Did anyone else end things after a BPD recycle because you saw the signs again?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Before I tell my story, I'd like to thank everyone on this forum for everything. Reading about people's experiences dealing with BPD has really helped myself and others gain a lot of insight regarding the disorder in more ways than one, and it's shown me that there are people that I can empathize with. I hope that we can all find the happiness we deserve after we heal, and that we all begin to love ourselves just a little bit more than we did before. I'll try to keep my story as short as possible, since I'd like this to be a thread where other people can share their experiences if they were the ones to end a relationship with a BPD. I posted this before, but I feel I should be more focused about things.

So to get to the point, I've known this girl for about four years. We met on an online forum and just kind of hit it off with our conversations. Our relationship was always kind of an on/off online/long-distance friendship due to various factors, and the first chance that we were able to consistently talk with each other was around two years ago (June 2013ish I believe). We would IM/Skype, stuff like that. She had just gotten out of a relationship with her on/off boyfriend (the first bad sign) and when I started talking with her again, she sort of poured her heart out to me and found solace in me. I was the textbook rescuer, when I look back on it. Her ex had insulted her, and she was just generally going through a rough time. I was there for her when she needed it most, and I did my best to cheer her up however I could. She and I both didn't want to jump into a relationship (she was finishing up school, and I was focusing on work), but we both agreed to keep talking to each other, and when the time was right, we'd get together in person and progress from there. I realize that in a way, my experience in a long-distance relationship doesn't come close to anything anyone else has gone through and that I probably dodged a bullet, but from an emotional standpoint, I became invested in it a lot, and I wanted it to be something more.

So for a year and a half, we kept talking. Long-distance relationships are tough, but we (at least from my belief at the time), made it work. She was someone I could confide in and like most BPDs, she mirrored me with her supposed openness, but in retrospect, I found that she was very picky about what she chose to confide in me with despite her being open with me. I never really brought up her past all that often because she mentioned that she had tough times. Occasionally she'd slip in stuff from her past (an ex-boyfriend she hated, having to go to a therapist about what I assume were her BPD issues, her issues with her family, the loss of one of her parents), but she'd immediately close off her feelings regarding all that and would jump to some other subject to keep the conversation from focusing on her too much. At the time, I was gradually falling for her, so I never thought too much of it. By early 2014, she and I had plans that we'd meet in Summer/Fall 2014 or before Christmas Eve, which we were excited for. However, she became more and more aloof. The conversations started to be more on her terms. She began to pick and choose what messages of mine to respond to, and she would respond best when the messages were about her. I generally attributed her not responding back to me to her being busy (which was true, and I was never pushy about texting/messaging her), so I didn't think much of it, but whenever we did talk on her terms, I noticed that at times she would bring up a "friend" a lot. I don't know if this was her way of trying to push the envelope to see if I was "under her control" or not, but I got the feeling that there was something more going on than just a "friend." Despite that, she kept on saying how important I was to her, how much she loved me, and how much she wanted to be there for me. I think that's what kept me from bringing up my concern about a possible boyfriend.

Eventually, she finished school and got her dream job. This was when her aloofness peaked. It suddenly became VERY tough to talk with her. I had family visiting at the time, so I had to focus on that and work for awhile, but I did my best to try and talk with her when I could. However, she'd find reasons to bail out of our conversations whenever I initiated them (again, on her terms) or would outright ignore me. I never felt that I was being over-bearing to her (I would always try to keep in mind that she was working a tough schedule too), but I'd be lying if I didn't feel hurt that she wasn't able to take even a few minutes out of her day to acknowledge that I existed. I never brought this up to her though, and she made some efforts to talk to me about stuff she was going through. The thing was though, this was when the devaluing began, albeit it was slow devaluing.

