learning to set up boundries

[Josie9705]

 I am new to this site... .and need to know what works when it comes to dealing with my adult son who has BPD and refuses to get help... .He is 34 yrs old and uses people... .has anger issues... .is irrsponsible... .has 7 children from 7 women... .and supports none of them... .:'(  (this is bothering me deeply) the women in his life can leave him and find another man... .He is my son... .who I can't replace... .or stop loving... .as bad as he is... .he is good also... .

I feel lost... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Hello Josie9705, and 

I'm glad you found us. How is your relationship with your son otherwise? Does he try to use you, or have you set down boundaries regarding this? And how much contact do you have with your grandkids?

The fact that is bothers you deeply, sounds like his behaviors are flying in the face of your value system. It's tough when the ones we love exhibit behaviors can frustrate us to our cores, and for a child to do so, it must be so saddening.

If the women leave him, it's likely that he is choosing emotionally unhealthy partners, no matter their reasons. Has it seemed like this to you?

[qcarolr]

Josie9705  

It is so painful when our adult BPD kids' live in ways that are so far away from the values that we hold the closest. Perhaps the items you listed above cross value boundaries for you. How does this sound: manipulates, lack of self-control - anger, multiple partners, irresponsible in many ways, lack of care for children he fathers... .Can you name your values that match these behaviors? Are you willing to share these with us here? Gaining a clearer understanding of what we need can be a first step in finding ways to get those needs met.

What ways do you have to care for your self? Counselor, friends, family, faith community, spouse... .? Do you have activities that bring some peace and joy?

Does your son live nearby? How often to you communicate or see each other? Do you have contact with your grandkids or the ex's?

Accepting that my BPDDD28 is who she is and will choose how she lives her life is an ongoing process for me. Especially since she is an adult, I have very little direct influence on her choices. As I have learned to be able to sincerely validate her emotions, even when not accepting her actions, our relationship has become healthier. I am learning to better balance my forever love for her with detaching from her in ways that keep myself healthy.

I also struggle to accept - practice acceptance - that only she can keep herself healthy. All I can do is love her, let her know I love, and set boundaries clearly about what, when, how, where I am available to support her efforts.

The tools listed to the right are a really good place to start. Working these has helped me to overcome many of my blocks as a mom. All I truly have control over is myself. Accepting self-care has value for me was a really hard first step, though the one that is essential for any of the stratefies to become effective.

For a long time I isolated myself, and felt isolated by others, when our DD has lived with us. Dh and I are raising our gd, who is 9. We gained custody of her when an infant. DD had a second child who is now age 7. We chose to detach from our grandson before he was born (different dad) and allow things to happen as they did. He was in foster care at 5 months and later adopted by the foster parents. After the birth of her son, DD was smart and got an IUD to avoid any more pregnancies.

Though we have tried having DD live in our home off and on the past 10 years, we are clear now that she has to find her own housing solutions now and how to pay for them.  She is currently homeless and 'couch surfing' at friends homes. She has lived in the homeless community for several years, even when staying at our home. I get it now that this is HER choice and her friends are real people often with similar issues to hers. They all treat me with greater respect than DD -- and give her a hard time about how she responds to me when she is emotionally out of sync.

I hope you can keep coming back to share more of your story. We do understand. We care.

qcr

[Josie9705]

Thank you for your responses to my situation... .It is good to know I am not alone when dealing with my son... .I love him dearly... .but unless I am willing to take care of his phone bill... .and believe his lies... .which he tells often... .he has nothing to do with me... .He lives by using people... .women... .whoever he can con... .he has been in juvy, jail, prison most of his life since puberty... .He lies, has been a thief... .drug dealer... .dead beat dad... .verbal abuser... .physical abuser... .and a charmer ... .deceiver... .I love him so much because I know he is mentally messed up. He loves the Lord and got baptized 3 months ago... .but turned around and used people to get what he wants... .He blames everyone for his actions... .and says it is why he acts the way he acts... .He scares me with his drug use... .What will his children think when they find out he is such a mess... .regusing to get help... .when he was in jail... .I sent him a book about BPD... .but he disreguards it... .and refuses to get help... .I get along with some of his ex's... .but one of them died... .and one of them has hidden herself from all of us... .I haven't seen my granddaughter in over 2 yrs... .which breaks my heart... .I am getting ready to stop his phone service... .because I can't afford it... .He was suppose to find a job and pay me... .nothing in 5 months... .I feel like I am never gonna see my son survive in the real world... .What is a mother to do?   I can't give up on him... .but I can't take care of his expenses either... .if it weren't for my faith in God... .I'd be lost... .He sustains me through all the turbulent years... .Thank you for your input... .Josie9705

