What to do now #1

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

ok... I was advised to post on this board from staying and leaving board...

I have several threads with one being

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270982.new#new

where to begin... .

my wife is very dysregulated.  There is a history of her being physically abusive and regularly verablly abusive.  She will basically stalk me at times.  Ignore all boundaries and basically run me over to the point I have no identity.  I have no more hobbies, friends, and she wants me for most part to get rid of my job and family

At same time, she is currently jobless, both her parents died within 24 hours about 6 weeks ago and her best friend turned against her 10 weeks ago.  She is isolated and paranoid.  Constantly kicking me out of the house.  Calls upwards of 85 times one day and yelling at me.  I made two mistakes... listening to it and trying to kill myself to make it stop with a gun that misfired.  She did not care.

This is just a fast summary and everything is more complicated than that

[hurthusband]

ok... I was advised to post on this board from staying and leaving board...

I have several threads with one being

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270982.new#new

where to begin... .

my wife is very dysregulated.  There is a history of her being physically abusive and regularly verablly abusive.  She will basically stalk me at times.  Ignore all boundaries and basically run me over to the point I have no identity.  I have no more hobbies, friends, and she wants me for most part to get rid of my job and family

At same time, she is currently jobless, both her parents died within 24 hours about 6 weeks ago and her best friend turned against her 10 weeks ago.  She is isolated and paranoid.  Constantly kicking me out of the house.  Calls upwards of 85 times one day and yelling at me.  I made two mistakes... listening to it and trying to kill myself to make it stop with a gun that misfired.  She did not care.

This is just a fast summary and everything is more complicated than that

[Skip]

The death of her parents is a huge stressor... .she is going to be at her worst... .this is more than she an handle.  Apparently, she is more than you can handle - you're getting sucked into it to the extend that your firing bullets at yourself.

This is a crisis.

The hard part to hear - and I say this with heart - this is not about her, it's about you. You can't help anyone until you get in a stable place - you don't seem motivated to do that.

Why?

[hurthusband]

i am not for sure what is a stable place.  She also keeps saying she needs me and sometimes will make everything seem stable until i literally get home then completely change... i dont know what to do to get there at this point

[Skip]

I don't want to oversimplify, but what you are doing isn't working so you need to something else.

She needs support, so that probably means offering her something reasonable and at the same time taking care of you.  For example, you can tell her when you are available and not available and stick to it.  Explain that you both can't be crashing in this crisis.

But you have to want to take some action that is not easy.

Are you prepared to do something here?  Or are you going to just keep on, keeping on.

[sweetheart]

Hurthusband I in no way want to detract from the importance of the question Skip has asked you, but I am struck by your post both here and on Legal.

The reason I am struck is that sometimes when we are in chaos this can be reflected in our words and our actions. Your posts understandably for me reflected your chaotic situation in their words, their stuckness, their circular information.

What I notice in your post in Legal, but particularly your post on here, is the brief, 'to the point', clear presentation of your situation. This is not something I have seen you do until now and for me it conveys an element of control over your immediate world, you.

Sometimes when things around us are at their most complicated, breaking the crisis down into very basic, simple components, like a to do list can help you focus.

I wonder in being helped to move quite literally to another board whether this might help you move emotionally, help bring about a way in which you are able to become 'unstuck' in this emotionally disabling situation with your wife.

So what would be no.1 on your 'to do' list?

[momtara]

On another post, it was suggested that you talk to a local crisis counselor.  You can also tell her therapist how badly she is spiralling.  I am impressed at how you have kept things going for so long, but at the same time, you tried to hurt yourself and there were several instances in which someone almost got hurt.  That can't be good.  Someone responsible needs to help this situation, besides you.  You seem to want to calm your wife down for a few hours, but then a new problem erupts.  You need to stop letting her beat up on you and you need to do something positive.  I think you need to enlist outside help.  There are kids at stake too.  I know you want to save everyone, but you need some help from the right places.

[hurthusband]

the question is where can help come from?

as mentioned her therapist seems to not want to do anything, and her med doc seems to only give a combination of stimulants and massive depressants which seem out of whack to me

she has no family left but a sister who is not capable of handling this.  she has no friends.

she has alienated my family and hates them anyways

i am all that is left in her life.  We both know this.  The next problem is she is on DWI probation. Police involvement would be detrimental long term here.  She is down to 90 days on it. 

