I'm in a long distance relationship with a fiancée with BPD. I need help.

[TomatoSauce]

Hello. This is my story.

In November 2013 I met an amazing woman online. Smart, beautiful, funny, sweet, kind, loving. Just amazing all around. We fell in love almost instantly. Within two weeks of first talking, we were boyfriend and girlfriend (there's actually a very sweet, long story about her being someone I met online 10 years prior and talked for a few weeks and then stopped but being someone I still thought of 10 years later, only to find out it was the same girl. The odds!). Anyway, we got along great. We Skype every day and text message each other when either of us is out of the house.

She started telling me more about her life. Her home life was terrible growing up. Mental abuse, physical abuse. she never felt loved by her family, always felt rejected and hated. The smallest hint of a problem in our relationship was when my family members hadn't talked to her on Skype after we were together a few weeks. Eventually they all did, except my sister, who still hasn't so much as said hi to this day. That's what brings me here today. It's been 14+ months, and we are now engaged and expecting our first child together in July. And my sister still hasn't talked to her, which she has taken very, very personally. She doesn't like anyone in my family very much, because they don't send her messages on Facebook and the like and she thinks none of them care about her at all (even though I know that they do), but even saying my sister's name makes her start shaking and anxious and suicidal and self-harming. Tonight she finally talked to my mom about it on Facebook, and it ended up with both crying and upset, as well as me feeling helpless and crying and wondering how it got this far.

She treats me like I am the best in the world. She tells me I am perfect all the time, which makes me feel good. I compliment her all the time as well, but her self esteem is rock bottom low, and she deflects it all with a "no, that's you" or a "no I'm not. I'm ___". But then when things get bad, I feel like she doesn't really like me at all. Whenever I leave the house, it's pretty much guaranteed I'm going to have to assure her I'm not ignoring her or that she isn't a burden. We spent three months together in Australia last year, and things were pretty great. We had minor episodes, but they were a lot easier to deal with in person than trying to keep us both calm over Skype. She spends a lot of money on video games she doesn't play. She had become friends with two of my friends, one that I knew from the age of 11, and one I met online. After a few months I stopped talking to both of them.

The moment of clarity came when she a meeting where it came to light that a therapist years earlier had diagnosed her with BPD, but she stopped going to him and never got the chance to tell her. We both laughed at the idea. She's depressed, anxious, and has a form of PTSD, that much I knew, but certainly nothing as serious sounding as that. In my head I imagined it was something like schizophrenia, and I knew she didn't have that. But then I looked it up online, and it was like finding a missing piece to a puzzle. Everything made sense. She still denies it, and I don't bother to bring it up again because last time I did she accused me of "taking their side" over hers.

So now I don't know what to do. When things are good, it's shocking to me that such a beautiful human being can even exist. When I read first hand accounts from people who've been in relationships in the past, it only ended up scaring me, saying things like "Stay far away from people like this, they will destroy your life and leave you a shell" and "They don't really love or care about anyone." I'm very, very much in love with her, and I sincerely believe she loves me as much as she says she does (even though it's hard sometimes). I will never give up on her, but being in an LDR is hard enough, this makes it so much harder.

Thank you for reading all of that, if you've made it this far. Any help is very appreciated.

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[TomatoSauce]

i just called an ambulance because she threatened very seriously to kill herself and our unborn baby. She's blaming me for everything.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi TomatoSauce,   

Welcome.  I am glad you found us.  I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult situation.     I understand how hard it is to be in a LDR with a person with BPD (BPD).  It is especially hard when your SO is going through a tough time and you cannot be there physically.   I am currently in a LDR with my bf of 5 years. It is really tough.

Your gf's childhood sounds horrible. Many pwBPD grew up in invalidating environments where their emotions were negatively reinforced,  their emotions were disregarded, or their caretakers were ineffective. The core feature of BPD is emotional dysregulation.  PwBPD have a really hard time controlling their emotions/moods. They are highly emotionally sensitive and have intense responses to emotional stimuli. When going through bouts of dysregulation, it is a slow return to a pwBPD's baseline.  Many times the feeling of "rejection" or "abandonment" triggers a pwBPD's emotions.  Something that may seem as innocuous as not talking to your sister, can be a catastrophe for a pwBPD.

