SIL With Possible BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello,

This is a long one, but I am writing because I have been dealing with being split black by my boyfriend's sister. The major fallout came as a result of a rage she went into on a "girl's night" I was invited to last year when my boyfriend went camping with his brother and brother in law. I went out to his brother's house to hang out with his wife, the SIL in question, her mom, and the other SIL's mom and nephews. Everything came unglued after I called her on a passive aggressive comment she appeared to be making. She screamed at me, her other brother's wife, her baby, and then physically assaulted her mom after tearing into her. My literal words that unglued her came after her sister in law and mom were discussing my BF's exes at length, and I was getting very uncomfortable with the topic of conversation. At one point, uBPD SIL was going on about a very beautiful ex he had at length, and I began to feel that the intention was to suggest he had taken a step down. Hoping for reassurance I said: "This is making me uncomfortable because it sounds like you're saying BF took a step down with me" and I expected only that she'd clarify what she meant. I saw her face change and she became extremely cold and then attacked. I've never seen that look in anyone's eyes. She attacked me verbally for a lengthy period where I got no words in, was sworn at, told that she didn't like me, that I thought I was "up here" (motioning above her head) and that I have all the power but that I don't, and that she'd better like who her brother dates because no one was coming between her and her brother. I was told my family was ___ed up (with a finger waving in my face) and that my mom was mentally ill (an extreme exaggeration of something I once told her in confidence), she revealed my own visits to a therapist for an anxiety disorder, stormed around calling me a "F*cking drama queen", that I was not part of her family and that he may not marry me, screamed at me to leave, and when I told her I couldn't (I was an hour out of town and had been driven there) she shut the ligths off and slammed the door on me leaving me in a darkened room. This is only a snippet of the hour rage. The other SIL was telling me that I will find this happens from time to time, that  SIL has a "Strong personality" and that accepting it is part of being in the family. The mom characterized her as acting like a "psycho" (she was screeching and completely unhinged) and she then laid into her mom for her failures as a parent and then I heard her beating her up. I was in the room at this point completely in shock by what had happened and wanted to call the police but didn't know the address.

I called my sister in another province to make sure I had a witness since I genuinely thought I was going to be physically attacked for starting everything since she was screaming "I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!"

What I believe happened is that I called her on something, and she panicked because she thought I would go to my BF and repeat what she'd said, and he calls her on these things. She thought this because back when we started dating, her and I were friends (we met at work), and she became distant when I started dating her brother, despite pushing for it, knowing we'd be a good match. She would seem really annoyed with me and became distant. I was invited to his mom's birthday by my BF and she e-mailed me the day of and advised me it'd be better if I didn't come. Thinking it might be a family matter, I tried to reassure her and tried to figure out if it was embarassment that would keep her from not having me over, and she said it wasn't. So I went to my boyfriend and told him that she had asked me not to come and that I felt uneasy coming. I was feeling let down since she was claiming it was not a family issue that provoked her to ask me not to come.

He confronted her about this, saying I was his guest and she had no right to uninvite me, and I guess she lost it. Her mom cried knowing that her daughter had interfered (likely out of embaressment over her, I later found out) and so she blamed her mom crying on me, and threw her husband's x-box controller in anger. From then on, I went from being on a pedestal, to being ignored at family functions. She was encouraged to be nice to me by the family, and so made an effort, but I always knew something was wrong and can clearly see she was harbouring a grudge for a year. This grudge came out when I tried to address the comment she made the night of the incident, I feel, as a way to deflect the attention off of her. She made it clear she feels I am turning her brother against her, but I feel that SHE is trying to get between us.

I had to call my brother to pick me up and he made the 1 hour ride at 3 in the morning.

Having been screamed at and humiliated, I didn't respond when she sent an apology the next day. The family completely made excuses for it "she was stressed", "you don't know what her mom said", "family forgives" before I got any sort of apology, so I was extremely upset. I did eventually respond and said we could meet to talk, but by the time she came back to work off of maternity leave a month later, I asked her if she'd like to meet to talk and her reaction was that she was busy with all of her work friends, so not any time soon. Then she told me to "remind me if she forgot".

