Did anyone after cutting their ex off have thoughts like this?...

[Depression = 72% of members]

After he broke up with me, and I had to cut him off and block him. I have begun my next phase in my life and have been working on me. But I can't help but now have all these thoughts about the relationship.

I always think about whether he really does exhibit traits of this disease or maybe it was just us together. If he was with someone else would all of this have happened. He wasn't the raging type I have read a lot about on these boards but after we would hang I would leave and and he would get into these little dark depressions. He called them "those days" he would shut off and I would try and leave him alone.

In the breakup he just said I'm not attracted to you this isn't going to work. I lost feelings. But he made me feel like this is normal. That breaking up so many times in a year is normal and it just is he's not that into me. This is the thought I am struggling with today. I keep blaming myself and being so hurt by his words. If he didn't want me why couldn't he have just left the first time for real.

Has anyone ever had these back and forth thoughts, wondering if they really do have this disorder or blame yourself?

Any advice would be much appreciated. I woke up devastated today

[ManyPieces]

After he broke up with me, and I had to cut him off and block him. I have begun my next phase in my life and have been working on me. But I can't help but now have all these thoughts about the relationship.

I always think about whether he really does exhibit traits of this disease or maybe it was just us together. If he was with someone else would all of this have happened. He wasn't the raging type I have read a lot about on these boards but after we would hang I would leave and and he would get into these little dark depressions. He called them "those days" he would shut off and I would try and leave him alone.

In the breakup he just said I'm not attracted to you this isn't going to work. I lost feelings. But he made me feel like this is normal. That breaking up so many times in a year is normal and it just is he's not that into me. This is the thought I am struggling with today. I keep blaming myself and being so hurt by his words. If he didn't want me why couldn't he have just left the first time for real.

Has anyone ever had these back and forth thoughts, wondering if they really do have this disorder or blame yourself?

Any advice would be much appreciated. I woke up devastated today

[jhkbuzz]

After he broke up with me, and I had to cut him off and block him. I have begun my next phase in my life and have been working on me. But I can't help but now have all these thoughts about the relationship.

I always think about whether he really does exhibit traits of this disease or maybe it was just us together. If he was with someone else would all of this have happened. He wasn't the raging type I have read a lot about on these boards but after we would hang I would leave and and he would get into these little dark depressions. He called them "those days" he would shut off and I would try and leave him alone.

Yes, it's really very common... .most of us have struggled with the "was it me?" question.  It is very, very difficult to have perspective when you're beginning to process the break up.  Things will become clearer to you over time.

Bravo to you for going no contact... .painful as it is, it is the only way to begin your healing.

If he didn't want me why couldn't he have just left the first time for real.

Eventually, that question needs to be turned around - you need to ask that question of yourself. Why did you remain in a relationship that clearly wasn't meeting your needs?

[iluminati]

I didn't have these thoughts... .mainly because I made a good faith effort to make it work post-diagnosis.  Those questions aren't there because I have all the answers I needed.  I do imagine that if I had gotten the diagnosis immediately before or after breaking up, I'd be singing a very different tune.

[hope2727]

Its been 10 months and I still think those thoughts. I think you are totally normal in this recovery process.

Usually things are 50/50 in a relationship breakdown. Not so when BPD is involved. WE try and try and compromise and compromise all in good faith and they don't comprehend that. So in the end we have to give up to save ourselves.

Don't feel to bad. Come here and read. I still do almost every day. It helps to hear that others are experiencing the same things. It wasn't you. It wasn't possible. It was stacked against you all along.

[Haye]

ManyPieces, i suppose it's rather normal and usual to be thinking and wondering, internalizing what happenend? But I doubt it's about you two together. Even though I don't know your case nor your ex his actions do sound like BPD/BPD traits. With BPD it's not that much about you, yeah of course it takes two to tango, but it's still a lot more about their wounds and how the inner scars affect your lives than about what you are or what you did.

Your ex sounds a bit like the pwBPD in my life. He has felt like the love is gone several times, with me and also before me with other girls. He has been learning to recognize when it's just depression or push-part from a push cycle. Perhaps your ex had the same issue. That might explain the roller-coaster – perhaps he actually did want you for part of the time, but that feeling just didn't carry. I've learnt that my pwBPD has and has had very deep feelings for me, but they can disappear all of sudden and he starts to believe it's time to dump me. It's complicated and straining, for both of us.