[qcarolr]

Hi Josie9705,

I am so sorry that you have no contact with your gd. Can you send cards for her or small gifts or are these rejected? There are parents here that have been able to improve contact with the parent of their grandkids. The tools work with so many people in my life. Often BPDkid's seem drawn to partners with similar issues - mental illness, drug and alcohol abuse, etc. I hope some of the other parents here share how they have made things better. Valerie Porr's book has a chapter that gives very practical options to help with this. It even has a letter that many have used word for word to make contact.

Your DS sounds very much like all of DD's boyfriends (bf) over the past 15 years! I have been so ignorant and in denial about all of this. Even when the actions are right in front of my face daily. I longed for her to my version of 'normal'. So often I cried for God to fix her. It was so easy to give the excuse - to myself and others- that her mental illness and learning disability created such a bad environment that she could not help being messed up.

DD is always telling me how I need to change, how Dh needs to change. Only a few weeks ago I told "I like myself how I am. Dh likes himself how he is. This is our 'normal'. You make your choices from your 'normal' which is very different than mine."  It reminds me of a comment gd's therapist made once when I was sharing some behavior that really did not work for me - I felt angry. "This behavior sure doesn't work!" I said. Her reply "Well, it seems to be working for gd". Hmmmmmm. She is getting what she feels she needs -- it does work for her. I am saying YES to something I desire to say no about. I feel anger and resentment. I have a couple choices to limit these negative feelings that really get in the way of effective parenting. Accept that I have said Yes. Say no and deal with the backlash behaviors  from calm, loving place.

It may be hard to transpose this for your DS. There are adjustments with my DD - she is an adult and needs to be held accountable for her actions -- she needs to deal with the consequences. I have to accept that she has the power over her choices. I am powerless. Many of my efforts have felt futile to me - rents lost along with other housing costs were the biggest ones. I feel foolish for paying for her housing over and over when she could not manage this EVER on her own. She lasts 2-3 weeks before being asked to vacate -- if there is a lease it is terminated. She does not seem to get how to follow the rules of landlords.

There are tiny little changes (TLC's)  in DD as I have put into practice strategies for a healthier contact with her. She is self-reflective more often and seems to hold onto this when she dysregulates. She is seeking new people (though still in homeless, transient. traveler community) that claim to be clean and sober. She is trying to stay away from her old friends. She spent 9 months in jail last year after two years of jail/probation/jail/probation. All misdemeanors. The court grew tired of her failure to participate in all the court ordered programs for mental health/substance abuse. Good programs too. They canceled the probation and gave her a straight sentence. I pray she choices wisely and stays our of jail.

I am finally able to set firm boundaries with everyone in my life, and have found a sense of peace and rest more often. My dh and I are working together (I am not doing things for DD behind his back that we agreed not to do). I have justified this for so long as OK, that I knew what I was doing. We are now searching for a smaller, less expensive home. Some of this is due to money for DD's benefit that we did not have to spend. In fact, if I had gotten out of the way with my interventions, maybe she would have made different choices. Or she would have made the same choices and we would be in better condition with retirement looming in the next few years.

Give your son his life. He sounds resourceful and will survive with only your love and not your money or excessive worries. Please read the tools and let us help you understand things that don't make sense or feel too hard. Ultimately only you know what you are willing to do -- and hopefully you can allow this to be open to changes.

My own life has turned around since I returned to a faith community about 3 years ago. I had a lot of isolation to overcome as I reached out to others for support. I am very grateful for understanding friends there. This has allowed me to seek strength and courage from God. I have learned to be present and still and listen. I have become involved in the recovery group at my church. Even though based in the 12-step framework it helps me to find the connections in the bible. Maybe you can find one in your area. Al Anon was also a big help for when things really were chaotic and out of control in MY LIFE with DD in 2009.

I hope sharing pieces of my story is helpful for you. I look forward to reading more of you story. It sure helps me.

qcr