Update after 4-month absence from here...

[HealingSpirit]

Hello Everyone,

I'm so sorry that I have not been here to offer my support the past 4 months. Those of you who know me, I was in a community play in December, and the rehearsal schedule kept me very busy since October.  So, it's all good! (At least from my end.)  In fact, I had such a wonderful time doing the play, I auditioned for another one, and they cast me in that one as well.  Community theater gives me a GREAT distraction from my home life, and it is a wonderful place to "play" and be silly with other adults... .something I desperately needed.  I wish I'd known how much fun acting could be or I'd have done this theater thing a long time ago.

Here's a brief update on the BPD situation... .  My BPDD turned 18 last October.  You may recall she broke up with her abusive BF and did NOT move to the Midwest. (So grateful we dodged THAT bullet!) But, because she thought she was moving, she also did NOT enroll at the local Junior College.  She supposedly tried to find a job, but no one would hire her, not even for Christmas help.  So, she's been home, not being productive, but not causing too much trouble either. (And since I've been gone a lot, I haven't been here to interact with her very much.  Avoidance has it's merits.  LOL!)

DH and I have continued to see our T, who gave us the strategy that DH is to handle enforcing the house rules, limit-setting, and discipline because our BPDD does not hear anything I say accurately.  (Convenient, huh?)  Quite honestly, this strategy hasn't been working, and it just got more complicated this January because DH's duties changed at work (he's an engineer), so now he must travel to a testing facility over 80 miles away to test hardware.  The drive is too far with traffic, so he's been staying in a hotel during the week and coming home on weekends. I know DH is doing the best he can, but his Asperger's makes him pretty emotionally clueless, so he doesn't notice or respond when DD says or does something mean and inappropriate to him or me.  Our T gave him the assignment to spell out for our DD that she MUST behave responsibly and that we expect her to do several chores in our home if she wants to continue to live with us.  In addition, she is supposed to be in therapy because we support her growth and we expect her to be growing if she wants to continue to live with us.

None of it has happened... .yet.  Our T gave DH this assignment months and months ago, when DD was still a minor. DH is a procrastinator, and it's worse when he must do something he feels incompetent to do.  So, DD has been living here without any real limits.  She makes messes, brings friends over, comes and goes as she pleases, and she refuses to go to therapy.  She is supposedly working on a book that explains what her needs are from a BPD perspective so that we understand how she wants us to treat her to help prevent her mood swings.  (It's her clever way of putting the responsibility on everyone else to maintain her emotional state.)  I find myself either biting my tongue when DH is not here, or finding a reason to leave.  (Avoidance.)

Last Friday, I reached MY limit though.  DD came out of her room and apologized to me for being mean and disrespectful to me during the week.  In a nutshell, I thanked her profusely for her apology, and said I accepted her apology. Then I calmly told her I would no longer tolerate being treated that way in my own home anymore. (I was thinking that in the future, I would immediately excuse myself if she started spewing venom at me.) DD went right to, "Well, YOU also need to stop taking it out on ME when YOU'VE had a bad day! We BOTH have some responsibility in this."  I said, "That's true, AND, I will no longer tolerate being treated disrespectfully in my own home anymore." She continued to push, and I calmly continued to be a broken record.  She finally arrived at, "So, you want me to move out?"  DH heard her yelling, and he came downstairs and took over the conversation, so I left and went upstairs.

She was apparently so upset by my calmly telling her I would not tolerate being treated badly, she left to stay with a friend.  While she was at her friend's house, she developed severe pain in her abdomen on Saturday.  She told us she'd also been vomiting. (Very typical for her to develop a severe physical problem after an emotional outburst.) Her friends were going to take her to Urgent Care on Saturday night, but they couldn't find an open one.  So, they took her to the ER on Sunday morning and she called us because she needed our new insurance information.  We told her to start with urgent care because the ER costs a whole lot more. We said she could be seen at the ER if she was willing to pay the bill. That went over really well. (NOT!) So, they left and went to urgent care.  The doctor there didn't do much, but told her if the pain worsened or if she developed a fever, to go to the ER.  (DD does have polycystic ovarian syndrome, so we thought it was probably a painful cyst.  But with pelvic pain, there is also the possibility of appendicitis.  We never know.)