I was slighted by this because I thought she was sorry, but let it go. The next day when she caused a scene at work, I had to leave my desk. I was short-staffed and so I was dealing wit the people in front of me. When I didn't answer my phone quickly enough, she barged upstairs, cut in line and accused me of ignoring her purposely. This was all over a fax that could have been sent even the next day, by no means anything urgent. I was in no way ignoring her. I almost had a full-blown panic attack and had to leave my desk to call someone.

When my boyfriend called her that night, she lost it, told him he could be like the other sister she's cut out of her life, and hung up. The two have them have not spoken since (a year later).

I had offered yet again to talk since and there is absolutely no interest.

What makes it hard is that she is the matriarch of the family and a lot centers around her. So we don't see my BF's mom anymore since she caretakes a lot for this SIL and her baby, and rarely are we invited to a family event at his brother's family's without her also going to be there, and I don't feel safe around her for obvious reasons. I have had to switch jobs to manage my anxiety and not have to deal with her.

This girl can be extremely charming and doting and when I met her, I thought she was so sweet. She is very popular. I think if I told anyone at work, they would not believe this. She is also very good at playing the victim and has managed to convince the other SIL that I was "up to something" the entire year before she blew up, something I have no idea where it came from. So that SIL is uneasy around me now, too.

The BIL is not taking sides, he says, but he does favour this SIL over my BF, who tends to be kind of a "lost child" in his family.

I was diagnosed with PTSD after the incident, and have been getting better. My BF has been 100% on my side which makes it helpful. But the BIL wants to brush everything under the rug and just force us back together and I've insisted that will not work for me, as I feel the rage will be even stronger now. He thinks we should because "family forgives" but she doesn't think she has a serious problem. He downplays a lot of it.

My issue is that the fall-out from this has made it 50/50. We're just as responsible, apparently, and the BIL's family has heard numerous things about me from the SIL that I have no wayto counter. I have never had this relationship with my in-laws, and it is disappointing because I see a future with my BF.

My psychologist said based on what I had told him that he would suspect narcissistic or borderline personality disorder. He's said I am being scapegoated. I can't diagnose her, but she does display a lot of the typical behaviour.

I am having a really hard time being split black, and the fall-out that's happened with the family. This SIL is a charming, pathological liar and I am concerned about what she's told the family.

But what's worse is that the family doesn't see her as having serious issues (the mother has admitted she's "spoiled" but she is a very codependent with alcohol issues and guilt surrounding that) so I worry I end up looking bad or having intentions I do not have.

I understand the SIL buddied up with the other sister in law for a while after I left, but then turned on her calling her a "fat dirty cow" and avoids visiting them now too. So I know she's angry period, but there's been a lot of pressure put on me to "forgive" to put the family back together by the brother's family.

How do you deal with being split black?

[hazel29]

Hello,

This is a long one, but I am writing because I have been dealing with being split black by my boyfriend's sister. The major fallout came as a result of a rage she went into on a "girl's night" I was invited to last year when my boyfriend went camping with his brother and brother in law. I went out to his brother's house to hang out with his wife, the SIL in question, her mom, and the other SIL's mom and nephews. Everything came unglued after I called her on a passive aggressive comment she appeared to be making. She screamed at me, her other brother's wife, her baby, and then physically assaulted her mom after tearing into her. My literal words that unglued her came after her sister in law and mom were discussing my BF's exes at length, and I was getting very uncomfortable with the topic of conversation. At one point, uBPD SIL was going on about a very beautiful ex he had at length, and I began to feel that the intention was to suggest he had taken a step down. Hoping for reassurance I said: "This is making me uncomfortable because it sounds like you're saying BF took a step down with me" and I expected only that she'd clarify what she meant. I saw her face change and she became extremely cold and then attacked. I've never seen that look in anyone's eyes. She attacked me verbally for a lengthy period where I got no words in, was sworn at, told that she didn't like me, that I thought I was "up here" (motioning above her head) and that I have all the power but that I don't, and that she'd better like who her brother dates because no one was coming between her and her brother. I was told my family was ___ed up (with a finger waving in my face) and that my mom was mentally ill (an extreme exaggeration of something I once told her in confidence), she revealed my own visits to a therapist for an anxiety disorder, stormed around calling me a "F*cking drama queen", that I was not part of her family and that he may not marry me, screamed at me to leave, and when I told her I couldn't (I was an hour out of town and had been driven there) she shut the ligths off and slammed the door on me leaving me in a darkened room. This is only a snippet of the hour rage. The other SIL was telling me that I will find this happens from time to time, that  SIL has a "Strong personality" and that accepting it is part of being in the family. The mom characterized her as acting like a "psycho" (she was screeching and completely unhinged) and she then laid into her mom for her failures as a parent and then I heard her beating her up. I was in the room at this point completely in shock by what had happened and wanted to call the police but didn't know the address.

