SD10 home alone, uBPDbm is off the rails

[Thunderstruck]

A month ago DH got a temp order. It's a 2-2-5-5 schedule. uBPDbm is not happy.

- Since then all communication (via OFW) has been abuse and threats. She is now refusing to even sign on to OFW.

- uBPDbm is leaving SD10 home alone from 5:30am until 7:15am and from 2pm until 6 or 7pm. We are paying for daycare but uBPDbm is refusing to use it.

- uBPDbm shut off SD10's phone. uBPDbm doesn't answer when DH calls for his nightly court ordered call.

We are going to court next week for a second motion for continuance on the CE. It'll be another 60 days until the CE files her report. We could bring this up with her, but we won't see a resolution for months (probably after the school year ends).

Or should we pursue it and go to court with a motion to modify the order? I mean, if uBPDbm isn't there to take care of SD10 then why can't we just do it? In any case, her being in aftercare is a far better option than home alone with no phone. (there is no ROFR clause in the temp order).

[Waddams]

So here are my thoughts:

-1st - Ask your L what your legal options are.  Obviously letting this situation go on for months is not acceptable while the courts slowly grind through their process.  If the child is being endangered, then there may be grounds for emergency hearings, etc.  And SD10 home alone with no phone or means to call for help if an emergency happens is definitely an unnecessary risk to the child's well being.

-2nd - Since SD10 is technically your DH's responsibility, he really needs to be the one trying other steps.  You can advise, but he's gotta be the one taking action.

-3rd - Explore other officials to contact with your concerns.  Now might be a good time to request a school conference to review how she's doing with all this in school.  Schools are mandatory reporters and if it comes out that she's being neglected they are obligated to report it.

-4th - When you know SD10 is home alone, call the cops with your concern and ask them to perform a wellness check on her.  I would think if the cops show up and she's alone they'd be obligated to report it to your local family services department.

-5th - make an official family services report yourself and get them to investigate it if you can.

If nothing else, build a paper trail from the various authorities as you can.  Show via action that you are concerned and trying to do something about it.  The authorities might even do something about it.

Another option - and it's one that is bound to enflame the custody war - is to just go get her when her mom isn't there.  Especially if the authorities won't take on the case.  I don't think any judge on earth is going to blink twice at that.  Sometimes you just have to do what's best given the circumstances even if it isn't in accordance with a court order.  If the child is being endangered, and you act to protect her, that's just doing what you have to do. 

[Thunderstruck]

-4th - When you know SD10 is home alone, call the cops with your concern and ask them to perform a wellness check on her.  I would think if the cops show up and she's alone they'd be obligated to report it to your local family services department.

We've done this. SD10 doesn't answer the door.

-5th - make an official family services report yourself and get them to investigate it if you can.

I can't even count the number of times we've brought this up to child services. Mom gives them a song and dance about how the neighbors are "watching" her. They seem to say it's ok since she has food, running water, and a phone (which she no longer has), and neighbors around.

Another option - and it's one that is bound to enflame the custody war - is to just go get her when her mom isn't there.  Especially if the authorities won't take on the case.  I don't think any judge on earth is going to blink twice at that.  Sometimes you just have to do what's best given the circumstances even if it isn't in accordance with a court order.  If the child is being endangered, and you act to protect her, that's just doing what you have to do. 

We've even done this before. It resulted in false allegations of DV and an attempt by uBPDbm to get a RO because DH was trying to "kidnap" SD10 (thrown out in court, but still costing us $6000 to defend against). This was the first day, last spring, that SD(then)9 was left home alone.

[DreamGirl]

Frustrating that she's being left home alone. It's also tough because CPS doesn't seem to be concerned with the idea. You've gone that route and there isn't a lot of options when they don't agree with you.

It's also really hard when the other side won't communicate with you.

Did she give any reasons as to why she turned SD's phone off?

Is it possible for you to purchase a phone for her?

Here's the hard part that I learned the hard way... .

There is a very low bar when it comes to this stuff and for reasons that aren't always so apparent to those of us with a different kind of common sense. You're learning that "bad parenting" is a really subjective term and it's not the same as "unfit parenting". Leaving a child home alone at 10 doesn't seem like any kind of solution to mom's financial woes, especially when mom is receiving childcare reimbursement as part of her child support. However, having volunteered in the court system as a children's advocate for abused and neglected children -- leaving a child home alone for a few hours a day with a neighbor readily available isn't even against the law. In my state, it's based solely on the maturity of the child.  

It's a hard pill to swallow (and I'm not trying to force it) but it's our own [high] standards and emotional involvement that keep us from seeing our situations in a grounded way. I was appalled when my husband's ex pulled the girls from school to pick up her convicted felon boyfriend (who had just been released from a three year prison term) and moved him into her home with my three beautiful stepdaughters, all under the age of 8.