We met her at her friend's house to pick up her car and take her to the ER... .or home.  She made a big dramatic scene in front of her friends saying she just wanted to lie down and stay with her friends.  She didn't want to go to the ER because they'd just been there, and we "made" them leave.  (If we are going to pay for the ER, DH and I need to be the ones to assess the emergency status, not her friends.)  After about 5 minutes, she realized she wasn't getting anywhere with us, so she got in the car and we came home.  She stayed in her room and refused a heating pad or ibuprofen, which could help her feel better if it is a cyst.  DH looked in on her several times and she calmed down and eventually accepted the heating pad and ibuprofen. 

She is home, still in pain, but feeling better than she was.  Clearly, she did not need the ER.  So that brings you up to date.

I think about several of you often. I hope you're all doing better with your BPD offspring. If you need my support, or a listening ear, please feel free to send me a private message.  That way, I'll see it in my email, which I check daily.  I doubt I'll be participating much here for a while, as I'm still rehearsing a lot for the new play.  I haven't been on FB much either.  I'm more of an extrovert, so I prefer (need) more face-to-face interaction and less online interaction. But I did want to check in with you all.  I do care about each and every one of you and your families. I will try to visit here more often than I've been.

Hang in there, all of you!   

Hugs,

HealingSpirit

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[formflier]

 

Healing spirit,

Welcome back and thanks for the update.

I'm glad you enjoyed the play.

What do you see as your next step with your daughter?  Do you think your DH will start helping with house rules?

FF

[clljhns]

Hi HealingSpirit,

How exciting that you were in a play and will begin a new one! This must be a wonderful outlet for you with all of the stress going on at home.

I am sorry to hear about the struggles with your DD.

because she thought she was moving, she also did NOT enroll at the local Junior College.

Is there the possibility that she can take some courses over the summer and then begin on a Fall rotation? Most colleges offer work study programs, so she could also work on campus while she attends college. Kind of like killing two birds with one stone!  

DH and I have continued to see our T, who gave us the strategy that DH is to handle enforcing the house rules, limit-setting, and discipline because our BPDD does not hear anything I say accurately

 

I am not sure if you mean that DH is to do all of the enforcing of rules, limit-setting, and discipline, or is this to be shared by you both? With your H gone during the week for work, are there any planned changes to this strategy?

Is there another method of communication that you could use with DD while H is gone during the week for work so there won't be misinterpretations by DD?

, "That's true, AND, I will no longer tolerate being treated disrespectfully in my own home anymore." She continued to push, and I calmly continued to be a broken record.  She finally arrived at, "So, you want me to move out?"  :)H heard her yelling, and he came downstairs and took over the conversation, so I left and went upstairs.

I know how frustrating it is to try and get your point across to someone, only to have them turn it around on you. Good job holding your ground. Is it possible that when your DD doesn't hear you clearly, or misinterprets your meaning that you could call a time out and then revisit the issue later with H present?

Glad you are back and look forward to hearing from you.  

[Turkish]

HS,

I'm interested in hearing how the second community play experience went after you are finished. It sounds exciting!

It sounds tough that you are left alone during the week to deal with your DD's issues. I suppose you can't just change the locks if she takes off again for the night?  

If your DH isn't quite supporting you, it does sound like he knows in a way how to calm your daughter down. The question is, what's healthy in the long term? Do you and your DH have a plan. I heard something recently regarding parenting, "It's better to be on the same page, even if it's the wrong page," so kids find it harder to triangulate in a bad way.

I like that you put down boundaries with her, but to be truthful, it sounded like just a boundary with little SET. Have you tried that before, even though you feel angry due to her disrespect?