Every family has "house rules" also known as limits. (Limits are not the same as boundaries.) One of those limits is being respectful to each other. When limits are pushed or violated conflict occurs. When we have no way to force compliance we often revert to threats or ultimatums that are damaging to the relationship and usually takes us where we really don't want to go.
Effectively handling that conflict and even avoiding it all together is what we want to accomplish.
Before we can begin to hold each other accountable for respecting limits we first need to be in a clear and balanced state of mind. Like boundaries; limits need to be clearly understood in advance of expectations for compliance. Unlike boundaries; limit setting is a cooperative effort between all members of the family. For a better understanding on setting limits please look this over:
Communicating Boundaries and LimitsWhen a limit is pushed or violated by any family member accountability needs to take place. Accountability doesn't always mean consequences decided upon and administered by us. Consequences often lead to power struggles. We want to avoid power struggles if at all possible. Threats and ultimatums (consequences) are invitations for high conflict, defiance, and melt downs. Consequences also place responsibility on us rather than the offender of the limits.
Accountability through awareness is often times the only consequence that we need to delve out. Keeping responsibility where it belongs requires us to allow our children (or other limit violators) the freedom to choose. Understanding that our children with BPD traits need high levels of validation to feel understood and cared about we can first validate their desires, feelings, wants and needs. Once they have been heard and understood we can communicate to them that they are pushing limits or violating limits (limits they had a part in setting). By using the S.E.T. format to communicate with our children (or others) we are more likely to be heard and they are more likely to feel understood. To learn more about S.E.T. please click this link:
Dont's React Respond with S.E.T.Sometimes we can guide our children to make a different choice through asking validating questions. If you have yet to master the art of validation I very highly recommend this resource:
"I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg.
When we administer "punishment" or consequences we are sometimes placing ourselves in between our child and the natural consequences of their choices. As a parent it is very very difficult to allow our children to fail and feel the pain of their choices... .and yet we need to allow this natural progression to occur. We mustn't allow our fears to cause us to be over protective nor allow our children to go undisciplined. Not every poor decision our children make will result in life long tragic consequences. Let's stay in the moment and not become fortune tellers.
Has your family sat down together and decided on what limits to set?
If your child lives outside the home and is an adult boundaries take the place of limits. Have you determined what your value based boundaries are and how you will enforce them? For more information on boundaries please read use the link below:
Boundaries Living our ValuesDuring times of potential high conflict can you be balanced enough to hold your child accountable through awareness and allow the natural consequences of their choices to be their teacher? For more information on personal skills please use this link:
Triggering, Mindfulness and WisemindWhere are you in this process? Which skills will you need before you are able to hold your child accountable without damaging the relationship?
Let's work through some familiar situations.
Please post a situation that has occurred and you did not navigate well or a potentially upcoming situation that you would like to work through in advance with other members.
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