New member/false accusations/Long post, sorry

[Woodwind]

I currently have shared physical and legal custody of my son, age 6.  I initially asked for shared custody because I wanted to give my BPD ex a chance to have a relationship with her son.  Her parenting abilities have been a slowly sinking ship and I finally decided it wasn't working and I am in the process of returning to court (scheduling conference is next month) to try and get full custody.  (The final straw was when my son's teacher approached me at Parent Day because she was concern with my son's hygiene during my ex's weeks.  Dirty nails, unbrushed teeth, dirty clothing, smelly, etc.)

The real point of this post centers around the fact that my ex had a son from a previous relationship when I met her.  The boy's father was dead and I became father figure to him, but never formally adopted him.  After we separated my ex joined the military for about a year (she was eventually discharged for a suicide attempt and PD diagnosis).  During her time in the military I agreed to care for both my bio son and my stepson.  I postponed the divorce during this time specifically so that she could enlist.  I was naive and thought that if she could secure a career then it would benefit both my son and stepson so I was trying to be helpful.  I cared for both boys alone during this time. 

After she was discharged we proceeded to complete the divorce.  I would get my son, as well as my former stepson (no custody agreement for the former stepson) every other week and then some.  Probably had them 60% of the time because she wanted to party.  As I began to get serious with someone else (my now fiancé) my ex started to reduce the amount of time she would let my former stepson come over.  The boy also started making statements like "mommy says I don't have to listen to you because you aren't my dad."  Eventually, she banned him from coming over all together.

Fast forward two years.  Now we get to the nitty gritty.

My bio son has said on a few occasions that his half-brother is no longer allowed at the home because "*half-brother* and daddy fought too much".  My mother continues to stay in contact with my ex and my mother told me that my former stepson said that I use to beat him and my son.  Just a few days ago my ex emailed and stated that my former stepson (who is now 8) was crying and told her that I use to knee him in the chest and slap him.  He also stated that I stepped on his throat because I was mad at him.  According to my ex former stepson told this all to the social worker at school (I haven't heard anything from the social worker.)  My bio son tonight mentioned that my ex was questioning his brother this past week about if I had ever hurt them and that his brother was crying and saying he couldn't remember.  The email from the ex says that the incidents took place while he was alone in my care so that time frame is anywhere from 2.5 to 4.5 years ago.

Here are my questions:

1) How in the heck do I address this with my 6 year old son?  What can I say to protect him from gas-lighting/PAS/etc.? 

2) How serious could these allegations be?  I have notified my lawyer of the emails.  What is the worst that could happen?  Has anyone experienced anything similar?

[momtara]

That's sad for both boys to be exposed to.  I'm not experienced enough to have an answer.  I wish you could be in that other boy's life on occasion.  I bet he misses you.

'Splitting' by Bill Eddy addresses the lying and false accusations in general, but specific to your situation, not sure exactly.  Maybe you slowly tell people who are on your side - your lawyer, then your therapist, then a school counselor... .until someone is able to tell her to stop alienating and gaslighting. 

[david]

Document everything you can. I have an audio recorder and a video recorder to protect myself from false allegations. Since I did that 4 years ago I haven't been accused of anything except breaking the law for recording. Recording is illegal in my state.

The social worker is required to follow up on accusations. My ex did that and they called me. I told them what was going on, read a few emails from ex to them, and offered to have them come to my residence at any time. They did nothing. My ex also took our youngest (S6 at the time) to the pediatrician accusing me of bruising our son in a rage. The pediatrician talked to S6 alone and determined there was nothing to ex's allegations. Ex insisted the doc called me to give me a warning. Ex brought it up in a custody eval and the evaluator got all the medical records. The evaluator also talked to the doc and was told that she didn't see any signs of physical abuse. Our youngest is now 11 and ex can't do that kind of stuff anymore.

Do you have evidence about sons hygiene at school ?

1) Get all the evidence you can that can disprove the allegations.

2) Get all the evidence you can to show the things ex has done including what she is currently doing.

3) Have a solution for the courts that addresses the issues. Does ex need supervised visitation and counseling ? what kind and how long ? What are the consequences if she doesn't follow the order ?

The courts do not like to take a child completely away from a parent unless the child is in physical danger that can be proven. Finding a solution that is best for the children and also lets ex have contact with them is what the courts look for.

The events of you taking care of both children while she was in the military bodes well for you. It shows that ex thought you were a good parent. Once the divorce papers were filed things changed. That timeline, with evidence, would go a long way in court. I found that having overwhelming evidence works best.

