because SHE wasted all the alternatives and that we were there as a result of HER actions. So to that extent, mediation will not be back on the cards and that's another reason they have ordered her on the separated parent course to be completed before the next court date.

In all it was a small victory with the biggest cards still to come into play. On the next installment, she will have to explain to the courts why she posted pictures of herself on Facebook feeding d18 months at the time VK Blue (vodka drinks) where she is holding the bottle to d18m's mouth and laughing in a bar as well as pictures of d18 months at the time with a can of lager. Also the pics of d2 years at the time eating food off the floor, not on a plate, literally off the carpet. It's going to get very messy on the 24th.

[enlighten me]

So pleased for you rippedheart.

sounds like the judge is well and truely on your side. I hope the next hearing gives you everything you want.

[livednlearned]

It sounds promising, I hope you have a wonderful time reuniting with your kids. Nearly made me cry reading about how long you've had to go through this, and the excitement of your D's seeing you. I saw the whole thing playing out in my head 

I'm really cautious about interpreting judges views on things before the final ruling is made. Sometimes judges are straight shooters, but they also don't want one of the parties to file an appeal and have the entire hearing be examined for favoritism. Where I live, signs of favoritism can be grounds for appeal. There were times in my hearings when the judge would go on and on, lecturing me about this and that, and then he would rule in my favor. So confusing. Meanwhile, he all but spoon fed N/BPDx.

But the thing that does seem promising in your case is the recent change in laws. People are going to be paying close attention to any rulings that take advantage of that new law. It could also mean that the judge is going to follow the technical points of law very carefully so that the hearing doesn't get reversed in an appeal. Judges don't like having their rulings overturned in appellate court, it's a form of big-time losing for them. There are often a whole tangle of laws going on that we can't see when we're in court, so I would be curious to find out what significance Child Services plays in this, whether they have any input as to the custody schedule.

[ForeverDad]

Beware that sometimes us Nice Guys and Nice Gals feel we don't have to reveal all the bad stuff, that we don't want the ex to suffer too much, risk losing a job or whatever, however time and experience has shown that hiding information only sabotages us.  Always keep that in mind.

Also, courts often apply a principle that old documentations don't apply (except to show long term patterns of behaviors) because they could be outdated or 'stale' from a legal standpoint.  So look at this as a time to "use it or lose it".  In my case, apparently a standard in my country, the court wouldn't listen to incidents over 6 months old.  Another point I've seen expressed here is that a court decision often sets a threshold, like starting anew, the next time in court they won't want to hear anything from before the prior order.  That doesn't apply right now since your case is pending and it's only a temporary order.

Understand that no one will speak up for you as well as you yourself.  Don't expect the court to go out of it's way to see that things are fair, just or go your way.  After all it is a judicial system, not a justice system.  You have to speak up, appropriately, politely and respectfully.  You know your situation best, so you will be your own best advocate.  The court is used to having problem people in court.  Don't be a problem person, be a problem solver, offer practical solutions.  In time the court will notice who is obstructive and who is proactive and has the children's best interests at heart.  The court will still fix things too slowly but in time it will get better.

If the ex has raised questions about your fatherhood then get the DNA testing done by laboratories acknowledged by the court.  These days courts don't care much about infidelity, though when such claims are made to block parental access it doesn't make the claimant look good.

[momtara]

Yes, definitely use her email saying you can't reveal yourself as the father!  Sounds like they didn't like that very much.

It is too bad you have to wait an effing month.  Kids get older while we wait around for court.

I'm glad I'm not a dad.  Whew.

[maxen]

Beware that sometimes us Nice Guys and Nice Gals feel we don't have to reveal all the bad stuff, that we don't want the ex to suffer too much, risk losing a job or whatever, however time and experience has shown that hiding information only sabotages us.  Always keep that in mind.

yes, this. a thing i had to learn, how to be forthright about my w's habits. i learned late, but i learned. tell all to your solicitor, RH (you're probably doing this already).

[Ripped Heart]

Many thanks for the responses guys, greatly appreciated and gives me a lot of information to work with 

Foreverdad - I did question the paternity in the beginning when exgf was pregnant based on a comment made by d6 at the time. She mentioned about sleeping over at mummys friends house during our break when we were trying to resolve matters. It's also not the first time exgf has fallen pregnant in the middle of a break-up in order to keep hold of someone, she did exactly the same to exbf with her youngest son too. So I did have doubts around paternity, I so wanted d4 to be mine and I even put off paternity test for the first year and treated her as my own despite not being together because I was in denial and wasn't sure I wanted to find out she wasn't. As it turned out, she is mine so there is no doubt in that. What she has basically done is replaced me as "daddy" 3 times now so as not to destroy her little bubble. It didn't work on d10 because she was at an age where she was old enough to know who I am but with d4, it was much easier for her to do. Either way, the court has burst that bubble today.

Foreverdad and maxen, I have a friend who is a solicitor and that's the same advice he gave me too about not being the nice guy. He knows me too well and knows that I can be protective over those who hurt me, including exgf as despite the things she has done, I have defended her on many occasions. He has drilled it into my head that being the nice guy will in a court, give ammunition to the other person who won't be as nice. Foreverdad, you hit the nail on the head, my exgf losing her job was one of my biggest concerns because she works with children so I was afraid to produce any evidence that can be construed as child abuse.