Learning about the features/behaviors of BPD really helps us in a relationship. You begin to understand why your partner acts a certain way. Foremost you learn that the behavior they display is typically not about you. PwBPD tend to see feelings as facts.  Have you had a chance to learn about the behaviors of BPD? Here is a link about the behaviors of BPD.

BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

Unfortunately, suicidal idealizations are a feature of BPD. It is really tough coping with suicidal idealizations. Many pwBPD have intense feelings of self-loathing, shame, sadness, hopelessness, and pain. Threats of suicide are commonplace. I think it was good that you were being proactive and called an ambulance if you thought she was putting her life in danger.  Does your gf threatened suicide often?

There are many ways to improve a relationship with a pwBPD. This board has some fantastic communication tools and lessons that teach us how to stop making things worse. Is there specific behavior that you are having a problem coping with?

[TomatoSauce]

Thanks EaglesJuju.

She often tells me she feels like dying, but much rarer when she threatens it. And something about this time made me feel like it was not a false alarm. I have received texts from her since they came to her house, and it feels like I ended our relationship by placing that call. She's saying "**** you" over and over again (which she has never, ever said to me), calling me a liar and a betrayer, and saying that I'll never see my child. I don't know if this is just part of the inevitable intense reaction to something humiliating like this, but I know she's cut ties with people for far, far less. There's children involved, and if they get taken away she will have nothing to live for. I feel like I did the right thing, but it feels so bad.

So, this topic went from a "What can I do in the future to make things easier" to a "Things are blowing up all around me" topic in just a few hours =/

[Heldfast]

Where is she and how close are you to her family? Suicidal threats can result in involuntary commitment being issued, and you can get her in to intense therapy right away. If family is on same team as you on this, they can be the ones to act.

[EaglesJuju]

She often tells me she feels like dying, but much rarer when she threatens it. And something about this time made me feel like it was not a false alarm. I have received texts from her since they came to her house, and it feels like I ended our relationship by placing that call. She's saying "**** you" over and over again (which she has never, ever said to me), calling me a liar and a betrayer, and saying that I'll never see my child. I don't know if this is just part of the inevitable intense reaction to something humiliating like this, but I know she's cut ties with people for far, far less. There's children involved, and if they get taken away she will have nothing to live for. I feel like I did the right thing, but it feels so bad.

I understand how you could feel upset and blaming yourself for intervening, but if you felt that there was a threat, you did the right thing.  

One time my bf told me that the took a bunch of pills. I did not know if it was a "legitimate concern" or a "cry for help." I told him that we were going to the ER immediately.  He looked like he did not want to go and was very angry at me for suggesting it. While in the intake process, he told the nurse that he "accidentally took too much medication when he was sleep-walking."  The nurse was not buying into his story and asked him if he was trying to commit suicide. He looked uncomfortable and embarrassed. Adding to his embarrassment, they ran a bunch of tests and hooked him up to an IV. Then he found out how much the visit was going to cost him. He was furious with me. Although he was furious he did not "threaten" suicide ever again.   After a few days, I used communication tools to discuss why I took him to the ER.

Your gf is going to be dysregulating and upset.   Giving her a bit of space so she can calm down may be helpful. Trying to discuss something with a pwBPD when they are highly emotional and dysregulating tends to end up unfavorably.  The emotions/moods of a pwBPD are erratic and ever changing.

Take a bit of time and read up about the lessons on the right side of this page. Learning communication tools have been a lifesaver in my relationship.

So, this topic went from a "What can I do in the future to make things easier" to a "Things are blowing up all around me" topic in just a few hours =/

I understand how it can feel like everything is blowing up all around you.     Take some time to relax. I know it is hard to relax especially when you feel this way, but it is important to take care of ourselves first.  

I understand that you feel badly, but as you said, you believe that you did the right thing. That is important to remember.  

[ColdEthyl]

Hello, tomatosauce and welcome!

I'm sorry you are in this situation  My H is diagnosed BPD, and it's very common that pwBPD sort of 'suck you in', they do feel perfect and loving. I have read other people say that pwBPD don't really love or care... .and I do not believe that's true. What you do have to understand is that they do have a mental illness, and a lot of things will not make sense until you understand where they are coming from.

She is in a dysregulation at the moment, and she will most likely calm down. The best thing to do is give her space. In the meantime, read all the lessons and materials on this site that you can, so you can learn how to communicate with her better and reduce the dysregulation.