I am going to talk to my doctor about talking to her doctor.  i am wanting to help her but i cant help her by just changing myself and changing the world to her image, but i also am having a hard time with her changing the world around me to isolate me and make me feel crazy

i should also point out, my wife did not run over me.  She ran at my car when i was pulling away and fell down before i could stop which was a dangerous situation.  Now I do not pull away unless he is nowhere around or allowing me to.  Which is why today as bad because she simply blocked my car so i could not move which put me in a sort of hostage situation even though i needed to go in order to protect my own sanity

[Skip]

Tell your therapist you need a plan. Either for him to do it with you or for him to get you to someone to help you.

Call a crisis center. We gave you a local number. They know every single available resource in your area I can help you. They all free resource, too.

It's important to reach out to boots on the ground in your neighborhood and get help.

And then tell us about it, and will help support you in working through it.

[hurthusband]

Tell your therapist you need a plan. Either for him to do it with you or for him to get you to someone to help you.

Call a crisis center. We gave you a local number. They know every single available resource in your area I can help you. They all free resource, too.

It's important to reach out to boots on the ground in your neighborhood and get help.

And then tell us about it, and will help support you in working through it.

i mean do crisis centers just help you if you are just stubborn and idiotic and unsure like myself?  It seems its more of a therapy problem and nto a crisis

[Skip]

i mean do crisis centers just help you if you are just stubborn and idiotic and unsure like myself?  It seems its more of a therapy problem and nto a crisis

It really varies by center... .its a place to start to find help.  They know who will help you or at least point you in a direction.

Tell them you tried to shoot yourself - you will have their attention.  Tell them your wife is in emotional crisis with the death of her parents.

You never know where you will get the best help - might be a center - might be a church - you have to start calling and talking to people.  You'll learn a lot in 2 hours.

[livednlearned]

i mean do crisis centers just help you if you are just stubborn and idiotic and unsure like myself? 

This is their speciality. You are so much like the people who call they will know your story before you have finished telling it. People in a crisis as intense as yours never know if it's a crisis. Your boat is filled to the brim with water and is barely afloat, but you're trying to bail water. People who work at hotlines see this all the time. They don't care if you're stubborn or idiotic. They care that you're safe.

[momtara]

And they may have resources to help you and/or your wife without causing a problem or necessarily telling her that you called.  You should really call and say you are in a tough situation, you have a wife who's severely mentally ill, two kids, she's been suicidal before, she forces you to leave, calls you all day at work, wants you home, you want the right help, yesterday she almost hit you with the car, you have concerns but you don't want to betray her confidence.  Maybe there is someone you can talk to in the area, maybe they have suggestions on how to help.  You need to do something before someone gets hurt. 

[hurthusband]

i feel very odd about doing this, but I suppose I need to.  Wife is stoppign her therapy for awhile she says to save money.  I said please dont, but its her life

[momtara]

Uh, no, it affects you and her kids.  That's crazy.  She may never go back.

You can't do anything about it but it doesn't sound good.  She throws money away on nonsense and can't go to her therapy sessions?  She wants a $350 hotel room.

Also, you said her doc won't give you recepits for insurance reimbursement.  I don't believe that.

This person is a danger to herself and others even with therapy.  Why should you be in more than she is?

[ShadowIntheNight]

If you want to help her, i would suggest recommending a grief support group. Losing one parent is hard but losing them both in 24 hours and the possibility it was unexpected (or even if expected) is a shock to her. It would be to anyone healthy or not. Her actions may seem idiotic but from the perspective of someone who is hurting, they really aren't.

I'm sure she feels like her world has fallen apart. And I know for myself that having support and a place to cry when I was grieving was important. These kinds of things aren't something we as partners or spouses can just do something about. With a support group she can say things that she may not want anyone else to hear. And they don't cost anything. There are grief support groups all over everywhere.

[Skip]

Good idea.

[hurthusband]

yes... that is a good point... I keep recommending therapy but grief counseling with others might be good

now key is get her to listen to me

[momtara]

Outside help is pretty important right now - your T talking to her T, someone recommended by the crisis center, whatever it is.