Emergency hearing for change of custody.

Denied. Boyfriend never committed a crime against a child. The hard lesson learned. The Judges and court system are not emotionally invested and they leave the decision to who you want to bring your children around in the hands of the parents.

I also learned that my stepdaughters' mom gets really defensive (and difficult) when she's feeling threatened as far as her parenting skills. She goes into a "well, I'll show you."

And she stops taking calls. She stops doing what the court orders say. She stops consulting about relevant issues. You can't force her hand in anything you do. The more you push, the lower she hits below the belt.

I know you're going to have a Custody Evaluation. Mom leaving her home unattended will help in that arena -- as far as showing that you're willing to help in having her be attended. It's a parenting value at this point (not a legal one) --- you think she should be under someone's care, she doesn't think it's necessary.

Is there a way to compromise a solution in this? Present it more as "we know mom works and is OK with SD being home alone. We'd prefer that she wasn't but know that it's her parenting time. We'd be willing to pick up/drop her off everyday so she doesn't have to be alone."

In my experience, it really helps when the conflict is only coming from one direction. If you have reasonable solutions and a willingness to accommodate, the professionals will see that. When you become problem focused with your only solution is to ostracize the other parent, they see that too.  

[Swiggle]

It is so frustrating when values and rules are very different between homes, we went through something similar with my DH's ex.

Are kids are SD 12, DD11, SS 7.5 and DS 7. Last year when they were each a year younger we decided to let them ride the bus home from school instead of using after school care. Partly was to save money and time since we had 4 kids 2 different schools, trying to get everyone at the end of the day was stressful. The other reason was that all the kids hated being in after school care for hours until we could pick them up from about 2-5/6pm. They all liked the idea better to be able to come home, relax, start homework, have a snack, watch tv and veg out. We did this for the last few months of the year and uBPDex was not happy. She said she called the sheriffs office and that they told her we were endangering the kids for leaving them home. I called and got another story. I spoke at length to our T about it and she explained in our county there are no laws regarding leaving kids at home alone, it somewhat depends on the maturity of the kids.

As summer approached we had decided, after a long conversation with the girls about letting them all stay home during the day instead of going to camp, which they also hated going to. Mom again was not happy. She made it seem like we were endangering all of the kids and she wasn't comfortable with it.

I could understand where she was coming from but we also had to look at the situation and what we were comfortable with. I agree with the other poster that mom is being difficult and may giving you the middle finger because she can and she knows that it is upsetting you.

It really is hard when our parenting is different from the ex's. Have you spoken to your SD about this and got her thoughts, is she ok with it, does she get scared, would she rather not be left alone. If these are issues then pressing the issue from that standpoint might be more helpful than it being about your values vs. mom's values.

Even though we were leaving our kids home alone I would agree that I might not have been as comfortable if they didn't have each other, great neighbors that I could call if I needed to, dad's work being 3 miles away. Was it the absolute right thing, I'm sure for some they would cringe at our decision but it was right for us and for the kids. We made sure to keep communication open and the girls new if at any time they couldn't handle being home alone or with the boys that we would figure something else out.

My biggest concern would be more about the fact you SD doesn't have any means to make a call if an emergency arose. I would try to change that first and work the rest out, empower you SD on being safe and help her to have a plan in different situations since you can't control what mom does during her time. My sister says all the time "it is not against the law to be a ___ty parent" and I agree that these are things the courts try not to get involved in.

The hardest part is that mom is making choices not because it is what is best for your SD but because she wants to show you 

[Thunderstruck]

Did she give any reasons as to why she turned SD's phone off?

Because the child support that was just court ordered in December isn't "enough" (it's less than we were voluntarily giving her, which she thought was too little to begin with).

Is it possible for you to purchase a phone for her?

We've gone this route before... .it turned into another big conflict. uBPDbm didn't like that we bought a phone for SD10 so she bought her a "better" one (the one she just turned off). Plus we have a personal conflict with this idea... .providing a phone to enable uBPDbm to leave SD10 home alone when we disagree with SD10 being home alone to begin with.

We found out recently that uBPDbm is coming home at 8pm at night. That leaves one hour a night for her to spend time with SD10 before bed.

We contacted the L. He's going to file a motion requesting SD10 attend after care. If uBPDbm is not availble to pick up SD10 by 6pm when after care closes then we will pick her up and uBPDbm can get her from us. It doesn't interfere with the time that uBPDbm is spending with SD10 and it reduces the amount of time she's alone.

Swiggle, I appreciate your counterpoint. I know that if uBPDbm carefully made the decision, and if there were financial or other issues that lead to SD10 being a latchkey kid then I might understand her point better. It just is frustrating that her decision was made rashly and now she is sticking to it just to be contrary to our recommendations.