I called my sister in another province to make sure I had a witness since I genuinely thought I was going to be physically attacked for starting everything since she was screaming "I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!"

What I believe happened is that I called her on something, and she panicked because she thought I would go to my BF and repeat what she'd said, and he calls her on these things. She thought this because back when we started dating, her and I were friends (we met at work), and she became distant when I started dating her brother, despite pushing for it, knowing we'd be a good match. She would seem really annoyed with me and became distant. I was invited to his mom's birthday by my BF and she e-mailed me the day of and advised me it'd be better if I didn't come. Thinking it might be a family matter, I tried to reassure her and tried to figure out if it was embarassment that would keep her from not having me over, and she said it wasn't. So I went to my boyfriend and told him that she had asked me not to come and that I felt uneasy coming. I was feeling let down since she was claiming it was not a family issue that provoked her to ask me not to come.

He confronted her about this, saying I was his guest and she had no right to uninvite me, and I guess she lost it. Her mom cried knowing that her daughter had interfered (likely out of embaressment over her, I later found out) and so she blamed her mom crying on me, and threw her husband's x-box controller in anger. From then on, I went from being on a pedestal, to being ignored at family functions. She was encouraged to be nice to me by the family, and so made an effort, but I always knew something was wrong and can clearly see she was harbouring a grudge for a year. This grudge came out when I tried to address the comment she made the night of the incident, I feel, as a way to deflect the attention off of her. She made it clear she feels I am turning her brother against her, but I feel that SHE is trying to get between us.

I had to call my brother to pick me up and he made the 1 hour ride at 3 in the morning.

Having been screamed at and humiliated, I didn't respond when she sent an apology the next day. The family completely made excuses for it "she was stressed", "you don't know what her mom said", "family forgives" before I got any sort of apology, so I was extremely upset. I did eventually respond and said we could meet to talk, but by the time she came back to work off of maternity leave a month later, I asked her if she'd like to meet to talk and her reaction was that she was busy with all of her work friends, so not any time soon. Then she told me to "remind me if she forgot".

I was slighted by this because I thought she was sorry, but let it go. The next day when she caused a scene at work, I had to leave my desk. I was short-staffed and so I was dealing wit the people in front of me. When I didn't answer my phone quickly enough, she barged upstairs, cut in line and accused me of ignoring her purposely. This was all over a fax that could have been sent even the next day, by no means anything urgent. I was in no way ignoring her. I almost had a full-blown panic attack and had to leave my desk to call someone.

When my boyfriend called her that night, she lost it, told him he could be like the other sister she's cut out of her life, and hung up. The two have them have not spoken since (a year later).

I had offered yet again to talk since and there is absolutely no interest.

What makes it hard is that she is the matriarch of the family and a lot centers around her. So we don't see my BF's mom anymore since she caretakes a lot for this SIL and her baby, and rarely are we invited to a family event at his brother's family's without her also going to be there, and I don't feel safe around her for obvious reasons. I have had to switch jobs to manage my anxiety and not have to deal with her.