I think part of my own issue with the fact I tried to resolve things between us twice and through mediation twice without taking it to court before was partly down to my own fear that I would be protective of exgf and that I wasn't in a state of mind to pull out the claws. However, given what I've seen towards d10 and d4 and the effect it's having on them, I have to put them first in this and make sure everything is on the table. It could be that they turn around and say there are things they don't need to know but for my own piece of mind, I need to make sure it's raised so that any judgement can be fair with all the facts laid out and more importantly, so that nothing can creep in the future that hasn't already been identified.

I'm really fortunate to have a solicitor that has many dealings with these types of situation, knows all the games, seen them all and knows how to navigate and expose them. Watching him in action today was a huge boost to my confidence because up until now he has talked the talk but today he put that into actions and was able to deliver. I know I'm in safe hands and that all the information he has he will know what to use and when and what won't be relevant.

One example today, solicitor put forward a proposal about me attending d10's birthday party this weekend but exgf said she would prefer me not to be there as her new bf will also be there and she is concerned there would be conflict between us. I'm not a conflict person, not an angry person and in my eyes, it's my daughters birthday and I wouldn't do anything anyway to jeopardise that or take it away from her. Solicitor's take on it was that exgf didn't want me there because it was just another thing to burst her bubble of lies and that my presence at my own daughters birthday would diminish the picture of new bf and in a sense upstage him. In the end I was the one who suggested we let this one go for now and instead settled for spending some time with her on her actual birthday so that nobody has to feel uncomfortable on d10's special day.

[ForeverDad]

There are many parents who found that it is best not to have joint holidays.  Present it to the children that they get double the number of holidays.  Whatever works and is age appropriate.

Likely your court has a default set of holiday schedule which splits the holidays between parents and then switches parents to the other set on alternating years.  In high conflict cases, you need to nail down all the standard vagueness in the standard orders.  "Reasonable telephone contact" and "mutually agreed exchange locations", for example, leaves too much room for the obstructive entitled parent to reinterpret and sabotage.  This is not a normal ended relationship.

[Deb]

The bad news was that the courts screwed up on the paperwork by not notifying Child Services of the court date so an Order could not be given. Court has now been adjourned until 24th Feb.

Look at it this way: She has 5 weeks to screw up.  My dBPD sister could not keep it together that long before any of her court hearings. She just handed custody to her ex with her bad behavior.   (We got custody of BIL in the divorce and voted her out)

[livednlearned]

Do you think the BF thinks your youngest is his daughter?

Because that will be quite a conversation when/if he learns otherwise.

[Ripped Heart]

Do you think the BF thinks your youngest is his daughter?

Because that will be quite a conversation when/if he learns otherwise.

No, he knows he isn't, he's only been on the scene for just the past year so he knows she isn't his. It's the same tactic she used with me with her boys. Victim, villain and rescuer. To me her ex was really abusive so she had to escape him and get the kids away. Hence why she stopped him seeing the kids and I moved her 100 miles away to get away from the violence and abuse. I became "daddy" to her boys, not so much her eldest one but her youngest one was only 3-4 at the time. It was a way to keep me in the r/s because I took responsibility for her boys as though they were my own so regardless of what her behaviours were, I wasn't going to walk out and leave the children.

The huge    that I saw but didn't register at the start, was at her house one night when grandparents knocked on the door in tears, she had just moved into her own house not long before I met her and grandparents were upset because she stopped them from seeing their grand kids. The conversation between them was held in another room but I did pick up that the grand parents had even helped her to move and bought her new appliances for the kitchen too, such as fridge freezer, washing machine etc... .

When she cut me out of the kids lives, she also cut out my mother and my d14 who was only 10-11 at the time. It's because she's played out the same story to all subsequent boyfriends so to have me on the scene would get them asking questions because actions wouldn't match her words.

This is what I'm fearful of next because when her exbf took her to court for access to his kids, that's when she ran because I was too enmeshed and she managed to convince me that if he gained access to his kids, he would abuse them too. If she plays that card to new bf, she is going to be looking at running very soon. However my solicitor is very aware, we discussed this pattern so he is waiting for her to do that. Another thing she has done to me is stacked activities for the girls 6 days a week and tried to say that I can't have the kids because they do all these activities. Solicitor has said that if she tries to run, part of his argument is that the girls are established up her with school and outside activities so it would make more sense for them to stay here and force her into an option of staying and it becoming a custody battle or running away with new bf.

Deb, when we separated, she asked me to make her a promise that I would never take the girls away from her. I told her I would never take the girls because I always believed in equality and as long as she could promise she wouldn't stop me from seeing them, I would make a promise in as far as if the girls decided they didn't want to live there, I would not turn them away.

She had a similar issue with her eldest son after I moved out. He didn't want to stay with her and one day rang his dad to pick him up and disappeared on her. That's another part of why she has tried to keep distance between me and my girls. She felt if we didn't have that kind of bond, they wouldn't leave her. Only at the start of last year, when I was allowed to see the girls after almost 2 years she soon saw that the bond was still there and very much alive so she stopped me seeing them again for almost a year.

