staying or leaving

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 

I am torn as to which direction to go in. I've been in a 9 year relationship and recently had him removed from my home as he spiraled out of control. I have two children, one away at college and the other getting ready to leave for college. They have both made it clear that they don't want me involved with him. Of course, it is my choice at the end of the day, but I have a wonderful relationship with my children and am distraught at the thought of them losing respect for me. The friends I have confided in have said things like "shame on me if I go back". I love my partner but don't know if I have the strength and patience to deal with his tormenting illness. I love him dearly and when i try to imagine life without him forever, I feel great pain. I am at a crossroad. Do I invest more time, only ultimately to decide I truly cannot live this way? i continue to take each day as it comes but have no clear path, which is tormenting me. Everywhere I turn, everyone is telling me to runaway, including a therapist I just starting seeing. I am told that I have real issues for even considering staying in this relationship. I guess I am looking for some insight. I've read Walking on Eggshells and several other books years ago and obviously was not successful. Any thoughts?

[laketha]

 

I am torn as to which direction to go in. I've been in a 9 year relationship and recently had him removed from my home as he spiraled out of control. I have two children, one away at college and the other getting ready to leave for college. They have both made it clear that they don't want me involved with him. Of course, it is my choice at the end of the day, but I have a wonderful relationship with my children and am distraught at the thought of them losing respect for me. The friends I have confided in have said things like "shame on me if I go back". I love my partner but don't know if I have the strength and patience to deal with his tormenting illness. I love him dearly and when i try to imagine life without him forever, I feel great pain. I am at a crossroad. Do I invest more time, only ultimately to decide I truly cannot live this way? i continue to take each day as it comes but have no clear path, which is tormenting me. Everywhere I turn, everyone is telling me to runaway, including a therapist I just starting seeing. I am told that I have real issues for even considering staying in this relationship. I guess I am looking for some insight. I've read Walking on Eggshells and several other books years ago and obviously was not successful. Any thoughts?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Laketha, 

Welcome.  You have come to a great place for insight. 

I am sorry that you are at a crossroads and in pain.     I understand how you could feel unsure of whether or not you want to continue your relationship with your person with BPD (pwBPD). It can be very difficult making a decision.

I understand how many people in your life can be very influencing and telling to leave your relationship. Although, the decision on whether to stay or leave should be based on your own objective views and opinions.

There are ways to improve your relationship with a pwBPD.  This site provides tools for improving communication and learning how to resolve conflict more efficiently.

On the other hand, take a moment to examine the reality of the disorder. If you decide that you cannot cope or deal with many of the behaviors associated with BPD, then that might influence your decision.

Take some time to read the lessons on the right side of this board. It will help guide you in the right direction.

I have a couple of questions that may help with your indecision.

Has your SO been diagnosed or in treatment?

Have you spoken to him about the disorder?

What types of behaviors is he displaying that you are having a hard time coping with?