This girl can be extremely charming and doting and when I met her, I thought she was so sweet. She is very popular. I think if I told anyone at work, they would not believe this. She is also very good at playing the victim and has managed to convince the other SIL that I was "up to something" the entire year before she blew up, something I have no idea where it came from. So that SIL is uneasy around me now, too.

The BIL is not taking sides, he says, but he does favour this SIL over my BF, who tends to be kind of a "lost child" in his family.

I was diagnosed with PTSD after the incident, and have been getting better. My BF has been 100% on my side which makes it helpful. But the BIL wants to brush everything under the rug and just force us back together and I've insisted that will not work for me, as I feel the rage will be even stronger now. He thinks we should because "family forgives" but she doesn't think she has a serious problem. He downplays a lot of it.

My issue is that the fall-out from this has made it 50/50. We're just as responsible, apparently, and the BIL's family has heard numerous things about me from the SIL that I have no wayto counter. I have never had this relationship with my in-laws, and it is disappointing because I see a future with my BF.

My psychologist said based on what I had told him that he would suspect narcissistic or borderline personality disorder. He's said I am being scapegoated. I can't diagnose her, but she does display a lot of the typical behaviour.

I am having a really hard time being split black, and the fall-out that's happened with the family. This SIL is a charming, pathological liar and I am concerned about what she's told the family.

But what's worse is that the family doesn't see her as having serious issues (the mother has admitted she's "spoiled" but she is a very codependent with alcohol issues and guilt surrounding that) so I worry I end up looking bad or having intentions I do not have.

I understand the SIL buddied up with the other sister in law for a while after I left, but then turned on her calling her a "fat dirty cow" and avoids visiting them now too. So I know she's angry period, but there's been a lot of pressure put on me to "forgive" to put the family back together by the brother's family.

How do you deal with being split black?

[hazel29]

I should clarify that after the initial incident with his mother's birthday, I did offer to meet and chat to smooth over the misunderstanding. I apologized to her for misunderstanding (even though it was denied in her e-mail). I thought things were ok. When she ignored me again, I offered to meet again, and she claimed there was nothing wrong, so we never did.

[clljhns]

  hazel29,

She attacked me verbally for a lengthy period where I got no words in, was sworn at, told that she didn't like me, that I thought I was "up here" (motioning above her head) and that I have all the power but that I don't, and that she'd better like who her brother dates because no one was coming between her and her brother. I was told my family was ___ed up (with a finger waving in my face) and that my mom was mentally ill (an extreme exaggeration of something I once told her in confidence), she revealed my own visits to a therapist for an anxiety disorder, stormed around calling me a "F*cking drama queen", that I was not part of her family and that he may not marry me, screamed at me to leave, and when I told her I couldn't (I was an hour out of town and had been driven there) she shut the ligths off and slammed the door on me leaving me in a darkened room. This is only a snippet of the hour rage. The other SIL was telling me that I will find this happens from time to time, that  SIL has a "Strong personality" and that accepting it is part of being in the family. The mom characterized her as acting like a "psycho" (she was screeching and completely unhinged) and she then laid into her mom for her failures as a parent and then I heard her beating her up. I was in the room at this point completely in shock by what had happened and wanted to call the police but didn't know the address.

Wow! This is terrible! I am so sorry that you were subjected to such terrible behavior by SIL! I am surprised that none of the other family members present didn't intervene on your behalf or mom's. This had to be terrifying!

The BIL is not taking sides, he says, but he does favour this SIL over my BF, who tends to be kind of a "lost child" in his family.

What does your BF say about SIL's behavior? Does he give excuses as well?

How do you deal with being split black?

How much contact do you have with SIL? I would have a plan for the next family event. If SIL becomes abusive, I would leave. I would make sure that I had transportation so that I could leave. If BF does not want to leave, then perhaps you both can agree that he is to take you home if something like this happens again.

Have you read any of the material on setting boundaries? I think it is important that you establish boundaries around how you expect to be treated. I have included the link here on boundaries: https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

Let us know how you are doing.