It got to a point where I felt like I had to tell her that I wanted more out of our relationship/friendship, and in mid-July, I brought up my concern that she might have a boyfriend. It turned out that she did. The entire time that she and I had been talking, getting to know each other, talking about how much we thought the world of each other, etc., she had gotten back with her ex-boyfriend, the guy who had insulted her and the guy who she felt wasn't mature enough for her. She didn't respond to me for a week after I sent her an e-mail expressing my concerns. I figured that it was something that she was still processing and needed time to get back to me with. I messaged her trying to reconnect, figuring I should just let it be and focus on just maintaining a friendship with her if she didn't want to talk about her personal life. She ended up blocking me when I tried to reach out, and I have to admit, I was really hurt by it. I'm not proud of it, but I begged her to forgive me and take me back as a friend. She did, but we recycled twice over the course of the next couple months because she couldn't bring herself to talk with me about where I stood in her life (she couldn't answer if I was a friend, a potential love interest, someone she could confide in, etc.) and she could never explain why she kept her being with another guy from me the entire time we talked. Her only reasoning for this was that it was "out of respect" to me and my chances with her, which I told her was a dishonest thing to do to both myself and the other guy. The second time we recycled, she once again took me back, but I began to research BPD heavily, suspecting that she might have it, given how she acted and how she would use the silent treatment, and this was what led me to check out this site and understand how some BPDs react when confronted with their emotions.

Things were fine for about two months, until late December. I had specifically tried to distance myself from her a bit so I could figure out what I wanted out of a relationship with her. I asked for some space, which she gave me. She ended up messaging me two weeks later wanting to talk. I sort of fell for her charms pretty quickly again. The way she talked to me felt like how we used to talk. It was fun and a relatively long conversation, and she was attentive and lively. We ended the talk on good terms. This was a week before Christmas. I messaged her a few days later, and I got no response. I messaged her on Christmas Eve wishing her a merry Christmas, and I got no response (in contrast to the Christmases before). After thinking about it for a few days, I realized that things were becoming too much for me. I felt that I had to end things lest the cycle would continue to repeat. I looked back at our last conversation without the rose-colored glasses and noticed that she (whether she intended to or not) was using me as a way to pass the time and to pay attention to her in ways her boyfriend wasn't. It was a tough truth to accept, but I knew I had to accept it.

I messaged her three days before New Year's Eve wishing her a Happy New Year in advance. I explained to her that I was going to take some time to focus on myself, because it was her attitude towards things was extremely confusing to me when it came to her and myself, and that my attachment to her was becoming a problem for me since she was so emotionally distant and couldn't give me the love I wanted from her. I told her that I didn't want to feel weak and beg for her to acknowledge me when she'd do her silent treatment, and that I wanted her to one day be truly happy. I said goodbye with a heavy heart, knowing that we were never going to meet like I thought we would. It was pretty painful for me, I have to admit, and I have to think that in some way, it was for her too. She didn't respond back to my e-mail for three days, and on New Year's Eve, she messaged me with "Happy New Year." I had gone NC, but I broke it to wish her a Happy New Year in return. But after that text, we've been in NC for 46 days so far. It's been tough for me, because like a lot of people here, I still think of her a lot and wonder if she's thinking of me too. I've read that there are two types of BPDs; ones that focus all of their pain inward, and ones that focus it outward. I feel like she was someone who focused a lot of her pain inward. She was never really happy with herself and looked to me to reassure her a lot at times. I remember always telling her that I was happy for her and that she should be happy that she has accomplished a lot in her life, but she'd never really think of herself as a *good* person. I feel like she carried a lot of guilt with her, and she didn't know how to handle things regarding her emotions.

Even though she lied to me and tried to keep me in the dark (I found out that many times we talked about going places, she'd end up going to those very same places with her boyfriend), I feel like she did appreciate/love everything I did for her as a friend/romantic interest. The only thing I got from her regarding her feelings was that she was "confused" about what she wanted, and I actually believe that to an extent. Her devaluing of me was her way of dealing with her conflicting emotions. I don't know if she'll ever be happy. But I do know that the only thing I can do is find my own happiness and learn to appreciate myself. It's been tough to detach, and I feel like I'll always think of her, but I won't look upon the good talks I had with her with regret. I know the way I left seemed abrupt, but in my heart, I know it was the right thing to do. Not just for me, but for her as well. I didn't want to be "the other guy" and I hope that at some point in her life, the experience will lead to her seeking true help. I don't know how long her recycle with her boyfriend will last since she was getting her emotional fix from me and her physical fix from him, but I do believe that her fear of abandonment (which dates back to the loss of one of her parents when she was young) will spike up at some point and she'll have to confront those feelings at some point if the relationship fails. Before I deleted everything that would tempt me back into going back to her, I found out that she amped up her relationship with her boyfriend more than she had been before, which naturally stings.