Under NO circumstances should you mention this website to her, or her BPD. It will only cause more dysregulation. This place should be a safe place for YOU. Give up on mentioning her BPD to her for now, until we get some work done.

[Heldfast]

Here is a good article, scientific but readable, on what you are dealing with www2.psych.ubc.ca/~klonsky/publications/emotion2009.pdf

and as painful as it is, let me tell you that ColdEthyl is 100% correct, during the dysregulation, you must give space, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much you want to reach out. If you do not give this space, you will be perceived as a threat, as controlling, as a focus, or cause of every negative reaction. If you contact her even a little, even just to say I love you or let's talk, it will very likely blow up. Let her make the first move back to you. In the meantime, I suggest you see a therapist and let them know what you are dealing with, and learn to practice DBT, and mindfulness so that you are emotionally strong and prepared for that contact to occur. Dysregulation is a horrible thing to deal with, and it may be a day, weeks, even months. But use that time for you. You know what your enemy is, it is not the person you love. But she cannot be fixed by you, at best you can support her if and when she comes around. Good luck, and strength.

[TomatoSauce]

Well I made the mistake of trying to fix things before coming back here and reading some more. Our relationship is in shambles right now. It's never been this bad. Some things have come out that I've done that I really don't think were bad (telling my family that my sister's actions have hurt her) and it's been twisted into more backstabbing and betrayal.  She blew up at my mom earlier. And luckily my mom is a very understanding woman and doesn't hold it against her. But it's just spiraling out of control. It turns out I actually called the police rather than an ambulance, and she is furious.  She's worried the kids are going to be taken away and that she has a police record now. She keeps saying I've ruined everything.

It's just so crazy to me that this has all happened. All because some family members haven't kept up with her on Facebook or said hi. I agree with her that it's bad that my sister hasn't even introduced herself, but the level it has gone to is just something I never thought I'd see.

I'll give her space for now, but I honestly don't know if we can come back from this. And I was so hopeful at the beginning of this... .

[EaglesJuju]

It's just so crazy to me that this has all happened. All because some family members haven't kept up with her on Facebook or said hi. I agree with her that it's bad that my sister hasn't even introduced herself, but the level it has gone to is just something I never thought I'd see.

I'll give her space for now, but I honestly don't know if we can come back from this. And I was so hopeful at the beginning of this... .

Don't give up hope.    PwBPD's emotions change rather frequently.  It is common that one moment a pwBPD can be angry and the next moment act like nothing has happened.

Is this the first time you saw her really angry?

[ColdEthyl]

It does look crazy, because it's a mental illness, hun. She will do these things that make no sense. That's why we are trying to get ya to read the tools here before you talk to her again <3

I remember the first time I realized something was seriously wrong with my H. We were dating about 8 months at this time, and I had some 'glances' here and there but nothing 'crazy' until that night. We were drinking and listening to music, and he started to play U2. I dislike U2, and I expressed that. And... .I called Bono a jerk ( i used a more colorful word)

That did not go well. He freaked out... .yelling at me, throwing things... .telling me I don't know anything about Bono. He goes on and on about all the goods works he has done, and if I don't know anything about him I should stfu.

See... I didn't know about the BPD at this time. So, I did the classic screwup of trying to JADE. (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) He just kept spiraling out of control... .pacing around, yelling that he wanted to break up. He even dumped a bottle of beer on my head during this fight.

I had no idea what was going on. I started begging for him to stop and stay with me. I was pathetic... .telling him I'm sorry, I'm stupid. I loved him so much... .he was THE perfect guy for me. I was afraid to lose him... .I was so confused about what was going on, I tried everything to make it stop.

The next day, he told me he had depression (he had BPD, didn't get that truth until later) and he was crying. Saying how sorry he was, blah blah blah

After a few more episodes similar... .I started doing research. At first I thought Bi-Polar but nope. BPD. When I found out about BPD, and I asked him... .he admitted it, that he was diagnosed and that's what he's on disability for... .not for depression.

The rest of that is another story. But... .yes dear as you can see, we understand. It's not you, ok? We are here.

Please... .give her time to cool down. Talk to us before you talk to her again if you can. Don't respond to negative calls or texts.

She's upset because you told your family. To a pwBPD, that 'makes them look bad'. So she thinks/feels your family now hates her. It doesn't matter if it's true... .it's how they FEEL, and they react to how they FEEL. That's why she can be angry one day, and perfectly fine the next.