I have copies of every homework for the last two years. The boys do over 90 % of their school work when with me. Half of what they do when with their mom is incorrect or incomplete. That is a big pile of papers. I have a top sheet with everything spelled out. That sits on the top of the pile. In court, my atty gives the pile to the judge. He looks at it and hands it to ex. It is up to ex to challenge it or agree. If she challenges it and she is lying then she will not look good. If she agrees the top sheet is introduced as evidence by my atty. Judges must make their decision based on the evidence. Since my ex agreed to it she can not appeal later on.

"Probably had them 60% of the time" Do you have evidence of that ? I have calendars showing when the boys are with me and when they are at their moms. That is good enough in court since ex doesn't challenge. If you don't have something like that do you have photos for events/holidays/birthdays etc showing the children with you ? Did you take them on trips/vacations/day trips/etc. Write it all down showing your involvement.

[david]

My ex left in 2007. The first few months she used serious alienation tactics against me. I found a therapist to help me deal with it/ found this site / read Bill Eddy and other books. Our boys used to say I was evil , a monster, an alcoholic, blah blah blah . Staying calm in front of the boys and asking them for examples helped.

One day S5 said I was an evil monster. I stood up from the chair and stuck my arms out like Frankenstein. I started walking towards him saying I was a monster and was going to get him. He smiled and I chased him around the house. He loved the evil daddy monster after that. It totally diffused ex on the one. Over time I got better at it and now the boys and I have a much stronger bond. Ex still tries to alienate and it now backfires on her.

It took years to get to this point. It doesn't happen in a week or a month.

[livednlearned]

Hi Woodwind,

If your ex was formally diagnosed with a PD, that will help a lot. It sounds like she has a serious record with her discharge from the army, including a dx of PD and suicide attempt. Most of us want to work through these kinds of things without going to court, but sometimes when it gets serious like this it can require legal intervention to prevent things from getting even worse. At the very least, get ahead of it so that you aren't on the defensive. Fortunately, your ex has not made "formal" false allegations, but she is clearly winding up to something, even if it is straightforward parental alienation.

Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak is an excellent book. Your ex is using brainwashing techniques on your former stepson. That book will give you some very specific tips on how to talk to your bio son so that he understands what is happening. We don't want to put our kids in the middle, but when someone already puts them there, we have to address things swiftly and age appropriately. You can read more about parental alienation in Lesson 6 to the right ----->

I also highly recommend reading about validation. It seems like a very simple technique but it requires some practice, especially when you're using it with kids. If your son comes home with doubts about you, often it's because he is distressed and anxious about what it means for him. As adults, we often overlook the feelings behind whatever our kids say, and focus instead of defending ourselves. That won't help address what's really happening, although certainly it helps. For example, if S6 says that half-brother says you did something mean, your response would be, "When half-brother says that, how do you feel? It must feel scary for him to believe those things happened. Why do you think he believes that?"

The book Power of Validation (a book for parenting) is excellent.

Talk to your L about how to handle the BPD diagnosis, and whether you can use this as part of your attempt to get custody. My ex got a very watered down diagnosis from a forensic psychiatrist. I opted to talk to my son about there being something different with his dad instead of telling him what that diagnosis was. I didn't want him to have a label. And the label isn't what is important, it's the behaviors. The only reason it helps to have a label in our situations is that we have a little more room to talk openly about it.

And if your L thinks it's a good idea, think about talking to the school proactively. Talk to the principal, and the family specialist (usually a social worker), and the guidance counselor. Let them know that there is something going on with your ex. You aren't sure what it is, but it's serious, and it is having a significant impact on the kids. Your goal is to keep things as stable as possible. If the kids are struggling, they will need the school to nurture them. I did this with my son when he was 8 and the school was incredible. My son had an outburst and they swiftly removed him, kept him in the social worker's office, and played a game with him that was about anger. They didn't suspend him (though they could've because of the nature of the incident), and they didn't punish him. They talked to him and called me, and then he came home and we had a conversation about how he was feeling. That was the only outburst that ever happened, and he ended up developing a bond with the social worker because she handled it so well. Also, social workers will educate the teachers and principal about what is happening -- if they don't already suspect a PD, the social worker may put it in terms they can understand.

If you can, get your S6 into counseling. He's going to need someone skilled to help him work through what's happening, who to trust, etc.

Are you doing ok? It must be ripping you to pieces to have your former stepson think and say these things about you. One nice thing about having a counselor in S6's life is that you'll have access to someone skilled in understanding how kids think, and you may be able to get some helpful insights into how to interact with SS8 if that ever becomes a possibility.

Last, it's good that your mom is somewhat involved. It must be hard for her, but at least it's another set of eyes on the kids when you can't be there.