That's my story. Again, thanks to everyone on this forum and if anyone else has an experience like this, feel free to post. After reading as many posts as I have on this forum, I really appreciate how everyone is open about talking of their experiences with those who have BPD.

[Flameheart]

Before I tell my story, I'd like to thank everyone on this forum for everything. Reading about people's experiences dealing with BPD has really helped myself and others gain a lot of insight regarding the disorder in more ways than one, and it's shown me that there are people that I can empathize with. I hope that we can all find the happiness we deserve after we heal, and that we all begin to love ourselves just a little bit more than we did before. I'll try to keep my story as short as possible, since I'd like this to be a thread where other people can share their experiences if they were the ones to end a relationship with a BPD. I posted this before, but I feel I should be more focused about things.

So to get to the point, I've known this girl for about four years. We met on an online forum and just kind of hit it off with our conversations. Our relationship was always kind of an on/off online/long-distance friendship due to various factors, and the first chance that we were able to consistently talk with each other was around two years ago (June 2013ish I believe). We would IM/Skype, stuff like that. She had just gotten out of a relationship with her on/off boyfriend (the first bad sign) and when I started talking with her again, she sort of poured her heart out to me and found solace in me. I was the textbook rescuer, when I look back on it. Her ex had insulted her, and she was just generally going through a rough time. I was there for her when she needed it most, and I did my best to cheer her up however I could. She and I both didn't want to jump into a relationship (she was finishing up school, and I was focusing on work), but we both agreed to keep talking to each other, and when the time was right, we'd get together in person and progress from there. I realize that in a way, my experience in a long-distance relationship doesn't come close to anything anyone else has gone through and that I probably dodged a bullet, but from an emotional standpoint, I became invested in it a lot, and I wanted it to be something more.

So for a year and a half, we kept talking. Long-distance relationships are tough, but we (at least from my belief at the time), made it work. She was someone I could confide in and like most BPDs, she mirrored me with her supposed openness, but in retrospect, I found that she was very picky about what she chose to confide in me with despite her being open with me. I never really brought up her past all that often because she mentioned that she had tough times. Occasionally she'd slip in stuff from her past (an ex-boyfriend she hated, having to go to a therapist about what I assume were her BPD issues, her issues with her family, the loss of one of her parents), but she'd immediately close off her feelings regarding all that and would jump to some other subject to keep the conversation from focusing on her too much. At the time, I was gradually falling for her, so I never thought too much of it. By early 2014, she and I had plans that we'd meet in Summer/Fall 2014 or before Christmas Eve, which we were excited for. However, she became more and more aloof. The conversations started to be more on her terms. She began to pick and choose what messages of mine to respond to, and she would respond best when the messages were about her. I generally attributed her not responding back to me to her being busy (which was true, and I was never pushy about texting/messaging her), so I didn't think much of it, but whenever we did talk on her terms, I noticed that at times she would bring up a "friend" a lot. I don't know if this was her way of trying to push the envelope to see if I was "under her control" or not, but I got the feeling that there was something more going on than just a "friend." Despite that, she kept on saying how important I was to her, how much she loved me, and how much she wanted to be there for me. I think that's what kept me from bringing up my concern about a possible boyfriend.

Eventually, she finished school and got her dream job. This was when her aloofness peaked. It suddenly became VERY tough to talk with her. I had family visiting at the time, so I had to focus on that and work for awhile, but I did my best to try and talk with her when I could. However, she'd find reasons to bail out of our conversations whenever I initiated them (again, on her terms) or would outright ignore me. I never felt that I was being over-bearing to her (I would always try to keep in mind that she was working a tough schedule too), but I'd be lying if I didn't feel hurt that she wasn't able to take even a few minutes out of her day to acknowledge that I existed. I never brought this up to her though, and she made some efforts to talk to me about stuff she was going through. The thing was though, this was when the devaluing began, albeit it was slow devaluing.

