What to do when one parent badmouths the other

[Swiggle]

My step kids mom is always saying negative, mean things about DH and I. They will usually have some story each time they come home and they tell us about it. The things she says ranges from I'm evil, making fun of how we dress, calling us names, saying we must not love them because of XYZ and the list goes on.

Whenever this happens we usually ask them well how do you feel about what mom said or do you thing that is true. Those questions are often met with how they don't believe those things and that it makes them sad.

Last night we were talking about something and it came out that in front of a bunch of family members mom started bashing us and of course all the other disordered enablers were chiming in. SD indicated that she wished it would stop, that it really hurts her when mom does this crap. She said she knows we don't say those kind of things about her mom so she doesn't understand why mom says things about us all the time.

We talked it out that it isn't fair and how she feels caught in the middle. We asked her, what do you want to happen. She said I just want it to stop. We brainstormed with her how to try and solve this for herself, knowing we cannot control mom and make her stop. SD does not want to confront her mom, she is terrified of her. She doesn't want us to say something out of fear mom will then get angry at her. So we are kind of stuck

I asked her what makes her tell us these things, she said she doesn't know. We told her that while I'm so glad that she trusts us enough to share and talk about things, that it is hard for me to hear all that negative stuff but have my hands tied about what I can do with the information. We stressed that it is not her job to stick up for us but she does have every right to stick up for herself and her feelings, by saying to mom please don't do that or to walk away when it happens. To tell mom that you are all my parents and I love you all and don't want anyone talking badly about anyone else.

I'm tired of hearing it, I know it shouldn't bother me but it does. Not because it is uBPDex's opinion but because I can't do anything to help the kids out. Not that saying anything would make her stop, but I feel ilke it might make her more cautious knowing that the kids are telling us. She is a piece of work, gives herself the title of exceptional mother! Although knowing what I know about her mom and how she was raised she doesn't really have a high standard for what "good mom" means. She def doesn't put her kids first ever.

Is it fair to let the kids know we are willing to try and help them figure this out however we can, but until they are comfortable enough with maybe having to stand up to mom that we don't want to hear all the negative things? That doesn't feel right since we are supposed to be a sounding board for them when things are bothering them but at whos expense?

[Thunderstruck]

My DH's uBPDx bashes us to SD10 all.the.time. SD10 has said she hates it and it makes her feel embarassed.

We've gotten to a point where we just don't talk about uBPDbm at our house. It keeps us from slipping up and saying things about uBPDbm that SD10 might not like. It also doesn't perpetuate the fight. We just live our lives, be happy, and have fun together. SD10 is happy with us. To me it feels like a weight is lifted off her shoulders whenever she comes to our house.

When with her mom SD10 found her own way to cope with uBPDbm. She changes the subject whenever her mom starts in on the nastiness. That's her way of shutting it down. Unfortunately we can't completely protect them from their BPD parent. We can help them develop skills to cope. I don't think it's fair to ask children to stand up to adults, especially parents. I think SD10 is afraid of standing up to her mom as well. Her mom uses witholding love to control her, so SD10 is in constant fear that if she doesn't agree with uBPDbm completely then her mom won't love her. That's rough for a child to deal with. So we just live our own lives, ignore (and sometimes laugh at) the badmouthing, and love her unconditionally.