[Waddams]

Just saw this thread.  Gun bpdfamily.com's, almost run down by cars, etc.  This is way way beyond either of your abilities to deal with you.  You both need professional help immediately.

Honestly, if I knew people personally going through these details, I'd report it to the cops.  I'd ask for a wellness check on them, give them all the details, and ask the cops to initiate whatever the process is for involuntary commitment.  I'd highly recommend you call for help, let the whole truth out when they get there, and ask for her to be taken off.  Most states have a specific phrase for it, I'd google "<my state's name> involuntary commitment procedure" and see how it's done.  It's usually a 48 or 72 compulsory hold in a psyche ward at a minimum.

Next, any booze and recreational drugs need to be removed from the house immediately.  And give your guns and ammo to someone you can trust to hold onto for a while.  You shouldn't have weapons right now.

Both of your worlds are completely shattered.  I know you and her are both hurting extremely bad.  There's help out there for crises like this.  It's time to seek out that help.  It doesn't sound like you guys are able to handle anything in a more independent fashion right now.

[Boss302]

i feel very odd about doing this, but I suppose I need to.  Wife is stoppign her therapy for awhile she says to save money.  I said please dont, but its her life

I really think you should be focusing on YOU right now.

[hurthusband]

wife actually asked to meet for lunch yesterday. i did and she was a bit rude and mean and threatening until i met her there.  Then she apologized and said she knows she is being mean and nasty and hurtful.  It was a moment of clarity i suppose for her that validated what I thought and felt... .

by time i got home though she was feeling alone and isolated and had a glass of wine at least.  She was not happy with anything.  Angry by bedtime.  I had to wake her from nightmare of being shot in the face and she couldnt sleep afterwards.  It is very scary because you can feel the tension. It is like helping a tiger get lose from barbed wire.  You are helping but know it could strike you at any moment.  She is not eating at all.  She says when she does she has instant need to get it out. so she vomits.  Her anxiety and depression are off the charts.  She was given extended release xanax with her vyvance and clonepan?  for sleep.  The anxiety is a little better but she still cannot sleep.  No food, no sleep, totally isolated she feels and its making her angry. She cannot let go of what others did to her.  She says therapy is not helping with it.  Its making her angry. 

I know this is not my fault, but its scary.  I am watching her die.  I offered her numbers to crisis hotlines which she did not want.  I mentioned in patient care, but one facility in town is horrific, and the other is where her parents died just 6 weeks ago.  Her doc wont talk to me.  I can tell she is trying to keep from focusing the anger and rage from spewing at me but its hard for her.  Out of town ones, she is scared cause insurance costs wont cover and we do not even have a credit card to put them on anymore.  So really not an option.  She needs and wants a job, but cannot function to even get to an interview at this point.  Every day only bad happens for her... today she got gasoline in her eyes trying to work with some lawn equipment that was not working at her parents to clean teh yard for her sister.

I do not know how to help her.  I am scared... but I know for now at least its not my fault.  If i leave, she is done for most likely and with the kids there.  If I stay, I am watching her die and opening up for abuse.  Meanwhile my grandfather is being moved to hospice today where my wifes mother died 2 months ago.  I have the sitution with one son and then my mothers problem.

Alot of stuff is going out of my control, but everyone is asking for my help and wanting me to have some control.  It is very frightening.  I am past point where i can be that emotionalyl comforting and so tired that applying BPD tools is becoming too stressful because I do not have energy to analyze and use them tools because they too are like walking on egghsells.

My OCD is really kicking in on all of this. My mistakes that do not even rationally affect people are causing me to be worried are causing others I care about to have bad things happen to them.  The OCD exacerbates all of this 10 fold.  I am taking top dosage of meds right now... meeting with doc constantly now...

[EaglesJuju]

I do not know how to help her.  I am scared... but I know for now at least its not my fault.  If i leave, she is done for most likely and with the kids there.  If I stay, I am watching her die and opening up for abuse.  Meanwhile my grandfather is being moved to hospice today where my wifes mother died 2 months ago.  I have the sitution with one son and then my mothers problem.