It got to a point where I felt like I had to tell her that I wanted more out of our relationship/friendship, and in mid-July, I brought up my concern that she might have a boyfriend. It turned out that she did. The entire time that she and I had been talking, getting to know each other, talking about how much we thought the world of each other, etc., she had gotten back with her ex-boyfriend, the guy who had insulted her and the guy who she felt wasn't mature enough for her. She didn't respond to me for a week after I sent her an e-mail expressing my concerns. I figured that it was something that she was still processing and needed time to get back to me with. I messaged her trying to reconnect, figuring I should just let it be and focus on just maintaining a friendship with her if she didn't want to talk about her personal life. She ended up blocking me when I tried to reach out, and I have to admit, I was really hurt by it. I'm not proud of it, but I begged her to forgive me and take me back as a friend. She did, but we recycled twice over the course of the next couple months because she couldn't bring herself to talk with me about where I stood in her life (she couldn't answer if I was a friend, a potential love interest, someone she could confide in, etc.) and she could never explain why she kept her being with another guy from me the entire time we talked. Her only reasoning for this was that it was "out of respect" to me and my chances with her, which I told her was a dishonest thing to do to both myself and the other guy. The second time we recycled, she once again took me back, but I began to research BPD heavily, suspecting that she might have it, given how she acted and how she would use the silent treatment, and this was what led me to check out this site and understand how some BPDs react when confronted with their emotions.

Things were fine for about two months, until late December. I had specifically tried to distance myself from her a bit so I could figure out what I wanted out of a relationship with her. I asked for some space, which she gave me. She ended up messaging me two weeks later wanting to talk. I sort of fell for her charms pretty quickly again. The way she talked to me felt like how we used to talk. It was fun and a relatively long conversation, and she was attentive and lively. We ended the talk on good terms. This was a week before Christmas. I messaged her a few days later, and I got no response. I messaged her on Christmas Eve wishing her a merry Christmas, and I got no response (in contrast to the Christmases before). After thinking about it for a few days, I realized that things were becoming too much for me. I felt that I had to end things lest the cycle would continue to repeat. I looked back at our last conversation without the rose-colored glasses and noticed that she (whether she intended to or not) was using me as a way to pass the time and to pay attention to her in ways her boyfriend wasn't. It was a tough truth to accept, but I knew I had to accept it.

I messaged her three days before New Year's Eve wishing her a Happy New Year in advance. I explained to her that I was going to take some time to focus on myself, because it was her attitude towards things was extremely confusing to me when it came to her and myself, and that my attachment to her was becoming a problem for me since she was so emotionally distant and couldn't give me the love I wanted from her. I told her that I didn't want to feel weak and beg for her to acknowledge me when she'd do her silent treatment, and that I wanted her to one day be truly happy. I said goodbye with a heavy heart, knowing that we were never going to meet like I thought we would. It was pretty painful for me, I have to admit, and I have to think that in some way, it was for her too. She didn't respond back to my e-mail for three days, and on New Year's Eve, she messaged me with "Happy New Year." I had gone NC, but I broke it to wish her a Happy New Year in return. But after that text, we've been in NC for 46 days so far. It's been tough for me, because like a lot of people here, I still think of her a lot and wonder if she's thinking of me too. I've read that there are two types of BPDs; ones that focus all of their pain inward, and ones that focus it outward. I feel like she was someone who focused a lot of her pain inward. She was never really happy with herself and looked to me to reassure her a lot at times. I remember always telling her that I was happy for her and that she should be happy that she has accomplished a lot in her life, but she'd never really think of herself as a *good* person. I feel like she carried a lot of guilt with her, and she didn't know how to handle things regarding her emotions.

Even though she lied to me and tried to keep me in the dark (I found out that many times we talked about going places, she'd end up going to those very same places with her boyfriend), I feel like she did appreciate/love everything I did for her as a friend/romantic interest. The only thing I got from her regarding her feelings was that she was "confused" about what she wanted, and I actually believe that to an extent. Her devaluing of me was her way of dealing with her conflicting emotions. I don't know if she'll ever be happy. But I do know that the only thing I can do is find my own happiness and learn to appreciate myself. It's been tough to detach, and I feel like I'll always think of her, but I won't look upon the good talks I had with her with regret. I know the way I left seemed abrupt, but in my heart, I know it was the right thing to do. Not just for me, but for her as well. I didn't want to be "the other guy" and I hope that at some point in her life, the experience will lead to her seeking true help. I don't know how long her recycle with her boyfriend will last since she was getting her emotional fix from me and her physical fix from him, but I do believe that her fear of abandonment (which dates back to the loss of one of her parents when she was young) will spike up at some point and she'll have to confront those feelings at some point if the relationship fails. Before I deleted everything that would tempt me back into going back to her, I found out that she amped up her relationship with her boyfriend more than she had been before, which naturally stings.

