Even the tiniest mistake is disrespectful...

[verytired]

This morning I tossed the remaining inch of my uBPDw's cold coffee down the drain and she's been totally bonkers all day. She's been going on and on about how I intentionally do these things to show my lack of respect for her. Truth be told, it's very hard to respect someone who rants for hours about such a minor issue. She's been sounding like a two year old... .yelling "I WANTED MY COFFEE!", throwing water in the air and even dumping my dinner down the waste disposal tonight to show me "How it feels".

Can't pwBPD see how they totally hurt their own cause through these off-the-chart responses to the slightest mistake? Can't they see how childish such actions really are? She will certainly point it out if she see it in others. She calls me childish when I attempt to stay to myself when she's raging.

She just told me to "never touch her again". This is why I go by the nickname of Very Tired.

[Wrongturn1]

Wow, that does sound ridiculous - I can relate.  About 20 years ago, I got rid of the last 0.75 inches of my wife's ice cream cone that she seemed not to be eating, and decades later, she still brings it up periodically.

Not sure what advice I can give here, beyond maybe trying to identify and validate your wife's emotions.  It's definitely not fair, the way we nons are expected to overlook and forgive all manner of horrible behavior by our BPD significant others, but then our BPDs turn every mistake we nons make into a capital offense.  Blah!

[Waddams]

I've hit the point that I can't validate someone's feelings when they are just holding a grudge for something minor and can't move on.  Particularly when they have committed a long list of offenses on their own, expect to be forgiven or have it even not be recognized as a mistake on their part, and they are using their own list of grudges as a just a reason to keep beating you down and stay in control.  It's not sincere on their part.  I don't believe it.  It's an act and a manipulation intended to keep control.  I can't validate that.

[OnceConfused]

I felt the same way as my old xBPDgf would throw a silent rage at the slightest of what I said or did. One time, she even told me if I would eat soup loudly again, we would have to sit at different tables. I was so scared around her, until I realized that she wanted me to walk on eggshells so that she can exert the fear over me and control me.

Did you simply apologize and  offer to make her a fresh cup of coffee ? But that is not really the issue with BPD, the issue is they want to make you walk on eggshells so that you can be fearful of them and forever be the doormat.

I bet you even if you did not pour away the cold coffee, she still finds other things to rage about. I felt like I was like a child who cannot do anything right, no matte what I tried.

[fordprefect]

sounds alot like my last 24 hours. and much of the last 14 years with dBPDw. The slightest thing causes outrage and throwing things around. But its ok for her to tread all over me and treat me with disrespect. Think I'm going to make another post rather than hijack yours, but wanted to say I feel where you are coming from. You are not alone. It can be really hardwork sometimes. Be strong and respect yourself. Good luck.

[rj47]

This morning I tossed the remaining inch of my uBPDw's cold coffee down the drain and she's been totally bonkers all day. She's been going on and on about how I intentionally do these things to show my lack of respect for her. Truth be told, it's very hard to respect someone who rants for hours about such a minor issue. She's been sounding like a two year old... .yelling "I WANTED MY COFFEE!", throwing water in the air and even dumping my dinner down the waste disposal tonight to show me "How it feels".



The coffee dump was only a trigger for her to cycle up. It could have been a water spot on the bathroom mirror and she'd have rationalized disrespect. Stop dumping her coffee! She'll move to another trigger. You can't win.

A few days ago I accepted a "LinkedIn" request from a  former friend of my BPDw that worked for me for almost five years. They had stopped talking about 4 years ago.  

Her rage at the humiliation I dumped on her accepting the request found its outlet in outrageous texts throughout an entire day and vicious ranting that evening. My crime was validation of the long term disrespect I have for her. Told her over and over "you're right, take what ever you want from my crime, sorry, get over it, or not, I really don't care".

You're accepting it now. I did for many many years... .decades. But it eats away at you and sooner or later you will begin to resent her for it. Sad that I almost look forward to the tragic dramas that she engages in. Unwittingly triggering an episode was once a horror... .I still don't like it but have learned to find comedic value in it as well. I checked out a year ago, planning the exit.

I sometimes feel bad not following the old patterns and engaging the way she trained me... .but I get over it quickly.

[verytired]

If I could afford to leave I think I would. Today is just another day, another trigger. I'm just too exhausted to even write about the latest episode. It does no good anyway.

Thank you all for your replies.

[FigureIt]

I've hit the point that I can't validate someone's feelings when they are just holding a grudge for something minor and can't move on.  Particularly when they have committed a long list of offenses on their own, expect to be forgiven or have it even not be recognized as a mistake on their part, and they are using their own list of grudges as a just a reason to keep beating you down and stay in control.  It's not sincere on their part.  I don't believe it.  It's an act and a manipulation intended to keep control.  I can't validate that.

I agree I have a hard time validating, even when they hold a grudge over something that they misinterpreted completely wrong or how they skewed it.  Which is usually skewed to how he has done things and behaved, not me.  Yet he holds the grudge on me.

I completely agree it is an act of manipulation.  

[terranova79]

Yes, I'm often struck by how often my uBPDw claims that I am "disrespecting" her.  The things she points out are often seemingly trivial--e.g., I give my toddler son a bath when we had previously decided to switch to showers--but the usually involve some element of her not being in control.  My uBPDw can be a very charitable and giving person, but she certainly is prone to suffering narcissistic injury.