But what ever it was between you and your ex, I don't think it matters anymore? It sounds like you did a wise (and much needed) choice when you chose NC and healing from the wounds. Moving on is very good  

[ManyPieces]

Thank you for your replies, it always cheers me up a bit to know there are people out there to talk to. It's hard because my friends are sick of hearing about it and their response is usually "he's an ass, how come you don't see it"

It is true that I need to look to myself when asking some of these questions. Like why did I stay. It's strange because for this guy, I never put up with behaviour like this in relationships. You hurt me once you are gone. I think that's why I'm so hurt because I am also angry with myself.

Sometimes I read people's posts and I get confused because I often think, maybe I am the BPD, I used to get angry or upset when he would do certain things and I would "rage" but it was always be because he would hurt me or do something to lose my trust. Did anyone else ever relate to the BOD traits and think wow I also have acted like this? I  know deep down though it was a result of his behavious and losing my trust over and over and over.

The first we broke up he  did it in  way that I've never seen. Just said I was lonely, you say sorry a lot, I don't like you. When this man hunted me down and pursued me. After that I was walking on egg shells and terrrified he would walk away again. Its hard to trust someone who has walked away so many times.

[Copperfox]

Just to echo everyone else's thoughts ... .when I think back to mine, maybe she had BPD, maybe she didn't, but there was CLEARLY something off about her.  She even told me once that "she could be difficult."

In the end, those "off things" undermined the relationship.  What else can you do, you can't fundamentally change people, and it's not like he/she suddenly exhibited weird behaviors a week after meeting you (or sooner even), it's almost certain they were there long before you showed up.

I know I did my very best, tried my hardest.  Perhaps not perfect, but still.  You probably did too.  So it's good to remember to value yourself. You're the prize.  They lost you.

[hope2727]

You're the prize.  They lost you. - Copperfox

Thank you thank you thank you. 

[parisian]

Sometimes I read people's posts and I get confused because I often think, maybe I am the BPD, I used to get angry or upset when he would do certain things and I would "rage" but it was always be because he would hurt me or do something to lose my trust. Did anyone else ever relate to the BOD traits and think wow I also have acted like this? I  know deep down though it was a result of his behavious and losing my trust over and over and over.

People with BPD can't self reflect on their own behaviour - it causes them too much emotional pain to do so. Someone can display traits of BPD but not necessarily have it although in wondering if you do, it's probably pretty safe to say you do not.  I think many of us get frustrated or upset in their treatment of us. It's so frustrating to try and have logical conversations with them - they can't reason about emotional things or the relationship, and that is the difficult part. That frustration can sometimes turn into anger, and then we feel bad because we haven't been able to handle our emotions and responded in a way that we normally would not.

It's great to keep posting on here. Sometimes our friends and family don't and can't understand what we went through, so keep posting and reading . Also try writing things out in a journal. It's suprising how theraputic that can be.

[going places]

After he broke up with me, and I had to cut him off and block him. I have begun my next phase in my life and have been working on me. But I can't help but now have all these thoughts about the relationship.

I always think about whether he really does exhibit traits of this disease or maybe it was just us together. If he was with someone else would all of this have happened. He wasn't the raging type I have read a lot about on these boards but after we would hang I would leave and and he would get into these little dark depressions. He called them "those days" he would shut off and I would try and leave him alone.

For years, I made "excuses" for the ex.

For years, I put the blame on me.

For years, I allowed him to manipulate me.

For years, I tried to rescue / save him.

For years, I cleaned up all his "messes".

For years, I didn't realize I was being abused.

In the breakup he just said I'm not attracted to you this isn't going to work. I lost feelings. But he made me feel like this is normal. That breaking up so many times in a year is normal and it just is he's not that into me. This is the thought I am struggling with today. I keep blaming myself and being so hurt by his words. If he didn't want me why couldn't he have just left the first time for real.

This is not normal.

This is manipulation, and control.

Draw your line in the sand, and say, NO MORE.

YOU walk away. And don't look back.

Has anyone ever had these back and forth thoughts, wondering if they really do have this disorder or blame yourself?

Any advice would be much appreciated. I woke up devastated today

Yes, those thoughts tormented me for 3 years.

Those thoughts took me into some very dark places that at times, I thought I would not make it out.

ONCE I stopped focusing my thoughts on HIM and turned the thought process onto ME and making ME healthy, and changing the way I think... .THEN I started healing, detaching, seeing the abuse for what it was.

Unholy, abuse.