That's my story. Again, thanks to everyone on this forum and if anyone else has an experience like this, feel free to post. After reading as many posts as I have on this forum, I really appreciate how everyone is open about talking of their experiences with those who have BPD.

[Blimblam]

I'm sorry it must be tough things not working out how you hoped. 

After my ex began to devalue me. She began to treat me like a launching pad and safe space to venture out into the world and return to look for safety.  I had become nothing more than a safe space to her at that point and she rarely respected me and at that point it became total manipulation.   The thing is that it is a sort of repeat of that stage of very early childhood when the infant begins to venture out into the world and returns to the parent for reassurance and safety then feel engulfed by the parent driving them once again into the world.

[neverloveagain]

She began to treat me like a launching pad and safe space to venture out into the world and return to look for safety.  I had become nothing more than a safe space to her 

/quote]

Dam blimblam you had a waif too .

[jhkbuzz]

I'm sorry it must be tough things not working out how you hoped.  

After my ex began to devalue me. She began to treat me like a launching pad and safe space to venture out into the world and return to look for safety.  I had become nothing more than a safe space to her at that point and she rarely respected me and at that point it became total manipulation.   The thing is that it is a sort of repeat of that stage of very early childhood when the infant begins to venture out into the world and returns to the parent for reassurance and safety then feel engulfed by the parent driving them once again into the world.

Wow... .^ that.  I don't know that the manipulation was premeditated, though... .she was obsessed with being "safe."  I definitely was a "safe" place for her - at the same time that I was the engulfing, controlling "parent." This seems to be a theme among "waifs."

I never thought of it as the "venture out into the world and return to the parent" scenario, although that's exactly what it felt like.  And I thought I was crazy at the time - I was picking up on it but didn't trust my perceptions.

What a sad disorder this is.

[jhkbuzz]

[error]

[icom]

She began to treat me like a launching pad and safe space to venture out into the world and return to look for safety. 

(Sighs)

Yes, it was the same in my instance as well.


Separation-Individuation: Rapprochement

The period of rapprochement spans the ages of approximately fifteen to twenty-four months and is characterized behaviorally by an active approach back to the caregiver. Children begin to realize the limits of their omnipotence and have a new awareness of their separateness and the separateness of the caregiver. Increases in cognition and motor development lead to ambitendency—shadowing and darting away from the caretaker. These behaviors reflect the child's simultaneous need for autonomy and need for support. An increase in aggression is seen in behaviors such as pushing away while whining and clinging. These behaviors represent the struggle to reconcile the good and bad aspects of the self and the other, with the need of the other. Toilet training often begins at this stage, leading to further struggles with autonomy and control. The verbal no, the developmental milestone of this phase, acts as a metaphor for the issues of autonomy that characterize this stage (Erikson 1950).

Clinically, the rapprochement period is often cited in conjunction with borderline phenomena, which are characterized by unstable inner states, unstable relationships, and a fragile sense of self. In borderline phenomena there are feelings of loss of support and approval of the other, as well as aggression and anger which arise out of intense feelings of vulnerability and dependency. The major defenses employed in borderline phenomena are those of splitting and projection. Splitting keeps the "good" and loved aspects of the other separate from the "bad" and hated aspects of the other. Projection is used to rid oneself of felt unwanted "bad" aspects of the self by attributing those unwanted parts to another. Internally, because of the lack of integration of the good and bad internal representations of the self and other, individuals with this defensive structure are subject to fluctuating internal states, feelings of disorganization, and low self-esteem.

[HappyNihilist]

Flameheart, I'm sorry things didn't work out.   I know it's painful and sad. But sadness always comes with acceptance. You've come to very good place with acceptance of your exgf as she really is, and acceptance that the best thing for you (and her) is to not be in a relationship at this point in your lives.  

I don't know if she'll ever be happy. But I do know that the only thing I can do is find my own happiness and learn to appreciate myself.

That is absolute truth. 

I know it was the right thing to do. Not just for me, but for her as well.

This is a very important realization, and a huge step in radical acceptance and detaching with empathy.  

I'm sorry it must be tough things not working out how you hoped.  