I understand how scary and overwhelming this may feel.    The best way you can help is to help yourself first. Take one thing at a time. The decision of whether to leave or stay does not need to be decided at this moment. Difficult decisions tend to be thought out easier if you take a moment to step back and look at all the angles with a clear state of mind.  When we are trying to make decisions with an unclear view, we tend to catastrophize things. Take a moment to focus on one thing at a time.

Alot of stuff is going out of my control, but everyone is asking for my help and wanting me to have some control.  It is very frightening.  I am past point where i can be that emotionalyl comforting and so tired that applying BPD tools is becoming too stressful because I do not have energy to analyze and use them tools because they too are like walking on egghsells.

It is out of your control.  The best way to have control is to have control of yourself and know your limitations. Say no to things that you cannot handle at the moment. Set boundaries with those in your life who are asking you for things that you cannot currently do at the moment.

You are important too.

[momtara]

If your therapist hasn't offered any professionals who can help, and won't alert her therapist to help her, then please please talk to a professional who will listen and get the right help. I think you worry that by reaching out, you may hurt her somehow or be seen as betraying her.  It's quite the opposite.  I think the BPD tools are only helpful if the situation is somewhat stable and not on the verge of really hurting someone.  This is a serious situation.  

Your wife may be a danger to herself and others. She hit you with the car, she has two kids in there, she has suggested suicide before and is, as you say, slowly dying.  You have a chance to help her before someone gets hurt.  She isn't sane enough to know what she wants and needs.  I understand what it's like not wanting to get authorities involved, but it will be a relief.

SInce the other stuff isn't working, can you please please talk to the crisis hotline, the psych ward of the local hosp (I did that when my mom was out of control and they had people who deal with the community?)

This hasn't been mentioned yet - do you have a chapter of NAMI in your area?  What about their national 800 number/  They're an organization for family members of those with severe mental health issues.  Some of the leaders know of professionals you can involve locally, although the leaders are volunteers and not always reachable.  They understand what you are going through.

I think you are scared to bring someone in, but the situation cannot get any worse.  Is waiting until someone dies or gets hurt a good option?  You are doing your best and you are not hurting them, but you need help.  No one could deal with this alone.

Talk to someone at school, or local health professionals, your T, someone so your wife does not get hurt or hurt others.  I don't want you to have that on your conscience.  You are a good person.  If you could tell someone the things you posted on here, then you could really solve the problem.

[hurthusband]

If your therapist hasn't offered any professionals who can help, and won't alert her therapist to help her, then please please talk to a professional who will listen and get the right help. I think you worry that by reaching out, you may hurt her somehow or be seen as betraying her.  It's quite the opposite.  I think the BPD tools are only helpful if the situation is somewhat stable and not on the verge of really hurting someone.  This is a serious situation.  

Your wife may be a danger to herself and others. She hit you with the car, she has two kids in there, she has suggested suicide before and is, as you say, slowly dying.  You have a chance to help her before someone gets hurt.  She isn't sane enough to know what she wants and needs.  I understand what it's like not wanting to get authorities involved, but it will be a relief.

SInce the other stuff isn't working, can you please please talk to the crisis hotline, the psych ward of the local hosp (I did that when my mom was out of control and they had people who deal with the community?)

This hasn't been mentioned yet - do you have a chapter of NAMI in your area?  What about their national 800 number/  They're an organization for family members of those with severe mental health issues.  Some of the leaders know of professionals you can involve locally, although the leaders are volunteers and not always reachable.  They understand what you are going through.

I think you are scared to bring someone in, but the situation cannot get any worse.  Is waiting until someone dies or gets hurt a good option?  You are doing your best and you are not hurting them, but you need help.  No one could deal with this alone.

Talk to someone at school, or local health professionals, your T, someone so your wife does not get hurt or hurt others.  I don't want you to have that on your conscience.  You are a good person.  If you could tell someone the things you posted on here, then you could really solve the problem.

Her therapist will not respond and my therapist explained that there is not alot he can do as alos his assessment of the situation is biased and thus he cannot really give an accurate conversation about her on top of what her therapist can and will talk about.  He was saying the best I can do is take care of myself and let her therapist know and call for help if needed.  I have contacted NAMI on all of this and they were completely unhelpful besides asking for money.  She did not hit me with her car.  She ran into my car with her body which is a bit nutso but she wasnt trying to actually run into it but ran towards it and fell. 