[SlyQQ]

personally no it was pretty clear cut

[Heldfast]

We had two therapy sessions together after she already announced her intentions to leave and had begun packing, one of them on the day she actually flew away. I offered every compromise possible, the therapist even commented, "Brianna, he is offering so much, I've seen couples married for 20 years, trying to work with each other, not even come close to offering the compromises that he's offered. What do you say to that?" She said, I have to go, I need to go find my identity." I think this is when the therapist started to realize what she was working with. My ex's actions after, running straight across country to an old ex living in Seattle (seriously that one still floors me, the Virgin Islands to Seattle in Winter) pretty much sealed the therapist's diagnosis. Of course, the ex is still avoiding communicating with the therapist, but all of us abandoned by her, not just me, but the entire group of friends, recognize her for what she is, and there is alot of anger on their parts towards her. I know there is nothing I could do, I am accepting that there is nothing I can do, in the context of her. I am trying to focus on me. When I do, the days tend to be better than when I focus on her. She, as I believed I knew her, doesn't exist.

[ManyPieces]

Reflecting back on it, I think I did mirror him and his behaviour sometimes but I think just a few cognitive distortions rather than full blown BPD. I was the consistent one, I never wanted him to leave or even thought of leaving him. I was in love. I think him pulling away scared the crap out of me and def made me act in a way that wasn't me. My friends and family often said I changed. I am not the girl I used to be. I guess this is all for the best. Still hurts but I guess cutting him off is for the best. Something's gotta give right? Thanks for all your posts I really appreciate this message board. Has helped me a lot

[jjclark]

ManyPieces, thank you for sharing this.  There's a lot of what you wrote that resonates with me.  What I can share here is that I feel it is important for us to remember where we came from, looking back at my own FOO environment I was pretty use to blaming myself for close ones' pain and misfortunes and it would come naturally that I would start by blaming myself for what occurred in my recent relationship as well. 

[Findingmysong723]

We've all had the though "maybe it was me and him (her) and I together." However, I'm dealing with a mutual friend/acquaintance is now dating him, we met through the animal shelter. I was more upset the woman decided to go out with him, since we were cool, but also because I shared my issues and feelings about the relationship with her. I have an email from her writing back to his behavior and her saying "he sounds like my Ex, you should change your number etc" Now she is dating him, hilarious... .

Seriously though, there is no way all the behavior I saw was because of me, the anxiety, the depression, the sexual issues, withdrawing, anger issues, impatience. One of the worst nights was, we were going to have sex, he had some sexual issues and he just broke, he got up and he punched a hole in the bathroom door and drove away. I was so freaked out, I didn't no what to do, I just stayed in the apartment freaked out with his pets. When my Ex came back he had lost his voice from screaming in his car. That day was very upsetting, because he was in such pain and after that he told me he wished that I had hugged him or something and told him it was okay or something like that. However, I was too freaked out, sometimes I wish that I had went over and held him but he was out of control.  I know my reaction was understandable and healthy to stay away. There is no way this kinda behavior just goes away, so the mask will fall for her and maybe she's leave or maybe she'll stay. I know her last relationship was her trying to fix her last boyfriend, so she kept the same problems, but with a different man.

Of course I was a little jealous, but mostly I more upset by her behavior because I continue to lose respect for him, so I honestly would never be with him again anyway! My Ex continues to show me who he is and it helps to really look at their relationship and almost laugh to myself that she wants that in her life.

[no_more_guilt]

Sometimes I read people's posts and I get confused because I often think, maybe I am the BPD, I used to get angry or upset when he would do certain things and I would "rage" but it was always be because he would hurt me or do something to lose my trust. Did anyone else ever relate to the BOD traits and think wow I also have acted like this? I  know deep down though it was a result of his behavious and losing my trust over and over and over.

Hi ManyPieces.  Yes, you're right, most of us (who are nonBPD) reflect on this question.  I was watching a lecture last night on YouTube by Dr. Alan Fruzzetti, and he mentioned a few significant observations (in my opinion).  Essentially, he points out that emotional dysregulation is something that affects almost everyone.  When we get super excited, or super mad, we lose control of ourselves somewhat.  This is normal.  pwBPD behave the same, but on a more extreme scale.  Also, because of the way they see the world, this then leads to behaviors which we don't normally do.  And because of extreme sensitivity to invalidation, until you know what's going on, trying to talk normally to a pwBPD in this state only escalates things.

The link is here -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kmtu-ZSqTBU

He makes especially good points at 11:26 and 21:33.

I'm not an expert, but if you're on these boards, asking that question, it's probably not you.