After my ex began to devalue me. She began to treat me like a launching pad and safe space to venture out into the world and return to look for safety.  I had become nothing more than a safe space to her at that point and she rarely respected me and at that point it became total manipulation.   The thing is that it is a sort of repeat of that stage of very early childhood when the infant begins to venture out into the world and returns to the parent for reassurance and safety then feel engulfed by the parent driving them once again into the world.

Wow... .^ that.  I don't know that the manipulation was premeditated, though... .she was obsessed with being "safe."  I definitely was a "safe" place for her - at the same time that I was the engulfing, controlling "parent." This seems to be a theme among "waifs."

I never thought of it as the "venture out into the world and return to the parent" scenario, although that's exactly what it felt like.  And I thought I was crazy at the time - I was picking up on it but didn't trust my perceptions.

What a sad disorder this is.

Wow indeed... .thank you for that analogy, Blimblam. This really was a moment for me.

My exBPD has his share of rages and outwards-acting anger, but really he's much more of a Waif. The majority of his anger is turned inwards... .the times that I would glimpse the true depths of his self-loathing were horrifying and deeply saddening. He self-harms a lot, too - cutting, hitting himself, so on.

He was also obsessed with being "safe." I was a safe place for him (as well as being the engulfing punitive parent). He told me months after the breakup, "You are the only person in my life that never left me feeling like I didn't know where I stood." I, too, became his launching pad - and I was devalued and not respected.

[myself]

I didn't end things, she did, but I did choose to finally walk away because yes all the signs were still there and it was apparent they always would be. Unless she worked on changing them, which she obviously wasn't going to. Why? Because as is being spoken of here, she had deep issues with being 'safe'. No matter how calm and peaceful it was, she'd eventually feel too intimate, too engulfed, which made her feel threatened and thus 'unsafe'. So she'd run somewhere else, seeking safety (she used the word 'safe' countless times during our r/s, and while speaking of past relationships/ her childhood). The problem was, the safety issues were more about her feelings than facts, and she took them with her wherever she went.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Wow, three comments in a row mentioning their ex wanting to feel safe! Make it four now!

Anything that "scared" her or made her feel uneasy, I always had to ease her mind about it. And she always used the word safe in the initial part of our relationship. I figured over time she would feel safe. That did not happen.

As for the launch pad, that's exactly what happened the last two months of our relationship. I was just trying to be patient thinking she'd get through this, and she was out interviewing for my replacement.

And how many times did I hear her say, when I was offering advice, "that's exactly what my mother said!" I always presumed it was a good thing b/c she loved her mom so much. I was wrong about that, for sure. So she did see me in parental role too. And I have known how she felt toward other women as well. Looks like she's always looking to find a mother figure to protect and comfort her. Knowing what happened in her childhood, I understand why she had to look elsewhere. Which is the saddest thing I could ever say.

[hope2727]

The launching pad analogy makes so much sense to me. I would tell mine he wanted his cake and eat it too. I even told him he wanted me a a steady reliable wife at home to return back to while he was out living the life of a bachelor with his friends. HE admitted that was true. So I was the safety while the rest was his adventures out into the world. Gross.

[BorisAcusio]

I even told him he wanted me a a steady reliable wife at home to return back to while he was out living the life of a bachelor with his friends.

From my experience a pwBPD regards themselves as 'single' again as soon as their partner leaves for work in the morning.

I'm not a fan of oversimplifying complex matters but that sentence stuck in my head.

[clydegriffith]

I must have recylced like 10 times within a year and half. No matter what she did she always suckered me back in. It took a series of drastic events and her moving 400 miles away to finally break free.

[Madison66]

I went through three recycles with my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ before I finally left the r/s for good nearly 15 months ago.  Her behavior became worse and more irrational during each recycle.  For me, it was that coupled with me going through individual T and gaining the strength to leave the chaos behind.  I found that I truly couldn't comprehend how dysfunctional and abusive the r/s was until I was out and firmly holding to n/c.  Even more telling for me how whacked it was is that I'm now in a healthy r/s with a fantastic non PD woman, and what I'm experiencing now looks NOTHING like what my previous r/s looked and felt like. 

In no uncertain terms, I chose to be in the previous r/s and I chose to go back after the b/u's and after experiencing abuse, chaos and dysfunction.  Most importantly, I chose to work on myself and eventually made one of the best decisions in my life to leave the r/s for good.  And, I will never allow myself to participate in a chaotic, abusive and dysfunctional r/s again.  Closed the door!  Done!