[livednlearned]

This is what I'm fearful of next because when her exbf took her to court for access to his kids, that's when she ran because I was too enmeshed and she managed to convince me that if he gained access to his kids, he would abuse them too. If she plays that card to new bf, she is going to be looking at running very soon. However my solicitor is very aware, we discussed this pattern so he is waiting for her to do that.

What's your solicitor's plan if this happens?

[ForeverDad]

At your next appearance in court can you ask that the temporary order be modified not just to increase your parenting time but to also for XX days notice to you adn the court before moving with the children?  My point is that you don't care if she herself moves - and neither will the court - but that your children must remain local unless or until court approves a change of residence.  Perhaps that's already included in the temporary order, that the court retains jurisdiction, but make sure it is presented as a risk based on a past case.  Or maybe your solicitor is waiting for her to make herself look bad by running or other noncompliance?

[Ripped Heart]

Was d10's birthday today so got to spend an hour with both girls in the presence of exgf too. That I don't mind too much because it's spending time with the girls and got to give d10 her gifts.

Something amazing happened tonight, both girls clung on to me like never before because they found out this week that they get to spend time with me and really looking forward to it. D4 was even more clingy because given the roasting exgf got in court this week, she now knows the truth and that I'm her father. She sat on my knee with arms around my neck and couldn't get enough of letting me know I'm her daddy. She is over the moon and suddenly new bf is being called by his name.

I saw them both at the same place in December, first for d4's birthday at the start of December and then just before Xmas so I could give them their gifts. This time was perhaps more emotional because there were no lies or cover-ups, the truth was on the table and both girls know now that we get to see each other on a regular basis. Obviously, there will probably be questions further down the line and I don't know how exgf has spun it to them but to be honest, I don't care right now.

I never set out for "revenge" on exgf, it's not in my nature and I know from my own experience the people that lose out when it's tied to "revenge" are the children. I only set out to right something that was very wrong and in that I feel I have a major victory. Just seeing the reaction of the girls tonight brought home that it has been a rough battle but it is definitely something they wanted and needed too.

I feared how I would have to explain to d4 that actually I'm her father but it appears exgf has beaten me to the punch. This takes a lot of pressure off me and something the is taking accountability for so I'm grateful for that. Again, I know there are tough questions ahead and I might not have all the answers but what I do have for them when they are older is the proof and evidence that I never stopped fighting and I hope that some day they will be old enough to make up their own minds as to what went on. Still, that's a long way off, so for now I'm just going to enjoy the moment and know that I have 2 girls that have been waiting for this moment as long as I have.

[ForeverDad]

Think: Strategy!

What do I mean?  Right now you get very minimal time, having just moved up from 0.1% to 1.5%.  A typical "alternate weekend dad" parenting schedule can be anywhere from 11% to 25% time.  So, would you be smart to tell her, all I want is 25% time?  No, and No for a couple reasons.

1)  Court has a historical tendency to default to Mother's parenting.  And they make double down on that tendency by assuming Fathers aren't interested in more than alternate weekend parenting.  So all too often everyone there assumes Mother should get majority time and Father should get the minimal alternate weekends regardless of what's best for the kids.  (Often it is hidden behind slick policies.  My court asked for our work schedules.  I of course worked more than my then-stbEx and so of course she got temp custody and temp majority time even though she had a DV case pending against her.)

So, when you go in seeking time court may figure to assign you the typical alternate weekend dad time.  If you think that is 'fair'  or 'all you can get' then that is the likely maximum for you.  So imagine you ask for 25% and ex asks for it to get no worse for her than your current 1.5% and her current 98.5%.  Guess what, your judge might decide to 'split the difference' (thought not state it in words) between your current 1.5% and your requested 25% and you might walk out with bare bones 11% or even less.

Even if the judge isn't one to 'split the difference', it's possible that the judge will do precisely that since courts generally don't want one parent to feel the 'winner' and the other parent to feel the 'loser'.  One way to do that is to let each parent think they won a little and lost a little.

2)  Think of this Guiding Principle:  Ask and you might receive, if not all of it then at least some of it.  However, don't ask and you won't receive.  In other words, now is NOT the time to be timid or overly fair or only ask for what you minimally expect.  Let the judge know that you want as much parenting time as possible, that you're ready and willing to step up to the plate, so to speak.  Knowing that the ex will resist any benefit for you, ask for more than you think you'll end up with.  That way, if or when you don't get it all, you still may get enough time to be satisfactory.

Based on the above, you might even take the position that... .

• (1)  I can share but my ex can't share, as evidenced by the past when my parenting was mostly obstructed and even blocked, so I need to have the authority and responsibility to handle the difficult issues



• (2)  My children need me as a 50% time parent

What that does is set it up so that if you get it, then great.  But even if you don't get it now (maybe later?) then you could very likely get a good 25% time order.  Ex would feel you lost your bid for equal time and might not begrudge you as much even though you got a lot more time.

Does that make sense?  Strategy.