There are two psych wards in the area.  I actually do alot of business with one of them.  The municipal one is horrific.  I do alot of business and its horrible.  I have never seen ANYONE treated with therapy at all from them.  They are left to their own devices and its horribly sad.  People left sleeping on floors in their wards.  The other facility is decent and she has been in it when she attempted suicide.  The problem with it is its the same hospital that her parents died in and her grandmother almost died in before being transfered out.  The place is a nightmare for her.  I do not know that it would do very well.  That puts us in a situation of what to do and where to go though.  Both her docs (she has a psychiatrist AND a psychologist) are not really being helpful.  I really have been left on my own with her since no family neither.  Although when her family was alive they never helped

[momtara]

"and let her therapist know and call for help if needed."

So he's unwilling to call her T but he thinks you should still do it, even if the T asked you not to?  

I'm sorry to hear all this.  It sounds like you've tried to get help and you don't have a lot of great options.  Maybe someone here has a better suggestion (again, perhaps the crisis line in your area).  I really think it would provide some relief if you were able to get her forced into help, even at a hospital her parents died in... .as rough as that is, it may be better than the alternatives.

If she is taking alcohol with medicine and stuff, and you tell her T, hopefully the T will do something.  The T can't necessarily respond to you, although perhaps the T could acknkowledge getting your message if you ask her to do so.

[propunchingbag]

"and let her therapist know and call for help if needed."

So he's unwilling to call her T but he thinks you should still do it, even if the T asked you not to?  

I'm sorry to hear all this.  It sounds like you've tried to get help and you don't have a lot of great options.  Maybe someone here has a better suggestion (again, perhaps the crisis line in your area).  I really think it would provide some relief if you were able to get her forced into help, even at a hospital her parents died in... .as rough as that is, it may be better than the alternatives.

If she is taking alcohol with medicine and stuff, and you tell her T, hopefully the T will do something.  The T can't necessarily respond to you, although perhaps the T could acknkowledge getting your message if you ask her to do so.

Depending on where you live you might be able to get counseling for free from your local Hospice. Tell them your in-laws have passed and you need to talk to someone. At least that way you can get another viewpoint.

Please never try to shoot yourself again. Your life can be amazing but you need to get away from this person first. I think you know this already but its worth saying.

[hurthusband]

survived VDay... whole thing was put under more stress as my grandfather died on Friday. Anniversary on 26th

Bit out of it right now.  Vday had good moments and bad moments.  Funeral today. 

Got some information from therapist and wife on her.  Her T said that I can talk to her, and she is concerned for my wife greatly, but unless its life threatening she does not want my wife to find out and their trust be broken because my wife is not trusting as is.  That would hinder therapy.  She did say I should call 911 if I think she is in danger, and she is greatly concerned

My wife made mention that some of my fears of her and her meds are also viewed by her T. Basically all the ampethetmines her psychiatrist is perscribing, her psychologist disapproves of.

The one that really frustrates me is her psychiatrist.  There is something strange about a psychiatrist that also does botox, but she has a fancy office in a fancy part of town and I almost feels she caters to trying to make well to do women feel better and what better way than basically pushing things to improve looks and meth. 

I am sorry but amphetamines so somebody who is already under high anxiety and cannot sleep?  Also, extended release xanax to solve problems with anxiety short term is fine, but when you also have the death of two parents...   cmon.  That is not just anxiety that is severe grief and depression and xanax is not a long term solution.  There needs to be anti-depressives and long term anxiety meds.  I know this because I suffer from depression and OCD which is just anxiety at its core. 

Anyways, everything is a mess.  Also, frustrated with my mother. She did let me have on friday to be with grandmother, but I am irritated by my mothers mind.  She has no trouble offering to get my grandmother a $15k wheelchair ramp for stairs in home but will not call and offer condolensces over death of husband?  I know its her ex's parents, but she already established and says she cares for them still and it was 30+ years ago.  Just strange.  It is worth nothing my grandmother refused money because she did not want to be indebted to my mother and worries she uses that to hang over you some. 

Of course, my wife's grandmother has been in ICU now for 2 weeks so that is another matter there.

Just not ceasing... .