[christin5433]

After he broke up with me, and I had to cut him off and block him. I have begun my next phase in my life and have been working on me. But I can't help but now have all these thoughts about the relationship.

I always think about whether he really does exhibit traits of this disease or maybe it was just us together. If he was with someone else would all of this have happened. He wasn't the raging type I have read a lot about on these boards but after we would hang I would leave and and he would get into these little dark depressions. He called them "those days" he would shut off and I would try and leave him alone.

For years, I made "excuses" for the ex.

For years, I put the blame on me.

For years, I allowed him to manipulate me.

For years, I tried to rescue / save him.

For years, I cleaned up all his "messes".

For years, I didn't realize I was being abused.

In the breakup he just said I'm not attracted to you this isn't going to work. I lost feelings. But he made me feel like this is normal. That breaking up so many times in a year is normal and it just is he's not that into me. This is the thought I am struggling with today. I keep blaming myself and being so hurt by his words. If he didn't want me why couldn't he have just left the first time for real.

This is not normal.

This is manipulation, and control.

Draw your line in the sand, and say, NO MORE.

YOU walk away. And don't look back.

Has anyone ever had these back and forth thoughts, wondering if they really do have this disorder or blame yourself?

Any advice would be much appreciated. I woke up devastated today

Yes, those thoughts tormented me for 3 years.

Those thoughts took me into some very dark places that at times, I thought I would not make it out.

ONCE I stopped focusing my thoughts on HIM and turned the thought process onto ME and making ME healthy, and changing the way I think... .THEN I started healing, detaching, seeing the abuse for what it was.

Unholy, abuse.

Thanks for your strength it's definetly a process almost a brainwash that u were always the problem and because you went along with it you actually made yourself unconsciously believe it so to keep the pwBPD ok with thier existence . It became a norm kinda insane now 2 months post b/u . I took a leap during the holidays to " not budge" I wasn't going to accept this bashing threats and no win conflicts for one more second and I shut down ... .It was over when I chose this path ... .She tried for over 2 weeks to break me down ... verbally mentally and emotionally it was brutal. I went silent and stood my ground I don't know what came over me but I was on some sort of automatic pilot. Oh well a proces

[apollotech]

ManyPieces, please don't beat yourself up about the demise of your relationship. I, as many on these boards have, have gone through the same thought process that you are going through: "was it me, was I not good enough, could I have done more, am I the one with a disorder," etc. The answer is no, you're not the one with the disorder. If you were, you wouldn't be asking yourself these questions. The questions that you're asking of yourself require self reflection. In my very humble opinion, that's a "gift" that is just simply beyond a BPD's abilities. Hope2727 said it best:

"Usually things are 50/50 in a relationship breakdown. Not so when BPD is involved. WE try and try and compromise and compromise all in good faith and they don't comprehend that. So in the end we have to give up to save ourselves [itallics mine]."

[apollotech]

ManyPieces, please don't beat yourself up about the demise of your relationship. I, as many on these boards have, have gone through the same thought process that you are going through: "was it me, was I not good enough, could I have done more, am I the one with a disorder," etc. The answer is NO, you're not the one with the disorder. If you were, you wouldn't be asking yourself those questions. The questions that you're asking of yourself require self reflection. In my very humble opinion, that's a "gift" that is just simply beyond a BPD's abilities. Hope2727 said it best:

"Usually things are 50/50 in a relationship breakdown. Not so when BPD is involved. WE try and try and compromise and compromise all in good faith and they don't comprehend [emphasis mine] that. So in the end we have to give up to save ourselves [emphasis mine]."

[expos]

I always think about whether he really does exhibit traits of this disease or maybe it was just us together. If he was with someone else would all of this have happened.

You will realize it is not you when you date someone who isn't crazy.  The quality relationship I have now is proof of that, as I'm with a woman now who isn't as nearly as moody, disrespectful, ungrateful, bratty, and selfish.

Once you date that normal person, your life completely changes. 

[cloudten]

Its been 10 months and I still think those thoughts. I think you are totally normal in this recovery process.

Usually things are 50/50 in a relationship breakdown. Not so when BPD is involved. WE try and try and compromise and compromise all in good faith and they don't comprehend that. So in the end we have to give up to save ourselves.

Don't feel to bad. Come here and read. I still do almost every day. It helps to hear that others are experiencing the same things. It wasn't you. It wasn't possible. It was stacked against you all along.

ugh 10 months? it sucks to think that i never really had a shot.