Anyone have experience with homeless shelters?

[Mama-san]

We made the difficult decision to move our 36 dd to the homeless shelter after a near OD and sepsis.  I'm wondering if others can share their experiences of helping their child by putting them in a safe place, albeit a shelter?  This shelter also offers an excellent recovery program.

(She can no longer live alone due to her addictions. She refuses to attend DBT or get other mental health care.  As parents we are out of options. We had provided her with an apt until recently.)

Just to be clear- we do not feel guilt.  This is new territory and would appreciate insight from those who have been here.

Thanks All.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Mama-san

I am thankful that your DD survived the OD and sepsis. Is she a willing member of this shelter community? This is often the key to staying in program - it fits the needs and desires that your DD holds for herself.

The homeless shelter programs vary from place to place. Can you share some information about the programs offered at this one for your DD? Do they provide full-time shelter - many only offer overnight housing? The shelters in our community, both the overnight shelter, the day shelter, and the growing transitional housing programs have all been available to her over the past few years. So far she is unable to have the willingness to accept the rules and restrictions. I struggle often with my powerlessness with the outcomes. I will continue to support the opportunities though.

My DD28 cannot manage any place we have provided her for housing - our home, monthly rental, apartment lease. Within a few weeks she is asked to leave - too many people in/out of her place, too messy, smoking where not allowed, etc. She is doing OK couch surfing for now.

Hopeful that your DD can find the courage and willingness to accept all that is being offered her now.

qcr

[Mama-san]

Thank you, qcr, for your reply.  You brought up some very valid points re her willingness and the shelter programs.  It sounds as though our DDs are cut from the same cloth.

The shelter is a 24/7 facility.  Men and women separated. 3 meals a day.  Very clean and well run.  Ironically, my h and I have volunteered there over the years.  The recovery program is holistic and faith based, gets good results. The recovery program is 10-12 months long, all in the shelter and free.  Long term there will be assistance with housing. DD36 has been in much worse conditions.

Is our DD a willing partner in this? No.  We know it would be best but we are past expecting her cooperation.  She told us today that we are unfair to jerk her life away just because she had pneumonia.  When we pointed out that she had OD and she's an addict she said 'so what? it was a little relapse, just one'.  Whoa boy!  Really had to keep my tongue in check.

May there be grace enough for us all!

[qcarolr]

My DD28 expresses her delusion about having control of her addiction with statements like "mom, I only use drugs when I want to. I can quit anytime".

She has a new bf who is helping her be "more mellow" as she said in a text today. They are couch surfers right now. When she first left our house to be with him -- he was not allowed here and she violated that boundary -- she joined him in a secluded, secret camp in a culvert under an overpass. At least it was away from the homeless community she had associated with in the past. It snowed for a few days and they ended up in a friends place. They moved into a friends place and alternate that with another friends apartment.

There are some good changes with this new bf. I am prayerful that it will continue to become a stable, deeper relationship than is her pattern. She is still resisting treatment - mental health and drug abuse. She appears to be clean with her new partner.

qcr

[peace in steel town]

Yeah, I can share our experience about homeless shelters. DD used to view them with awe, and reverence, and dreamed of running away from home to go to one. When she took off the first time, and wound up staying with her brother, she bullied and badgered him into driving her down to check it out. The staff warned her about what life in there was like, and told her to go back home. This only made her want to go there even more. Well, she wound up living with her father, only to run away, get kicked out by a friend, and wind up in a shelter, where she was robbed, pushed around, and other stuff. She came back to live with us, only to run away again and couch surf, and wind up back in shelters again. Now, she wants nothing to do with shelters, and does her best to avoid them. Currently, she is staying in one for unwed mothers. She is still defiant, and constantly butting heads with staff over rules. Not much has changed. They won't let her leave, or they will take her baby away from her. In our eyes, staying in this shelter is a good thing, for dd and especially gd. DD is growing up and becoming more responsible, but glacial ice sheets move faster.     

[Mama-san]

DD is growing up and becoming more responsible, but glacial ice sheets move faster.     

Thanks for that quote, Peace in Steel Town. Very accurate.

Our local shelter is quite nice by standards yet it's no bed of roses.  We keep reminding ourselves that our DD36 is safer than being alone. 

DD36 is not doing well in the shelter due to interpersonal problems- no surprise.  Today, in her dysregulated state she wailed that she knew dad and I really wanted to lock her up and she WANTS to be locked away so why don't we just send her to the state hospital and lock her up for good.  Told her that is not an option and asked if she wants to be locked away has she considered jail or prison? It's much easier to qualify.  She got very quiet.  Then we discussed thinking in extremes. Got into some self calming breathing and wiser mind talk. 

We are hopeful she can endure one more week of orientation and then enter the recovery program which is very structured.  She can return to her old DBT group this week IF she is willing.

[qcarolr]

Mama-san

What a great job of using the DBT tools to help your D regulate herself. Seems the thought of jail got her attention -- and that she gets to choose.

Keeping her in my thoughts and prayers to make through each day. For you too.

qcr