Making Plans

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Why are they (BPD's) so against making plans?

My uBPDbf wants to go somewhere that is 2 1/2hrs. away this weekend.  I have my D9 this weekend and we have 2 dogs, so to go somewhere and spend the night I need to make plans.  My uBPDbf started the conversation that he was going away, I was okay with that.  Then he tried to turn the texting into an argument, about how he was compromising.  I didn't bite!  whoo hoo!  Anyways, so I said I would go, BUT I needed details, like time leaving, where staying, time returning, who going.  That way I could plan for someone to take care of my D9 and the dogs overnight.  So, I text him all the info.  His response... ."Ya know... .it seems like too much trouble. Don't worry about it."  Are you f***ing kidding me!  I compromise and I'm the one making the plans and in actuality you really didn't want me to go, unless I said "Okay, whatever you say!"

So, I just responded with "It's not too much trouble, just need to plan."  So, I then ask since now I don't have to go... ."Are you going then?, When?"  His response "If I do it will be Friday... .that is when everyone else is leaving."

From what I gathered... .after 2hrs. of texting is that he really only wanted to go on his terms!  And on Friday!

[FigureIt]

Why are they (BPD's) so against making plans?

My uBPDbf wants to go somewhere that is 2 1/2hrs. away this weekend.  I have my D9 this weekend and we have 2 dogs, so to go somewhere and spend the night I need to make plans.  My uBPDbf started the conversation that he was going away, I was okay with that.  Then he tried to turn the texting into an argument, about how he was compromising.  I didn't bite!  whoo hoo!  Anyways, so I said I would go, BUT I needed details, like time leaving, where staying, time returning, who going.  That way I could plan for someone to take care of my D9 and the dogs overnight.  So, I text him all the info.  His response... ."Ya know... .it seems like too much trouble. Don't worry about it."  Are you f***ing kidding me!  I compromise and I'm the one making the plans and in actuality you really didn't want me to go, unless I said "Okay, whatever you say!"

So, I just responded with "It's not too much trouble, just need to plan."  So, I then ask since now I don't have to go... ."Are you going then?, When?"  His response "If I do it will be Friday... .that is when everyone else is leaving."

From what I gathered... .after 2hrs. of texting is that he really only wanted to go on his terms!  And on Friday!

[Lucky Jim]

Hi FigureIt, I doubt that you were ever part of his plans for the weekend.  You seem to be straining to make your r/s work.  What would happen if you stopped doing summersaults and let your r/s unfold naturally, the way it is supposed to?  LuckyJim

[FigureIt]

There have been moments when I just let it unfold and usually he "blames" me.  I let that happen this weekend, we were out with friends and I got talking and shared my opinion.  Not that it is different from him, but I was very independent.  He turned the entire night into I was flirting with a stranger at the bar.  I was pretty sure that was all BullS**t, but I'm friends with the bartender so I just checked with her.  She said "No way was I flirting, but it was obvious that my uBPDbf was not happy with me sharing my opinion."

I happened to see him home at lunch and when I said "I compromised to go this weekend", his response was "I had too many restrictions on it."  "He wants to have freedom."  I just clearly stated when you have a child that is 9 you don't have a lot of freedom and actually I have more freedom then most parents because my d9 goes to her dad's every other weekend.

He wants to go... .Fine!  But he's not going to make me feel guilty about it!  And that is what he wants.

Even after the going away conversation was done, then he states how he needs to talk to his therapist to get off his chest "How we battled this weekend."  We "batttled" (verbally) because I would own his claim of flirting when that is NOT in any way what I did.

[FigureIt]

You seem to be straining to make your r/s work. 

I'm straining to exist and try, because he won't leave and we own a house together and I am not uprouting a 9yr. old from her home.  I need to be financially secure and transition when it is beneficial to her.  (ex. summer when no school, preferably after 5th grade.)

So, I try, but as my counselor said they are like a hollow leg, BPD's take, take, take, take.  When I don't give to the take then I get a form of a rage response.  Like the accusation of flirting.

[eyvindr]

Sheesh. Sorry your going through this, FigureIt. I tend to agree with Lucky Jim, in terms of how I'd choose to respond to this, if it were me.

But, it's not me -- it's you. I'm not in your shoes. Really, you have to just determine what is and what isn't acceptable to you in a r-ship -- and your BF needs to do the same. I see way too many people in my life doing what looks to me like trying to change their partners' behaviors, opinions, expectations -- heck, even their basic personalities -- in order to "get" the r-ship they want with the partner they want when, sometimes, sad to say -- it's just a mismatch. Maybe it worked at one point, but it stopped. Or maybe it was just a mistake -- some initial sparks that weren't necessarily meant to go anywhere. Who knows.

I don't mean to sound negative, or to discourage you. I just know that, from my own experience with my ex, this kind of stuff happened all the time -- and all it ended up doing in the end was exhausting me and driving me away from her. For instance, she'd demand to be invited to social events -- which she didn't have to demand, as she was always invited -- but even if I already *knew* ahead of time that she wasn't available to meet up with a group of people having a casual dinner, she'd insist that I invite her. So, I did -- and she'd accept, and then make an excuse for not coming, or say she would come, but not until later -- when everyone would be on their way home -- or she'd decline to go, and then get mad at me for going on my own. Any way you cut it, you lose, because if someone has BPD, it's not about the plan, it's about getting reality to conform to a wish that they feel -- if that makes any sense.

And any time I ever attended any social event without her -- even if it was an annual office picnic! -- I was accused of flirting or otherwise being interested in people other than her. Well, guess what? -- as a result of this crazy-making behavior, I left, and now I AM interested in other people. I guess in the end she got her wish -- reality became a reflection of what she kept insisting it was. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey eyvindr, You said that well.  I like how you articulated the Lose/Lose proposition regarding social events in a BPD r/s.  Damned if you do; damned if you don't.  As you note, it's exhausting and ultimately leads to resentment.

FigureIt, Sorry to hear about your situation, which I understand is extremely challenging.  I can relate to that "hollow leg" your T describes, which is like a black hole in which it's easy to lose oneself.

Hang in there,

LuckyJim

[FigureIt]

Thank you Eyvindr & LuckyJim,

It is helpful to know I am not alone.  I really don't think the relationship will last.  I am trying to stay at an even keel I guess.  But sometimes I just refuse to say sorry for something I know I didn't do.  Like the accusation of flirting.

In regards to him going away... .I really feel "GO!"  I don't care if he does a guys weekend.  But don't try to lay a guilt trip on me.

My ex-husband is a narcassist and could be verbally abusive, BUT he never once made accusations of me cheating or didn't trust me.

[eyvindr]

FigureIt,

I know. I'm sorry.   Hang in there.